Help A person is trying to "save" me, but doesn't seem to actually care at all if I die. What do you think is going on here?

[Cinnamorolls]

I have a very confusing predicament going on. I'm someone who does not have any family, friends, or partner and thus no one to care if I was dead. I have been coming closer to CTB this year than any other, being very much at the end of the rope and ready to go. However, I recently became somewhat close with someone who claims to care about me a lot, has expressed distress at the thought of me killing myself, and even cried when we have talked about it. He will say things like "I care about you, please don't do that to me" while sobbing. He says he would be "devastated" if I died and that it would "ruin his life."

However, this person at the same time:

- Does not talk to me unless I talk to him first. Same with requesting to see him in-person. We talk/see each other infrequently, inconsistently, and in a very limited capacity.
- There is no kindness or warmth in our interactions - it's cold and distant, like there's a wall between us.
- Treats me like a burden any time I want to talk or see him.
- Does not prioritize talking to/seeing me. Too busy with his social life (same people, same activities, multiple days a week, every week). Claims "everyone" would prioritize social activities over a deeply at-risk person going through a crisis.
- Does not want me to stay in his life in any manner. Not romantically, not platonically, nothing. He says he just wants me to get better and then go separate ways/never talk again.
- Repeatedly reminds me that he wants me to leave/go away/end interactions with him and that he hopes it won't be much longer until that happens.

Despite all that, he's constantly claiming he cares about me, does not want me to die, and wants to help me. I have never had anyone care about me or offer to help me get better before, so I don't know what it's like, but this all seems wrong to me? If someone would be "devastated" by my death, shouldn't that mean I'm a valuable part of their life that they want to keep around, because they enjoy my existence? What's the difference of me being dead vs not talking to them ever again which is apparently what they want? It's the same outcome!

Am I crazy, guys? Or being unreasonable here? In my view, if someone truly cares about you and wants to save you, they would at minimum:

- Reach out to check on you often, even just through text. Want to talk/see you at least a couple times a week to make sure you're not going through everything alone and spiraling.
- Prioritize supporting you and getting you stabilized over their very frequent social activities (not sacrificing ALL of it, obviously - boundaries are important - but willing to sacrifice a little bit of it instead of pushing you to the sidelines while not giving a shit how much you're suffering every additional day/week they make you wait around).
- Show that they care by saying they'll be there for you, they're not going anywhere, and that they value/enjoy having you around. Wanting you to stay in their life because you're important to them.

Any theories on wtf is going on in this person's mind? I've always told myself I'd be willing to stay alive if I just had someone who cared, so I've been clinging to life because of this individual, believing there must be some meaning to our meeting and his timely intervention in my plans to kill myself... but why am I doing that for someone who just wants me to go away regardless? How do these words/actions make ANY sense?

 

[flightless bird]

he might care about your well-being but may not want a close relationship. it's very much possible.

 

[usernamesarehard]

Yeah, I don't get why men do this. My ex acted similar, although I didn't tell him I was ctb soon. One minute he's acting like he loves me and the next he's cold and distant. Although alcohol was involved when he acted in love, so that might play a role.

Anyway, it's pretty much impossible to know why he does what he does.

He could just be following the societal script and saying he cares so you don't ctb and he can feel like he 'saved' you, so he doesn't care one way or the other.

he might care about your well-being but may not want a close relationship. it's very much possible.

Could be this.

It could be that he DOES care but tries to keep distance so he doesn't get too attached so when you DO ctb, he doesn't feel as bad.

It could be that he actually doesn't care. That he never cared. He hung out with you out of pity and now you're reaching out for more and he can't deal with that.

Also I don't want to hurt your feelings or sound like a dick, but the problem could also be you.

Any theories on wtf is going on in this person's mind? I've always told myself I'd be willing to stay alive if I just had someone who cared, so I've been clinging to life because of this individual, believing there must be some meaning to our meeting and his timely intervention in my plans to kill myself... but why am I doing that for someone who just wants me to go away regardless? How do these words/actions make ANY sense?

