a year since my attempt

[3ndmym1sery]

last year during this exact month i tried to starve to death. i just cant take it. its so painful thinking about all of it. i was completely alone during the days, weeks, months i spent suffering trying to get smaller and smaller until i stopped eating entirely. all that physical agony only i experienced, only i felt, only i knew. i made a choice of killing myself. i didnt hurt anyone else. i didnt even ask anyone for any assistance or money or anything. all i wanted was to be left alone in my room just for a little while longer. just a few days more. i wouldnt turn the light on, i wouldnt leave my bed, i wouldnt do anything. these people very conveniently decided that i have just lost my mind and if i dont eat i will die. so they sent me away to the mental hospital. the mental hospital people did whatever they wanted to me. on my first day there a doctor asked me how i am not because she wanted to really know but because she wanted to write in her file about my mental faculties and how functioning they were.
its been a year since then, my life is the same. not nearly as bad. i live an ordinary kind of life now. im still my parents property. still not free. still stuck. but im not starving and im not sick. i write a lot, i also am a hard determinist now. everyone around me thinks im crazy for the most part. my feelings are just "episodes" they wait for to pass. i feel like a complete pain to them. my older brother told me i have a small brain and dont know anything when i was telling him about determinism a month or so ago. i cried a lot, yelled at my parents, because im scared of my brother and couldnt yell at him. i really just want to leave this place forever. not by dying but by leaving physically. i dont know if i could. they dont even let me drive a car. or go outside by myself. they say ill get raped, tortured, kidnapped, killed. i told them i could carry a defensive weapon such as a knife, they told me id just get put in prison or the guy would use it against me. "especially since im so weak now."
my life is a losing battle. i also met a girl i used to be friends with a long time ago, we went to school together in grade 4. we didnt get along at all. but we texted a bit for a week or so and she showed me a picture of a cousin of hers that died of anorexia that looked just like me. her mouth was opened and it made me think about how i had gotten so weak and skinny that i couldnt close my mouth either. she was wrapped in a white cloth and had cotton in her nose, its how muslims bury their people. and it made me think about how theyd do the same to me. and how my life is very similar to how my death would be because everything would be of their choosing.
heres a little excerpt from my journal:

I saw that girl yesterday and I saw myself. This is what this life does to some of us. How we look when it's all over, and we've been defeated. How am I supposed to accept it? This isn't about being strong and fighting even if it's hard. It is a losing battle unless by chance it happens not to be. If by chance something good happens. For me of all people. And what are the chances of that?
I have just as much freedom in this life as I will in death. They decide what to do with the body. What to dress it in. What about what I want? There is no I, is there? There is only them. The people that own I. I am nothing. Can I wear something I like to the grave? Can I have a gravestone of my choice? Can I be buried without any religious system? Can you not drown me in things of your choice? Can you please bury me how I want to be buried? In what I want to be buried? No?

 

[No More Tears]

I can relate. I nearly beat life by doing the VSED route earlier this year. I went around 2 months without eating, and was nearly dead. No amount of persuasion can stop me from exiting this world, it's a near future accomplishment I plan to accomplish.
Here's my thread about going without food for about two months if you want to read it.

I attempted suicide by VSED, and nearly succeeded

This is my time line from beginning to end, when I was "saved". Times may be off because as my condition worsened, my timing became a mess. I do know(I think) that the situation ended somewhere near the end of April. Please note that not everyone will have the same outcome, nor will all...

sanctionedsuicide.site