thealteredmind
Experienced
- Apr 2, 2024
- 231
Hey everyone. been posting on reddit suicidewatch every month but for some reason the just banned me and deleted my post. no explanation... what the fuck right? on a suicide forum?
so, I'm going to post months 14, 13 and 9 here (there is no 12,11,10) and if you don't mind... going to post monthly here.
(this is going to be long, sorry)
that's the time I have left. That's when I plan to end this.
Why 14 months? Because I'm giving myself this year (11 months if you count February) to recover from certain debilitating diseases. And the last 3 months? in the case I fail, they will be dedicated to write a long letter for my family (I don't want to skip anything and I want to make sure they understand why I'm doing this), also plan to spend time with them and do a couple final experiments.
Let me tell you a bit about myself.
I have 4 main issues right now.
let's start from the beginning… my number 1 issue.
1 = depression
I had depression my entire fucking life. I'm 31. I first detected something was wrong when I was young at 7 years of age, but it wasn't entirely clear.
Since then depression just kept growing and growing, like cancer.
And there was no trauma, no cause. It just… was there.
But what is depression? it's a cluster of symptoms that make no sense.
In my case those are: non refreshing sleep, always being tired, insomnia, having trouble establishing romantic relationships, always being tense, not being able to relax, not interested in making friends, trouble concentrating at work, extreme procrastination specially with personal projects, never studied anything or did any courses, tired gloomy mood, always feeling overwhelmed, no joy in life, no motivation to do things, can't enjoy stuff, no interest in life at its core, low pain tolerance, being emotionally psychologically weak, weird symptoms like shoulder neck back pain and specially weird feeling between my eyes.
Like I said, have in mind that these symptoms got worse each year. For example if I look at when I was 20, I was obviously better. at 15 even better… at 10 years old more. When I was 20 I was a lot more motivated and life was brighter… but I knew something was wrong so I was working on fixing different things in my life and so.
Needless to say that I tried everything under the sun to fix my depression, and I also tried to fix each of those symptoms separately. I did everything you can imagine to better my depression and nothing worked! and the ridiculous thing is… normally when you have depression you tend to have a couple things to "cope"… well.. in my case.. NOTHING works, not even to cope! not even to make things a lil better.
I could make you a list of all the things I tried. I've been actively working on improving my life since I was 20 years (maybe… 18).
And again… I tried to pick these symptoms one by one and throwing everything at them. Like… I don't know… non refreshing sleep? you know the deal: sleep hygiene, supplements, meditation, blahblahblah.
And the result is always the same… no improvement. It's pretty strange if you ask me.
It's like I'm immune to positive changes in my brain. However… not in my body!
Let's take exercise for example. Everyone around me tells me the same: once they start doing exercise they start getting results as soon as 1 or 3 months (which is a reasonable time), like more energy, better sleep etc etc.
But me? nothing. The only thing that changes is my body, maybe I get bigger muscles and that's it. And let me tell you, I tried several type of exercises (weightlifting, running, boxing, swimming) for longer time.
Very… weird.
Anyways… that's depression for me. And some of you could tell me… "ah but everyone has those problems! it's normal"
Believe me, it is one thing to have "some insomnia", "some trouble sleeping", "some problems making friends"… and another really different thing to have
+ severe insomnia (let's say you need 8hs to function but you get on avg 5hs) to the point of feeling horrible everyday, you cannot function, etc etc
+ problems making friends: I had the same group of 1-2 friends my entire life. I used to have more but DUE TO FEELING LIKE SHIT I stopped talking to people so I ended up cancelling plans and things like that. And I would like to have more friends and talk to more people but when you are mentally unstable all the time it is just… not possible.
So… when I talk symptoms… they are serious symptoms… they aren't small inconveniences.
2 = insomnia
3 years ago I developed severe insomnia. I had enough with my depression, but this? good lord. This made things so so much worse. So let's say with my depression I was on avg like 20% functional?
With insomnia… that number went to 10%.
I need 8hs to be good. 7hs is like… eh… ok but I feel off. less than 7hs is trouble.
###
In fact there's a funny (funny?) story with this. On my long journey trying to find the cause for my depression I had a sleep study and found I had sleep hypopneas (it's like sleep apnea) so it's was like "oh! so this is the reason I always feel like crap!"
So I had surgery and after that we measured the hypopneas again… and technically I was cured! great!
but then? what happened? well… I still felt the same! so fixing that made literally no difference! WHAT THE HELL? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
Well folks, that the story of my life.
and guess what? a year after the surgery my sleep got worse. In the past I used to need 6hs and I was functional. After the surgery that number went to 8hs.
Why? nobody knows… I went to doctors and sleep study again… and nothing was found.
