I have no where else to really discuss my issues where I would feel safe to do so.
I have always struggled with my mental health and suicidal thoughts since I was maybe 11 or 12. I have tried to kill myself by overdosing a few times, but never enough to kill me. Most of those times I feel like it was definitely a cry for help while feeling uncertain. Also, the fear of accidentally crippling myself scares me.
I met a guy three years ago and we began as friends with benefits. I would see C maybe once every other week and we wouldn't message between. We got a lot closer and spent more time together until 8 months later we became official. Only a week together and he slapped me around the face because I "looked at him funny". I still stayed with him regardless and considered it a one off and a couple of weeks later we went to Spain. During this time I found out he was diagnosed with non-organic psychosis. In Spain he saw a message from a friend telling me she did not like I went abroad with him - she did not think I would be safe with him. He got very angry and aggressive, to the point he pushed me down the stairs. We got back home the next day and had some time apart, but he continued to be controlling. He love bombed me, criticised my appearance and weight and did not allow me to speak to friends. His mum and family knew everything, but they blamed me for his relapse and told me I deserved it all. Around that time, his mental health got worse and so did mine. I got more suicidal and he got more psychotic, but we relied on each other and spent almost every moment together. His family tried to separate us. At first they would lock me in his house, threaten me, belittle me, call me names. When it didn't work, they took his phone and blocked me and we did not have any contact. He reached out and we would secretly meet. He would call us Romeo and Juliet. To which I later found out they followed me and us and would record our interactions and had been doing this our whole relationship. His family would come to my house and threaten me and my family to the point we had to call the police. Eventually, he was sectioned in a psych ward and we stayed in contact over the phone and messages. I supported him mentally and he relied on me a lot with how bad he was. When he was discharged, he stopped his family coming to his and only wanted me there. He would keep me up at night, manic, at one point holding a knife to my face. I lost my temper at one point because he would not take medication or try and sleep and it was affecting my work. The next day his mum took his phone, blocked me and moved him to a different city. I did not hear from him in weeks until he came down my street. He walked hours to mine after his family had assaulted him. His family, mainly brothers and dad, physically attacking and strangling him. He stayed at mine, but when he would go back to his own home, they would be there and would smash his phone, strangle him, and lock him in his house. I tried to support him the best I could and he relied heavily on me and I was doting on him. I blamed his family for our relationship and how far they would go to have us seperated and stop communicating. I went on holiday with my family that summer and found out he cheated on me. It was the first time I felt heart broken and he blamed his mental health. He also blamed his family for encouraging him to cheat when he was vunerable and lacked capacity. I did not believe at first until I became friends with his older brothers baby mum. She had a restraining order against him for violence. We got to talking about our trauma and she witnessed the stalking, physical abuse, threats and the encouragement of cheating, He still allowed his family to take control and dictate his life. They would get his sectioned when they could not directly get to me and even planted drugs in his home and called the police on him to get him arrested. He was cuckooed and lived with me and my family for a while. Earlier this year, we were watching a movie and the police came and arrested me. It was for GBH against him, even though he has never been harmed by myself before. I was locked up and bail was put in place for no contact. I was at the lowest place in my life. All of the physical abuse from him, the harassment from his family and the stalking - his mum used this as a way to go against me and keep us apart. When the case was dismissed for not enough evidence, we talked again. I did not feel the same. I was distant and did not feel safe or comfortable being with him even though I loved him. He hated we did not go back to how we were before - spending every moment together. He promised to cut out his family and commit to us, but he never did. He gets angry and short with me and has been in and out of the psych wards. One of the times he was kept for longer as he physically assaulted and hospitalised someone as I did not see him one day. He has continued to struggle with self control and has physically and sexually assaulted me (this has been recurrent throughout the relationship, but recently it has got worse). I took a secret recording of one time and sent it to the police. They said they can arrest him for non-fatal strangulation etc. I have said to him several times the past couple of months the relationship should finish. I cannot cope with his family, the threats and the fear for my wellbeing, nor his abuse. Instead, he gets violent and threatens to kill me if I ever left him. He gets very descriptive and has also tried acting on it. I still love him and somehow do not blame him for how this relationship turned out, but I cannot have him arrested. He is not mentally well, he does not have good role models in his life either. If he gets arrested, his family will try attack and continue to stalk and threaten me. They will find out my work place and try and continue to make sure I die. They have told me several times before I should kill myself and I would be better off dead (while recording it and laughing at me). If I just have a restraining order, he will get very angry and violent. He is too mentally unwell to care. He has assaulted police in the past and whether it is due to mania, adrenaline or the fact he body builds, tasing and restraining him hasn't always worked.