-Most normal people don't want to talk about suicide too often. It makes them uncomfortable at best and bad at worst.
-If you're making him your only reason for living, and he knows that, it could be putting a lot of pressure on him.
-Finally you mentioned he also has no romantic intention. Maybe he assumes you do, so he does care, but you're too intense and he feels he needs to set some kind of boundary to make sure the relationship you have with him is clear.

Or like I said, he could just be a dick who doesn't care, but doesn't want your death on his conscience, so he puts up with you as much as he can, but doesn't put in any effort.

It's pretty much impossible to know without asking him.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

I think it's more of a "I tried to talk them out of it" situation, trying to make it look like they were trying to be a hero or savior.

People might stick with you when they know of your suicidal tendencies, although the thoughts of you pulling it off scares them, which can lead to their withdrawal from you.
.
In this case, it's possible he doesn't know what to say to persuade you into getting better. Suicide is one of the hardest things to talk about, because they don't understand how our minds function from one day to the next.

If this was my situation, I would avoid that person, no phone call or text, to see if they call or text after a few days of not hearing from me. That would answer my question.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

he might care about your well-being but may not want a close relationship. it's very much possible.

Could you expound on this? I don't get it. If you want someone to not exist in your life anyway, why care so much whether they live or die? It won't make a difference either way?

It could be that he actually doesn't care. That he never cared. He hung out with you out of pity and now you're reaching out for more and he can't deal with that.

Also I don't want to hurt your feelings or sound like a dick, but the problem could also be you.

Or like I said, he could just be a dick who doesn't care, but doesn't want your death on his conscience, so he puts up with you as much as he can, but doesn't put in any effort.

This does seem like the most likely option, as sad as it makes me. Someone saying they care doesn't mean they actually mean it, of course... but the crying is the thing that throws me off. It doesn't seem forced or fake. By saying the problem could be me, do you mean I expect too much out of someone offering to help? What is a reasonable amount of help to expect?

I think it's more of a "I tried to talk them out of it" situation, trying to make it look like they were trying to be a hero or savior.

People might stick with you when they know of your suicidal tendencies, although the thoughts of you pulling it off scares them, which can lead to their withdrawal from you.

I could see that. Saying "I tried everything I could to help her" even though he doesn't do anything without me reaching out to him first. He'd get the credit without any actions or sacrifices. In the case of your second thought, do you think there's some way to assuage that worry so that the person doesn't withdraw? It almost seems counterproductive for them to think like that, as abandoning a suicidal person would almost assuredly make them even more suicidal.

 

[Worndown]

Is he on the spectrum? Your description fits it pretty close.
He might care.
He might also have enough obstacles between him and normal interactions they are impossible.

 

[StupidCat]

Why would you want to live for someone else but yourself?
People care mostly about themselves. Human relationships are complicated so your life depending on it don't guarantee a good outcome. Maybe you want someone to 'save' you, but no one can really do that. They might 'help' to find your own way out it but ultimately it is you who has the power to decide.

 

[snooperdooper]

Unfortunately the people best equipped to help us through depression are often the ones struggling with it themselves. He says that he wants to help, and was distressed at the thought of you CTB, and maybe those two things are true, but it is likely that he lacks the knowledge of how encapsulating depression really is to actually help you. Your depression disappears for him the moment you stop talking and he forgets about you, but for you, it is a constant weight on your life. He simply does not know. Either that, or he has weighed the cost of losing you and the cost of losing his social life to save you, and has decided his social life is more important.

But don't take what I say too seriously. All of us here only got a glimpse of your relationship, and it is up to you to decide who he is and how much you can rely on him.

 

[endlessmelancholy]

People generally don't want others to die. Maybe he just cares that you are a lady in distress and doesn't want anything bad happen to you on a basic moral point of view. Maybe you telling about ctb is making him uncomfortable. I had a close friend who blocked me when I told her that I'm suicidal. I would say outsiders would not understand how we feel. But people in ss get it. I'm also open and willing to support you.

