Accepting I can't ctb

[mrtime87]

The worst feeling is knowing I want to kill myself but can't. My health is only going to get worse but it's hitting me that there realistically is no way for me to kms.

I have a rope to hang myself with but it's the thought of having to choke for 7 minutes that slowly hits me. I know my Si will kick in and I won't do it.

Regarding my health, my problems come from years of neglect and are quite embarrassing.

I slowly accept im going to be homeless and suffering, and the only thing I can do is own my mistake and try to repent as best I can.

I'm not even sure if this is a recovery post or simply just admitting defeat, but deep down I look at older people and slowly realize I've been depressed my whole life and wanting to die young.

Now I'm 38 years old and knowing I'll never live that long and fulfilling life all these older people have, and it hurts knowing it's my fault.

Bad things happen, but in my life I can't blame circumstances. I graduated first in my high school class, went to college, but sadly was a terrible worker who thought good grades was enough to secure a good life.

Sadly, I never got out of the mindset that bad stuff wouldn't happen to me, and now it's becoming, yes, this is happening to me.

I know God forgives, that there's heaven to look forward to, but down inside it's bittersweet finally saying I want to live to old age only to know and see that my life will deteriorate as this happens.

Life certainly is precious, and I couldn't get over my self hatred enough to really enjoy it. I wish there was a painless way to end my life and simply go away, or buy a house where I can hide and lay low.

I have to accept what I'm going thru and hope that people still accept me because my health really is that bad. But I know I can't ctb, for better or worse.

It's not fair, but then again,.maybe the people who do kill themselves deep down know they felt pain and couldn't get over what they were going thru.

I just wish I had a healthier mindset in my 20s and recognized that I was depressed and gotten help. Instead it was ill just kill myself if things get bad. Boy was I wrong.

 

[ur8ndom]

Self hatred is an extremely heavy burden to carry. I feel you. Some mistakes are hard to forgive if not unforgivable. Living with the consequences of our actions can make us loath ourself and it's a hard place to be in. The only way to get out of this place is make up for it which seems impossible sometimes.

 

[mrtime87]

Self hatred is an extremely heavy burden to carry. I feel you. Some mistakes are hard to forgive if not unforgivable. Living with the consequences of our actions can make us loath ourself and it's a hard place to be in. The only way to get out of this place is make up for it which seems impossible sometimes.

Yes. I know there's a saying from Jesus in the bible that for the wicked there will be weeping and gnashing of the teeth. Essentially, people who messed up in life will be angry with their choices they made.

That's how I feel.

I almost died from hypothermia after getting kicked out of a homeless shelter last winter and now have to go back to the said shelter. My biggest fear is dying from being out in the cold, but with my health getting worse I might be asked to leave again.

I have a disability check but can't secure housing which is the biggest problem. I can't forgive my mistakes, but I can't figure out why I made these simple mistakes, like not seeing a dentist.

Ive had these holier than thou thoughts since childhood but now am in serious water and suddenly want to live to old age knowing I probably won't.

If I had simply had that mindset I would be fine right now and that's the hurt I have to live with the rest of my life, knowing I could've done better but was so hateful of myself didn't realize I could just change my behavior and ask for help.

I honestly don't know if there's any way of getting better other than accepting that suicide is indeed painful, and that no matter how bad I want to hang myself, will have to live with the consequences of not taking care of myself.

If there is a heaven or hell, I deep down want to be in heaven and be a better person, regardless of how long I have left to live or how bad my body deteriorates.

 

[Sulyya]

For what it's worth, I also believe as you do. You seem like a good soul, despite the mistakes in your life. If you can make some positive change for yourself, I think it would be for the best, even if it feels impossible. Doing so is appreciating the gifts that you do have.

Best of luck. Have hope, even a tiny bit.

 

[mrtime87]

For what it's worth, I also believe as you do. You seem like a good soul, despite the mistakes in your life. If you can make some positive change for yourself, I think it would be for the best, even if it feels impossible. Doing so is appreciating the gifts that you do have.

Best of luck. Have hope, even a tiny bit.

Thanks :(

 

[kyhoti]

Best of luck with this. Wrestling with God, repentance, salvation, redemption, sanctification and forgiveness is a meaty task. My advice? If you feel the call to move forward, heed it as best you can. Grasp at joy and gratitude, however small. May you find peace on your journey.

