A messy suicide

[anurgetowardlove]

I've spent a lot of time looking at methods and their results. The main issue with guns is just how much of your face it's going to blow off. I knew someone who attempted suicide and failed, and he was left with more or less a flap of skin for a bottom jaw. Even browsing places like goregrish or watchpeopledie makes me curl my lip at how much we're all just sacks of meat waiting to explode at the slightest provocation. And by explode, I mean adipose tissue all yellow and gleaming, shiny reddish pink bits of brain and skull blasted over the walls, and a face that looks like a cheap halloween mask for how deflated and hanging it is after the important parts have been shot off.

Now, if I lived alone, this wouldn't be an issue. I couldn't really give any less of a fuck about what the police or paramedics think. They will crack jokes and it will have little discernible emotional impact (this I know from those that work in those fields), and that's fine and dandy. The last time I asked a cop to shoot me, he laughed and said I was incredibly selfish. I've recently learned that if you pull their gun they will shoot you, so if I am trapped in that situation a second time, then I guess we know what's going to go down. Getting back to the subject at hand, it's not the hired help I'm concerned about.

I live with a housemate. He's in the back in a separate building away from the main house. He's gone for work a lot, so the likelihood of getting caught mid-attempt during the day is rather low. We live in the middle of nowhere and guns going off here is pretty normal. Mainly, he's kind of just an asshole. He used to be in love with me and I turned him down, so his behavior is bitter and resentful when he's not pretending like we're still friends. I know for him, walking in on a suicide, mine or not, would be something he would brag to others about. And while I don't give a shit if he tells all his friends that I blew my fucking head off and it looked gross, my mom is probably going to end up coming from a few states away to claim my body. My dad still lives here in the same town as me, and frankly, him seeing my brains everywhere would be fantastic, but my mom is just caught in the middle. I know she wouldn't be able to handle it. And I don't want her to die because I did. I also don't want my idiot housemate blathering to her about how my eyeballs were halfway across the room or how after some poor bastard cleaned it up, there were still bits of skull left behind (yes, he lacks tact to that degree).

Honestly, aesthetically, death by gun is grisly. I've considered shooting myself in the chest, but I also know someone who lived through that as well, so I'd need to shoot myself just right, and use a higher caliber gun. At least that way I could still have a face for my mother. The house I'm renting also belongs to other family members who have helped me out quite a bit and I also am worried about leaving a mess for them. I know they want to sell this house when I move out, and I'm sure a messy suicide isn't going to help much. I've been thinking I may just do it in my car so that it can all be contained in one area and I can drive out to the forest so that I don't have to worry about my housemate. I know some poor asshole will probably find me, but with my tinted windows and the doors locked, maybe they won't be able to see too much.

I'm still considering hanging. There's an extension cord I have looped into the rafters for a rainy day. My housemate is too dumb to know what it's for since it doesn't have a noose tied in it yet (he comes in the house to shower and cook). I tied a really quick one the other day and it wasn't so bad. If I step off the chair I have to stand on my tiptoes. I'm worried that the ceiling won't be able to take a drop. There's a lot of shit in the attic, all of which is right over the garage, and parts of the ceiling are bowed a little. The last thing I need is a bunch of bullshit falling down on my head mid suicide attempt, since this house is old.

I've been planning for awhile, but I'm still struggling with choosing a method. My entire life has been misery and suffering, and although I would prefer that this one thing in my life be painless, I don't think I'm going to be that lucky. I don't have any money to order anything, so my options are limited. Even getting another gun is going to be a problem (I have solutions, but it will take time). I could also slit my wrists. Just get really drunk and go for it. I've cut myself enough in my life to know it won't be as agonizing as I'm imagining. It all just sucks because nothing is ever full proof, there's no way to gently slip away for me. It's going to have to be done with conviction, and I have so little of that anymore. It comes though, here and there. There have been multiple times where I could have done it in the last month if I had a gun, because it would have only taken seconds to squeeze the trigger. I think that's going to be my best option, despite my reservations.

My biggest fear is lying there, knowing what's happening, having to deal with half my face blasted off, or hanging and having to choke and struggle for awhile before my shitty body gives up. I am terrified they will find me and try to revive me, so I can live some half life that's far worse than it is now.

I've gone through enough. I just want to die, but to the rest of the world that's unconscionable apparently.

 

[Midnight]

Forgive me for just replying to the face-off part. Why is a large caliber gun/rifle needed? If you aim for the right part surely any small caliber handgun would do. This way you won't blow half your head off. I think mostly it's done with gun in mouth and aiming slightly up to the back of your skull. You'd have to be using serious firepower in a incorrect angle to blow your face off. I know this has happened quite a few times but good research as to what caliber and the placement/angle can easily prevent such disaster. There have been threads and posts here regarding the subject .. best to learn as much as you can about where/how.

It's nice of you to consider making the impact on others as low as possible. Not everyone feels this way.

 

[anurgetowardlove]

Forgive me for just replying to the face-off part. Why is a large caliber gun/rifle needed? If you aim for the right part surely any small caliber handgun would do. This way you won't blow half your head off. I think mostly it's done with gun in mouth and aiming slightly up to the back of your skull. You'd have to be using serious firepower in a incorrect angle to blow your face off. I know this has happened quite a few times but good research as to what caliber and the placement/angle can easily prevent such disaster. There have been threads and posts here regarding the subject .. best to learn as much as you can about where/how.

It's nice of you to consider making the impact on others as low as possible. Not everyone feels this way.

It's mainly the "I don't to be alive for minutes afterward" part. I've shot animals with low caliber rounds (both hunting as a fucked up teen and farm animals) in the head. It is not a quick, painless death. There's a lot of thrashing about, even if the shot was decent. Of course I'd be going point-blank range for me which might help. And I've seen videos of people getting shot in the head with smaller calibers. Ugh. One in particular stands out, where this guy was just laying on the pavement looking around while blood gushed from his skull. You could see bits of brain on the ground. I'd probably shoot myself through the mouth and try to hit the brainstem if I went with something small, or even larger, for that matter. I have a .357 that I could possibly get back, and that would probably be my best bet, but it misfires a lot, which is a pain in the ass. Mostly, I seriously just don't want to lay there thinking "dear god, what the fuck have I done" while some poor asswipe tries to save my worthless life that I don't even want, when I've clearly fucked it up even more than it already was. It's almost an irrational fear if done right, I realize, but it has been one of the main reasons I've been so conflicted about a method. I fuck up everything else, and I don't want to fuck up this.

That's why I'm thinking doing it in the car so it wouldn't even matter. It will all be "contained". I'd be fine walking in on a suicide, but I know most people wouldn't. I've had enough of people fucking up my life, and I don't want to do that to someone else.