Advice needed asap, never felt so lost might ctb soon

[lemonadeandgrapes]

Hi! I've been lurking for a couple days and made an account literally five minutes ago. I really have some things I need to get off and hope you can provide an objective view point because I am so confused and scared and tbh never felt so low. Some facts about be is I am 18, a girl, in year 13 of school in england. I have ADHD and suspected autism (confirming this summer) and have had an eating disorder on and off since 11, alone with a period of self harm at 14 and then again at 17.

Basically, I am in year 13 which is the final year of school and we have exams called a-levels (british friends you'll know haha) and was predicted A* A A and got into LSE which is within the top 3 universities in the UK and one of the top in the world, as well as several other universities which my parents have been super proud I have gotten into. But I know that after these exams which I have basically all sat apart from 1, I know I will not be getting the grades I need to go to these universities, or any universities so be honest. I had extreme anxiety throughout the exams as well as hallucinations that came from these, nobody knows and I feel so useless that I failed exams where I KNOW I was an A* student. A-level resitting is a thing and there are several people who have gotten into the top universities doing so, but I feel so fucking ashamed having to go to my parents and saying I failed and to my teachers and to everyone and everyone knowing. Especially since I go to a private school where people are so crazily smart it makes me feel horrendous knowing what happened. Resitting is something which is a thing for A-levels, especially if you have extenuating circumstances but at the same time I feel so inferior that I am having to do it, and I am so scared that universities (top ones) won't take me. As some for medicine and law won't, but still there are loads that do (even oxford) and I know it sounds stupid but I need to go to a top university, my cousin goes to cambridge, my friends are going there and to Imperial and UCL and other top unis and I need to go too, it is a matter of literally my life goals. And having to face my teachers and family and saying I need to resit is so fuckign scary. I don't know whether to tell my head of year what is going on tomorow (day before my last exam) or wait until results day. I feel so scared and so fucking useless. I haven't spoken to my mom or anyone else in my family or even seen them for so many days, as I have been up in my room.

I have been thinking of ctb for a couple days now, and I have previously been suicidal for a couple of years, although passively suicidal rather than actively. Although there were periods of time I would sort of look up different avenues of ctb but I think I had never looked into it as seriously as now. But I have had one attempt previously at 15 or so, when my dog died I tried hanging myself from the door with a belt, looking back I don't think that was a serious attempt because bro it was the worst set up and no way was I going to die from it. But now I have been seriously considering three options, 1) cliff or bridge, specifically the Clifton Suspension bridge or Beachy Head, 2) SN, 3) Inert gas, specifically helium.

The thing is, I have periods of about ten minutes thinking yea this is what I am going to do, if I were on a bridge right now I would jump, if I had a glass of SN I would drink it straight away. But then I have periods of no, I can fix this, I can do stuff to make my life better, don't kill my self. I still have the chance of resits, even if It looks fuckign pathetic for a year, I still have teh chance to end up in these top universities. But at the same time, what If i don't, what If I'm not fucking enough (sorry for the swearing by the way.)

Everytime I think of ctb it brings me peace, but when I really think of it I feel horrendous and I don't want to, or maybe I do and I'm too much of a weak person. That's why I have been thinking of jumping for a while becasue I know I can't back out of jumping, once I step off Beachy head, I can't fly back the 530ft cliff. So maybe I am irrational in wanting to actually die and I am just scared? Or maybe I do want to die and this is just SI and I need to get over the SI and conquer it?

Death also comes with the problem of I am scared of the after, what it means to die is so scary for me. Every memory I have will be dispersed into a universe which is so random that nothing in my life matters after death. I say my life as if I will even be a thing after death. I will miss my mum and my dog and my dad and my family so fucking much and I will miss the fact that I had the oppurtunity to still get into a top university all becasue I was scared I wouldn't be able to (i don't even know if that makes sense.) I have such a longing for someone to say, this will be ok, I will guide you, you still have a final shot.

This idea that I could just put off my ctb until I have reapplied with my resitting of alevels and see how that turns out, if I do get a place in a top university then fuck all the stigma and fuck ctb as I would be ok and actually want to live. So I can always have ctb as an option if I can't. But at the same time I also just want to ctb and get it over with, don't even try and just jump.

I am scared of living and yet I am scared of death, this perpetual limbo that suspends me between what is and what is to come feels like a fist shoved down my throat. Begging me to die yet compelling me to live, twisting my insides so that I have nothing but anxiety brewing with any decision I take. Everything feels so wrong and every action is definite. A perpetual longing for reason and meaning and hope yet a plague of just end it and get it over with seems to grip my thoughts and very fibres of existance. I could stand on the edge of a cliff and free fall to the bottom, yet I would have left my mind at the top. Is my decision truly the result of the calling of death or the result of an anxious mind that contemplates life to be too hard and so death is the only remainder. Am I truly desiring the after or longing for a better now. Perpetually straddled between the now and the then, too afraid to die yet too willing to live.

Please, someone, anyone give me advice. I am so lost and I feel like I want to die. I want to book tickets to the bridge or the cliff and just jump. SN would have been an option but I am in the uK and access is hard, as well as the fact I think I would end up calling for help and I don't want to live after an attempt (I don;t think anyway.)

-LemonadeandGrapes

 

[Apathy79]

My 2c:

Here's what I would say about being an adult. You're going to fail. A lot. When you get into Uni, you're probably going to fail subjects there. When you start working, you'll fuck up constantly. Probably cost your boss more than your annual salary at some point. You're not perfect. It's going to happen.

And do you know what pretty much every successful person ever talks about constantly? How often and badly they failed along the way. Those times they lost everything, not just for themselves but everyone around them. And had to start again.

I'd view it this way. This sounds like the biggest failure you've had yet. That's a learning opportunity. How do you handle it? It's not going to be the biggest in your life, and even in just a few years from now, how you handle it will matter way more than the failure itself. Failing is part of life. The perfect image of Straight As, into top GPA through Uni, into perfect employee and later boss, it's not real. The people who end up doing the best fail early and often and learn more from how to deal with that than they ever could have without that challenge.

Resit the exams. Use the extra year to decide what you really want to do with your life. You not only get the lesson others will have to learn harder later, but you get extra time to really think about where you want to go.

To add a personal flavour, I didn't fail in high school, but I did rush into selecting my Uni courses, because how else are you supposed to do it? I studied all year and had to pick something. Then I got there and didn't like it. But pushed on, because otherwise I've wasted a year haven't I? 5 years later I finished and graduated and moved into a career I didn't like. Now what? 2 years after that I quit. And all that education from my whole life up to that point? It never got used again. I wish I failed high school, didn't get into Uni, had to resit, and had that extra year to really work out what I wanted from my life.

Good luck with it. It's not going to be easy. The first real humbling experience like this is the hardest. But it is going to be worth it. And with hindsight down the road, you may even see it as a good thing.

 

[askmeifimatree]

It's okay. you are lovely, everything you have described can be fixed so don't make irrational decisions. It's not worth it.

 

[botanormal]

It truly sounds like you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. You have already achieved so much, you know? You say you're an A* student already, which means you've already put so many hours of effort & time into your education. I know it can feel like being put under a burning spotlight, when you have everybody around you pursuing such high goals too. But you're experiencing anxiety, and right now you're struggling under the weight of it - there's nothing wrong in that. I do hope that you can talk to somebody about this, like for example your head of year as you considered. But please don't stress about what your results are for right now, just try to clear your mind (as hard as it may be), and sit your final exam. If you need to resit? There is absolutely nothing shameful or wrong about that. You already mentioned that it would be possible to go to a good university with resits, so you know that even if you don't get the scores you desire this time, there is always next time. Sometimes life feels so incredibly stressful, that we tell ourselves suicide is the one thing that can save us. But you have so many goals & reasons to continue living, I wonder if you truly want to die, or you just want to relieve the pain of this horrendous anxiety you're being placed under? Regardless, those feelings are more than valid, and nothing will take away from that fact. But I would really encourage you to talk to somebody about it. It's clearly eating away at you, and nobody should ever need to feel such intense pressure to success, especially when I truly believe you are so successful already.

My best friend used to be an A student, and her mental health struggles really dropped her grades in the last couple years of school - but right now, age 21, she's doing something she genuinely really loves doing. Those "less than perfect" grades didn't stop her of achieving her dreams, they just altered the path slightly. The path may have been different from her peers, but it was the path right for her, because her situation was different. Please don't let this anxiety of not achieving the top grades stop you from pursuing your own dreams. You can still reach them, even if you go a different route. But even as of right now, you don't know what grades you will end up getting, so try your very best not to become too overwhelmed with these feelings, okay? And if you would like advice, I really do wish you to talk to someone about it & not let your mind race with overthinking. You seem like a lovely person, and I'm wishing you all the best & virtual hugs your way!

 

[DTA]

Like Botanormal said, you may wind up taking a different path, but that doesn't make you a failure, no matter what anyone says.

Given your stated desire to please your family and instructors, you should ask yourself who you're really doing this for. Are you trying to please them or yourself? If it's the former I can promise you will end up miserable. You can never catch that horse. If you truly want the path of prestige for yourself, then ask if the anxiety is worth it.

Remember that if you CTB you are throwing away all that you worked for thus far. There is a peaceful rest beyond this world, but you'll have still wasted effort. Since you're really having suicidal ideations, and you must on some level be aware of the fact that you'd be throwing your work away, I get the feeling you aren't doing this for you.

I won't advise you to CTB or not. It's your life. But that's the key: it's YOUR life. No one else's. If you're going to put yourself through this stress, make sure it's for the right reason!