40 is a great number

[PizzaManDan]

This is my first time posting here. I've been coming here just to read and find connection.

I'm 39 male from Arizona and I've been dealing with depression for sometime now. Im in therapy right now going every week. Im on medication and I don't think it's really working.
Im a father of 3 and have a GF of 9 years. People would say I have a great life but mentally and emotionally I'm alone.
If you get it then you get it. When I say I feel alone, it feels like I'm uncomfortable in my own body and feel small.
I had a great childhood, my parents have been married for 45 years. I have an older brother and sister. Somewhere along the way I would say in my 20's I started to feel depressed.

The only person I share everything with is with my therapist. I feel like she understands or maybe she has to cause it's a business.

This whole mental awareness month is a bunch of bullshit and a way for people just to post on social media for the likes.
Do people really care when they ask -"hey how are you doing?"

I normally just say good so they can move on. Because in reality im not good and im struggling but no one really wants to hear that.

Fathers day last year, the week of, I was going to kill myself. I was right where I was going to do it and had my gun in my hand.
What stopped me was a car pulled up a few spaces down and the passenger looked right at me and just waved.

So this brings me the present day. I guess from a test I took in severely depressed.
I have decided to find peace on August 2025. On my 40th birthday. I won't be found and that's what I want.
I am mentally tired and exhausted. I only get about 3 hours of sleep each night.

My kids are wonderful and I hope none of them feel like this ever.

I don't want sympathy. Im
Not looking for "everyone loves you".

Im good with my decision.
Im going to find peace.

Well if you want to just chat message me or whatever.
I'll respond the best I can.

Until next time
Cheers!

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I get it. I suffer from major depressive disorder also. I'm so sorry. It's brutal. No one can comprehend the pain unless they have experienced it.

 

[TragedyBornCrimson]

Your a strong person to have lived for so long, you will be missed when you pass on.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

If you have any children that aren't 18 years old yet, you gotta stay alive for them. Unwritten rule.

 

[dontlook]

I'm glad you've found what's right for you and I hope that things go smoothly for you in the meantime until you meet your peace

 

[TANETS]

I hope you find peace…

 

[TANETS]

I didn't know how to phrase this when I first came across this forum yesterday but I will attempt.

Our minds are extremely complex, it sucks to know that you could have everything at the palm of your hand and have your brain work actively against you. I can't imagine.

. I really do sincerely hope that you can find some form of tranquility in this unpredictable spectacle of life.

 

[ChaoticMind]

This is my first time posting here. I've been coming here just to read and find connection.

I'm 39 male from Arizona and I've been dealing with depression for sometime now. Im in therapy right now going every week. Im on medication and I don't think it's really working.
Im a father of 3 and have a GF of 9 years. People would say I have a great life but mentally and emotionally I'm alone.
If you get it then you get it. When I say I feel alone, it feels like I'm uncomfortable in my own body and feel small.
I had a great childhood, my parents have been married for 45 years. I have an older brother and sister. Somewhere along the way I would say in my 20's I started to feel depressed.

The only person I share everything with is with my therapist. I feel like she understands or maybe she has to cause it's a business.

This whole mental awareness month is a bunch of bullshit and a way for people just to post on social media for the likes.
Do people really care when they ask -"hey how are you doing?"

I normally just say good so they can move on. Because in reality im not good and im struggling but no one really wants to hear that.

Fathers day last year, the week of, I was going to kill myself. I was right where I was going to do it and had my gun in my hand.
What stopped me was a car pulled up a few spaces down and the passenger looked right at me and just waved.

So this brings me the present day. I guess from a test I took in severely depressed.
I have decided to find peace on August 2025. On my 40th birthday. I won't be found and that's what I want.
I am mentally tired and exhausted. I only get about 3 hours of sleep each night.

My kids are wonderful and I hope none of them feel like this ever.

I don't want sympathy. Im
Not looking for "everyone loves you".

Im good with my decision.
Im going to find peace. View attachment 154328

Well if you want to just chat message me or whatever.
I'll respond the best I can.

Until next time
Cheers!

I'm 34 I live in Pennsylvania and non-binary
I get you man, I've been dealing with depression for most of my life, unfortunately I don't really have a family that truly gives a shit. I struggle with self harm, had since i was 10, my mom was the only one who got me, after she died in 2012..my lfe got worse. My dad became even more emotionaly abusive..hes better now but there are still times where it gets bad. My family still basically ignores my problems, if they ignore it i think they think it will go away. I suppose the only thing keeping me going is my partner of 10 years..we had our ups and downs but..he's been there..

 

[PizzaManDan]

Happy Thursday!

