A bit of vent - mother's meltdown

[jxt2024]

Hey all, I've been browsing this forum for while lurking, and I figured I'd vent for little bit here.
There isn't really anything going for me right now- I am a 28 year old who never had a job and has been pretty much NEET for past 5 years. Watching my friends all move on and have a life going while I'm taking no action on my current situation just out of energy all the time made me wonder if there really is point to this all...since childhood really.

As for background, Asian immigrant from formerly affluent family whose family whose entire family is in health care industry, and my mother really enforced that I must be in medical field.
For all my childhood, I've only really known sleep-school-academy/study as I grew up and spent my childhood trying to appease my mother with good grades and she would enforce medical/health career career field as my only option as my major. That added with some physical punishment for my grades slipping would make it fairly unhappy childhood, while it had been plentily supported financially-wise through hours of tutoring and academy mill.

So here I am, where I went through university and is currently $250k+ in debt and through entirety of all, was fairly confident that this career path did not suit me. I have yet to pass my secondary exams due to severe lack of motivation and burnout. My mother has not taken this well, and took this bit farther; Few months ago, She commanded me to kill myself, where she went on 6+hour spiral and gaslighting me about how I must kill myself by the night's end, and she will make sure that I will go before she does to "make it right" or she would take actions herself.

During my mother's meltdown, I figured that since I've been planning to CTB anyways, this would be good opportunity to have an excuse to CTB without me baring any guilt to myself. I did not want my last moment to be being murdered by my mom who had controlled my entire life beforehand, so I planned with limited knowledge on how to quickly CTB before it hit midnight, but with this plan being hasty, I couldn't get over SI.
But before it hit 10o'clock, she demanded me to be let into my room and another twist over here as it turned out she was just gaslighting me during her meltdown and she began to lecture me about how "I seem to have will to live" since I didn't CTB yet while she completely ignored my makeshift noose. She was just teaching me a lesson after all with her meltdown.

With recent outbreak in my mental health with severe insomnia and some anhedonia+anxiety/stress related issues, I've have had hours to contemplate on this matter and have wondered if there really is point to this all. My hobbies that I have enjoyed in reading/video games and others have no longer started to give me any joy, and I have bottomed out on my motivation to continue studying for my secondary exams for my license in medical field I am in. I really don't see the point in life, really, since everything has dulled out. I do realize this is part of my condition I am working to treat, but I've gone through multiple medication regimens without much denting to this anhedonia/suicidal ideation at all.

I know this all sounds incredibly entitled and there are tons of people here with situation incomparable to my own, but I figured I'd share my story here as well.
I figure even if I find motivation and pass my exams, if my mental state continues, I will proceed to CTB somewhere down the line with much more lethal methods, which would cause to be a nuisance to my coworkers, so I am trying to CTB before it gets to that point through alternative methods. I don't want to be selfish on my part by diverting medications and causing a headache. So for now, SN is my preferred method as it isn't illegal and readily available

Thanks for reading my ramble.

 

[SVEN]

Sounds more to me as if it's your Mum who has serious mental health issues ! Not to mention attempting to live her life vicariously through you. What a toxic environment in which to be living and attempting to study.
I truly doubt that you'll be able to take a balanced assessment as to whether you wish to live or die as long as you are situated where you are.
Very best wishes for finding your own pathway to your destiny, without the poisonness input of your controlling mother.

 

[needthebus]

i'm sorry you endured child abuse

there was something called disability discharge allowing people to discharge student loans if they are crazy

i relate to your situation a whole lot

you get diagnosed as having a severe mental health disorder from a psychiatrist, wait 2 years to get the loans discharged, and just live off disability if you can get it. that's an uphill battle though.

they don't have homelessness in finland, but i'm not sure if that's true for immigrants. you could could see if you can go there while trying to get the discharge and apply for ssdi

someone like you would probably be happy just doing something simple, perhaps you could do that one day

it's really unfortunate there isn't a legal status for people who have taken on lots of student loans and are less able than they previously were due to mental health issues, but may not be totally disabled. I bet someone like you would be a great online tutor for different subjects.

Another thing to consider is there's only so much the student loan companies can take from you if you get an average job if you don't own anything (leased room somewhere, leased car, etc).

i'm so sorry you've had to live around your abuser. hitting someone for not getting good grades is abuse, you were the victim of child abuse

you sound nice and wish we were friends irl

 

[jxt2024]

Sounds more to me as if it's your Mum who has serious mental health issues ! Not to mention attempting to live her life vicariously through you. What a toxic environment in which to be living and attempting to study.
I truly doubt that you'll be able to take a balanced assessment as to whether you wish to live or die as long as you are situated where you are.
Very best wishes for finding your own pathway to your destiny, without the poisonness input of your controlling mother.

