A sweet memory I have about my boyfriend who passed away

[BlueButterfly111]

I post a lot about my boyfriend who passed away, because I think about him a lot. I feel like we were meant to be together in this lifetime to show each other true love before our deaths.

A few weeks before he passed away, he told me that he wanted to have me as his girlfriend forever. I think about how our souls felt connected, and now that I'm gonna end it soon we will actually be together forever in my mind. It's just so beautiful to me, I just wanted to share.

I don't know what's beyond this lifetime, but I feel connected to him eternally. I know everybody doesn't believe in stuff like this, and I didn't either, but he made me believe.

 

[iwishiwishiwish]

That's really beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
That must mean you're a truly special person.
Am I allowed to ask, how did he pass? Was it to CTB? I dread to think it was because of that, that he was in so much emotional pain to leave this world…
I can understand your sentiment in wanting to CBT ever since he left this realm. Have you only experienced SI since your boyfriend's passing?

 

[Depressive_Thoughts]

"I don't know what's beyond this lifetime, but I feel connected to him eternally"
That's really touching, thanks for sharing.
May I ask, how did he pass away?

 

[billie]

may he rest in peace

 

[BlueButterfly111]

That's really beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
That must mean you're a truly special person.
Am I allowed to ask, how did he pass? Was it to CTB? I dread to think it was because of that, that he was in so much emotional pain to leave this world…
I can understand your sentiment in wanting to CBT ever since he left this realm. Have you only experienced SI since your boyfriend's passing?

Awww thank you so much, I really appreciate that, your reply made me smile, thank you.

He didn't ctb, he was shot by a police officer multiple times while he was having a mental health crisis. Even though he didn't ctb he had a lot of mental issues, and I do question whether or not he ran at the police on purpose. I can't say for sure, either way, I know he was suffering a lot in that moment.

And to answer your last question, no, it's not just since his passing that I've experienced suicidal ideation. I actually have been depressed for 10 years, ever since I was a preteen. And I've had suicidal ideations on and off for the last 10 years as well. I've been through years of bullying and being autistic, causing a lot of painful things in my life. But my boyfriend made me really happy in the time that I was with him. After he passed away, I knew it was only a matter of time before I finally ctb.

Thanks so much for your questions, I appreciate someone caring about my situation.

 

[iwishiwishiwish]

Awww thank you so much, I really appreciate that, your reply made me smile, thank you.

He didn't ctb, he was shot by a police officer multiple times while he was having a mental health crisis. Even though he didn't ctb he had a lot of mental issues, and I do question whether or not he ran at the police on purpose. I can't say for sure, either way, I know he was suffering a lot in that moment.

And to answer the last question, no, it's not just because of his passing, I actually have been depressed for 10 years, ever since I was a preteen. And I've had suicidal ideations on and off for the last 10 years too. I've been through years of bullying and being autistic causing a lot of painful things. But my boyfriend made me really happy in the time that I was with him. After he passed away, I knew it was only a matter of time before I finally ctb.

Thanks so much for your questions, I appreciate someone caring about my situation.

Oh my, I am so sorry. What a terrible passing. May your boyfriend be in eternal peace and happiness, wherever that may be… That is truly so horrible… I think whatever the situation, he was probably very confused and scared and he probably was doing something he definitely wouldn't do in a much calmer state.

I can imagine you both probably found a lot of solace in one another. If you would like, would you like to describe him to me at all? Tell me some of his quirks or your favourite things about him. Or you don't have to, I can imagine the wounds of losing him are still very fresh...

I see. My depression also started around that time-period too. Forget being depressed, being neurodivergent probably makes things 100x more difficult, huh? Do you have a support network at all? Friends or family?

 

[BlueButterfly111]

Oh my, I am so sorry. What a terrible passing. May your boyfriend be in eternal peace and happiness, wherever that may be… That is truly so horrible… I think whatever the situation, he was probably very confused and scared and he probably was doing something he definitely wouldn't do in a much calmer state.

I can imagine you both probably found a lot of solace in one another. If you would like, would you like to describe him to me at all? Tell me some of his quirks or your favourite things about him. Or you don't have to, I can imagine the wounds of losing him are still very fresh...

I see. My depression also started around that time-period too. Forget being depressed, being neurodivergent probably makes things 100x more difficult, huh? Do you have a support network at all? Friends or family?

Thank you, and yes I agree.

Sure, I would love to, thanks for asking! He was otherworldly to me, in the most beautiful way. I was just like so mesmerized by him, he was so beautiful to me, inside and out. He had a baby face that I really loved, soft smooth skin, just his name and everything about him was perfect to me. He would say things that I've never heard anyone else say. For example, this was a short time after I first met him, he said something that made me start laughing really hard, can't remember what it was that he said. But anyway after I started laughing he said "Oh I'm so glad I could make you laugh." Then he said "your parents were making love when they were making you." Just the way he would talk was so poetic and unique, and he didn't even realize it. He was just special, I never met anyone like him. And well he passed away 6 months ago, but I still think about him a lot.

