Story A new lover

[houseofleaves]

I've found myself a new lover. We met once — as strangers — and after that we talked on the phone and that was when i suggested dating. Am i that desperate now? Seems like i am.
He doesn't even like me, he just doesn't mind that i like him. Can that make a person happy, content, does that help find fullfilment?

He just left my flat.

I've kissed him. I've kissed him everywhere.

He has no libido because of antidepressants. We were just lying together and kissing, nothing more — and with every minute despair grew within me. He'll never love me, he'll just keep tolerating my actions; but when we kiss and when — if — he smiles, i feel like the happiest person in the world… If i only could make him smile more. If he could feel anything. He's so indifferent.

When i ask "Why are we dating", he says "Because you have fun and i don't mind; i don't really care, soon we will be over" — and that will be the answer for… probably the rest of my life (i'm planning to CTB in a year); what i'd like to hear is, of course, something like "Because i feel like you're the right person for me; i like you, i really like you, you're so beautiful" — but only late @CloseFriendofCamus or my incorporeal husband could say that… and from an Earthling these words i will never hear again.

I would like him to kiss me first, to hug me tight, caress me like i caress him and stroke me gently… That won't happen. In the deepest deep inside me i hear scraping metal, red rust on the chains. Indifference; that's all i have now. Indifference; that's what remains.

 

[summers]

Damn, you need to read some of my discord and telegram conversations...

 

[houseofleaves]

Damn, you need to read some of my discord and telegram conversations...

why? what happens there? 0_O

 

[summers]

why? what happens there? 0_O

We talk about a lot more than just kissing and holding one another. Sometimes it leads to meeting in person too.

 

[Rapière]

Maybe it's just me, but this sounds kinda wholesome. He'll probably wear you down after a while, but you don't seem to have much too lose.

 

[Cathy Ames]

He doesn't even like me, he just doesn't mind that i like him. Can that make a person happy, content, does that help find fullfilment?

Based on the rest of what you wrote, I don't think so. I'm sorry.

 

[Un-]

What I find terrifying is how I'm only a few steps away from becoming someone like you. I won't sugar coat it. The situation you're in sounds horrible - you, yourself, sound so broken that you're willing to love someone who won't even love you back. I don't blame you at all; as I said, I'm not far behind, depending on the choices I make. I don't want to give advice. I'm a fucking moron. I will say, though, that I think.. Comparing two of my fates, I think.. I think I'd rather be alone. I think relationships are similar to life. Yeah, life has some cool stuff in it, but is it worth living if, deep down, you don't enjoy it? If there's a timer above your head, tracking the time left before something horrible happens to you.. Tracking the time before the cool things in life eventually die? It's logical, probably, to say that it isn't worth it.. But it's hard. It's hard letting go of something like that.. Of the idea that you're just simply unlovable. It hurts to think about.. Sigh. I don't even know why I typed this out. I'm gonna post it still, in case it helps, but I'm sorry if it doesn't..

 

[houseofleaves]

Maybe it's just me, but this sounds kinda wholesome. He'll probably wear you down after a while, but you don't seem to have much too lose.

Absolutely. You're right, i think.

What I find terrifying is how I'm only a few steps away from becoming someone like you. I won't sugar coat it. The situation you're in sounds horrible - you, yourself, sound so broken that you're willing to love someone who won't even love you back.

And yes, you're right too. Like yeah. The situation is pretty much fucked.

I don't blame you at all; as I said, I'm not far behind, depending on the choices I make. I don't want to give advice. I'm a fucking moron.

you're clearly not a moron

I will say, though, that I think.. Comparing two of my fates, I think.. I think I'd rather be alone. I think relationships are similar to life. Yeah, life has some cool stuff in it, but is it worth living if, deep down, you don't enjoy it? If there's a timer above your head, tracking the time left before something horrible happens to you.. Tracking the time before the cool things in life eventually die? It's logical, probably, to say that it isn't worth it.. But it's hard. It's hard letting go of something like that.. Of the idea that you're just simply unlovable. It hurts to think about..

