1 year since breakup. Seeking support

[slamjoetry]

So my last relationship was really toxic and we were both awful to each other, for two years. I apologized profusely before we went no-contact, but she didn't. It's been a year now since the breakup and today I broke no-contact and told her about how she affected me. How I'm on heavy medication and therapy, and that I have frequent visions, triggers and night terrors of her. And I said that I didn't want to send a hate message, I just wanted some answers, and an apology. Nice fuckin try, me. I obviously got blocked, and now it's hurting all over again. I really thought she'd change or at least feel a little sorry. And it feels like I can't let go of her until I have that closure. But I know I'll never get it. I wish I knew how to let go and move on. I have a date with a different girl coming up this weekend, so hopefully that'll help me move on. But I just feel like such an idiot being hung up on my ex even after a year. I just want somebody to talk to.

 

[The_Hunter]

Sorry to hear that. Feel free to vent as much as your heart desires, and I will read you out :)

 

[Regen]

I was also in a toxic relationship for a very long time. I understand your desire for clarification and apology.
However, perhaps it was your very great luck that there was no new contact. The risk of becoming entangled again is high in toxic relationships. If he/she had reacted in a friendly way, you would probably have been hooked again straight away, would have thought that the person had changed and that you now had a chance on a better level. At first you probably just want an apology and an acknowledgment of your pain. But it probably wouldn't have been enough and you would have quickly fallen back into the vortex of relationship addiction. We had hundreds of ons and offs and my toxic relationship lasted 17 years. You don't want that...

I once read a book with the title "Thank you for leaving me." These were all letters to ex-partners from people who were initially devastated by the separation and then realized how lucky it was because it allowed them to develop something that they would not have been able to do in the relationship.

Do you have the opportunity to discuss the problem in therapy? Because it sounds like you are still very traumatized. Relationship addiction can be really bad. I'm on CoDA and it helps me not to feel so alone with the problem. I sincerely hope you find a way for yourself!!

 

[inthebay]

i'm in sort of a similar situation and i really relate to this. it's been years, i'm even dating someone new who i love very much, and i have no desire to be with my ex at all- but part of me still feels like i'm on "waiting mode" waiting for some kind of clarification about what happened, like i can't move on/i'm not allowed to have feelings about the relationship until they give me permission to. i've been so caught up with the ways that i hurt them that it genuinely haunts me every day- i was diagnosed with ocd and was told that the relationship is a huge focus of my obsession.

but they don't want to talk to me. i don't even want an apology, i feel like i don't deserve it- i just want some kind of acknowledgement of what happened, but i know i'll never get it. it's also difficult for me to figure out how to feel because there are large parts of it that i feel like my brain doesn't want me to remember, but the things i do remember and the feeling/general "vibe" of what happened still haunts me. from what i can tell, they don't really even seem to think about it anymore, but i know that social media and all of that stuff isn't always an accurate representation of someone's daily life.

i genuinely want to move on from everything, but i feel like i'll never be the same after that relationship. i came out of it feeling like someone i didn't even recognize, and it kills me. i feel like i used to be so much happier and more hopeful before i dated them. i used to struggle to really even feel angry, i used to be a lot better at dealing with conflict and making more rational decisions, and now i'm the angriest and most reactive i've been since i first started puberty. i hate who i've become, but i feel like i can't even blame my ex because i could have made the decision to break up with them earlier. i see parts of them in myself that make me feel horrified now, and i feel like i let it happen.