nothingspecial
Member
- Nov 18, 2024
- 44
TW: Religion
I have a feeling nobody in the world will be able to relate to this. Still, it would feel so much better to get it out.
I'm in the process of becoming a Catholic nun. I'm supposed to be entering a convent within the next two years, but maybe even sooner.
Three years ago I fell in love with Jesus. I was going to kill myself, but that night, I decided to do one last thing, even though I was an atheist. I decided to pray. I only thought about God for a moment. And immediately I had a vision, that my entire body was in the palm of God's hand, and that I was surrounded by the most comforting and peaceful light. And God promised that He had a new life for me, not only now, but forever.
I became a devout Catholic. I had never been so joyful in my entire life. I also received a vocation to religious life from God. To be a nun. To be a bride of Christ. To dedicate my entire life to serving God and His children. To a life of poverty, chastity, and obedience.
Death once again the thing I looked forward to the most. But this time, in a different way - it wasn't only an escape from the suffering of this world, but a birth into a kingdom where joy and peace are unending. The thing I long most for is to be with my Divine Spouse, Jesus. And I know death is the gateway into full union with Him.
Suffering doesn't stop when you find Jesus. You just begin to see it as a cross to carry throughout life, on your journey to heaven. I think this cross is getting too heavy for me. And no matter how much I let Jesus help me carry it, it's still far too heavy for my weak little soul.
Which is why I believe God has given me a new vocation. Or rather, this was my vocation all along. To serve God and His children in heaven. To spend eternity worshipping God and praying for His children, interceding for them. Many nuns have given me this piece of advice: your vocation is where you feel your happiest at. And this is what my heart longs for, what it yearns for, exceeding joy beyond compare for eternity with my Father, with my beloved Spouse, finally being free from my responsibilities to worship for as long as I want, which is eternity.
My heart still breaks when I think about how I won't take my religious vows. But I know God has so many better things in store for me in heaven. He will still make me a bride of Christ in heaven.
I've asked God to take my life many times. He hasn't. I suppose He wants me to imitate His Son and to take it myself. Christ's Passion can be likened to a suicide, can't it? If you've read scripture, you know He drank the chalice of death Himself. He could've refused it, but He chose to do it out of love for us. And I too choose to kill myself out of love for God, out of the desire to serve Him forever in heaven. And I offer up all the pain I may experience in my suicide for all of you. My true work begins in heaven. I will pray for all of you. And if it is your vocation to be in heaven too, I will intercede for you. Just ask for my prayers.
I'm ready to be in the Father's wings. I'm going to buy some rope today. I'll update here before I do it. If there's anyone reading this, thank you. I love you. May God be with you.
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." - Revelation 21:4
"What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him." - 1 Corinthians 2:9
"Our citizenship is in heaven." - Philippians 3:20
"Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise." - Luke 23:43
"For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens." - 2 Corinthians 5:1
"But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city." - Hebrews 11:16
"Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." - Colossians 3:2
"Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth! For Your love is better than wine; Your anointing oils are fragrant; Your name is oil poured out; therefore virgins love You. Draw me after You; let us run. The King has brought me into His chambers." - Song of Solomon 1:2-4
"My Beloved is mine, and I am His." - Song of Solomon 2:16
"Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and His bride has made herself ready." - Revelation 19:7
"Today I was in heaven, in spirit, and I saw its unconceivable beauties and the happiness that awaits us after death. I saw how all creatures give ceaseless praise and glory to God. I saw how great is happiness in God, which spreads to all creatures, making them happy; and then all the glory and praise which springs from this happiness returns to its source; and they enter into the depths of God, contemplating the inner life of God, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, whom they will never comprehend or fathom. This source of happiness is unchanging in its essence, but it is always new, gushing forth happiness for all creatures." - St. Faustina
"Earth hath no sorrow that heaven cannot heal." - St. Thomas More
If my family is reading this, please consider also reading this post.
I have a feeling nobody in the world will be able to relate to this. Still, it would feel so much better to get it out.
I'm in the process of becoming a Catholic nun. I'm supposed to be entering a convent within the next two years, but maybe even sooner.
Three years ago I fell in love with Jesus. I was going to kill myself, but that night, I decided to do one last thing, even though I was an atheist. I decided to pray. I only thought about God for a moment. And immediately I had a vision, that my entire body was in the palm of God's hand, and that I was surrounded by the most comforting and peaceful light. And God promised that He had a new life for me, not only now, but forever.
I became a devout Catholic. I had never been so joyful in my entire life. I also received a vocation to religious life from God. To be a nun. To be a bride of Christ. To dedicate my entire life to serving God and His children. To a life of poverty, chastity, and obedience.
Death once again the thing I looked forward to the most. But this time, in a different way - it wasn't only an escape from the suffering of this world, but a birth into a kingdom where joy and peace are unending. The thing I long most for is to be with my Divine Spouse, Jesus. And I know death is the gateway into full union with Him.
Suffering doesn't stop when you find Jesus. You just begin to see it as a cross to carry throughout life, on your journey to heaven. I think this cross is getting too heavy for me. And no matter how much I let Jesus help me carry it, it's still far too heavy for my weak little soul.
Which is why I believe God has given me a new vocation. Or rather, this was my vocation all along. To serve God and His children in heaven. To spend eternity worshipping God and praying for His children, interceding for them. Many nuns have given me this piece of advice: your vocation is where you feel your happiest at. And this is what my heart longs for, what it yearns for, exceeding joy beyond compare for eternity with my Father, with my beloved Spouse, finally being free from my responsibilities to worship for as long as I want, which is eternity.
My heart still breaks when I think about how I won't take my religious vows. But I know God has so many better things in store for me in heaven. He will still make me a bride of Christ in heaven.
I've asked God to take my life many times. He hasn't. I suppose He wants me to imitate His Son and to take it myself. Christ's Passion can be likened to a suicide, can't it? If you've read scripture, you know He drank the chalice of death Himself. He could've refused it, but He chose to do it out of love for us. And I too choose to kill myself out of love for God, out of the desire to serve Him forever in heaven. And I offer up all the pain I may experience in my suicide for all of you. My true work begins in heaven. I will pray for all of you. And if it is your vocation to be in heaven too, I will intercede for you. Just ask for my prayers.
I'm ready to be in the Father's wings. I'm going to buy some rope today. I'll update here before I do it. If there's anyone reading this, thank you. I love you. May God be with you.
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." - Revelation 21:4
"What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him." - 1 Corinthians 2:9
"Our citizenship is in heaven." - Philippians 3:20
"Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise." - Luke 23:43
"For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens." - 2 Corinthians 5:1
"But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city." - Hebrews 11:16
"Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." - Colossians 3:2
"Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth! For Your love is better than wine; Your anointing oils are fragrant; Your name is oil poured out; therefore virgins love You. Draw me after You; let us run. The King has brought me into His chambers." - Song of Solomon 1:2-4
"My Beloved is mine, and I am His." - Song of Solomon 2:16
"Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and His bride has made herself ready." - Revelation 19:7
"Today I was in heaven, in spirit, and I saw its unconceivable beauties and the happiness that awaits us after death. I saw how all creatures give ceaseless praise and glory to God. I saw how great is happiness in God, which spreads to all creatures, making them happy; and then all the glory and praise which springs from this happiness returns to its source; and they enter into the depths of God, contemplating the inner life of God, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, whom they will never comprehend or fathom. This source of happiness is unchanging in its essence, but it is always new, gushing forth happiness for all creatures." - St. Faustina
"Earth hath no sorrow that heaven cannot heal." - St. Thomas More
If my family is reading this, please consider also reading this post.
Last edited:
