Venting A revelation i made last night (can anyone else relate?)

[coolgal82]

Ok so like, last night at like 6am i was on here and it just kinda hit me that like part of the reason i dont wanna get better or whatever is because like being mentally ill/unstable/etc is like the only like solid and semi-consistent part of like who i am/my identity, and like i genuinely cannot think of who or what i'd be without it. it's like the last thing i can cling to and be like "yeah this is me haha"

tbf even that isnt like fully certain because my understanding of it changes and i doubt myself over it alot (i'm even like doubting myself over this as im fucking typing it like ffs) but its like the most solid thing i have

the only other thing i have are my friends and like when im with them i just dont care about any of that and it doesnt matter all that matters is being with them and i wish i could be with them 24/7 and not have to like do anything else or think of anything else (especially myself) or anything like that. all i want and need in life is to talk to them and im not exaggerating even slightly my life would be 100 percent perfect if i could just talk to them or just be with them forever.

 

[dyingslowly]

Not sure how much I relate to it but as being a puxxy all my life I really don't want to be normal anymore I like taking meds and part of me knows that if I kept taking higher doses and cut them cold turkey it would become super easy to do something about this life. Also it is quite common for to go through periods like that but what are u assuming doesn't turn out to be true like being with friends will change anything.

 

[coolgal82]

Not sure how much I relate to it but as being a puxxy all my life I really don't want to be normal anymore I like taking meds and part of me knows that if I kept taking higher doses and cut them cold turkey it would become super easy to do something about this life. Also it is quite common for to go through periods like that but what are u assuming doesn't turn out to be true like being with friends will change anything.

wdym by the last bit?

 

[dyingslowly]

wdym by the last bit?

like it feels in the moment that things will become normal for u if u spent more time with friends but in reality that might not be case and u mind is playing tricks on u

 

[coolgal82]

like it feels in the moment that things will become normal for u if u spent more time with friends but in reality that might not be case and u mind is playing tricks on u

no thats actually how i feel like when im with them it's like nothing else matters and i can stop caring about everything else in the world like any issues might still be there but i can just ignore them and they dont matter when im with my friends, and thats how i feel whenever im like talking to them. i dont think its just "my mind playing tricks on me" or anything

 

[dyingslowly]

no thats actually how i feel like when im with them it's like nothing else matters and i can stop caring about everything else in the world like any issues might still be there but i can just ignore them and they dont matter when im with my friends, and thats how i feel whenever im like talking to them. i dont think its just "my mind playing tricks on me" or anything

what do u think about if you spent most of your time with friends after sometime u might start to feel this with them. I think it seems like a good distraction but it is impossible to stay distracted like that over long period of time, I have tried it and it works amazing as long as the person or people are available and u r distracted after that u go to feeling the same way

 

[coolgal82]

what do u think about if you spent most of your time with friends after sometime u might start to feel this with them. I think it seems like a good distraction but it is impossible to stay distracted like that over long period of time, I have tried it and it works amazing as long as the person or people are available and u r distracted after that u go to feeling the same way

idk i dont think i'd feel this way about just any friends it's just them just two of them specifically my besties, and like yeah its impossible over a long period of time but i have nothing else that makes me feel this way i feel so empty without them. i've never really like truly felt this way about any of my friends before like they were cool but like idk but when im with my besties it's like i feel complete and happy and way more stable, and yeah i feel like shit when theyre not there and cant focus on anything usually cus of how much i miss them (well like it varies sometimes i can sometimes i cant?) and the one week where i had to be without them for an entire week was acctually hell but idk. i have literally nothing else at this point other than them

 

[dyingslowly]

idk i dont think i'd feel this way about just any friends it's just them just two of them specifically my besties, and like yeah its impossible over a long period of time but i have nothing else that makes me feel this way i feel so empty without them. i've never really like truly felt this way about any of my friends before like they were cool but like idk but when im with my besties it's like i feel complete and happy and way more stable, and yeah i feel like shit when theyre not there and cant focus on anything usually cus of how much i miss them (well like it varies sometimes i can sometimes i cant?) and the one week where i had to be without them for an entire week was acctually hell but idk. i have literally nothing else at this point other than them

do you have any hobbies things that u do in your free time that absorb you in?

 

[derpyderpins]

I relate. One big reason I never wanted to try meds was that I thought it would numb out my super awesome personality and creative genius. (sarcasm, mocking 25 year old me.)

If you've ever seen House, he has a similar inner-conflict, that fixing himself will make him lose his edge. He needs to be suffering to be as obsessive as possible to be the best at solving puzzles.

 

[coolgal82]

do you have any hobbies things that u do in your free time that absorb you in?

not really. the only other stuff i do is videogames and like anime/manga/tv but i can barely even bring myself to do that half the time cus all i wanna do is talk to them and its on my mind like atleast alot and can distract me from what im doing, and also i just generally feel arse and not in the mood to do much (except sometimes but thats also partially the adhd)

 

[Hollowman]

I don't have a solid sense of myself either. I'd have to say it's probably the most important thing to have. I used to have a couple really good friends that I had to be around a lot to feel ok. I lost them both and feel pretty lost most of the time.

 

[dyingslowly]

not really. the only other stuff i do is videogames and like anime/manga/tv but i can barely even bring myself to do that half the time cus all i wanna do is talk to them and its on my mind like atleast alot and can distract me from what im doing, and also i just generally feel arse and not in the mood to do much (except sometimes but thats also partially the adhd)

Understandable, have you tried medications?

 

[coolgal82]

Understandable, have you tried medications?

no, i'm looking at adhd meds but its annoying and im looking to get like tested for some other stuff thats been suggested by alot of people to maybe get meds for that too

 

[coolgal82]

I don't have a solid sense of myself either. I'd have to say it's probably the most important thing to have. I used to have a couple really good friends that I had to be around a lot to feel ok. I lost them both and feel pretty lost most of the time.

honestly ive seen that said alot but idk what like having a sense of yourself even like practically means lmao but like yeah ngl i think if i lost these friends i wouldnt be able to handle it

 

[grungy自殺]

This all so true from my perspective

Literally i just don't want to get better because there's a certain thing in my mind that says that it's for the best to keep yourself unrelaxed

Because literally i don't like getting treated and i oppose treatment and it doesn't make me what i am anymore if i were to seek such methods

Almost like they're forcing me to change what i should be as a person

But of course there at times when my thoughts fluctuate as the more i dwell on it the more likely i'll trigger a switch in my head that would make me rethink what i'm thinking because it can't go on feeling that way for so long

I do agree on that part with friends, even though for me it's a bit in the past.

I do really wish i would hang out with them more often if things weren't turning to shit in my life recently