 

[tryme]

he has bipolar disorder, borderline personality, or is a psychopath

 

[Forever Sleep]

I suspect, given the choice- most people wouldn't want to experience someone they know taking their own life. They may not necessarily feel they have the strength or want to really support them though- sadly. I suppose it's not so disimiliar to when people say they love animals but, continue to eat meat. I suspect none of us like the idea of people starving but- what do we do personally to stop it? We can care that something bad is happening but, not quite enough to put ourselves out to help.

He comes across as someone who's saying: I want you to be ok in life but, without me. Without the need for him supporting you. I've had people effectively say they can't be the support I needed. It sort of hurt but then, I had to also acknowledge that it was reasonable and I was hoping for too much from them.

It's more tricky when they still insist we stay alive but then, I haven't revealed that much to people who either don't feel the same or, aren't pro-choice. Pro-life type people likely feel affronted by those who intend to kill themselves. They may see it as a very bad action. Sadly, sometimes their reactions come out as annoyance rather than compassion.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

In the case of your second thought, do you think there's some way to assuage that worry so that the person doesn't withdraw? It almost seems counterproductive for them to think like that, as abandoning a suicidal person would almost assuredly make them even more suicidal.

The issue is you never know how anyone is going to react. Your bestest friend since kindergarten could possibly react negatively about this, or they could give you that shoulder you need to cry on, and be by your side throughout this process. You just don't know.

The way normal people minds work is weird. If you die unexpectedly in a car crash, they will react completely different than if you chose suicide. Each scenario is going to have a different effect on how they feel about your death.

It doesn't matter if you write a note strictly blaming a certain individual for your decision to ctb, or if you write a note saying you tried everything to get better. Either way, it's going to be your fault for not picking up the phone and calling Bob, Mary, Joe, or Tim...

I believe the case with this guy you are talking about, you can bet he's saving all your text messages and replies he sent back, and all the phone call records, so he can say he tried to help you. I'm sure he will enjoy all the sympathy and pats on the back with people saying, "Well, at least she confided in you, and you did your best."

We are in a no win situation no matter how we try to do it.

 

[bankai]

He might be a narcissist with a hero complex who doesn't care about you but loves the idea of saving you.If he doesn't reach out to you in any way,Fuck him and cut him out.

In future, please be careful who you confide in. There are just way too many of these assholes around.

 

[sanction]

Although I don't know the correct answer, but at the same time I think no need to overcomplicate it.

Just because this person cares for you in a certain way, doesn't mean they need to suddenly become responsible for your well-being, or act a certain specific way, as everybody has their own busy lives and problems already

The fact they are willing to show some attention, is already a kind gesture

Humans sometimes have compassion, its normal

If someone told me they want to die, I would naturally show some caring and attention as well, even though realistically, I may be too busy or caught up with my own life in general, to follow up or check in often

Just take it as it is, and don't overthink it or overcomplicate it

 

[Carrot]

- Does not talk to me unless I talk to him first. Same with requesting to see him in-person. We talk/see each other infrequently, inconsistently, and in a very limited capacity.
- There is no kindness or warmth in our interactions - it's cold and distant, like there's a wall between us.
- Treats me like a burden any time I want to talk or see him.
- Does not prioritize talking to/seeing me. Too busy with his social life (same people, same activities, multiple days a week, every week). Claims "everyone" would prioritize social activities over a deeply at-risk person going through a crisis.
- Does not want me to stay in his life in any manner. Not romantically, not platonically, nothing. He says he just wants me to get better and then go separate ways/never talk again.
- Repeatedly reminds me that he wants me to leave/go away/end interactions with him and that he hopes it won't be much longer until that happens.

Have you considered asking them about it? Sometimes it's as simple as that.

"I noticed I'm the one always reaching out, it makes me feel this and that way."

Just ask. Communicate. It might lead to never talking again, but I'd rather never talk again to somebody than to be in such state.