I am working with a domestic hotline who says they can put me in refuge, but I do not want my family to know. I don't want them to worry. I don't want to leave them. However, I was told with the risk I am in, I would need to move to a different city for my protection. The police cannot prosecute for malicious intent by his family, even with all of the evidence, Which ever route I take against any of them will cause physical and potentially fatal harm against me. There are several other incidents of assault, threats and harassment which I have not mentioned.
I have got to the point now that I can only get out of this from suicide. I cannot fight and defend myself. If it does not affect me physically, I cannot get a job and they will follow my every move. I could have C arrested easily to protect myself, but his family would ruin my future. There is no future for me. I am constantly on edge and at risk. I cannot keep living in fear. I should have justice, not run away from what other people do. I have always wanted to kill myself and I feel like I am finally at the end of my road. There is nothing left for me. I have no friends any more. I have no one I am close to. My work is not positive for me either as they make fun of me, my mental health, spread rumours and mock me. Especially my boss. I cannot get a new job due to my record now. There is nothing else in my life that I can get from it. I want to kill myself, but I do not know where or how or when. Running away is something I have always wanted to do, but the fear of what could happen to me or my family is too much and I can no longer live in fear for my life and my future.
There is no more future for me. Dying is what is best for me. By my own hands and not by anyone else.
I have always struggled with my mental health and suicidal thoughts since I was maybe 11 or 12. I have tried to kill myself by overdosing a few times, but never enough to kill me. Most of those times I feel like it was definitely a cry for help while feeling uncertain. Also, the fear of accidentally crippling myself scares me.
I met a guy three years ago and we began as friends with benefits. I would see C maybe once every other week and we wouldn't message between. We got a lot closer and spent more time together until 8 months later we became official. Only a week together and he slapped me around the face because I "looked at him funny". I still stayed with him regardless and considered it a one off and a couple of weeks later we went to Spain. During this time I found out he was diagnosed with non-organic psychosis. In Spain he saw a message from a friend telling me she did not like I went abroad with him - she did not think I would be safe with him. He got very angry and aggressive, to the point he pushed me down the stairs. We got back home the next day and had some time apart, but he continued to be controlling. He love bombed me, criticised my appearance and weight and did not allow me to speak to friends. His mum and family knew everything, but they blamed me for his relapse and told me I deserved it all. Around that time, his mental health got worse and so did mine. I got more suicidal and he got more psychotic, but we relied on each other and spent almost every moment together. His family tried to separate us. At first they would lock me in his house, threaten me, belittle me, call me names. When it didn't work, they took his phone and blocked me and we did not have any contact. He reached out and we would secretly meet. He would call us Romeo and Juliet. To which I later found out they followed me and us and would record our interactions and had been doing this our whole relationship. His family would come to my house and threaten me and my family to the point we had to call the police. Eventually, he was sectioned in a psych ward and we stayed in contact over the phone and messages. I supported him mentally and he relied on me a lot with how bad he was. When he was discharged, he stopped his family coming to his and only wanted me there. He would keep me up at night, manic, at one point holding a knife to my face. I lost my temper at one point because he would not take medication or try and sleep and it was affecting my work. The next day his mum took his phone, blocked me and moved him to a different city. I did not hear from him in weeks until he came down my street. He walked hours to mine after his family had assaulted him. His family, mainly brothers and dad, physically attacking and strangling him. He stayed at mine, but when he would go back to his own home, they would be there and would smash his phone, strangle him, and lock him in his house. I tried to support him the best I could and he relied heavily on me and I was doting on him. I blamed his family for our relationship and how far they would go to have us seperated and stop