Advice on forgiveness.

[Scrubs2016]

Ok, so, I was in prison for 4 years. Long story short, it was something stupid, no one got hurt. So i'm inside and for the first 5/6 months messages every other day, then once a week then once a month and then about 18 months in the calls and messages from my wife stopped coming in. Then I don't hear anything for a while, then I get a few messages, then nothing, then one, then none really till the last week I get out.

So I get home, I notice things have changed, little things, like there seems to be no real interaction, distance, no sex {wasnt much to start with, overweight / disabilities}, going out to see her friends at odd times during the day when they are at work, generally feeling that I have done something wrong. Well seen as we have been married for over 10 years, going out for 15+ and generally I can read her quite well, so I knew something was up {i know, i'm not a genius, bloody obvious if you ask me}. Then my son lets slip this bloke has been calling and texting mummy a lot. So I ask her point blank and she confesses there is something going on but it wasn't serious and he is married. Nothing really happened. {Hands up if you have heard this before}. So then I ask her for her phone.... well, it's not nothing, a lot has happened and I need mind bleach because of the photos and videos. She cries, tells me I can have a divorce, tells me it was nothing, tells me that is was short, except the pictures are all over the last 18 months..... So I said, fine, phone him and tell him its over. She does and I think that's it. I forgave her and said the past is the past we need to move on. Then she starts texting him and asking if he's ok and shes sorry, etc. Now today I find out she has bought another sim card and is using an old phone. So now I think it's still going on....

The other thing is, I had to really grow up in prison, do things I am not proud of and engaged in violence although I really hate it. I feel I may have grown away from her and I am only just seeing that she may have grown away from me. I am now more independent, I can stand on my own against bullies {i was bullied from age 5-20 at school/college}, this made me very submissive. I learned to fight, even though I am in a wheelchair. {gives me a tactical advantage, nut shot F.T.W.} Before I went in my anxiety was so strong, I was a virtual shut in for over 3 years and kept getting crippling depression. I rarely did anything for myself. Now I can cook, clean, look after a household, go shopping, deal with crowds and I did my Electricians exam inside to level 3 among about 20 other certificates, I enjoyed learning in there. I came out better than when I went in... I think.

So the question is this, how many times should I forgive her, should I forgive her again, am I being soft, what the fuck am I going to do, etc... I have honestly though of CTB many times in the 3 months I have been out and now I cant eat or sleep, my stomach is twisting in knots. Don't want to go back to the massive depressive spells again.

Any advice would be helpful even if its just a or a . Thank you.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Wow, that is a very difficult situation. Experiences like what you've been through really do change people, for better or for worse. It seems good that you were able to develop those skills, despite the fact that you were in prison.

Hmm... Just my two cents, and keep in mind I'm young and no expert whatsoever... I wouldn't want to give someone another chance after they cheat. I'm suspicious of that burner phone, too. I'm so sorry you had to find out the way you did. Hearing something like that from your own son (who sounds very young) is absolutely brutal.

I'm not sure what else to say, and I'm sorry. Based on this information alone, I don't think it's a good idea to stay with her. I wouldn't be able to trust her again tbh...

 

[Life_and_Death]

Yeah she's most likely not going to change.

I'm sorry I wish I could say more but.... I'm just sorry for what she's doing to you

 

[Miss_Takes]

I dont really believe in forgiveness because to me it seems to assert some moral superiority that I do not have over anyone.
I do practise acceptance and self responsibility though.
I accept others are different to me, do things that i feel painfully, are not the human beings I need them to be ... but I take responsibility for everything I allow into my life and only I can decide when I move on from them.
For me that makes it easier. When I move on I try to do so without hurt or malice for both of us.

 

[140 bpm]

I think you mostly answered your question by yourself.
4 years - long time and everybody has physical and emotional needs. Life keeps going, while you out of it. So it's more about acceptance than forgiveness, in case when both sides desire to continue.
As you said, you may have grown away from her and she may have grown away from you. It's ok to realize and accept that you guys probably ran out of your time. You just simple different people already. She's not the person who you loved, and you're not the person who she married.
You've changed a lot, right? Got new skills, became stronger. You've passed the worst part already. ( I can relate to it, I know what is get freedom again feels like).
So it look's like you're strong enough now to let it go.

 

[Grav]

I think it's time to move on. To me (take it for what it is) if she really wanted to be with you in a committed relationship she wouldn't have gotten the 2nd phone going. Have you thought of how it would go? Who would your son stay with? You sound like you know what is the story so at least not oblivious to it. I usually don't forgive but then again people who have done something like that to me don't change. It looks like your time was spent productively and you're able to handle things on your own and have skills that you can use, good job! Probably best to move on and let it be in the past.

 

[lost_soul83]

Ok, so, I was in prison for 4 years. Long story short, it was something stupid, no one got hurt. So i'm inside and for the first 5/6 months messages every other day, then once a week then once a month and then about 18 months in the calls and messages from my wife stopped coming in. Then I don't hear anything for a while, then I get a few messages, then nothing, then one, then none really till the last week I get out.

So I get home, I notice things have changed, little things, like there seems to be no real interaction, distance, no sex {wasnt much to start with, overweight / disabilities}, going out to see her friends at odd times during the day when they are at work, generally feeling that I have done something wrong. Well seen as we have been married for over 10 years, going out for 15+ and generally I can read her quite well, so I knew something was up {i know, i'm not a genius, bloody obvious if you ask me}. Then my son lets slip this bloke has been calling and texting mummy a lot. So I ask her point blank and she confesses there is something going on but it wasn't serious and he is married. Nothing really happened. {Hands up if you have heard this before}. So then I ask her for her phone.... well, it's not nothing, a lot has happened and I need mind bleach because of the photos and videos. She cries, tells me I can have a divorce, tells me it was nothing, tells me that is was short, except the pictures are all over the last 18 months..... So I said, fine, phone him and tell him its over. She does and I think that's it. I forgave her and said the past is the past we need to move on. Then she starts texting him and asking if he's ok and shes sorry, etc. Now today I find out she has bought another sim card and is using an old phone. So now I think it's still going on....