 

[Apathy79]

Agree with most others here.

Just speculating from what you've said: He cares about you in the way that you don't want your acquaintances to die. But you also don't want them to become too close, especially if they seem romantically interested when you're not.

It sounds like he sees you as clingy currently and has his own life which you don't fit into in a significant way. He still wants you to get better because he's a decent person, not because he sees you forming a big part of his life. Most people don't equate someone dying vs living but not talking to them again as the same thing, especially those prone to feeling guilty.

 

[flightless bird]

Could you expound on this? I don't get it. If you want someone to not exist in your life anyway, why care so much whether they live or die? It won't make a difference either way?

he might want a low-contact relationship, or he could just be someone who feels concern for anyone he's known. and since he seems sensitive enough not to hurt your feelings directly, it's likely that he does care about you. just not in a romantic or sexual way.

 

[BlueLock]

He could simply just want to know that you're not gonna hurt yourself. It doesn't sound like he wants any relationship, and I'm sorry about that but he's still concerned for your safety, maybe out of obligation, maybe out of guilt/empathy. If you're confused on where his mind is I'll give an example with my ex, I didn't want anything to do with him after we broke up, he made a few suicide threats and I took them seriously because even though I didn't want anything to do with him I still didn't want him to hurt himself. I did a wellness call for him and he turned out fine. Ended up doing 10 weeks in rehab and gave me a call at the end of it sounding much better. We talked for a bit and I was glad he got help but I didn't want him back in my life and we haven't spoken since. Even though I have no way of knowing what he's doing right now I hope he's not dead in a ditch somewhere because It would just... be sad. And a waste.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה,

Some people are just fucked up. So I'll throw in that my own affect is, I'll fix fixable problems, maybe call out everything being stupid a bit (if you can't see things far away or close up perhaps you need glasses, if your throat hurts maybe you need antibiotics or this one weird cayenne pepper trick and then stop doing shit that gives you strep) and beyond that I *am* tuned out at this point, share a meme sometime or don't, it's a good day when I can afford food and watching people feel their feelings or glitch out doesn't do it for me anymore if it ever did.

Might be a prototype version of that, might be some weirder cognitive dissonance or splitmindedness, I'm not going to guess these days.

It's possible to want the world to be less shitty while being utterly fatigued on bothering, is just one of many possibilities.

 

[TBONTB]

I have a very confusing predicament going on. I'm someone who does not have any family, friends, or partner and thus no one to care if I was dead. I have been coming closer to CTB this year than any other, being very much at the end of the rope and ready to go. However, I recently became somewhat close with someone who claims to care about me a lot, has expressed distress at the thought of me killing myself, and even cried when we have talked about it. He will say things like "I care about you, please don't do that to me" while sobbing. He says he would be "devastated" if I died and that it would "ruin his life."

However, this person at the same time:

- Does not talk to me unless I talk to him first. Same with requesting to see him in-person. We talk/see each other infrequently, inconsistently, and in a very limited capacity.
- There is no kindness or warmth in our interactions - it's cold and distant, like there's a wall between us.
- Treats me like a burden any time I want to talk or see him.
- Does not prioritize talking to/seeing me. Too busy with his social life (same people, same activities, multiple days a week, every week). Claims "everyone" would prioritize social activities over a deeply at-risk person going through a crisis.
- Does not want me to stay in his life in any manner. Not romantically, not platonically, nothing. He says he just wants me to get better and then go separate ways/never talk again.
- Repeatedly reminds me that he wants me to leave/go away/end interactions with him and that he hopes it won't be much longer until that happens.

Despite all that, he's constantly claiming he cares about me, does not want me to die, and wants to help me. I have never had anyone care about me or offer to help me get better before, so I don't know what it's like, but this all seems wrong to me? If someone would be "devastated" by my death, shouldn't that mean I'm a valuable part of their life that they want to keep around, because they enjoy my existence? What's the difference of me being dead vs not talking to them ever again which is apparently what they want? It's the same outcome!

