Help About improving one's habits...

[maru.]

This is my first thread ever in the recovery section.
I still don't know why i'm bothering, a lot of the time i think to myself that i don't even want to get better at all.
Other times i realise that "getting better" barely has any meaning to me anymore, i can't even grasp the concept of what it is.
Still, i already have a plan in mind to get my SN, and by the way things are going i'll ctb before this year is over.
I really want to, life is awful, especially adult life, i hate my body, have no gf/wife, have no goals, don't care about any career, and have no dreams.
However, not trying to be pretentious, but i know some people i really love would be sad if i died.
So, i have to make a choice, should i keep the pain to myself? Or should i stop feeling it, but give it to the people i like instead?
Recently i started thinking about a third option, making so this pain ceases to exist.

So, i started thinking of how to do that.
I realise that a big part of my depression (far from being all of it, but still an important part), is that i feel exhausted all of the time.
All i do is rest all day long, and i still feel tired, at the same time i see my colleagues, also tired, but because they're getting things done, unlike me.
As a consequence of this, i'm not being able to work on my responsibilities, like studying, especially.
It screws me up, because i feel useless, i've learned nothing in the last 3 years of medschool, this year specially, how am i supposed to be a doctor if i don't know anything?
I start shaking when i have a patient in front of me and i have to do something, i feel miserable in class when i realise all of my friends and colleagues actually learn things.
I almost have panic attacks when trying to study, because i have to pause in every sentense due to there being a word or concept i don't know, which i should know by now.
I take a whole day to read a few pages, i used to be the ace of my class in high school and now i don't even bother with studying at all because it's so impossible.
Sometimes i wonder if i'm just a lazy spoiled fuck, faking depression for attention, or so i'm not judged or hated, maybe i'm manipulative, and just looking for excuses, i don't know.
I'll probably dropout with the way things are going, and when that happens i won't have my friends anymore, and also no career prospects, i'll have no reason to stay at all anymore.
I need to have more energy, a better mood, just something.

So, this brings me to my main question, which i'd appreciate if anyone could help me out with.
These self improvement things, especially habit focused, that a lot of people mention when talking about overcoming depression.
Does it work?
Like, i eat only garbage food, and i've masturbated over 3 times a day for years now.
I don't exercise and just stay all day long in bed, sleeping or browsing the web in an attempt to distract myself from everything else.
Those are the only coping mechanisms i have, without them, i'm done.
Which is why i don't know what to think when i read stuff like "No Fap! Eat Healthy! Exercise!", as solutions to depression.
Like, maybe they are, maybe i'll stop feeling exhausted all of the time, maybe i'll start getting things done and, as a consequence, my problems with college and stuff will fade.
The thing is, like i said, those bad habits are also my only coping mechanisms, the only things that make life comfortable in any way shape or form.
I can't afford to give them up only because of hope, i need to be sure that these things actually work.
So, like, that's my question, when it comes to these habit changes to improve one's mood and depression, does it actually work or is it just a fucking meme?

P.S. Another thing is, does my masturbation habit, over 3 times a day for many years, increase the chances of me having low testosterone?
P.S.2. I haven't taken antidepressants since 2018, and don't go to therapy since 2019, i just never felt like they worked at all, do they work better when mixed with habit changes?

I know this ended up being very long, and i'm sorry about that, but if you read the whole thing until hear, i just have one thing to say: Thank You :3

 

[Deleted member 19276]

Hey, nah man, thank you for writing and expressing this! :)
It's fine, I am glad you had the will and mindset to put it out there. It's strange... I thought the habit thing, that perhaps I am alone with it, trying to break a cycle myself that will never be concluded and replaced with something more healthy and new.
I hope I am not sounding like a narcissist here, but perhaps what I will get to say is that I have also tried multiple times to eat healthy, exercise, do less gaming, look at more positive stuff and so on... My mind, my crushing mind, it keeps coming back to the CTB thoughts, every. single. day! :(
I just don't know what so much to do at times like that and while part of me wants to recover, the other part and side keeps pushing back and saying no. :(
It seems for a solid while I may be stuck with this, but... If you were to ever escape properly, this horrible loop where you keep doing the same stuff, can you happen to share here with us? :o
Some people out there in mental health services always make it seem or sound so easy: Oh eat your veggies! Go to a gym. Yadi yada!
I feel like I tried all of those things and still nothing. One step forward, two steps back. :/

 

[maru.]

Hey, nah man, thank you for writing and expressing this! :)

You're welcome :3

I hope I am not sounding like a narcissist here

Not at all, it's ok, don't be harsh on yourself.

