I had made my account here almost exactly 15 months ago to the day.
Lost job of ten years because of "COVID" - Covid was the excuse they used to let me go. My boss just sincerely hated my guts. A week later, 'the one' that I had been talking to just straight up stopped speaking to me.
Day in and out, I just laid in bed. I was useless, just taking up space. Getting that COVID unemployment and literally not caring whatsoever about being "one of those" people who was just leaching off the government. I told myself, and my roommate, that when this money ran out - then I would be gone. That would be when I CTB. But I did make a friend during this time, over a video game that I played frequently. That game was the only reason I choose to get out of bed on any given day. But this friend who helped me through all the dark unexpectedly passed away 2 months ago. And here I am, wondering if it is my fault. I am like a walking bad luck charm for everyone I encounter.
My original plan all along had been an EB method. It seemed easy enough to do, get the materials for, and carry out in my vehicle somewhere secluded. I was feeling very confident, until I went to readdress this method and started reading about it failing. That maybe this idea wasn't so concrete. My luck is so absolutely horrid, that I knew I would be one of the ones who failed. Or became a vegetable. I have literally failed at everything in my entire life, failing at this too would just be a final slap in the face.
I ended up finding a job two months ago, and I got very little training (about 4-5 hours)... but I was getting out of bed with a purpose. My depression and anxiety has been untreated since I lost my job 15 months ago (no insurance) and I don't even know how I force myself to come here every day. Two months in and my boss just uses me as a punching bag for the failing of the business. There isn't enough money for payroll. So I looked for another job and saw my old position was posted.
I applied and for whatever reason, was super optimistic that they would take me back. But I just got the email, less than an hour ago, that "...and it looks like since you left/were let go due to Covid, she said they have restructured things." Meaning my asshole boss would rather have no help than even consider hiring me back.
That was the final straw. Why did I even prolong this for so long? I literally have nothing. I have no money, my car is about to be down for the count after just putting $2000 worth of work into it (which is why I have no more money), this job that isn't currently able to pay us is a half hour away from my home, the guy that broke my heart last year has refused to say one word to me this entire time. I just literally have nothing. I live with my ex in a house, and we are just constantly struggling. Last week between my car repairs, and his car repairs (as he messages me that his truck failed inspection), we also have to replace our sewer line which will cost upwards of $10,000. No friends, and no family that I choose to interact with.
Enough is enough. Nothing makes me happy, nothing. The only other friend I had in the whole world is dead. I can't get my old job back, or any other job that I can pretend to handle with this anxiety. I have no health insurance and can't get any medicine for this crippling anxiety/depression. I have PMDD, which is untreatable and makes me a complete psycho two weeks out of the month. There is just absolutely NO point in waking up. I am literally a miserable waste of space and I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I am grateful for this website still being active, as I will now be using its wealth of information to plan a new CTB date and method. I am interested in any wealth of information anyone has to share, or any ideas about preparation that is allowed to be shared. I am also grateful for anyone who took the time to read this.
Lost job of ten years because of "COVID" - Covid was the excuse they used to let me go. My boss just sincerely hated my guts. A week later, 'the one' that I had been talking to just straight up stopped speaking to me.
Day in and out, I just laid in bed. I was useless, just taking up space. Getting that COVID unemployment and literally not caring whatsoever about being "one of those" people who was just leaching off the government. I told myself, and my roommate, that when this money ran out - then I would be gone. That would be when I CTB. But I did make a friend during this time, over a video game that I played frequently. That game was the only reason I choose to get out of bed on any given day. But this friend who helped me through all the dark unexpectedly passed away 2 months ago. And here I am, wondering if it is my fault. I am like a walking bad luck charm for everyone I encounter.
My original plan all along had been an EB method. It seemed easy enough to do, get the materials for, and carry out in my vehicle somewhere secluded. I was feeling very confident, until I went to readdress this method and started reading about it failing. That maybe this idea wasn't so concrete. My luck is so absolutely horrid, that I knew I would be one of the ones who failed. Or became a vegetable. I have literally failed at everything in my entire life, failing at this too would just be a final slap in the face.
I ended up finding a job two months ago, and I got very little training (about 4-5 hours)... but I was getting out of bed with a purpose. My depression and anxiety has been untreated since I lost my job 15 months ago (no insurance) and I don't even know how I force myself to come here every day. Two months in and my boss just uses me as a punching bag for the failing of the business. There isn't enough money for payroll. So I looked for another job and saw my old position was posted.
I applied and for whatever reason, was super optimistic that they would take me back. But I just got the email, less than an hour ago, that "...and it looks like since you left/were let go due to Covid, she said they have restructured things." Meaning my asshole boss would rather have no help than even consider hiring me back.
That was the final straw. Why did I even prolong this for so long? I literally have nothing. I have no money, my car is about to be down for the count after just putting $2000 worth of work into it (which is why I have no more money), this job that isn't currently able to pay us is a half hour away from my home, the guy that broke my heart last year has refused to say one word to me this entire time. I just literally have nothing. I live with my ex in a house, and we are just constantly struggling. Last week between my car repairs, and his car repairs (as he messages me that his truck failed inspection), we also have to replace our sewer line which will cost upwards of $10,000. No friends, and no family that I choose to interact with.
Enough is enough. Nothing makes me happy, nothing. The only other friend I had in the whole world is dead. I can't get my old job back, or any other job that I can pretend to handle with this anxiety. I have no health insurance and can't get any medicine for this crippling anxiety/depression. I have PMDD, which is untreatable and makes me a complete psycho two weeks out of the month. There is just absolutely NO point in waking up. I am literally a miserable waste of space and I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I am grateful for this website still being active, as I will now be using its wealth of information to plan a new CTB date and method. I am interested in any wealth of information anyone has to share, or any ideas about preparation that is allowed to be shared. I am also grateful for anyone who took the time to read this.