I am aware of that. She lives through me and sees me more of an investment and her method of winning back approval of her own parents whose family are all in medical field

But it is also my own responsibility it came to this point since I did not have willpower to overcome her control/gaslighting in end of my day. I've seen people with agencies on themselves change majors and take their own path to future. I just sat there idly hoping situation resolves itself.

I figure even if I do move out and continue on my own path while getting career in my field I majored for, I'd CTB using resources from my job, so I am danger to others even if I do continue on this career path, so it would be best to just let it stop here.

i'm sorry you endured child abuse

there was something called disability discharge allowing people to discharge student loans if they are crazy

i relate to your situation a whole lot

you get diagnosed as having a severe mental health disorder from a psychiatrist, wait 2 years to get the loans discharged, and just live off disability if you can get it. that's an uphill battle though.

they don't have homelessness in finland, but i'm not sure if that's true for immigrants. you could could see if you can go there while trying to get the discharge and apply for ssdi

someone like you would probably be happy just doing something simple, perhaps you could do that again one day

it's really unfortunate there isn't a legal status for people who have taken on lots of student loans and are less able than they previously were due to mental health issues, but may not be totally disabled. I bet someone like you would be a great online tutor for different subjects.

Another thing to consider is there's only so much the student loan companies can take from you if you get an average job.

i'm so sorry you've had to live around your abuser. hitting someone for not getting good grades is abuse, you were the victim of child abuse

Thanks for encouragement- and I forgot to mention that I am in US.

You are correct-I've always been aware I've been more happy doing something simple as I've expressed this to others since middle school including my mother, but my choice on this wasn't my own, or at least I thought that way during highschool/university years. Unfortunately, I did not have strength of will to break out on my own and chose to just ride along the wave, even if I knew the career path just wasnt for me- and even more so after rotations.
I've always expressed that I would be happier on my own and don't need much other than 1 room and bed with working internet, but my mother did have grander plan for me in mind, unfortunately.
But this is too much blaming on others and self-pity- agency of my future is my own anyways and I haven't put ounce of effort on changing my situation.

 

[mpk]

I'm sorry you've suffered so much. I similarly have Asian parents and they've had children due to societal expectations with not much desire to provide them any care or guidance. Then they gaslight and control their children with their resources like the home, food, etc, which should be the expectation when you think about having kids. But they treat us like we owe our whole lives to them and need to serve them like kings. I can see why so many people from Asian descent want to become financially independent and escape their household and start their own.

 

[needthebus]

I am aware of that. She lives through me and sees me more of an investment and her method of winning back approval of her own parents whose family are all in medical field

But it is also my own responsibility it came to this point since I did not have willpower to overcome her control/gaslighting in end of my day. I've seen people with agencies on themselves change majors and take their own path to future. I just sat there idly hoping situation resolves itself.

I figure even if I do move out and continue on my own path while getting career in my field I majored for, I'd CTB using resources from my job, so I am danger to others even if I do continue on this career path, so it would be best to just let it stop here.

Thanks for encouragement- and I forgot to mention that I am in US.

You are correct-I've always been aware I've been more happy doing something simple as I've expressed this to others since middle school including my mother, but my choice on this wasn't my own, or at least I thought that way during highschool/university years. Unfortunately, I did not have strength of will to break out on my own and chose to just ride along the wave, even if I knew the career path just wasnt for me- and even more so after rotations.
I've always expressed that I would be happier on my own and don't need much other than 1 room and bed with working internet, but my mother did have grander plan for me in mind, unfortunately.
But this is too much blaming on others and self-pity- agency of my future is my own anyways and I haven't put ounce of effort on changing my situation.

your situation sounds awful, but it also doesn't seem like you've tried other things to see if by changing your life around you could be happy

are you just thinking about ctb or do you think you'll probably do it?

this seems a little premature to me, like you could be happy if things were different and just dying because bad government policy is going to make it hard for you to switch career paths seems a bit extreme and could probably somehow be navigated

you seem smart, just depressed and i'm sure financially needing to be around your abuser isn't helping.

i know it's hard to navigate out of an awful situation when depressed, it's like trying to find the key to open a door, only all the lights are off and you're not even sure if there is a key or a door.

you seem so nice and like possibly someone who hasn't had the opportunity to be happy, without that many complex barriers to changing your situation

i hope you at least try to change your situation before really trying to ctb

 

[jxt2024]

your situation sounds awful, but it also doesn't seem like you've tried other things to see if by changing your life around you could be happy

are you just thinking about ctb or do you think you'll probably do it?

this seems a little premature to me, like you could be happy if things were different and just dying because bad government policy is going to make it hard for you to switch career paths seems a bit extreme and could probably somehow be navigated

you seem smart, just depressed and i'm sure financially needing to be around your abuser isn't helping.

i know it's hard to navigate out of an awful situation when depressed, it's like trying to find the key to open a door, only all the lights are off and you're not even sure if there is a key or a door.

you seem so nice and like possibly someone who hasn't had the opportunity to be happy, without that many complex barriers to changing your situation

i hope you at least try to change your situation before really trying to ctb

I appreciate your concerns and it does seem like to many i am giving up too early but it even isn't all that. While I've been having suicidal ideation all my life, the main driver of current of mental state is actually the severe anhedonia cycle I've been in for past year or so. It really does suck you out. It isn't even the mother's meltdown at this point, although that has lessened pressure of guilt (of potential ctb) a lot.

