TheHatedOne
Death is salvation
- Sep 26, 2021
- 2,028
You can ignore this gibberish.
How do I even start. 2021 was the most insane and tumultuous year so far for me. I had both good and bad stuff happen for me, but of course the bad stuff happened more. The few good things that happened had a positive impact on me and allowed me to start a new chapter in life. However, I would name this chapter "Titanic" because, just like the ship, my life is sinking slowly, but certainly.
These good things are sitting in the shadow of the bad things that made me learn new essential lessons about life and humanity, and that made me drown further in my own misery, experiencing new kinds of low pretty much all the time.
A tsunami wave came over me, and somehow I predicted it would happen. It all started right from the New Year Eve, which was the worst I ever had and made me wish it didn't exist, my frickin favorite holiday.
Anyways, I'll start the list of the good things that happened, which, as usual, I can count the number on fingers.
First one and the most crucial I'd say is me moving out. I never thought I'd make it and actually escape from that house where I endured emotional and psychological abuse and fuckery to the point that all I've become is the consequences of this abuse. I actually managed to escape from those that brought me into this world and then proceeded to traumatize me and make me live and go through unbearable situations.
Even the night before moving out I had to endure shit. Next day I ran as fast as I could to the new place.
Since then I learnt what freedom is, what silence is, and I feel kinda safe and as if I am in a fortress where I am defended from what's bad. No more worries of "what if they do x thing to me?". However, due to my paranoia I had thoughts like: " what if they come here?" "What if they somehow can get inside?" . I had lots of nightmares where I had to go back to them or them coming here and doing bad things to me.
Indeed, moving out was the biggest step I have taken so far and I'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts.
Second good thing that happened was meeting my friend. The kindest and nicest person I ever met. A good listener. Very caring. Gave me a direction in life, career wise. And before his disappearance I learnt a very valuable lesson thanks to him: that I should take decisions because I WANT to, and not under someone else's pressure. That's how I realized that I was pressured to go to uni by my birth givers and that if it were for me, I wouldn't have gone. His words were healing and I still miss him very much. His disappearance truly affected me and it was for the first time I experienced the loss of a dear one.
Third good thing was coming here. With all the bad that happened, I have to admit that if not for this place I would have been more miserable. I like to express myself and I'm thankful because I found a less awful way to go.
I'm not sure if I should put my ex best friend into this category. I had great times with him and we were very alike but I'm still conflicted as to what happened in the end.
Now to the bad ones.
The abuse I endured before moving out.
The bullying from teachers in university which is a big reason why I'm dropping out.
Failures in relationships with others. Be it friends or romantic. I had yet another failed relationship and a crush and related stuff that went wrong.
Fake friends. Last two "friends" I had made me completely change my stance on friendships. Also very anxious and wary of every interaction now because of this.
Second alcohol addiction. Slowly getting out of it but man it was a crazy one.
Experiencing two deaths.
Bullying in various places.
Overall suffering.
Identity crisis.
Awful style of living.
New negative emotions I haven't experienced before.
I can't think of anything else.
WHAT TO EXPECT FROM 2022?
I have awful feelings inside me when it comes to the next year and I even predict that, the worst is coming in 2022. This year just felt like a training. In 2022 the worst will happen. So there are two options: either I make this the year where I free myself from this suffering prison, or I will experience the worst which I don't even want to think about. I, of course will take the first option and will try my best in case logistics will fail.
Okay this is all I had to say. If you actually read this big thanks.
How do I even start. 2021 was the most insane and tumultuous year so far for me. I had both good and bad stuff happen for me, but of course the bad stuff happened more. The few good things that happened had a positive impact on me and allowed me to start a new chapter in life. However, I would name this chapter "Titanic" because, just like the ship, my life is sinking slowly, but certainly.
These good things are sitting in the shadow of the bad things that made me learn new essential lessons about life and humanity, and that made me drown further in my own misery, experiencing new kinds of low pretty much all the time.
A tsunami wave came over me, and somehow I predicted it would happen. It all started right from the New Year Eve, which was the worst I ever had and made me wish it didn't exist, my frickin favorite holiday.
Anyways, I'll start the list of the good things that happened, which, as usual, I can count the number on fingers.
First one and the most crucial I'd say is me moving out. I never thought I'd make it and actually escape from that house where I endured emotional and psychological abuse and fuckery to the point that all I've become is the consequences of this abuse. I actually managed to escape from those that brought me into this world and then proceeded to traumatize me and make me live and go through unbearable situations.
Even the night before moving out I had to endure shit. Next day I ran as fast as I could to the new place.
Since then I learnt what freedom is, what silence is, and I feel kinda safe and as if I am in a fortress where I am defended from what's bad. No more worries of "what if they do x thing to me?". However, due to my paranoia I had thoughts like: " what if they come here?" "What if they somehow can get inside?" . I had lots of nightmares where I had to go back to them or them coming here and doing bad things to me.
Indeed, moving out was the biggest step I have taken so far and I'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts.
Second good thing that happened was meeting my friend. The kindest and nicest person I ever met. A good listener. Very caring. Gave me a direction in life, career wise. And before his disappearance I learnt a very valuable lesson thanks to him: that I should take decisions because I WANT to, and not under someone else's pressure. That's how I realized that I was pressured to go to uni by my birth givers and that if it were for me, I wouldn't have gone. His words were healing and I still miss him very much. His disappearance truly affected me and it was for the first time I experienced the loss of a dear one.
Third good thing was coming here. With all the bad that happened, I have to admit that if not for this place I would have been more miserable. I like to express myself and I'm thankful because I found a less awful way to go.
I'm not sure if I should put my ex best friend into this category. I had great times with him and we were very alike but I'm still conflicted as to what happened in the end.
Now to the bad ones.
The abuse I endured before moving out.
The bullying from teachers in university which is a big reason why I'm dropping out.
Failures in relationships with others. Be it friends or romantic. I had yet another failed relationship and a crush and related stuff that went wrong.
Fake friends. Last two "friends" I had made me completely change my stance on friendships. Also very anxious and wary of every interaction now because of this.
Second alcohol addiction. Slowly getting out of it but man it was a crazy one.
Experiencing two deaths.
Bullying in various places.
Overall suffering.
Identity crisis.
Awful style of living.
New negative emotions I haven't experienced before.
I can't think of anything else.
WHAT TO EXPECT FROM 2022?
I have awful feelings inside me when it comes to the next year and I even predict that, the worst is coming in 2022. This year just felt like a training. In 2022 the worst will happen. So there are two options: either I make this the year where I free myself from this suffering prison, or I will experience the worst which I don't even want to think about. I, of course will take the first option and will try my best in case logistics will fail.
Okay this is all I had to say. If you actually read this big thanks.