The other thing is, I had to really grow up in prison, do things I am not proud of and engaged in violence although I really hate it. I feel I may have grown away from her and I am only just seeing that she may have grown away from me. I am now more independent, I can stand on my own against bullies {i was bullied from age 5-20 at school/college}, this made me very submissive. I learned to fight, even though I am in a wheelchair. {gives me a tactical advantage, nut shot F.T.W.} Before I went in my anxiety was so strong, I was a virtual shut in for over 3 years and kept getting crippling depression. I rarely did anything for myself. Now I can cook, clean, look after a household, go shopping, deal with crowds and I did my Electricians exam inside to level 3 among about 20 other certificates, I enjoyed learning in there. I came out better than when I went in... I think.

So the question is this, how many times should I forgive her, should I forgive her again, am I being soft, what the fuck am I going to do, etc... I have honestly though of CTB many times in the 3 months I have been out and now I cant eat or sleep, my stomach is twisting in knots. Don't want to go back to the massive depressive spells again.

Any advice would be helpful even if its just a or a . Thank you.

I am sorry to say, but I feel that if you want to have a decent life and be happy, you need to leave her. It's obvious to me she doesn't care about you as much as you care about her. You deserve to be happy, go for it!

 

[Makko]

This is theoretical but if I ever went to prison and came out changed the way you were, I wouldn't want to go back to my old life. I'd want to build a new life that suits the new me. That includes building new relationships with people that are compatible with the new me, and dropping old relationships with people that are no longer so.

 

[woknows]

You were gone for four years. I am not surprised she has found someone else. Simple as that.

As for now. I guess you two have a choice to make. Do you want to be together and work on your relationship or not.

 

[papulin]

I'd like to chime in here b/c I have such great interest in human romantic relationships and women. Relationships are very hard, I think it is difficult for anyone to reasonably expect monogamy in a long marriage, regardless of whether it's the man or woman. Temptation is always there, and as someone else wrote, we have natural physical and emotional needs.
I am in neither of yours' shoes, but I think it would be nigh impossible to expect full faithfulness if you were away for four years, be it incarceration or you were away at war for your country.
I think the question to ask yourself is whether you think the relationship and emotional intimacy can be rehabilitated.
Obviously, this is a site about suicide ideation and recovery, I struggle myself... but I think God wants you to be able to forgive yourself and in that, to be able to forgive your wife. The question is ... is she ready to also make a renewed effort to truly restore emotional intimacy with you? She clearly still loves you, the question is whether she can leave behind this chapter and refocus on being together with you.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Ok, so, I was in prison for 4 years. Long story short, it was something stupid, no one got hurt. So i'm inside and for the first 5/6 months messages every other day, then once a week then once a month and then about 18 months in the calls and messages from my wife stopped coming in. Then I don't hear anything for a while, then I get a few messages, then nothing, then one, then none really till the last week I get out.

So I get home, I notice things have changed, little things, like there seems to be no real interaction, distance, no sex {wasnt much to start with, overweight / disabilities}, going out to see her friends at odd times during the day when they are at work, generally feeling that I have done something wrong. Well seen as we have been married for over 10 years, going out for 15+ and generally I can read her quite well, so I knew something was up {i know, i'm not a genius, bloody obvious if you ask me}. Then my son lets slip this bloke has been calling and texting mummy a lot. So I ask her point blank and she confesses there is something going on but it wasn't serious and he is married. Nothing really happened. {Hands up if you have heard this before}. So then I ask her for her phone.... well, it's not nothing, a lot has happened and I need mind bleach because of the photos and videos. She cries, tells me I can have a divorce, tells me it was nothing, tells me that is was short, except the pictures are all over the last 18 months..... So I said, fine, phone him and tell him its over. She does and I think that's it. I forgave her and said the past is the past we need to move on. Then she starts texting him and asking if he's ok and shes sorry, etc. Now today I find out she has bought another sim card and is using an old phone. So now I think it's still going on....

The other thing is, I had to really grow up in prison, do things I am not proud of and engaged in violence although I really hate it. I feel I may have grown away from her and I am only just seeing that she may have grown away from me. I am now more independent, I can stand on my own against bullies {i was bullied from age 5-20 at school/college}, this made me very submissive. I learned to fight, even though I am in a wheelchair. {gives me a tactical advantage, nut shot F.T.W.} Before I went in my anxiety was so strong, I was a virtual shut in for over 3 years and kept getting crippling depression. I rarely did anything for myself. Now I can cook, clean, look after a household, go shopping, deal with crowds and I did my Electricians exam inside to level 3 among about 20 other certificates, I enjoyed learning in there. I came out better than when I went in... I think.

So the question is this, how many times should I forgive her, should I forgive her again, am I being soft, what the fuck am I going to do, etc... I have honestly though of CTB many times in the 3 months I have been out and now I cant eat or sleep, my stomach is twisting in knots. Don't want to go back to the massive depressive spells again.

Any advice would be helpful even if its just a or a . Thank you.

Forgiveness only gives people license to keep behaving in hurtful ways. I give people exactly one chance, if they fail me, they are as good as dead to me. I give a second chance only to people I truly care about.