 

[mrtime87]

Best of luck with this. Wrestling with God, repentance, salvation, redemption, sanctification and forgiveness is a meaty task. My advice? If you feel the call to move forward, heed it as best you can. Grasp at joy and gratitude, however small. May you find peace on your journey.

Thanks. I feel my future will not be good sadly. Like I said, I'm not sure if I'm even in recovery or slowly coming to accept that suicide isn't realistic.

I found a passage about a man named Esau who tried to repent too late and sadly that's my situation. Too many should'ves that force to just accept I was a bad human being who unfortunately didn't find religion until after I messed things up.

I wish I wasn't so ungrateful of everything God gave me, but at least I can go down with a sinking ship trying not to be too negative.

I do have a mother who helps but like the Bible says, our body is the most important thing, and I let Satan work thru me.

I thought suicide would get me out of this, but when my exit bag failed I was dumbfounded and made an ass out of myself, alienating everyone in my trailer park.

Sadly, my mother is probably getting an apartment and if I go back to a homeless shelter am unsure if I'll ever find my own place.

I'm on disability but have a criminal record that will take a while to expunge, and with my illness, might not even get that chance.

Death is real, and suicide is a form of murder that I can't even commit. Maybe with pills, but the more I think about hanging myself the more my brain knows I won't do it.

What hurts is knowing I could have prevented this by seeing a doctor but became so stubborn and in denial of reality that I fooled myself into thinking I was fine.

Now I get angry looks at hospitals from other people and simply feel shame over a mistake from 17 years ago.

I've grown since then, but like Esau, can't change this no matter how much I change my behavior.

Karma sucks but hatred is hard to deal with. I can't forgive myself and I struggle with the future, simply trying to enjoy the present.

All I know is that suicide is easy to say and harder to perform. I'm not a drug addict and I can't ensure torture trying to get out of my situation . It won't work.

I actually tried to suffocate myself with a plastic bag over my head and handcuffs behavior and my back, and that was terrifying. I almost died this way before I got my right hand out of the cuff that wasn't completely right.

I imagine hanging is the same way, and a gun even more so.

We reap what we sow, and I knew God wouldn't let me get out of these consequences.

 

[kyhoti]

Recovery is possible. Its just a shit-ton of work. Even the thief found paradise. Thats my two cents.

 

[mrtime87]

Recovery is possible. Its just a shit-ton of work. Even the thief found paradise. Thats my two cents.

Yeah lol right before he died. He's actually a saint :) it's comforting, but he still died.

I think I have a chance at paradise, but here on earth I'm going to be feeling a lot of pain. It's become my the why me situation, and this could last for a long time.

It sounds horrific, but I probably have syphilis that beas never treated. Once I figured out I probably had it I slowly began to accept that I couldn't kill my way out of it. That's what hurts, because I simply said this couldn't happen to me and now it is, and I'm not sure the shelter will put up with it.

I guess it will be a day by day situation of trying to accept that sometime mistakes are pretty bad.

I for sure thought my exit bag would work, and after that failed slowly came to accept that without some serious changing of Ohio law, am going to have to live with these consequences.

But if I were on that cross, I took would be begging Jesus to take me with him.

 

[kyhoti]

I believe you're onto it when you say it's a day by day thing. If we wake up, we have another shot at it. I usually go through my day 15-30 minutes at a time. Sometimes one breath at a time, breathing through the pain. My time is coming, as it comes for all of us.

 

[mrtime87]

I believe you're onto it when you say it's a day by day thing. If we wake up, we have another shot at it. I usually go through my day 15-30 minutes at a time. Sometimes one breath at a time, breathing through the pain. My time is coming, as it comes for all of us.

That's the worse, playing future scenarios. I honestly got it down to dying in a house. Im fine dying young, but I just want to be in a building.

I tried hypothermia and it's brutal.

 

[Little_Suzy]

I'm glad you want to live and are reaching out for help. There are places where you can live with a disability check.

If you abuse substances, have a violent personality, or are unable to be alone with others, communal housing is not for you. Enroll in a program to secure a warm place of your own before winter arrives.