###
So… 8hs. With the new symptom… insomnia… I started getting between 5hs and 8hs daily. It was totally random. sometimes a string of 8s. sometimes 7s. sometimes 5s or 6s.
Drove me crazy. No apparent reason.
Do I have to say that I tried everything under the fucking goddamn sun to fix this? good lord.
I also found that I became sensitive to coffee. Now I cannot take caffeine at night because I barely sleep.
Insomnia made the last 3 years miserable. In fact… it's the main reason I ended up with the next 2 issues I'm going to tell you soon.
Think about it… If you spend 10+ years trying to improve your depression and then you get insomnia of top of that… and nothing works, there comes a point where you said "ah fuck this… I'm going to talk to a psychiatrist"
And that was actually my last option, because I was avoiding medication, but the fucking insomnia led me to them. And… that's how I dug my tomb.
3 = PSSD
You know what pssd is? is when you have a severe reaction to ssris (it can happen with finasteride too) so you end up developing extreme symptoms that persist after you stop taking ssris.
And that is what happened. I took Lexapro for 6 months. For the first 3 months I have to admit I felt better than ever… for the first time I could say "man… my depression is better wow!".
and it was true… I felt 15% better overall which is a lot. And I had no side effects other than being more lazy and taking more naps, but it was a fair trade off. Finally… something that works right?
Ha… no.
After 3 months… the medication turned up on me. In a couple days I developed all the characteristic symptoms of pssd. I'm not going to go into detail but let's just say… you thought having depression was bad? well… this is 100x worse.
I tapered and then they gave me effexor which quickly made things EVEN WORSE.
So I said "no fuck this man, I don't want more drugs" and stopped taking that (no need to taper because I used it for only a couple days).
I was left in such a miserable and pathetic state… I stopped working, I became almost a vegetable.
I had depression my entire life yes, but I never stopped working (even if my performance was subpar). Never never ever.
So, to reach a point where I couldn't work anymore… well... it has to be severe (and it was…).
It has been 8 months since I took those. Most symptoms abated. One of them is getting better but VERY slowly (like 3% per month).
But there's one symptom… that hasn't improved. Not even a little bit. And it's the most important one. it's too hard to describe.
Let's just say… I'm not the same I was before.
We could say it's all of these combined and to the MAXIMUM: emotional blunting, full anhedonia, full apathy, full lack of motivation.
So… the old me? that one that liked a couple things, had a little of motivation, of joy, of drive to accomplish goals (and fail miserably)? that one?
He's dead. It's gone.
Now I'm totally empty. I was barely living before. Now I'm barely surviving.
I had a couple things that kept me alive and thriving before this… things that I could hold onto. Now I can't do that anymore. Life really lost all meaning.
The thing with pssd is that… doctors are barely aware of it, or they dismiss you. So at the moment the only thing you can do is wait, and pray that you will eventually recover.
Yeah you could try doing the "traditional shit" to recover like sleep exercise diet… but no evidence it works. At the moment there is no treatment for this. And if you try medications… high chance you will make this worse.
There is also sentivities that you develop with this shit. For example, I tried a low dose of 5-htp to help with other symptoms… and it set me back for MONTHS. Yeah, that's how ridiculous this thing is.
4 = benzo withdrawal
To add insult to injury… I also ended up very damaged from benzos, that they also prescribed to me.
For 4 months, while I was using ssri they also gave me 0.5mg klonopin. For sleeping. Eventually they tapered me off and no problem. A little bit of insomnia which they fixed by giving me another thing (olanzapine, there's a trend where they give people antipsychotics to sleep! yeah, amazing).
After weaning off all drugs, I needed something to abate some withdrawal symptoms, so they gave me 2mg klonopin (I was desperate to feel some relief, silly me, I should have waited some)
After a couple weeks I developed tolerance withdrawal which is when you get withdrawal symptoms from the same dose and the only thing to feel better is upping the dose.
So I did a careful taper to wean off that shitty thing (I DON'T WANT MORE DRUGS!!!)
But sadly… even after tapering slow… I ended up with various debilitating symptoms.
I took my last dose 4 months ago… but I still experience serious symptoms. And again… it's one of those things where there is not a lot you can do.
If you go to doctors guess what? more medication. fuck no. Or they said "this is impossible, it's all in your head!".
So again… you have to wait and hope that you brain recovers.
But that's the thing… I only used this benzo for a short time (2 months + 2 months taper) and to end up being damaged like this? that's bad news man. That's not good… it's not a good sign.
And you have to understand… this thing is so severe… that I also got sensivities from this thing too!
So I have sensitivities from pssd and from benzo combined!
In this case… it's more limiting. If I take something with aspartame… or if I take an antihistamine… or … listen to this… if I just run for a couple minutes (that is… exercise!)…
I END UP WITH WORSE SYMPTOMS!
