nihilism44
trying my best
- May 2, 2021
- 79
I just want to start this off my saying I have not been here long, but I am so grateful for this community. This is much deeper than just a place to talk about our ideation and plans, it feels like a family. I see myself in so many of you. We are all broken people who are failed by society, and this is a place where we can be our authentic selves without judgement. I'm so so thankful to be here. I love you all. I am writing this post for myself to vent and sort out my trauma, but if you are here to listen I am very grateful.
Before I get into details, I want to say that I love my parents. They love me. I have never had to deal with the feeling of neglect or lack of love from my parents. I am grateful for this. I just wish I had parents who knew how to take care of themselves. For this reason, my mother and father never knew how to take care of me. I don't blame them for this, but it has caused me a lot of heartbreak and mental issues.
I have never properly introduced myself on here, but I am a 20 year old female from the US. The first 8 years of my life were great, I was an ignorant, innocent child. My mother was bedridden due to her back issues, opioid dependence, depression, and schizophrenia ever since I can remember. My dad took great care to shield me from all of the negative stuff. All I knew at the time was that my mother was sick, but she always did make sure I knew that she loved me. My dad has always been wonderful to me, but he also has severe depression addiction to pills and alcohol. I was also shielded from this up until this time for the most part.
Around the age of 8 is when things began to crumble. I began to notice the things going on around me. I wondered why my mom and dad never slept in the same bed or shared any sort of affection like my friends parents did. I began to listen to my mom and dad's conversations/arguments. I was also introduced to pornography by a friend at school and I became hyper sexual at an extremely young age. I eventually introduced other kids to porn and sexual ideas, too. I still feel guilty about this even though I didn't understand what I was doing at the time. By the age of 10, I understood my situation a bit better. My parents were getting a divorce, but I was not phased by this at the time. They were never a couple in my eyes, anyways. My dad received full custody of me due to my mom's disabilities. It was around this time that I began self harming and generally acting out. I stopped doing well in school. Before this, I was a "gifted" student. Beginning around this age, I was staying up until 3-5 AM most nights and waking up for school around 7AM. This went on for years. I think this absolutely affected my development and led to some of the issues I have now. My teachers noticed me struggling in school and they even noticed the cuts on my arms, but no one ever did anything. They just thought I was a troubled child. I was doing anything I could to beg for help silently but no one listened. I had my first plan for ctb when I was 12 years old. I never went through with it, but that's when I starting having ideation.
I think my main source of trauma was witnessing my mom's psychosis for the first time after the divorce and every time after. She did not recognize me or anyone, really. She was catatonic in her bed for months and almost died due to dehydration and lack of nutrition. She was hospitalized shortly after. She would then have episodes almost every year after. I was spending my entire childhood looking for signs that she was about to spiral so that I could protect her from herself. I had to take her keys, her pills, and call the police on her on multiple occasions. I have walked in on her convulsing on the floor and foaming at the mouth from dehydration on multiple occasions. More recently, she almost successfully attempted suicide with morphine pills. I will not go into that too much because it is a long story, but it was a traumatizing experience. Although she made my childhood awful, I feel for her. I wish she had a better life.
Living at my dads apartment was better than being around my mom, but he was always extremely depressed. He never cleaned up after himself. Everything was disgusting. There were cigarette ashes and empty beer cans all over the place. He would leave dog piss and shit all over the floors when he got really depressed and could not make himself clean it up. The smell became horrible over the years. He would get belligerently drunk at night (never an angry drunk, just sad). I would hear him crying himself to sleep at night and throwing up in the morning before work. This went on until I moved out when I was 18. I have recently moved back in due to mental health and money issues, so I am struggling with that at the moment. I also wish the best for my dad. It's heartbreaking to see your parents in such horrible shape your entire life.