You need to get a penicillin shot. What's holding you back?

 

[kyhoti]

I had a relative die of hypothermia (alcohol related), and I damn near did the same thing on my porch a few Decembers back. Glad I didn't, as my kids were home at the time. So many overdoses, so much wasted time. It is what it is, I suppose.

I plan to go somewhere outside, so that there's dirt to soak up the inevitable mess. Someplace I can hear the frogs chirping, and see some stars. It's a comforting thought.

 

[mrtime87]

I'm glad you want to live and are reaching out for help. There are places where you can live with a disability check.

If you abuse substances, have a violent personality, or are unable to be alone with others, communal housing is not for you. Enroll in a program to secure a warm place of your own before winter arrives.

You need to get a penicillin shot. What's holding you back?

Ive taken medication but I waited too long to get tested. My tests don't even show I'm positive for it so I'm not diagnosed,, but I'm pretty sure it's what I have because of the symptoms.

There is a program for housing but I have a criminal record and was disqualified. I would have to wait until I can clear that up.

I'm fine with the shelter but when they see my health problems they might say no. It's just how the shelter is.

I had a relative die of hypothermia (alcohol related), and I damn near did the same thing on my porch a few Decembers back. Glad I didn't, as my kids were home at the time. So many overdoses, so much wasted time. It is what it is, I suppose.

I plan to go somewhere outside, so that there's dirt to soak up the inevitable mess. Someplace I can hear the frogs chirping, and see some stars. It's a comforting thought.

Frostbite scares me.

 

[Little_Suzy]

Ive taken medication but I waited too long to get tested. My tests don't even show I'm positive for it so I'm not diagnosed,, but I'm pretty sure it's what I have because of the symptoms.

There is a program for housing but I have a criminal record and was disqualified. I would have to wait until I can clear that up.

I'm fine with the shelter but when they see my health problems they might say no. It's just how the shelter is.

Frostbite scares me.

Get checked out by a doctor if you want to go back to the shelter! If you took the medication, it cleared the infection, which is why you tested negative.

You have a steady monthly income and appear to be familiar with the system, which is a plus. Go make new friends! You can seek support from churches, AA meetings, (recidivism) peer-mentoring, and so on. Be good, and people will help you.

 

[mrtime87]

I tested negative before I took the medication :(

It's my fault and there's honestly not much I can do about it. I ignored warning symptoms because of unhealthy attitude towards medicine.

Like I said, I wouldn't feel so suicidal if I wasn't sure what it was. Now I have to deal with embarrassment and fear.

In my 20s I honest to God simply said this wouldn't happen to me. Fear clearly didn't work. I was very arrogant and not ready to be a responsible adult, and that mistake is catching up to me at 38 years old.

 

[suffering_mo]

Good for you. I'm sorry for your sufferings but it sounds like you have an intact mind and still have quality of life and you are finding the positives. Someday, hopefully, you will have a place of your own. It's really good to hear you want to live. I wouldn't wish this feeling of "needing" to end it on anyone.

I have always been of the mindset that life is precious but for me now, it is unbearable, tortured pretty much every minute in multiple ways. I also wanted to live, and was only trying to improve my health but I have been utterly destroyed within months and am suffering horrendous. I wish I never had access to "good healthcare". I would have been much better off overall living in a 3rd world country.

 

[mrtime87]

Good for you. I'm sorry for your sufferings but it sounds like you have an intact mind and still have quality of life and you are finding the positives. Someday, hopefully, you will have a place of your own. It's really good to hear you want to live. I wouldn't wish this feeling of "needing" to end it on anyone.

I have always been of the mindset that life is precious but for me now, it is unbearable, tortured pretty much every minute in multiple ways. I also wanted to live, and was only trying to improve my health but I have been utterly destroyed within months and am suffering horrendous. I wish I never had access to "good healthcare". I would have been much better off overall living in a 3rd world country.

I can relate. Sometimes we extend life but by doing so extend our suffering. It's even worse when you're homeless and struggling to find transportation to these healthcare appointments.

 

[AAE]

We reap what we sow, and I knew God wouldn't let me get out of these consequences.

Jesus wouldn't have told us to love our enemies if he didn't also think we should be nice to ourselves. He wouldn't have died to save us if we were all meant to be doomed anyway.