But how worse? a couple hours? a couple days?
no.
3 months ago when I recovered from some symptoms I said to myself "hey, to help recover faster let's go for a short run!" so I did that. A short light run of 10 minutes, nothing exhausting.
And I'm still paying the consequences of that.
You see the point in this? when people end up in benzo withdrawal they get sensitive to things… yes, but nothing too extreme. Like, they react and get symptoms for a couple hours or days.
NOT MONTHS MAN, NOT MONTHS!
You see then? how ridiculous and stupid all of this is?
And by the way… one of these symptoms… you thought having insomnia is bad? there are even worse things believe me. That's how bad this is.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wrapping up.
So… that's my story.
I cannot do much. I'm doing a few experiments but the truth is… I think I'm extremely screwed.
I mean… I could… "cope with" or "endure" the depression. Yeah, it was getting worse and worse and worse… but well… uh… I could keep up for a couple years more.
But then developing insomnia? good lord.
That is TOO much… but hey… let's keep trying… let's keep going…
and then… to end up with pssd and benzo withdrawal AT THE SAME TIME?
Nah man I'm sorry… this is a fucking joke. This is just ridiculous. There's a god up there? fuck him. Fuck the universe and fuck absolutely everything around me and fuck life. fuck me also. fuck my sensitive shitty brain. fuck my bad luck.
So that's why I decided… if I don't recover from 3 and 4 this year (pssd and benzo withdrawal), that is… if by January 2025 I'm not back to normal… then sorry man, I really can't keep this up. I will do my final preparations and fucking kill myself.
Depression was painful… yes, but I could endure it. It was extremely hard and frustrating… but there was a little bit of hope and peace.
Insomnia made things harder… much… much harder… but hey, I could… barely… go on.
But then this? pssd? benzo withdrawal?
Everyone has limits. I reached mine. I will do what I can during this year, but I don't expect too much to be honest… life has proven me over and over again how ridiculous all of this is.
Basically I need 2 miracles. That's how complicated the situation is right now.
I will keep you updated every month, I will link back to previous months.
I'm not sure why I'm doing this kind of post/journal… has anyone ever did something like this? huh anyways.
See you on March.
Hello again.
Well, I tried a couple things on February… I failed on one, might try again in the future. Tried a different experiment to see if I could lift my broken spirit from pssd… and shit. It didn't work. At all.
That day was so SO dark… and on top of that, one of my pssd symptoms just returned to 0… that means… the improvement I made got lost. I knew it was a risk but… it's so ridiculous because the dose of the thing I took was extremely small… but still… lost all progress on that department.
(this is called a crash, it's sadly very common with pssd. You take a substance or a medication… and then you lose all progress in one or several symptoms)
absurd, I should be angry but… part of me doesn't care anymore. I know that symptom will recover… it will take months. But on the other hand, even if it recovers… doesn't really matter anymore… because I don't have my spirit, my soul. And I also have severe symptoms from benzo withdrawal… so all of this is just a fucking shitshow.
Now the thing is, after trying that experiment, I'm just left with 3 options. that experiment was supposed to be done next year, after losing all hope…
now I'm left with only 3 options.
one is waiting for natural recovery, which… doesn't matter what I do, will still happen or not.
two is another experiment that has the potential to fix everything, only issue is that is SO HARD, and I need money to do it (I will do it though).
three would be… doing something that won't fix anything. but it will give me peace… at least. peace with whatever happens.
and that's what I plan to do in the next months. I will work on that last option. It will make the rest of the things easier.
I'm sorry to be so cryptic, it's just that… nothing makes any sense. What kind of brain ends up dysfunctional like this? it's so absurd.
Today I also comeup with the exact method to… go out of this world. I don't plan to fail… I will execute it perfectly.
What else? I'm tired… tired of everything, of the pain, of being tired… of not being able to have a semi-normal life.
Words can't describe the pain I'm going through… everyday I just repeat in my head "I want to go, I want to go"… because that's what I want… I want to end this pain, and there's no other way.
Oh… by the way. I don't know if it's necessary to say but as you can imagine… my pssd and benzo withdrawal have not improved, not even a single bit. Consider that I have like… 10 different symptoms between those 2 disorders… and I don't register any difference in these symptoms.
So, things look… very grim. Very dark.
This is going to end so bad. I'm sad that I have to leave this world.
(but stay!)
stay? I'm enduring excruciatingly pain without being able to feel better, it's a constant torture. And there's no help available anymore. I don't say because I'm negative. It's the truth.
My depression is treatment resistant. My insomnia is debilitating and unsolvable.
"oh but you can take medications!!"
No, that's the thing, I cannot take medications anymore!
