Story A record for those after

[Spaceman Spiff]

Hey fellow passengers, I am writing this mostly because I am going to make it appear an accident. I am getting ready to catch the bus, I turn 50 in about a week and this feels like a nice round number to finish on. Method doesn't matter, but my intent is to be found by law enforcement rather than family. I was raised in a fundamentalist Mormon household. Not the multiple wife's Mormons, but the beat the gay out of you type. I have 5 siblings of which I respect none. I cut off contact with my parents during COVID because they put my spouses life at risk out of their selfishness. I have put up with their lies and gaslighting for so long, they claim to love me but their actions don't relate that sentiment. Dad is a retired army officer, mom is an entrepreneur with every get rich quick dumbassery that is the flavor of the week. My father is of the boomer generation and completely brainwashed by the Fox News. He's known since I came out at 21 that I am pansexual and pursue relationships that don't fit his binary thinking. Without going into the complex family dynamic, let's just say that they are no longer players in my game. In 2017 my spouse became aware of my excessive use of porn online. We had a big blow up with her giving me the option to get help or get out. Out of fear of loss and I really do love her, I joined a sex addiction 12 step program. I found in that place a resource of help and support. The problem was, I am not a porn addict. I just don't find my spouse sexually appealing. I can't tell her that, she's already insecure about her size and health issues. Then in January '18 she had a massive heart attack and almost died. Truly terrifying, she was home in a few days and less than a month later she had another. She almost died on me. Shortly after that I began having panic attacks. She wouldn't answer the phone I would start spiraling, ambulance heading towards my neighborhood would put me in full panic. I began seeing a therapist and it seemed to help. The relationship with wife was improving, she gave me a lot of credit for embracing recovery. I went to meetings, worked the steps, got a sponsor. I still didn't really believe that I was an addict, but I made some great friends and learned a lot. Unfortunately suicide is fairly common within the sex addiction community. I lost some people there and it was sad but even at the time I understood. Now and then since I started recovery she would become triggered, and I would give her access to my location she will randomly search my phone, computer, car, office, call my friends and grill them trying to catch me in a lie. As I was not doing anything remotely questionable she only became convinced that I was hiding something. And there I go rambling.
So I am a looser who has never been a rule follower, as a kid I could see the bullshit that adults used to control us. My parents were also quick with physical punishments. I was smart enough to recognize the bullshit but not smart enough to keep quiet about it. Because I knew adults lied to me, I often declined the path they recommend and did the opposite. Didn't work so well for me. Anyway I have no real education, I was driving Uber and doing quite well, but now because of a hit and run, I no longer have a car and insurance doesn't cover hit and run. I have $1500 in the bank rent is due on Friday. No job, no place to live pretty soon. My birthday is next Tuesday. I am going to give myself the gift of peace.