DandiFynalicious
Existence is Pain
- Dec 18, 2023
- 28
Trying to recover. I had a few weeks where I thought my bus was imminent but that goddamn survival instinct gets me. So I trudge on.
My therapist has me working on an ACT workbook to learn to accept my feelings and work with them rather than running away from "bad" feelings and chasing "good" ones. So far my task of paying attention to my inner critic and being curious about them is just making the "voice" of the critic louder.
I am supposed to ask the critic:
Why are you here? How are you helping me? What do you need from me?
So far in response my critic has given me either silence or abuse.
Meanwhile I've been feeling so anxious it is hard to concentrate anyway. I have had too much caffeine but that's not the only factor. I've lost stuff this year and my ED decided that it is actually truly back again. I missed it and now I'm like..."Oh no" but I'm also like "yaay" and ...
...I don't know what I am expecting of myself. Do I want to be healthy or not? How can I learn to regulate my emotions when I am slowly starving myself? Why am I happy and sad about it at the same time? I thought I was over this.
Losing control of my life is the obvious trigger for the ED and my dog just had a small crisis which triggered anxiety and makes my heart feel like it is doing flips. Plus my insomnia is like, "hey guess what? DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME BITCH WE'LL SLEEP WHEN IT GETS DARK BEFORE 8PM! HAHAHAHAHAHA"
I know I need to eat. Keep telling myself I will feel better if I do. I have food. It is ready. Just go eat. Just eat the fucking food. One thing at a time. Feed the meat mech. It needs fuel or you can't recover. I will sleep better if I eat.
I feel so defeated in general right now the idea of starving feels like winning. Sick, sick, sick thoughts.
My anxiety medicine is starting to help. I need to eat. Maybe some oatmeal and fruit would feel okay. My inner voice is worrying about carbs saying I should make shrimp and veggies or have eggs because we need protein but right now it all sounds nauseating. I need to get myself to move but I'm stuck at the moment.
My therapist has me working on an ACT workbook to learn to accept my feelings and work with them rather than running away from "bad" feelings and chasing "good" ones. So far my task of paying attention to my inner critic and being curious about them is just making the "voice" of the critic louder.
I am supposed to ask the critic:
Why are you here? How are you helping me? What do you need from me?
So far in response my critic has given me either silence or abuse.
Meanwhile I've been feeling so anxious it is hard to concentrate anyway. I have had too much caffeine but that's not the only factor. I've lost stuff this year and my ED decided that it is actually truly back again. I missed it and now I'm like..."Oh no" but I'm also like "yaay" and ...
...I don't know what I am expecting of myself. Do I want to be healthy or not? How can I learn to regulate my emotions when I am slowly starving myself? Why am I happy and sad about it at the same time? I thought I was over this.
Losing control of my life is the obvious trigger for the ED and my dog just had a small crisis which triggered anxiety and makes my heart feel like it is doing flips. Plus my insomnia is like, "hey guess what? DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME BITCH WE'LL SLEEP WHEN IT GETS DARK BEFORE 8PM! HAHAHAHAHAHA"
I know I need to eat. Keep telling myself I will feel better if I do. I have food. It is ready. Just go eat. Just eat the fucking food. One thing at a time. Feed the meat mech. It needs fuel or you can't recover. I will sleep better if I eat.
I feel so defeated in general right now the idea of starving feels like winning. Sick, sick, sick thoughts.
My anxiety medicine is starting to help. I need to eat. Maybe some oatmeal and fruit would feel okay. My inner voice is worrying about carbs saying I should make shrimp and veggies or have eggs because we need protein but right now it all sounds nauseating. I need to get myself to move but I'm stuck at the moment.
