3rd winter in a row like this

[Uk2023]

I can't believe there's no improvement

My only achievement is I'm not connected to anyone

It's 4 months ahead of cold, broke, alone and not a thing or person to do or connect with.

My phone won't ring

My email inbox all marketing

No room at all for disappointment but that's such a low achievement. I'm close to 40, I don't know how over 70's do it if like me they have no family from any generation I don't know how they keep going!

I'm embracing this coming winter as my last… the cold, dark and budgeting.

By spring I will only look forward to seeing the sun and green grass, blossoms. For summer I look forward to the heat, autumn the mildness and colours but I won't see another winter again.

Either life has to miraculously improve or I accept by October 2025 that I'm truly done with life.

I miss my parents so much, it's been 3-4 years without their voices and company. Nothing compares.

Everyone is a user - and in an obvious way. To live as a player, a psychological battle against everything is no way to live. To have those cheap meaningless thrills and interactions of constant 'you versus me' everyone seems so transactional, superficial and pointless to me.

 

[weepingfree]

I relate so much to this. The endless hours alone, to be faced with endless hours alone for the next three months.

The first time I wanted to kill myself was at age 14, and I didn't know how and I didn't attempt. Today I'm 46 years old and I must leave soon.

I only wish I'd been able to go at age 14.

 

[Uk2023]

14 was a key age for my suicidal thoughts too

I had experienced what felt like 2 rounds of life and was very aware of the highs and lows

I was practically mute the year I was 15, I then bounced back and had a 'good run' until mid 20's

I thought I had broken the 7 year curse by having a good life at 21

Unfortunately being 28 and 35 was an awful reminder of less joy and success

Just same old nonsense

The stretch of 35-42 looks worse

I do sometimes hope that a good run will come again but I know too much

It would take a full 6 months of isolation (which I have) and self delusion that my best life awaits in spring/summer (I just don't have that energy to talk myself into believing it right now).

 

[weepingfree]

I'm glad to hear you have some hope. I'm wishing to hang myself tonight. We'll see if I'm brave enough

 

[Uk2023]

I'm glad to hear you have some hope. I'm wishing to hang myself tonight. We'll see if I'm brave enough

I haven't felt that immediate 'it's today' feeling yet. I know winter is my worst point. It's also when my unemployment benefits are checked/reviewed (this Friday) so the 'coaching to look for work' chat is a real slap in the face and always with someone new and stupid

Instead - I'm at that gradually letting go of thinking that continuing to live is a good idea.

It's feeling comfortable that I'm just not willing to try.

Have you felt the immediate 'I want out now' often?

 

[weepingfree]

Have you felt the immediate 'I want out now' often?

The girl I spent most of this year broke up with me six weeks ago and it's been agonizing for the duration. I've never had any friends in my life so she was the person I shared and did everything with. She said she'd prefer not to speak to me again.

I have really bad CPTSD so breakups for me are extremely heavy. They bring up past abandonments

 

[EternalShore]

I can't believe there's no improvement

My only achievement is I'm not connected to anyone

It's 4 months ahead of cold, broke, alone and not a thing or person to do or connect with.

My phone won't ring

My email inbox all marketing

No room at all for disappointment but that's such a low achievement. I'm close to 40, I don't know how over 70's do it if like me they have no family from any generation I don't know how they keep going!

I'm embracing this coming winter as my last… the cold, dark and budgeting.

By spring I will only look forward to seeing the sun and green grass, blossoms. For summer I look forward to the heat, autumn the mildness and colours but I won't see another winter again.

Either life has to miraculously improve or I accept by October 2025 that I'm truly done with life.

I miss my parents so much, it's been 3-4 years without their voices and company. Nothing compares.

Everyone is a user - and in an obvious way. To live as a player, a psychological battle against everything is no way to live. To have those cheap meaningless thrills and interactions of constant 'you versus me' everyone seems so transactional, superficial and pointless to me.

I wish things were able to improve for you~ :( If things aren't good by the time I'm 40, I'd definitely constantly need to sewer slide too! >_< and yeah, when the only contacts one gets are spam, and everyone else gets nice stuff, it's terrible! :///

I'm glad to hear you have some hope. I'm wishing to hang myself tonight. We'll see if I'm brave enough

well, idk what you'll choose and certainly don't want to push it either! >_< but I do want to say farewell if you do go~ I wish you the best with the decision you choose and will pray for you~ :)

 

[weepingfree]

I appreciate that. I'm having some trouble understanding how to do partial hanging so I may not pull it off.

 

[BllyNoM8s]

I haven't felt that immediate 'it's today' feeling yet. I know winter is my worst point. It's also when my unemployment benefits are checked/reviewed (this Friday) so the 'coaching to look for work' chat is a real slap in the face and always with someone new and stupid

Instead - I'm at that gradually letting go of thinking that continuing to live is a good idea.

It's feeling comfortable that I'm just not willing to try.

Have you felt the immediate 'I want out now' often?

I feel the I want out now feeling so much. The only reason I'm still here is my laziness and my lack of a method

 

[Uk2023]

The girl I spent most of this year broke up with me six weeks ago and it's been agonizing for the duration. I've never had any friends in my life so she was the person I shared and did everything with. She said she'd prefer not to speak to me again.

I have really bad CPTSD so breakups for me are extremely heavy. They bring up past abandonments

Ok

So you did enjoy company

It's just that the relationship has ended and you feel your worst

Sorry the abandonment replay has happened… it's draining when the brain goes round in unpleasant loops

I had 2 days of non stop loops but eventually I laughed at something

Then I had a day of extreme funny loops

Eventually it all stopped and I was back to comfortable numb; not sad or happy but unbothered

 

[weepingfree]

Sorry the abandonment replay has happened… it's draining when the brain goes round in unpleasant loops

I had 2 days of non stop loops but eventually I laughed at something

Oh, you know exactly what I'm feeling

 

[Uk2023]

I feel the I want out now feeling so much. The only reason I'm still here is my laziness and my lack of a method

Maybe it's best your lazy

I sometimes wish I was some old ladies cat… eat, sleep, get fussed on and spoken highly of

Oh, you know exactly what I'm feeling

the replays will stop and you'll be able to rest up a bit

 

[weepingfree]

For the amount of times I've been to a doctor, I really wish they could fulfill my greatest wish in life: to kill myself painlessly

 

[blacktrain98]

May life miraculously improve for you, friend.

Maybe there is a timeline where you find something comparable to being an old lady's cat... Do you have any pets?

 

[Uk2023]

May life miraculously improve for you, friend.

Maybe there is a timeline where you find something comparable to being an old lady's cat... Do you have any pets?

Thanks!

My last pet (a cat) passed last year

It was a case of shall I get another one but the commitment put my of

I have however befriended squirrels I think they will hibernate soon - I should read up on it!

So I do like animals