communicating. I went on holiday with my family that summer and found out he cheated on me. It was the first time I felt heart broken and he blamed his mental health. He also blamed his family for encouraging him to cheat when he was vunerable and lacked capacity. I did not believe at first until I became friends with his older brothers baby mum. She had a restraining order against him for violence. We got to talking about our trauma and she witnessed the stalking, physical abuse, threats and the encouragement of cheating, He still allowed his family to take control and dictate his life. They would get his sectioned when they could not directly get to me and even planted drugs in his home and called the police on him to get him arrested. He was cuckooed and lived with me and my family for a while. Earlier this year, we were watching a movie and the police came and arrested me. It was for GBH against him, even though he has never been harmed by myself before. I was locked up and bail was put in place for no contact. I was at the lowest place in my life. All of the physical abuse from him, the harassment from his family and the stalking - his mum used this as a way to go against me and keep us apart. When the case was dismissed for not enough evidence, we talked again. I did not feel the same. I was distant and did not feel safe or comfortable being with him even though I loved him. He hated we did not go back to how we were before - spending every moment together. He promised to cut out his family and commit to us, but he never did. He gets angry and short with me and has been in and out of the psych wards. One of the times he was kept for longer as he physically assaulted and hospitalised someone as I did not see him one day. He has continued to struggle with self control and has physically and sexually assaulted me (this has been recurrent throughout the relationship, but recently it has got worse). I took a secret recording of one time and sent it to the police. They said they can arrest him for non-fatal strangulation etc. I have said to him several times the past couple of months the relationship should finish. I cannot cope with his family, the threats and the fear for my wellbeing, nor his abuse. Instead, he gets violent and threatens to kill me if I ever left him. He gets very descriptive and has also tried acting on it. I still love him and somehow do not blame him for how this relationship turned out, but I cannot have him arrested. He is not mentally well, he does not have good role models in his life either. If he gets arrested, his family will try attack and continue to stalk and threaten me. They will find out my work place and try and continue to make sure I die. They have told me several times before I should kill myself and I would be better off dead (while recording it and laughing at me). If I just have a restraining order, he will get very angry and violent. He is too mentally unwell to care. He has assaulted police in the past and whether it is due to mania, adrenaline or the fact he body builds, tasing and restraining him hasn't always worked.
I am working with a domestic hotline who says they can put me in refuge, but I do not want my family to know. I don't want them to worry. I don't want to leave them. However, I was told with the risk I am in, I would need to move to a different city for my protection. The police cannot prosecute for malicious intent by his family, even with all of the evidence, Which ever route I take against any of them will cause physical and potentially fatal harm against me. There are several other incidents of assault, threats and harassment which I have not mentioned.
I have got to the point now that I can only get out of this from suicide. I cannot fight and defend myself. If it does not affect me physically, I cannot get a job and they will follow my every move. I could have C arrested easily to protect myself, but his family would ruin my future. There is no future for me. I am constantly on edge and at risk. I cannot keep living in fear. I should have justice, not run away from what other people do. I have always wanted to kill myself and I feel like I am finally at the end of my road. There is nothing left for me. I have no friends any more. I have no one I am close to. My work is not positive for me either as they make fun of me, my mental health, spread rumours and mock me. Especially my boss. I cannot get a new job due to my record now. There is nothing else in my life that I can get from it. I want to kill myself, but I do not know where or how or when. Running away is something I have always wanted to do, but the fear of what could happen to me or my family is too much and I can no longer live in fear for my life and my future.
There is no more future for me. Dying is what is best for me. By my own hands and not by anyone else.