Sorry that your depression started around that time as well. And yes, being neurodivergent, to me feels like being from a different planet. Are you also neurodivergent as well? I do have one friend, we live together, but no family support system.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

"I don't know what's beyond this lifetime, but I feel connected to him eternally"
That's really touching, thanks for sharing.
May I ask, how did he pass away?

Sorry for the late reply, your comment literally didn't show up until now! That's weird, must be a website glitch.

And thank you so much. He was shot by a police officer multiple times while he was having a mental health crisis. He died after being in critical condition for a couple of weeks.

 

[Kanashii]

I know what it feels like to have a partner die. I lost my girlfriend 6 years ago, and I remember she always told me to be happy even if she wasn't here. Not sure if she was foreshadowing what was to happen but, I definitely struggle knowing she isn't there, especially as time comes up to the anniversary of when she died.

It makes me feel better when I do think about her, the fun times we had, I try to forget all the bad that happened even though it doesn't and will never go away.

To cope when someone so close to you is then gone... is a hard thing to do. And I feel for everyone who has gone through similar experiences as you and I.

The things you've experienced too is also a very sad thing to me. There's no decent people on this world and all people want to do is hate others and have no empathy for anybody.
I truly have no hope for this world becuase of the people in it. It honestly feel like the bad outweighs the good.

I hope that you do find peace and happiness again in your life though, and that you can find those who truly care about you <3

 

[BlueButterfly111]

I know what it feels like to have a partner die. I lost my girlfriend 6 years ago, and I remember she always told me to be happy even if she wasn't here. Not sure if she was foreshadowing what was to happen but, I definitely struggle knowing she isn't there, especially as time comes up to the anniversary of when she died.

It makes me feel better when I do think about her, the fun times we had, I try to forget all the bad that happened even though it doesn't and will never go away.

To cope when someone so close to you is then gone... is a hard thing to do. And I feel for everyone who has gone through similar experiences as you and I.

The things you've experienced too is also a very sad thing to me. There's no decent people on this world and all people want to do is hate others and have no empathy for anybody.
I truly have no hope for this world becuase of the people in it. It honestly feel like the bad outweighs the good.

I hope that you do find peace and happiness again in your life though, and that you can find those who truly care about you <3

I'm so sorry for your loss as well. Yeah my boyfriend also would say eerie things, as if he knew he was going to die soon. I remember one time, almost a year ago, he said something like "you'll be okay with me, or without me." If you ever want someone to talk to about it, I'm here. I am struggling as well, and it's such a lonely feeling that I feel no one understands my pain.

I feel better too when I think about the good times, I sometimes still even have good dreams about him.

I feel the same way too about this world, that's so true. It's awful, and it's only getting worse recently. I agree with you a lot of evil and bad people in this world. It does make me feel even more hopeless as well.

Thank you, I hope you find peace and happiness as well, but I don't have much hope for myself. But thank you. And like I said, you can reach out to me as long as I'm here. And I'm sorry for your pain as well.

 

[Kanashii]

I'm so sorry for your loss as well. Yeah my boyfriend also would say eerie things, as if he knew he was going to die soon. I remember one time, almost a year ago, he said something like "you'll be okay with me, or without me." If you ever want someone to talk to about it, I'm here. I am struggling as well, and it's such a lonely feeling that I feel no one understands my pain.

I feel better too when I think about the good times, I sometimes still even have good dreams about him.

I feel the same way too about this world, that's so true. It's awful, and it's only getting worse recently. I agree with you a lot of evil and bad people in this world. It does make me feel even more hopeless as well.

Thank you, I hope you find peace and happiness as well, but I don't have much hope for myself. But thank you. And like I said, you can reach out to me as long as I'm here. And I'm sorry for your pain as well.

You're so sweet, thank you for your kind words. It's honestly so nice and refreshing to talk to people who know the pain I've had to deal with for so long, and to get away from the people who just say "It's in the past get over it".

I think we can all feel hopeless, I definitely don't think of myself as having the most hope. I've always viewed myself as someone who's destined for failure or for all good things to eventually go bad as I've experienced it so much in my life, but sometimes I have a little bit of hope if I've done something I'm proud of myself for doing or if I make a small change that brings out a positive outcome.

I only ever take one day at a time. If I wake up and the day is good, then I feel pretty calm, and sometimes happy as the day goes on, especially if I might have things to look forward to, even if they're little things as small things affect me so much.

I'll definitely be here too if you want to talk or vent to me about anything. I recently came back to this site and I'm planning on staying.

I hope things do get better for you, they might be progressive and take a lot of time but sometimes... that's a good thing. <3