There's a lot of events that happened in my childhood that I just don't have the energy to cover right now. I guess I just wanted to vent a bit and give you guys an understanding of where I came from. I basically grew up taking care of my parents, I think it affected me a lot. I was spending so much time taking care of them that I never took care of myself. They've never had the emotional capacity to recognize how much their child was suffering because of their own suffering. They still don't understand. I may give a more in depth story in the future. If you read this far, I appreciate you.
Before I get into details, I want to say that I love my parents. They love me. I have never had to deal with the feeling of neglect or lack of love from my parents. I am grateful for this. I just wish I had parents who knew how to take care of themselves. For this reason, my mother and father never knew how to take care of me. I don't blame them for this, but it has caused me a lot of heartbreak and mental issues.
I have never properly introduced myself on here, but I am a 20 year old female from the US. The first 8 years of my life were great, I was an ignorant, innocent child. My mother was bedridden due to her back issues, opioid dependence, depression, and schizophrenia ever since I can remember. My dad took great care to shield me from all of the negative stuff. All I knew at the time was that my mother was sick, but she always did make sure I knew that she loved me. My dad has always been wonderful to me, but he also has severe depression addiction to pills and alcohol. I was also shielded from this up until this time for the most part.
Around the age of 8 is when things began to crumble. I began to notice the things going on around me. I wondered why my mom and dad never slept in the same bed or shared any sort of affection like my friends parents did. I began to listen to my mom and dad's conversations/arguments. I was also introduced to pornography by a friend at school and I became hyper sexual at an extremely young age. I eventually introduced other kids to porn and sexual ideas, too. I still feel guilty about this even though I didn't understand what I was doing at the time. By the age of 10, I understood my situation a bit better. My parents were getting a divorce, but I was not phased by this at the time. They were never a couple in my eyes, anyways. My dad received full custody of me due to my mom's disabilities. It was around this time that I began self harming and generally acting out. I stopped doing well in school. Before this, I was a "gifted" student. Beginning around this age, I was staying up until 3-5 AM most nights and waking up for school around 7AM. This went on for years. I think this absolutely affected my development and led to some of the issues I have now. My teachers noticed me struggling in school and they even noticed the cuts on my arms, but no one ever did anything. They just thought I was a troubled child. I was doing anything I could to beg for help silently but no one listened. I had my first plan for ctb when I was 12 years old. I never went through with it, but that's when I starting having ideation.
I think my main source of trauma was witnessing my mom's psychosis for the first time after the divorce and every time after. She did not recognize me or anyone, really. She was catatonic in her bed for months and almost died due to dehydration and lack of nutrition. She was hospitalized shortly after. She would then have episodes almost every year after. I was spending my entire childhood looking for signs that she was about to spiral so that I could protect her from herself. I had to take her keys, her pills, and call the police on her on multiple occasions. I have walked in on her convulsing on the floor and foaming at the mouth from dehydration on multiple occasions. More recently, she almost successfully attempted suicide with morphine pills. I will not go into that too much because it is a long story, but it was a traumatizing experience. Although she made my childhood awful, I feel for her. I wish she had a better life.
Living at my dads apartment was better than being around my mom, but he was always extremely depressed. He never cleaned up after himself. Everything was disgusting. There were cigarette ashes and empty beer cans all over the place. He would leave dog piss and shit all over the floors when he got really depressed and could not make himself clean it up. The smell became horrible over the years. He would get belligerently drunk at night (never an angry drunk, just sad). I would hear him crying himself to sleep at night and throwing up in the morning before work. This went on until I moved out when I was 18. I have recently moved back in due to mental health and money issues, so I am struggling with that at the moment. I also wish the best for my dad. It's heartbreaking to see your parents in such horrible shape your entire life.
There's a lot of events that happened in my childhood that I just don't have the energy to cover right now. I guess I just wanted to vent a bit and give you guys an understanding of where I came from. I basically grew up taking care of my parents, I think it affected me a lot. I was spending so much time taking care of them that I never took care of myself. They've never had the emotional capacity to recognize how much their child was suffering because of their own suffering. They still don't understand. I may give a more in depth story in the future. If you read this far, I appreciate you.
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