Story Abuse, trauma & suicide.

[onlyway96]

So first thread post and I guess I just wanted a way to share my story and let other people know that they aren't alone in what they're feeling.

For most of my adult life I've been depressed and suicidal. I'd suffer with terrible anxiety sweat attacks that have held me back my whole life, any kind of scenario I wasn't totally comfortable in I'd burst out sweating, like someone had poured a bucket of water over my head it was horrible.

3 months ago I had a vasectomy. Being pinned down and told not to move while someone does painful things down there triggered some horrific childhood trauma and I spent the next 2 weeks screaming shaking and crying as I remembered more and more things that had been done to me.

My parents drugged me and invited people to rape me for money and made videos of me being hurt. Different places different people different times. They were part of some fucked up pedo ring. I was raped by my dad and his pedo mates for potentially a decade I don't know exactly when it stopped. My mother was complicit in all of this, after I started fighting back a bit too much she began drugging me with pharmacy strength drowsy hayfever and travel sickness tablets.

The sick fucks have abused me in every way. They made me financially reliant on them so I could never leave even when I wasn't living with them. I've spent my whole life trying to be as strong as I can, hold it all together never say how I'm feeling, I didn't matter. I felt weak and inadequate my whole life. I didn't remember anything about their abuse I thought I had a great childhood and my parents loved me. I aspired to be like my dad.

To survive I protected what I could in the only ways I could find, going vegan to save the animals and looking after my friends the best I could and quietly lived depressed and suicidal waiting for my parents to die so then I could kill myself. I didn't want to do it while they were alive cos I didn't want to upset them. That's how much control they had over me.

I told them I knew what they had done and to never contact me again. They came to my house at night and made my wife feel scared in her own home. When I was saw my mother at my gate I saw the face of evil.

They're just living their lives now a few miles down the road perfectly happy as if nothing has happened, respected in the community, while I'm totally powerless putting my final plans in place.

I tried so hard to keep going and move on, it did feel so liberating being free from them and their control but that's gone now I can't come back or see a way out from what's been done to me I just want to die it's all I think about now. I know killing myself means they win but they've already won, they've taken everything from me the only thing I have left now is autonomy over my body and when I chose to die.

I've stopped working out, socialising, cut my food consumption right down (I have loads of body image shame/dysmorphia shit) and only really leave the house to pick up my medication (weed). My mind and body are getting weaker everyday preparing to die.

My wife had to take quite a bit of time off work to look after me the last few months which has resulted in us getting in a load of debt meaning I can't kill myself until I can fix that for my her, I can't leave her with a load of debt caused by my psycho parents.

I start a job next week which I'm really not well enough for but it's my only way out, I think in about 3 months time I should be able to resolve the debt and then I can finally be at peace. I'm v lucky I have access to guns so method is taken care of.

Appreciate anyone who's taken the time to read this, it helps just getting it off my chest. To anyone who's been a victim of abuse I believe you and it's not your fault, I'm here if you need anything.

 

[aitouka]

Hey, I was also a victim of sexual assault so I sort of understand you - of course mine was not as bad as yours, but I still want to assure you that you are a deserving human being. Being treated like that is disgusting, horrible and (insert all the crappy words here). I hope you will be able to clear your debt soon, and when you do, please consider again before CTB. You deserve respect, and despite your past and how the world treats you, this fact will be ever standing.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, it's so cruel and horrible to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I hope you find the peace you search for.

 

[Baisley]

You have endured a lot of trauma in your life. That is not an easy thing to deal with. Your parents instead of protecting you betrayed and abused you. Have you ever sought out therapy for this? What you're parents did and allowed to happen is criminal acts. I am so sorry for all your pain.

 

[onlyway96]

Hey I'm really sorry you've had that happen to you I know what that pain feels like.
Thank you for your kind words I really appreciate it I just don't see a way back from this now it's too big and dark and painful, I hope things work out for you.

You have endured a lot of trauma in your life. That is not an easy thing to deal with. Your parents instead of protecting you betrayed and abused you. Have you ever sought out therapy for this? What your parents did and allowed to happen is criminal acts. I am so sorry for all your pain.

I've thought about therapy and my wife really wants me to, a few weeks ago I thought it was an option but therapy is for help staying alive and I just can't face living any more. I can't see how 2hrs a month with a therapist is gonna make me feel any better it's just too big. When I go I'm going to plaster everything my parents did to me over social media in the hope maybe at least my passing will bring the spotlight onto them and everyone will know what they have done. Thank you for commenting I really appreciate it.

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, it's so cruel and horrible to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I hope you find the peace you search for.

Thank you, all want is just some peace from this pain.

 

[Manfrotto99]

Thank you for sharing your story. I too am here because of family abuse. Mine was not physical like yours. But abuse impacts us in all ways, spiritual, mental, physical and emotional. I cried reading your post, I understood what you feel and say. The denial and wanting to pretend our family care, that it is not as bad as we imagine, I mean how can it be when others think they are such good people and in doing so placing blame and accusations onto ourselves. Trying to make sense of it and pretending that are family love us and dont mean us harm, while they are doing just that. How it confuses and messes with out mind and reality. How they keep us trapped financially to control and manipulate us. It has taken me into my 50's to acknowledge how manipulative my family are and that real evil does exist, not just in horror movies, but sometimes in our own families. I truly wish there was another way out for both of us x

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for what you went through. It's so sickening that people act this way towards children but for parents to do it just adds a whole other level of evil. It's no wonder this has affected you so deeply. I'm so sorry.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Damn dude. Terrible. I have no words. I was abused as a kid too, but not nearly to that extent. Only one time.

I know killing myself means they win but they've already won, they've taken everything from me the only thing I have left now is autonomy over my body and when I chose to die.

Damn bro. I feel you on this. At a certain point, the only power we have is over our own lives. I feel the same. I have some demons on my tail, and they're not stopping. Only thing I feel I can do is ctb to escape. Even if that means they'll win. They will always win. They have all the resources and all the power. And what your family did to you. Shit. Talk about power and control. That past can never be removed. The power and control they asserted, you can only take back in the future. Have you considered ayahusca or shrooms? They are supposed to be good for PTSD.

They're just living their lives now a few miles down the road perfectly happy as if nothing has happened, respected in the community, while I'm totally powerless putting my final plans in place.

It's crazy how these people can get away with such awful things, and they still remain respected members of the community. My family is similar. They are snakes in the grass, and willfully gleeful about that fact. My family members actively wore snake shirts, happy to identify in that way. I wonder if yours also put up a facade of holiness and goodness to mask their evil. It feels to me the people who appear the cleanest are often the dirtiest.

My wife had to take quite a bit of time off work to look after me the last few months which has resulted in us getting in a load of debt meaning I can't kill myself until I can fix that for my her, I can't leave her with a load of debt caused by my psycho parents.

Well it's hard as hell to find, but just saying. SA doesn't leave a trace. Might not look like ctb if you were careful about disposal. And anonymous with the purchase. Your wife might appreciate the insurance.