Yes. I look so ugly… and yet i hope to find someone again and again. I've even found my perfect someone, lol. He CTBed. Ah lucky me.

Sigh. I don't even know why I typed this out. I'm gonna post it still, in case it helps, but I'm sorry if it doesn't..

it helps, like really — i feel understood

 

[Un-]

@houseofleaves I think you'd enjoy this song:


I hope.. That in the end, you find peace, friend.

 

[houseofleaves]

@houseofleaves I think you'd enjoy this song.

I hope.. That in the end, you find peace, friend.

Thank you so much. The song is magnificent and i really liked it. And i hope you'll find peace, too.

 

[Sibyl Vane]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a terrible thing to eager for love, tenderness, and affection and be met with indifference.

Have you ever tried to communicate your wishes of reciprocity to him? It's possible that a change in medication or dosage could help him regain a little bit of his libido and feelings?

Unfortunately, I don't believe you can find happiness or fulfillment in an empty vessel.

 

[houseofleaves]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a terrible thing to eager for love, tenderness, and affection and be met with indifference.

Well, yes, but it's better than hate or disdain.

Have you ever tried to communicate your wishes of reciprocity to him? It's possible that a change in medication or dosage could help him regain a little bit of his libido and feelings?

Well, i… It would be naive to communicate my wishes, since he openly stated "It's a very low possibility for me to start liking what's happening". Yeah, in a month he will be off medication, i hope it will get better.

Unfortunately, I don't believe you can find happiness or fulfillment in an empty vessel.

Absolutely, yeah, that's what i tell myself — but then we kiss, and all this goes away. I'm generally ugly, and no one wants to kiss me. This is what i can get. This is what i deserve. This is it.

 

[Rapière]

Absolutely, yeah, that's what i tell myself — but then we kiss, and all this goes away. I'm generally ugly, and no one wants to kiss me. This is what i can get. This is what i deserve. This is it.

If I had no libido, I would be utterly disgusted by the idea of exchanging bodily fluids with anyone, especially an ugly chick (no offense). The fact that he doesn't mind doing that with you, must mean something, right?

 

[houseofleaves]

If I had no libido, I would be utterly disgusted by the idea of exchanging bodily fluids with anyone, especially an ugly chick (no offense). The fact that he doesn't mind doing that with you, must mean something, right?

Well, i'm not that hideous. Just, well, plain average and a bit fat. And, um… I prefer to listen to what he says (and he never said he likes me), you know, i think it's better than guessing based on my observations.

 

[come to dust]

You're female right? Have you tried tinder? Every woman I've seen use tinder gets 100s of likes in minutes. At least one of those men will want to romance you.

 

[houseofleaves]

You're female right? Have you tried tinder? Every woman I've seen use tinder gets 100s of likes in minutes. At least one of those men will want to romance you.

Nah. I'm a man in a female body. Nobody really gets it in Russia) and, well, Tinder sucks for me, like seriously(

 

[come to dust]

Nah. I'm a man in a female body. Nobody really gets it in Russia) and, well, Tinder sucks for me, like seriously(

So a trans man? I'm so sorry you can't get sex reassignment surgery there, but I hope you manage to get it somehow. Some people like myself would happily date a trans man.

 

[houseofleaves]

So a trans man? I'm so sorry you can't get sex reassignment surgery there

i can)) but i'm not sure if i should, it's too expensive

 

[Rapière]

Well, i'm not that hideous. Just, well, plain average and a bit fat.

Just to be clear, I didn't call you ugly, you did. I have no clue what you look like so that wouldn't even make sense.

 

[houseofleaves]

Just to be clear, I didn't call you ugly, you did. I have no clue what you look like so that wouldn't even make sense.

Yeye, no problem, pal.

 

[S like Siren]

I think you are beautiful and you desearve better :*

 

[houseofleaves]

I think you are beautiful and you desearve better :*

thank you, kind human