I could… before. but now? I'm totally screwed. Any medication I take has the potential to further damage me. I'm not kidding.
See you in a month.
you might be wondering "where the hell are months 12,11,10??".
They don't exists. This will finish earlier. Yes I will still give me myself this full year to recover, but there's no point in waiting 3 months more in 2025 no end this.
The pain and suffering is too much, it's unbearable. I can't take it anymore friends.
I'm already contacting my family and friends and spending time with them, I'm slowly saying my goodbyes (they have no idea of course…)
The last 2 months will be used to write the long letter (why I'm doing this, and so and so) for everyone.
even if I managed to go back to normal… depression just removed everything from my life. and insomnia just adds extreme pain.
I will also be less cryptic.
what happened this month? a couple things…
I'm currently doing 2 meditation techniques. I don't expect… nothing out of them. Still… I know one of them DOES something… but it is very subtle… I already did it in the past and makes some super small difference but never done it enough time. So I'm doing it, for the full year or well… actually 10 months.
and then the other meditation technique which is more cognitive. that could… help… or maybe not. we don't know.
I made some improvements with these two.
regarding the experiment from previous month… it was a lsd microdose. the problem is, with PSSD you cannot play with these things, sadly.
because it sets you back… really really back. one of my symptoms just got to 0. this month went to 5%... good thing is that I will recover it eventually. but still, I'm sad because microdosing was a nice tool in the past… it gave me like 5% relief from depression.
regarding my pssd symptoms… I only have 2 at the moment. well… one of them is like 4 symptoms but intimately connected. surprisingly… this month I made progress on that. I don't know how, or why. In fact I thought I would NEVER recover. the symptom that improved was my… spirit to put in a way. pssd kills your spirit, you are not you anymore. that… is recovering. that's good news… because my suffering reduced like 10%.
But it is still not enough. I could recover totally from pssd. I could recover totally from benzo withdrawal.
not enough. with depression + insomnia… is not enough. I still want to kill myself and with a lot of desire. I want to destroy this brain, this body. I would put a bullet in my head and then fall from a tall building if I could. I don't have a weapon. so hanging it is. I have it 90% planned. I won't fail.
I hate this body and brain so deeply. it is not fair. to be in this world with so much potential… but not being able to do anything, I don't mind being happy, I just want some peace and be at least content… but it is not possible. I suffer A LOT. depression means a huge amount of psychological, physical, spiritual, emotional pain. insomnia? 10x worse.
I'm tired, I want to go out NOW. but… I said I would give me this year… and I'm doing that.
You could tell me "your family! they are going to be so sad" and yes… this thing stopped me, before the medication.
but now? I'm sorry, it is not enough, I can't take it anymore.
anyways…
my benzo withdrawal? no progress. 6 months… and no progress. and my use was super short term (only 2 months) and to end up damaged like this? haha fuck you brain and body, I want to destroy you so bad. I'm going to enjoy a lot killing myself. FUCK LIFE.
ah… another really STRANGE thing that happened this month. something that never never happened in my life.
See… with depression you always feel awful, for no reason. depression is just A LOT of symptoms that don't make any sense… it is the brain working like shit.
when I did microdosing… I felt 5% better. but didn't touch my insomnia… so I ended up on medication.
medication improved me by 15%. then not only stopped working… it sent me way down like 90%. ridiculous.
(I have to really check these numbers… I'm going to do it soon)
So, what happened? this month… on day 26… I woke up and noticed something weird… I didn't pay too much attention but noticed that the feeling just continued there without going away. It was a… maybe 10% reduction in depression?
and it lasted… for 6hs. I noticed it but didn't really pay a lot of attention or got my hopes up because I knew it was just an anomaly…
But… something like that NEVER HAPPENED. on its own? not possible. and I spent 31 years on this world… and I tried so many things.
Never woke up feeling like that. and I hate it. because it only lasted 6hs. and I have no fucking idea how something like that happened. what caused it. I tried repeating the actions from that day and before and couldn't reproduce the state.
it feels like my brain is fucking with me…
but man… I don't know… but it was easily a noticeable improvement in depression. like somehow my brain knew how to work better and then forgot it. fuck. what the hell happened. is it going to happen again? how do I repeat it? how do I keep that state? it wasn't a state of mind, like the ones you can recreate with "thinking". it wasn't something like that… it really felt like I was on a drug or medication… goddamnit.
That's all for this month.
9 months left… starting tomorrow.
I don't care what happens… well… of course I want to live but without depression or insomnia.
I know this suffering will end. Either I kill myself or my depression AND insomnia is gone.
before that "event" I could tell you "it is literally impossible to fix this depression" but now? I don't know man… something happened that day. it could be nothing, just my brain messing with me. or maybe it is a sign that I'm doing something correctly?