My mind, my crushing mind, it keeps coming back to the CTB thoughts, every. single. day! :(
I just don't know what so much to do at times like that and while part of me wants to recover, the other

I think that it's because our position is comfortable.

Like, it's not easy to ctb, at all, but it's so, you know, certain, something that life just isn't, everything could always go wrong, take a turn for the worst, etc.

Accepting that we'll just be miserable and end up ctb is so much easier than investing so much time and energy, that we don't even have anymore, only for a chance of things improving, and still, we could lose it all eventually anyways and get even worse that how we are now, life is so fragile, and the real world is scary, especially when we grow up and realise we're not special.

Accepting this fate and spending the rest of our days trying to feel as comfortable as possible with our bad habits until we ctb is so much more simple.

but... If you were to ever escape properly, this horrible loop where you keep doing the same stuff, can you happen to share here with us? :o

I feel like I tried all of those things and still nothing. One step forward, two steps back. :/

If it does happen, i'll share it, but i'm in the same boat as you unfortunately, i don't see myself getting better any time soon.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

@maru. Energy and time... Ah, that too. Thanks for your reply!
Sadly, no matter how hard a person tries, specially people like us I mean, we will always be brought back into the said comfort zone.
There has to be a way of escape though. :/ I still feel like perhaps we are missing on some clue out there...

 

[maru.]

There has to be a way of escape though. :/ I still feel like perhaps we are missing on some clue out there...

Even if we are, i dont know if I would even be able to take advantage of it, the position i'm in is just too comfortable, miserable, but comfortable, sometimes i think that deep down i don't even want to get better anymore, besides the people i like being sad i have no reason to stay, no dreams, it feels better to enjoy the time i have left with them as much as possible and then quit, i mean, when we graduate i won't see them much anymore anyway, so what will i have left then? I don't know, sorry for the pessimism, i don't want to drag you into this hole with me, i'm really sorry.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

Even if we are, i dont know if I would even be able to take advantage of it, the position i'm in is just too comfortable, miserable, but comfortable, sometimes i think that deep down i don't even want to get better anymore, besides the people i like being sad i have no reason to stay, no dreams, it feels better to enjoy the time i have left with them as much as possible and then quit, i mean, when we graduate i won't see them much anymore anyway, so what will i have left then? I don't know, sorry for the pessimism, i don't want to drag you into this hole with me, i'm really sorry.

Nah, dude... I am already in the said hole.
The thing where you said that you are enjoying the last pleasures or good for you things that are left... Damn man, I am really sorry!
No, don't be sorry!
I can understand, I am like that too. Without something like gaming for example, or a computer, I feel like I have no reason to stay at all.
These thoughts, this... Emptiness. It seems like it's following us no matter what.
I am trying to think on what perhaps may be ideal with such a situation... I feel so stupid for not knowing what to give as an example or suggestion. Ugh, sorry that I am ranting and being a little braindead at the same time. :(

 

[maru.]

Nah, dude... I am already in the said hole.

We'll, at the very least we're not alone, i guess, my friend.

The thing where you said that you are enjoying the last pleasures or good for you things that are left... Damn man, I am really sorry!

There's no need to feel sorry for me, i brought this upon myself, i deserve it tbh.

No, don't be sorry!

*hugs*

I can understand, I am like that too. Without something like gaming for example, or a computer, I feel like I have no reason to stay at all.

Yeah, i too just play games and browse the web all day, it reminds me of childhood and it also keeps me distracted from the real world.

These thoughts, this... Emptiness. It seems like it's following us no matter what.

Yeah, everything feels so hollow, it's almost worse than sadness tbh.

I am trying to think on what perhaps may be ideal with such a situation... I feel so stupid for not knowing what to give as an example or suggestion.

I don't have a suggestion either, but it's ok, if we knew how to fix our lives, we wouldn't be posting here in the first place.

Ugh, sorry that I am ranting and being a little braindead at the same time. :(

It's fine lad, no need to apologize, you didn't do anything wrong, you did howeve give me someone to talk to, and i can't thank you enough.

 

[Life_and_Death]

If masturbatings an addiction then yeah I'd change that but for the most part. No. In the case of your interests as long as no harm is being done I wouldn't change it. You like doing it for a reason. That would be like me becoming a whole new person just because I have a personality disorder. I wouldn't be very happy not being me. However I fell into the whole not wanting to move problem myself and sadly the only way I know to fix it is move. I felt a lot better when I was outside gardening or doing arts and crafts. For the most part though do stuff you like, eat relatively healthy food and get good sleep, and try to stick to a routine. This is suppose to be the general basis for getting better but I can't stick with anything. I know I feel better doing it the problem is when I stop lol.