The reason we suffer on earth isn't because we're all "sinners", but because all of humanity has free will and those in power use it to push the weak and poor down. Jesus said the last will be first in Heaven. He also said blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Don't think so badly of yourself, accept the forgiveness which is there for us. And don't listen to those who preach doom and punishment, they forget that Jesus was the last sacrificial lamb, for all of us, and that he not only spoke up against hypocrisy but that he literally said to let the one who is free from sin throw the first stone.

I'm so sorry for your situation. God bless you and may you find peace, one way or another.

 

[mrtime87]

Thanks f

Jesus wouldn't have told us to love our enemies if he didn't also think we should be nice to ourselves. He wouldn't have died to save us if we were all meant to be doomed anyway.

The reason we suffer on earth isn't because we're all "sinners", but because all of humanity has free will and those in power use it to push the weak and poor down. Jesus said the last will be first in Heaven. He also said blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Don't think so badly of yourself, accept the forgiveness which is there for us. And don't listen to those who preach doom and punishment, they forget that Jesus was the last sacrificial lamb, for all of us, and that he not only spoke up against hypocrisy but that he literally said to let the one who is free from sin throw the first stone.

I'm so sorry for your situation. God bless you and may you find peace, one way or another.

Thanks for the kind words. This made me feel a little bit better.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Thanks. I feel my future will not be good sadly. Like I said, I'm not sure if I'm even in recovery or slowly coming to accept that suicide isn't realistic.

I found a passage about a man named Esau who tried to repent too late and sadly that's my situation. Too many should'ves that force to just accept I was a bad human being who unfortunately didn't find religion until after I messed things up.

I wish I wasn't so ungrateful of everything God gave me, but at least I can go down with a sinking ship trying not to be too negative.

I do have a mother who helps but like the Bible says, our body is the most important thing, and I let Satan work thru me.

I thought suicide would get me out of this, but when my exit bag failed I was dumbfounded and made an ass out of myself, alienating everyone in my trailer park.

Sadly, my mother is probably getting an apartment and if I go back to a homeless shelter am unsure if I'll ever find my own place.

I'm on disability but have a criminal record that will take a while to expunge, and with my illness, might not even get that chance.

Death is real, and suicide is a form of murder that I can't even commit. Maybe with pills, but the more I think about hanging myself the more my brain knows I won't do it.

What hurts is knowing I could have prevented this by seeing a doctor but became so stubborn and in denial of reality that I fooled myself into thinking I was fine.

Now I get angry looks at hospitals from other people and simply feel shame over a mistake from 17 years ago.

I've grown since then, but like Esau, can't change this no matter how much I change my behavior.

Karma sucks but hatred is hard to deal with. I can't forgive myself and I struggle with the future, simply trying to enjoy the present.

All I know is that suicide is easy to say and harder to perform. I'm not a drug addict and I can't ensure torture trying to get out of my situation . It won't work.

I actually tried to suffocate myself with a plastic bag over my head and handcuffs behavior and my back, and that was terrifying. I almost died this way before I got my right hand out of the cuff that wasn't completely right.

I imagine hanging is the same way, and a gun even more so.

We reap what we sow, and I knew God wouldn't let me get out of these consequences.

I really feel what you've said here. I foolishly thought if life got too bad ctb would be an easy out but that hasn't turned out to be the case. The Esau story feels similar too. I've taken it to a level of absurdity by researching time travel and the occult. I even pray and try to beam messages to myself in the past. I did have a parent that took actions to ruin my life but I'm more angry at myself for not seeing it for what it was earlier. What I thought of things being hopeless in my youth are infinitely compounded now in my 40's. I'm not ready to ctb yet but I have to rally some kind of optimism in order to handle my daily affairs' which is hard.

 

[eden101]

 

[MaidenException]

Thank you for sharing your story; you're a beautiful writer. A lot of what you said resonated with me— my health is also in decline but I am still alive, whether that's from SI or just plain weakness of character, I cannot say.

I really wish this world would give you the chance you do desperately deserve. It sounds like you're still trying to learn and make your way, but you keep getting kicked down. I wish we lived in a society that allowed people to make mistakes and recover because I think with your sharp mind you would thrive.