God lord.
See you next month.
so, I'm going to post months 14, 13 and 9 here (there is no 12,11,10) and if you don't mind... going to post monthly here.
14 months left
(this is going to be long, sorry)
that's the time I have left. That's when I plan to end this.
Why 14 months? Because I'm giving myself this year (11 months if you count February) to recover from certain debilitating diseases. And the last 3 months? in the case I fail, they will be dedicated to write a long letter for my family (I don't want to skip anything and I want to make sure they understand why I'm doing this), also plan to spend time with them and do a couple final experiments.
Let me tell you a bit about myself.
I have 4 main issues right now.
let's start from the beginning… my number 1 issue.
1 = depression
I had depression my entire fucking life. I'm 31. I first detected something was wrong when I was young at 7 years of age, but it wasn't entirely clear.
Since then depression just kept growing and growing, like cancer.
And there was no trauma, no cause. It just… was there.
But what is depression? it's a cluster of symptoms that make no sense.
In my case those are: non refreshing sleep, always being tired, insomnia, having trouble establishing romantic relationships, always being tense, not being able to relax, not interested in making friends, trouble concentrating at work, extreme procrastination specially with personal projects, never studied anything or did any courses, tired gloomy mood, always feeling overwhelmed, no joy in life, no motivation to do things, can't enjoy stuff, no interest in life at its core, low pain tolerance, being emotionally psychologically weak, weird symptoms like shoulder neck back pain and specially weird feeling between my eyes.
Like I said, have in mind that these symptoms got worse each year. For example if I look at when I was 20, I was obviously better. at 15 even better… at 10 years old more. When I was 20 I was a lot more motivated and life was brighter… but I knew something was wrong so I was working on fixing different things in my life and so.
Needless to say that I tried everything under the sun to fix my depression, and I also tried to fix each of those symptoms separately. I did everything you can imagine to better my depression and nothing worked! and the ridiculous thing is… normally when you have depression you tend to have a couple things to "cope"… well.. in my case.. NOTHING works, not even to cope! not even to make things a lil better.
I could make you a list of all the things I tried. I've been actively working on improving my life since I was 20 years (maybe… 18).
And again… I tried to pick these symptoms one by one and throwing everything at them. Like… I don't know… non refreshing sleep? you know the deal: sleep hygiene, supplements, meditation, blahblahblah.
And the result is always the same… no improvement. It's pretty strange if you ask me.
It's like I'm immune to positive changes in my brain. However… not in my body!
Let's take exercise for example. Everyone around me tells me the same: once they start doing exercise they start getting results as soon as 1 or 3 months (which is a reasonable time), like more energy, better sleep etc etc.
But me? nothing. The only thing that changes is my body, maybe I get bigger muscles and that's it. And let me tell you, I tried several type of exercises (weightlifting, running, boxing, swimming) for longer time.
Very… weird.
Anyways… that's depression for me. And some of you could tell me… "ah but everyone has those problems! it's normal"
Believe me, it is one thing to have "some insomnia", "some trouble sleeping", "some problems making friends"… and another really different thing to have
+ severe insomnia (let's say you need 8hs to function but you get on avg 5hs) to the point of feeling horrible everyday, you cannot function, etc etc
+ problems making friends: I had the same group of 1-2 friends my entire life. I used to have more but DUE TO FEELING LIKE SHIT I stopped talking to people so I ended up cancelling plans and things like that. And I would like to have more friends and talk to more people but when you are mentally unstable all the time it is just… not possible.
So… when I talk symptoms… they are serious symptoms… they aren't small inconveniences.
2 = insomnia
3 years ago I developed severe insomnia. I had enough with my depression, but this? good lord. This made things so so much worse. So let's say with my depression I was on avg like 20% functional?
With insomnia… that number went to 10%.
I need 8hs to be good. 7hs is like… eh… ok but I feel off. less than 7hs is trouble.
###
In fact there's a funny (funny?) story with this. On my long journey trying to find the cause for my depression I had a sleep study and found I had sleep hypopneas (it's like sleep apnea) so it's was like "oh! so this is the reason I always feel like crap!"
So I had surgery and after that we measured the hypopneas again… and technically I was cured! great!
but then? what happened? well… I still felt the same! so fixing that made literally no difference! WHAT THE HELL? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
Well folks, that the story of my life.
and guess what? a year after the surgery my sleep got worse. In the past I used to need 6hs and I was functional. After the surgery that number went to 8hs.
Why? nobody knows… I went to doctors and sleep study again… and nothing was found.
###
So… 8hs. With the new symptom… insomnia… I started getting between 5hs and 8hs daily. It was totally random. sometimes a string of 8s. sometimes 7s. sometimes 5s or 6s.