 

[maru.]

This is suppose to be the general basis for getting better but I can't stick with anything.

Same here, i just dont have the discipline i guess, I had more when i was a teenager than now, i was also happier.

I guess i find it hard to chance due to what i said earlier, even though my position is shitty and miserable, it's also easy and comfortable.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

@maru. Sending hugs back to you too my friend!
Replying a bit late, I know. Brain locked into place earlier for some reason and I couldn't answer right away.
I wouldn't say you deserve it though, you have done nothing wrong. :(
Discipline, like what you wrote above, can be very difficult to manage at times. It can sometimes lead to you forcing yourself and ending up not feeling like you are yourself. It really sucks. :(
Perhaps you can try to pick up on something, like a beginner thing that is different though. That way, you don't lose a lot, don't gain a lot either.
It will keep a balance and maybe open the gates to something new? Again though, trying to think so hard on what we could do about this.
I would have suggested something like arts or crafts too, but @Life_and_Death beat me to it.
Either way, don't force yourself... If something becomes like a chore to you, that's where you basically come to realize that it's not enjoyable anymore and you have to trade for something else. :)
Once more, thank you for what you expressed up there!

 

[Nyxx33]

As resistant as I was for years (and honestly now I've regressed a lot), I finally got in the habit of working out, eating healthy, and meditating in 2018 and while I still had emotional issues (crying a lot but for different reasons than normal) I felt much much more comfortable in my own body and my energy levels were higher than they had been in forever. I also finally got into things that I enjoyed such as art and dance. As for the habits you have that aren't "healthy" per se, I don't think you need to totally cut them out but just find a balance. Maybe cut down on the self pleasuring or have it be a reward for doing something productive you did. If you start eating healthier it doesn't mean you can't treat yourself sometimes. And honestly at least for me it can make those things even better when you don't over do it - and I even start to lose interest. Once I start eating healthier, for example, I start to have a distaste for really crappy food. If I get in the habit of crappy food I crave it but when I start to eat more wholesome home cooked less processed meals I am reminded of how much better I feel afterwards and how much tastier it is. It's not easy to change habits, but once you get the momentum started, it makes it easier to continue.

As far as therapy and changing habits, I think if you're open to listening to suggestions and are clear with your therapist what your goals are it can help keep you accountable. I wish I had done more than just "talk therapy" and focused more on progress etc during my sessions. Something more concrete.
If you like reading this is an amazing book on how to make changes in habits:

Amazon product ASIN 0385528752
if you rather just listen to a talk:



I hope this helps

 

[maru.]

As resistant as I was for years (and honestly now I've regressed a lot), I finally got in the habit of working out, eating healthy, and meditating in 2018 and while I still had emotional issues (crying a lot but for different reasons than normal) I felt much much more comfortable in my own body and my energy levels were higher than they had been in forever. I also finally got into things that I enjoyed such as art and dance. As for the habits you have that aren't "healthy" per se, I don't think you need to totally cut them out but just find a balance. Maybe cut down on the self pleasuring or have it be a reward for doing something productive you did. If you start eating healthier it doesn't mean you can't treat yourself sometimes. And honestly at least for me it can make those things even better when you don't over do it - and I even start to lose interest. Once I start eating healthier, for example, I start to have a distaste for really crappy food. If I get in the habit of crappy food I crave it but when I start to eat more wholesome home cooked less processed meals I am reminded of how much better I feel afterwards and how much tastier it is. It's not easy to change habits, but once you get the momentum started, it makes it easier to continue.

As far as therapy and changing habits, I think if you're open to listening to suggestions and are clear with your therapist what your goals are it can help keep you accountable. I wish I had done more than just "talk therapy" and focused more on progress etc during my sessions. Something more concrete.
If you like reading this is an amazing book on how to make changes in habits:

Amazon product ASIN 0385528752
if you rather just listen to a talk:



I hope this helps

I'm thinking of locking college for a year and coming back later, dedicating a year just for myself, but i'm not sure, because my main coping mechanism, and the only one i think it's not unhealthy, is the love i have for my friends, if i do this, they'll be a year ahead and we won't see each other as much anymore, won't talk as much, i know this because one of our friends did it this year and, naturally, we're not really in touch with him as much, i don't want to lose them, but to do these things, dedicating time and effort for myself and my physical and mental health, i can't have anything else going on i think, i can't keep up.

I don't know what to do.