Life_and_Death
Do what's best for you 🕯️ I'm............
- Jul 1, 2020
- 7,031
could probably go under suicide discussion since its leaning towards that but im cool with just making it a rant.
where the hell do i start?
my friend, lets start there. so i showed him that thread (thread) and i told him how everything feels like im suppose to. and one of the things i said was "and im just suppose to take meds forever" and he said yes. im suppose to take meds until the day i die, can one not see how that would make someone want that day to come sooner, who the fuck wants to be on meds their whole life. especially for the things i need them for. you want to give me a heart pill or something ok fine but nope not me "here take your meds so you dont go insane" the options are to be ok on a drugged level vs insanity, it might seem like one options better than the other but its not. its kind of demeaning, belittling. like the only way i can be with/interact with humans is if im on drugs. then why the fuck bother with interacting with humans. and the more personal level answer "well you wont be insane anymore" but this is me......why does ok have to always be what is right? am i happy being insane? of fucking course not, but maybe thats just it, because even being happy.....isnt a possibility for me.
which actually goes nicely into the next thing i want to vent about.
i want so much to call myself a worthless piece of shit, but i just tell myself that im different, however this doesnt change the outcome. someone with attention problems shouldnt get married. i want to say more on the subject but the more i think about it the sicker i feel (or maybe thats hunger, probably both) i mean, i love him and i want to be married but.....idk. i have too many problems for anything to work out. and i want to talk to him about it but i dont know how or anything and what if it becomes a controlling situation like before where i wasnt allowed to talk to anyone but i dont think he would "let me" just break up with him and i mean hes not completely wrong, hed deserve an explanation, but i just cant do that. thinking about it is sending me into a fit of stress and making me want to cry.
where the hell do i start?
my friend, lets start there. so i showed him that thread (thread) and i told him how everything feels like im suppose to. and one of the things i said was "and im just suppose to take meds forever" and he said yes. im suppose to take meds until the day i die, can one not see how that would make someone want that day to come sooner, who the fuck wants to be on meds their whole life. especially for the things i need them for. you want to give me a heart pill or something ok fine but nope not me "here take your meds so you dont go insane" the options are to be ok on a drugged level vs insanity, it might seem like one options better than the other but its not. its kind of demeaning, belittling. like the only way i can be with/interact with humans is if im on drugs. then why the fuck bother with interacting with humans. and the more personal level answer "well you wont be insane anymore" but this is me......why does ok have to always be what is right? am i happy being insane? of fucking course not, but maybe thats just it, because even being happy.....isnt a possibility for me.
which actually goes nicely into the next thing i want to vent about.
i want so much to call myself a worthless piece of shit, but i just tell myself that im different, however this doesnt change the outcome. someone with attention problems shouldnt get married. i want to say more on the subject but the more i think about it the sicker i feel (or maybe thats hunger, probably both) i mean, i love him and i want to be married but.....idk. i have too many problems for anything to work out. and i want to talk to him about it but i dont know how or anything and what if it becomes a controlling situation like before where i wasnt allowed to talk to anyone but i dont think he would "let me" just break up with him and i mean hes not completely wrong, hed deserve an explanation, but i just cant do that. thinking about it is sending me into a fit of stress and making me want to cry.
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