Warlord's Pulse
Time to end this endless war
- May 27, 2024
- 201
Hi, this is my second thread here. I wrote my first one more than a month ago, saying I would try to seek redemption. One of the main points of my "Odyssey" was about writing a journal. Well, I used a old, commom notebook to write and it took 40 days to complete it (I started May 21th and finished Jun 30th, not skipping a single day). For anyone that want to check my first thread: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-dont-think-this-is-about-depression.166511/
Anyway, it really was a good experience, one of the best of my life actually (I'm not overreacting). When I started the journal, I had a really bad sleep schedule, bad overall hygiene, bad diet, bad work ethic, was sedentary and cried every night. Now I'm in a constant, sleeping really well, improved my hygiene a lot, structured a good work routine, eating better, seeked help, did some exercises and will soon enough go back to the gym, and will make appointments with doctors to do check ups etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm still suicidal, my existential quandary is really strong, but well, better to be a suicidal with a good "practical life" than not, I guess. For now, I will focus about what I can do and have information and "know-how" to deal with
Besides that, I forced myself to attend some "social events" with friends. Some of them even joked about, saying "Wow, you got off your room two times already! A record for a month!". In one of these events, I finally said "I love you". I was drunk, really drunk, but I said, I meant what I said and I remember everything. My friends really like me and I need to value that more
I learned a lot about myself. I had some wrong assumptions or "hopes". I intend to continue journaling, but for now I'll give myself a time, want to do a "summary" about this first journal, the main topics, what I need to continue to do, what I still need to improve, what is important or not etc. During this ~40 days period I had some relapses of course, some of them really demotivating, like failing the entire day, giving up to the "chimp brain" (some of you may know about the "Chimp Paradox") and still viewing me as a utterly failure, but even so I would always report my journal, and do my best to be unbiased about my day and write as thorough as possible. The days really started to feel loooong
Anyway, it really was a good experience, one of the best of my life actually (I'm not overreacting). When I started the journal, I had a really bad sleep schedule, bad overall hygiene, bad diet, bad work ethic, was sedentary and cried every night. Now I'm in a constant, sleeping really well, improved my hygiene a lot, structured a good work routine, eating better, seeked help, did some exercises and will soon enough go back to the gym, and will make appointments with doctors to do check ups etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm still suicidal, my existential quandary is really strong, but well, better to be a suicidal with a good "practical life" than not, I guess. For now, I will focus about what I can do and have information and "know-how" to deal with
Besides that, I forced myself to attend some "social events" with friends. Some of them even joked about, saying "Wow, you got off your room two times already! A record for a month!". In one of these events, I finally said "I love you". I was drunk, really drunk, but I said, I meant what I said and I remember everything. My friends really like me and I need to value that more
I learned a lot about myself. I had some wrong assumptions or "hopes". I intend to continue journaling, but for now I'll give myself a time, want to do a "summary" about this first journal, the main topics, what I need to continue to do, what I still need to improve, what is important or not etc. During this ~40 days period I had some relapses of course, some of them really demotivating, like failing the entire day, giving up to the "chimp brain" (some of you may know about the "Chimp Paradox") and still viewing me as a utterly failure, but even so I would always report my journal, and do my best to be unbiased about my day and write as thorough as possible. The days really started to feel loooong