Am I crazy, guys? Or being unreasonable here? In my view, if someone truly cares about you and wants to save you, they would at minimum:

- Reach out to check on you often, even just through text. Want to talk/see you at least a couple times a week to make sure you're not going through everything alone and spiraling.
- Prioritize supporting you and getting you stabilized over their very frequent social activities (not sacrificing ALL of it, obviously - boundaries are important - but willing to sacrifice a little bit of it instead of pushing you to the sidelines while not giving a shit how much you're suffering every additional day/week they make you wait around).
- Show that they care by saying they'll be there for you, they're not going anywhere, and that they value/enjoy having you around. Wanting you to stay in their life because you're important to them.

Any theories on wtf is going on in this person's mind? I've always told myself I'd be willing to stay alive if I just had someone who cared, so I've been clinging to life because of this individual, believing there must be some meaning to our meeting and his timely intervention in my plans to kill myself... but why am I doing that for someone who just wants me to go away regardless? How do these words/actions make ANY sense?

As others have said, I think "cares" for him is generic. He would hate to see you die, and he means that. All his behavior though is that he doesn't care in the sense of a mutual personal relationship. It might be hard to let go of that idea of caring with this person, but if you can mentally step back it might be calmer for you

 

[honorando]

I have a very confusing predicament going on. I'm someone who does not have any family, friends, or partner and thus no one to care if I was dead. I have been coming closer to CTB this year than any other, being very much at the end of the rope and ready to go. However, I recently became somewhat close with someone who claims to care about me a lot, has expressed distress at the thought of me killing myself, and even cried when we have talked about it. He will say things like "I care about you, please don't do that to me" while sobbing. He says he would be "devastated" if I died and that it would "ruin his life."

However, this person at the same time:

- Does not talk to me unless I talk to him first. Same with requesting to see him in-person. We talk/see each other infrequently, inconsistently, and in a very limited capacity.
- There is no kindness or warmth in our interactions - it's cold and distant, like there's a wall between us.
- Treats me like a burden any time I want to talk or see him.
- Does not prioritize talking to/seeing me. Too busy with his social life (same people, same activities, multiple days a week, every week). Claims "everyone" would prioritize social activities over a deeply at-risk person going through a crisis.
- Does not want me to stay in his life in any manner. Not romantically, not platonically, nothing. He says he just wants me to get better and then go separate ways/never talk again.
- Repeatedly reminds me that he wants me to leave/go away/end interactions with him and that he hopes it won't be much longer until that happens.

Despite all that, he's constantly claiming he cares about me, does not want me to die, and wants to help me. I have never had anyone care about me or offer to help me get better before, so I don't know what it's like, but this all seems wrong to me? If someone would be "devastated" by my death, shouldn't that mean I'm a valuable part of their life that they want to keep around, because they enjoy my existence? What's the difference of me being dead vs not talking to them ever again which is apparently what they want? It's the same outcome!

Am I crazy, guys? Or being unreasonable here? In my view, if someone truly cares about you and wants to save you, they would at minimum:

- Reach out to check on you often, even just through text. Want to talk/see you at least a couple times a week to make sure you're not going through everything alone and spiraling.
- Prioritize supporting you and getting you stabilized over their very frequent social activities (not sacrificing ALL of it, obviously - boundaries are important - but willing to sacrifice a little bit of it instead of pushing you to the sidelines while not giving a shit how much you're suffering every additional day/week they make you wait around).
- Show that they care by saying they'll be there for you, they're not going anywhere, and that they value/enjoy having you around. Wanting you to stay in their life because you're important to them.

Any theories on wtf is going on in this person's mind? I've always told myself I'd be willing to stay alive if I just had someone who cared, so I've been clinging to life because of this individual, believing there must be some meaning to our meeting and his timely intervention in my plans to kill myself... but why am I doing that for someone who just wants me to go away regardless? How do these words/actions make ANY sense?

maybe he does care about you but doesnt want a that close relationship.