Drove me crazy. No apparent reason.
Do I have to say that I tried everything under the fucking goddamn sun to fix this? good lord.
I also found that I became sensitive to coffee. Now I cannot take caffeine at night because I barely sleep.
Insomnia made the last 3 years miserable. In fact… it's the main reason I ended up with the next 2 issues I'm going to tell you soon.
Think about it… If you spend 10+ years trying to improve your depression and then you get insomnia of top of that… and nothing works, there comes a point where you said "ah fuck this… I'm going to talk to a psychiatrist"
And that was actually my last option, because I was avoiding medication, but the fucking insomnia led me to them. And… that's how I dug my tomb.
3 = PSSD
You know what pssd is? is when you have a severe reaction to ssris (it can happen with finasteride too) so you end up developing extreme symptoms that persist after you stop taking ssris.
And that is what happened. I took Lexapro for 6 months. For the first 3 months I have to admit I felt better than ever… for the first time I could say "man… my depression is better wow!".
and it was true… I felt 15% better overall which is a lot. And I had no side effects other than being more lazy and taking more naps, but it was a fair trade off. Finally… something that works right?
Ha… no.
After 3 months… the medication turned up on me. In a couple days I developed all the characteristic symptoms of pssd. I'm not going to go into detail but let's just say… you thought having depression was bad? well… this is 100x worse.
I tapered and then they gave me effexor which quickly made things EVEN WORSE.
So I said "no fuck this man, I don't want more drugs" and stopped taking that (no need to taper because I used it for only a couple days).
I was left in such a miserable and pathetic state… I stopped working, I became almost a vegetable.
I had depression my entire life yes, but I never stopped working (even if my performance was subpar). Never never ever.
So, to reach a point where I couldn't work anymore… well... it has to be severe (and it was…).
It has been 8 months since I took those. Most symptoms abated. One of them is getting better but VERY slowly (like 3% per month).
But there's one symptom… that hasn't improved. Not even a little bit. And it's the most important one. it's too hard to describe.
Let's just say… I'm not the same I was before.
We could say it's all of these combined and to the MAXIMUM: emotional blunting, full anhedonia, full apathy, full lack of motivation.
So… the old me? that one that liked a couple things, had a little of motivation, of joy, of drive to accomplish goals (and fail miserably)? that one?
He's dead. It's gone.
Now I'm totally empty. I was barely living before. Now I'm barely surviving.
I had a couple things that kept me alive and thriving before this… things that I could hold onto. Now I can't do that anymore. Life really lost all meaning.
The thing with pssd is that… doctors are barely aware of it, or they dismiss you. So at the moment the only thing you can do is wait, and pray that you will eventually recover.
Yeah you could try doing the "traditional shit" to recover like sleep exercise diet… but no evidence it works. At the moment there is no treatment for this. And if you try medications… high chance you will make this worse.
There is also sentivities that you develop with this shit. For example, I tried a low dose of 5-htp to help with other symptoms… and it set me back for MONTHS. Yeah, that's how ridiculous this thing is.
4 = benzo withdrawal
To add insult to injury… I also ended up very damaged from benzos, that they also prescribed to me.
For 4 months, while I was using ssri they also gave me 0.5mg klonopin. For sleeping. Eventually they tapered me off and no problem. A little bit of insomnia which they fixed by giving me another thing (olanzapine, there's a trend where they give people antipsychotics to sleep! yeah, amazing).
After weaning off all drugs, I needed something to abate some withdrawal symptoms, so they gave me 2mg klonopin (I was desperate to feel some relief, silly me, I should have waited some)
After a couple weeks I developed tolerance withdrawal which is when you get withdrawal symptoms from the same dose and the only thing to feel better is upping the dose.
So I did a careful taper to wean off that shitty thing (I DON'T WANT MORE DRUGS!!!)
But sadly… even after tapering slow… I ended up with various debilitating symptoms.
I took my last dose 4 months ago… but I still experience serious symptoms. And again… it's one of those things where there is not a lot you can do.
If you go to doctors guess what? more medication. fuck no. Or they said "this is impossible, it's all in your head!".
So again… you have to wait and hope that you brain recovers.
But that's the thing… I only used this benzo for a short time (2 months + 2 months taper) and to end up being damaged like this? that's bad news man. That's not good… it's not a good sign.
And you have to understand… this thing is so severe… that I also got sensivities from this thing too!
So I have sensitivities from pssd and from benzo combined!
In this case… it's more limiting. If I take something with aspartame… or if I take an antihistamine… or … listen to this… if I just run for a couple minutes (that is… exercise!)…
I END UP WITH WORSE SYMPTOMS!
But how worse? a couple hours? a couple days?
no.