I want to thank you for coming into my life. I don't want you to think that any of this is your fault. You tried to help me but like I said in one of our sessions, it's too late. I never cried beside alittle in our last sessions because I always knew the outcome. This whole dark blanket that has covered me has giving me no way to escape.
I can promise you this that I have found my paradise and peace.


I also want you know that over time I started to care about you as a person. You are a good person and are very loving. Warm and approachable.
I hope you find your love and marry that person. And remember always be comfortable and wear your converse.

One last thing…. I said to you that the problem with the world is that we just ask "hey how are you doing"
Truly ask them "hey how are you doing I'm here for you"


I'll see you again someday and when we do you will see the joy I once had.
RR

With much love and peace
DD

 

[Uk2023]

This is my first time posting here. I've been coming here just to read and find connection.

I'm 39 male from Arizona and I've been dealing with depression for sometime now. Im in therapy right now going every week. Im on medication and I don't think it's really working.
Im a father of 3 and have a GF of 9 years. People would say I have a great life but mentally and emotionally I'm alone.
If you get it then you get it. When I say I feel alone, it feels like I'm uncomfortable in my own body and feel small.
I had a great childhood, my parents have been married for 45 years. I have an older brother and sister. Somewhere along the way I would say in my 20's I started to feel depressed.

The only person I share everything with is with my therapist. I feel like she understands or maybe she has to cause it's a business.

This whole mental awareness month is a bunch of bullshit and a way for people just to post on social media for the likes.
Do people really care when they ask -"hey how are you doing?"

I normally just say good so they can move on. Because in reality im not good and im struggling but no one really wants to hear that.

Fathers day last year, the week of, I was going to kill myself. I was right where I was going to do it and had my gun in my hand.
What stopped me was a car pulled up a few spaces down and the passenger looked right at me and just waved.

So this brings me the present day. I guess from a test I took in severely depressed.
I have decided to find peace on August 2025. On my 40th birthday. I won't be found and that's what I want.
I am mentally tired and exhausted. I only get about 3 hours of sleep each night.

My kids are wonderful and I hope none of them feel like this ever.

I don't want sympathy. Im
Not looking for "everyone loves you".

Im good with my decision.
Im going to find peace. View attachment 154328

Well if you want to just chat message me or whatever.
I'll respond the best I can.

Until next time
Cheers!

I'm not here to talk you out of it but pattern recognition happened and I'm curious about my theory

Why was Father's Day last year a trigger? Do you feel guilt/pressure that your depression stops you from enjoying fatherhood? - if so, sometimes you have to shoot at the depression and not yourself!

There's something to be said for telling depression to F off a bit sometimes

You picked your last day next year as your 40th bday in august - it looks a lovely spot but again it's a significant date - your birthday! is that a trigger too? do you feel pressured that your not 'Fab at Forty' and all that jazz that you are literally going to battle that pressure by exiting life.

I really do wonder if you should try to approach 2025 as - I will tell depression to F off and let me experience fathers day, I will tell depression to F off and let me experience my birthday.

You might have a significant dates pressure point.

Christmas, New Years, Valentines, Father's Day, Birthday - do you need a routine for these days; like the night before tell depression you want the day off tomorrow!

'Depression, I want the day off tomorrow. I want to experience fathers day without you're influence'

With that step done I think you might experience a few pleasant or unpleasant surprises:

Depression - can sometimes be a mask for a host of emotions (loneliness, anger, grief, regret, boredom, shock, trauma) so I'm just giving you a heads up that you will have to tell that to F off as well… I think as you unravel those emotions it might be worth telling the therapist about them as you already have good rapport with her.

Also I'm liking Keanu Reeves here as he was labelled a lonely guy - I see this as a pleasant comparison. I know you have a partner and children but have you got you? Cos that stranger in the car that waved had you better than you had yourself that day - fact!

On your 40th go for a walk to that place with a cupcake and just accept that it's been lonely and for too long, so have your own back more.

Guns are for shooting at things (like cans or at a shooting range place)

Parking bays are for parking cars

This lake place is just a quiet spot you found, you said no-one would find you… you seem determined not to be interrupted and that's a strength BUT now you've done it, can't you see that you've solved it - you wouldn't be found there; so you win.

This lake spot is peaceful. It really is just a peaceful spot. I really do think your seeking peace (a day off) from depression so you can experience something else, it's been almost 20 years with depression in control of things, ruling significant dates, robbing you of the other experiences and your sleep.

Consider experimenting with talking to it - tell it to F off!

Your therapist could be the person to talk to about that experiment - I told my depression I want the day off and I experienced … (fill the blank here) I hope that the pleasant outweighs the unpleasant