I've been cooperating and adherent to my psychiatrists his regimen but I find myself in bit of null mentally.

I've tried reading my own blog of thoughts/assessment I kept on Google docs separately and it does come across like that but I am just both burned out and cannot enjoy anything I used to.

 

[astr4]

i also have an abusive asian mom lmao ik its not all asian moms but damn why are so many of them just… shit.. lmao

anyways hope you realize the problem isn't you, it's with your mom. but it's not fair that it's your responsibility to fix everything in your life she ruined. like i have no social skills because of my mom telling me all my friends hate me, but now it's my job to gaslight myself until i fix it?

anyways fuck abusive parents man, you deserved better, i always imagine the people we could have been if we just had patient parents who loved us unconditionally… so sad. they pretty much broke my brain and ruined any chance of me finding happiness.

 

[deathproof17]

Your mom sounds a sociopath.

 

[jxt2024]

i also have an abusive asian mom lmao ik its not all asian moms but damn why are so many of them just… shit.. lmao

anyways hope you realize the problem isn't you, it's with your mom. but it's not fair that it's your responsibility to fix everything in your life she ruined. like i have no social skills because of my mom telling me all my friends hate me, but now it's my job to gaslight myself until i fix it?

anyways fuck abusive parents man, you deserved better, i always imagine the people we could have been if we just had patient parents who loved us unconditionally… so sad. they pretty much broke my brain and ruined any chance of me finding happiness.

Oh yeah, I've had those too. I realize her goals were to try to make me somehow competitive and go guns out trying to prove others wrong, but I've taken it as a kid back then that everyone just hated me.

Such simple thing and really silly to think back on but that's how kids brain worked-believing it unconditionally. Didn't help with my anxiety though for sure!

 

[needthebus]

I appreciate your concerns and it does seem like to many i am giving up too early but it even isn't all that. While I've been having suicidal ideation all my life, the main driver of current of mental state is actually the severe anhedonia cycle I've been in for past year or so. It really does suck you out. It isn't even the mother's meltdown at this point, although that has lessened pressure of guilt (of potential ctb) a lot.

I've been cooperating and adherent to my psychiatrists his regimen but I find myself in bit of null mentally.

I've tried reading my own blog of thoughts/assessment I kept on Google docs separately and it does come across like that but I am just both burned out and cannot enjoy anything I used to.

ketamine?

 

[jxt2024]

ketamine?

uh no, that certainly hasn't been part of my regimen at all lol

 

[EvisceratedJester]

If I could smack your mother in her face I would. What kind of piece of shit spends 6+ hours attempting to gaslight their child into killing themself? The thing that annoys me the most is that you know that when you do eventually ctb that she will play the victim and pretend to be all shocked that you would do that to yourself.

 

[needthebus]

ketamine = fast relief for treatment resistant depression

you sound cool, your life may not be that bad and it's possible you have resistant depression.

ketamine is real, search about it.

uh no, that certainly hasn't been part of my regimen at all lol

 

[jxt2024]

If I could smack your mother in her face I would. What kind of piece of shit spends 6+ hours attempting to gaslight their child into killing themself? The thing that annoys me the most is that you know that when you do eventually ctb that she will play the victim and pretend to be all shocked that you would do that to yourself.

Seemed more of red mist/rage thing but it went on for 7-8hours long one so I'm not so sure what to take of it
Extremely long moment of madness?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Seemed more of red mist/rage thing but it went on for 7-8hours long one so I'm not so sure what to take of it
Extremely long moment of madness?

I don't think it being a rage thing excuses anything though. Plenty of people go into a range and they would never do that to others, especially their own children. They instead direct their anger somewhere else. She is an adult and she should know better. She should have never done that to you.

 

[permanently tired]

Hi op, I just wanted to let you know if you want to talk I'm available. Your situation reminds me a lot of my own. I'm also from an asian family and I've gone to numerous tutoring centers and shit growing up. Simply put, it was miserable. When I was applying to college, I took felt I didn't have much of a choice. My mother/sister "suggested" majors and careers which I didn't feel I could object too. They claim I never said no, but I won't bore you with semantics.

I'll try to keep this part short. I dropped out after my first semester and I've basically been a neet for the majority of this year. I've been trying to do something, but like you I lack any energy. When I'm not sleeping, I usually just doomscroll and stay home cuz I'm too tired to do anything. I assume there are things you think you could do and would be content with, but can't seem to get started or become depleted quickly. I ask myself what choice is there but oblivion for someone who doesn't desire anything. Anhedonia is awful.

Bye for now