3 months ago when I recovered from some symptoms I said to myself "hey, to help recover faster let's go for a short run!" so I did that. A short light run of 10 minutes, nothing exhausting.
And I'm still paying the consequences of that.
You see the point in this? when people end up in benzo withdrawal they get sensitive to things… yes, but nothing too extreme. Like, they react and get symptoms for a couple hours or days.
NOT MONTHS MAN, NOT MONTHS!
You see then? how ridiculous and stupid all of this is?
And by the way… one of these symptoms… you thought having insomnia is bad? there are even worse things believe me. That's how bad this is.
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Wrapping up.
So… that's my story.
I cannot do much. I'm doing a few experiments but the truth is… I think I'm extremely screwed.
I mean… I could… "cope with" or "endure" the depression. Yeah, it was getting worse and worse and worse… but well… uh… I could keep up for a couple years more.
But then developing insomnia? good lord.
That is TOO much… but hey… let's keep trying… let's keep going…
and then… to end up with pssd and benzo withdrawal AT THE SAME TIME?
Nah man I'm sorry… this is a fucking joke. This is just ridiculous. There's a god up there? fuck him. Fuck the universe and fuck absolutely everything around me and fuck life. fuck me also. fuck my sensitive shitty brain. fuck my bad luck.
So that's why I decided… if I don't recover from 3 and 4 this year (pssd and benzo withdrawal), that is… if by January 2025 I'm not back to normal… then sorry man, I really can't keep this up. I will do my final preparations and fucking kill myself.
Depression was painful… yes, but I could endure it. It was extremely hard and frustrating… but there was a little bit of hope and peace.
Insomnia made things harder… much… much harder… but hey, I could… barely… go on.
But then this? pssd? benzo withdrawal?
Everyone has limits. I reached mine. I will do what I can during this year, but I don't expect too much to be honest… life has proven me over and over again how ridiculous all of this is.
Basically I need 2 miracles. That's how complicated the situation is right now.
I will keep you updated every month, I will link back to previous months.
I'm not sure why I'm doing this kind of post/journal… has anyone ever did something like this? huh anyways.
See you on March.
13 months left
Hello again.
Well, I tried a couple things on February… I failed on one, might try again in the future. Tried a different experiment to see if I could lift my broken spirit from pssd… and shit. It didn't work. At all.
That day was so SO dark… and on top of that, one of my pssd symptoms just returned to 0… that means… the improvement I made got lost. I knew it was a risk but… it's so ridiculous because the dose of the thing I took was extremely small… but still… lost all progress on that department.
(this is called a crash, it's sadly very common with pssd. You take a substance or a medication… and then you lose all progress in one or several symptoms)
absurd, I should be angry but… part of me doesn't care anymore. I know that symptom will recover… it will take months. But on the other hand, even if it recovers… doesn't really matter anymore… because I don't have my spirit, my soul. And I also have severe symptoms from benzo withdrawal… so all of this is just a fucking shitshow.
Now the thing is, after trying that experiment, I'm just left with 3 options. that experiment was supposed to be done next year, after losing all hope…
now I'm left with only 3 options.
one is waiting for natural recovery, which… doesn't matter what I do, will still happen or not.
two is another experiment that has the potential to fix everything, only issue is that is SO HARD, and I need money to do it (I will do it though).
three would be… doing something that won't fix anything. but it will give me peace… at least. peace with whatever happens.
and that's what I plan to do in the next months. I will work on that last option. It will make the rest of the things easier.
I'm sorry to be so cryptic, it's just that… nothing makes any sense. What kind of brain ends up dysfunctional like this? it's so absurd.
Today I also comeup with the exact method to… go out of this world. I don't plan to fail… I will execute it perfectly.
What else? I'm tired… tired of everything, of the pain, of being tired… of not being able to have a semi-normal life.
Words can't describe the pain I'm going through… everyday I just repeat in my head "I want to go, I want to go"… because that's what I want… I want to end this pain, and there's no other way.
Oh… by the way. I don't know if it's necessary to say but as you can imagine… my pssd and benzo withdrawal have not improved, not even a single bit. Consider that I have like… 10 different symptoms between those 2 disorders… and I don't register any difference in these symptoms.
So, things look… very grim. Very dark.
This is going to end so bad. I'm sad that I have to leave this world.
(but stay!)
stay? I'm enduring excruciatingly pain without being able to feel better, it's a constant torture. And there's no help available anymore. I don't say because I'm negative. It's the truth.
My depression is treatment resistant. My insomnia is debilitating and unsolvable.
"oh but you can take medications!!"
No, that's the thing, I cannot take medications anymore!
I could… before. but now? I'm totally screwed. Any medication I take has the potential to further damage me. I'm not kidding.
