Venting A normal life just isn’t for me

[sximii]

Since meds, I am able to return to school, take care of myself, life a normal life, talk and leave the house and socialise. I haven't been recovered in hospital for over a year. And yes I'm greatful for this but fuck it can be so exhausting. Autism and Bpd make it so debilitating sometimes. Why is relationships so hard? Just interacting? Tiniest things make me emotionally break down. Everything is too much, I can't even control my own fucking feelings. I can't control it, I often hate myself, and everything about myself. In the times I feel good this feeling is so fragile and the smallest stupidest shit destroys me. And it destroys my relationships with interactions. It's impossible to tell what people think or feel, I fucking hate being autistic. I don't know how to interpret people. Tiny stimuli are just so much for me, like clapping sounds like a gunshot right next to my ear. And it's always unpredictable, I never know when I feel terrible when I feel better. I'm never secure. I really can't describe it well but anyone with Bpd and/or autism understand what I'm talking about. It's fucking terrible. The worst part is that it's chronic, so what's the point of getting help if this is how I am forever and I can't avoid it. Feels sometimes like being a member of society isn't for me. Sometimes I feel I'd rather want to just keep returning to hospitals, be followed to every room I go, stay at home all the time, fall into episodes of catatonia. That really sucks, I hated it, but it seems like that's just more suited to me. I don't fucking know what I want. I can't put it in words fully. I just want a fucking rest