See you in a month.
9 months left
you might be wondering "where the hell are months 12,11,10??".
They don't exists. This will finish earlier. Yes I will still give me myself this full year to recover, but there's no point in waiting 3 months more in 2025 no end this.
The pain and suffering is too much, it's unbearable. I can't take it anymore friends.
I'm already contacting my family and friends and spending time with them, I'm slowly saying my goodbyes (they have no idea of course…)
The last 2 months will be used to write the long letter (why I'm doing this, and so and so) for everyone.
even if I managed to go back to normal… depression just removed everything from my life. and insomnia just adds extreme pain.
I will also be less cryptic.
what happened this month? a couple things…
I'm currently doing 2 meditation techniques. I don't expect… nothing out of them. Still… I know one of them DOES something… but it is very subtle… I already did it in the past and makes some super small difference but never done it enough time. So I'm doing it, for the full year or well… actually 10 months.
and then the other meditation technique which is more cognitive. that could… help… or maybe not. we don't know.
I made some improvements with these two.
regarding the experiment from previous month… it was a lsd microdose. the problem is, with PSSD you cannot play with these things, sadly.
because it sets you back… really really back. one of my symptoms just got to 0. this month went to 5%... good thing is that I will recover it eventually. but still, I'm sad because microdosing was a nice tool in the past… it gave me like 5% relief from depression.
regarding my pssd symptoms… I only have 2 at the moment. well… one of them is like 4 symptoms but intimately connected. surprisingly… this month I made progress on that. I don't know how, or why. In fact I thought I would NEVER recover. the symptom that improved was my… spirit to put in a way. pssd kills your spirit, you are not you anymore. that… is recovering. that's good news… because my suffering reduced like 10%.
But it is still not enough. I could recover totally from pssd. I could recover totally from benzo withdrawal.
not enough. with depression + insomnia… is not enough. I still want to kill myself and with a lot of desire. I want to destroy this brain, this body. I would put a bullet in my head and then fall from a tall building if I could. I don't have a weapon. so hanging it is. I have it 90% planned. I won't fail.
I hate this body and brain so deeply. it is not fair. to be in this world with so much potential… but not being able to do anything, I don't mind being happy, I just want some peace and be at least content… but it is not possible. I suffer A LOT. depression means a huge amount of psychological, physical, spiritual, emotional pain. insomnia? 10x worse.
I'm tired, I want to go out NOW. but… I said I would give me this year… and I'm doing that.
You could tell me "your family! they are going to be so sad" and yes… this thing stopped me, before the medication.
but now? I'm sorry, it is not enough, I can't take it anymore.
anyways…
my benzo withdrawal? no progress. 6 months… and no progress. and my use was super short term (only 2 months) and to end up damaged like this? haha fuck you brain and body, I want to destroy you so bad. I'm going to enjoy a lot killing myself. FUCK LIFE.
ah… another really STRANGE thing that happened this month. something that never never happened in my life.
See… with depression you always feel awful, for no reason. depression is just A LOT of symptoms that don't make any sense… it is the brain working like shit.
when I did microdosing… I felt 5% better. but didn't touch my insomnia… so I ended up on medication.
medication improved me by 15%. then not only stopped working… it sent me way down like 90%. ridiculous.
(I have to really check these numbers… I'm going to do it soon)
So, what happened? this month… on day 26… I woke up and noticed something weird… I didn't pay too much attention but noticed that the feeling just continued there without going away. It was a… maybe 10% reduction in depression?
and it lasted… for 6hs. I noticed it but didn't really pay a lot of attention or got my hopes up because I knew it was just an anomaly…
But… something like that NEVER HAPPENED. on its own? not possible. and I spent 31 years on this world… and I tried so many things.
Never woke up feeling like that. and I hate it. because it only lasted 6hs. and I have no fucking idea how something like that happened. what caused it. I tried repeating the actions from that day and before and couldn't reproduce the state.
it feels like my brain is fucking with me…
but man… I don't know… but it was easily a noticeable improvement in depression. like somehow my brain knew how to work better and then forgot it. fuck. what the hell happened. is it going to happen again? how do I repeat it? how do I keep that state? it wasn't a state of mind, like the ones you can recreate with "thinking". it wasn't something like that… it really felt like I was on a drug or medication… goddamnit.
That's all for this month.
9 months left… starting tomorrow.
I don't care what happens… well… of course I want to live but without depression or insomnia.
I know this suffering will end. Either I kill myself or my depression AND insomnia is gone.
before that "event" I could tell you "it is literally impossible to fix this depression" but now? I don't know man… something happened that day. it could be nothing, just my brain messing with me. or maybe it is a sign that I'm doing something correctly?
God lord.
See you next month.
