i'm afraid to enter into romantic relationships out of the fear that i will corrupt a potential partner. i've only just realized this, previously believing that i had gynophobia, when in reality i fear that i will never meet the expectations placed upon me by others. these expectations consist in being able to function normally, providing value in some way, etc. expectations are met upon making the initial step (because of appearance), and are subsequently broken down by personality, so even if women take interest in me, it's irrelevant. i become too nervous to do anything, since i can't separate the fact that something intimate might develop from the interaction at hand. it's partly the reason why i failed once in the past, an experience which changed my perception of myself.
my inexperience only becomes worse when most people my age have had some form of intimacy with another. so really i have no place intervening on the relationships that normal people foster with eachother. it would be like an animal disguised as a human trying to form a relationship with another human. the fact of codependency means that we expect certain things of our partner, and are consequently conscious of the perception of others which reinforce certain aspects of a relationship: since i can only anticipate that a potential partner will be concerned with judgement, it would be disingenuous to manufacture socially desirable traits which lack the underlying chemistry needed to sustain a relationship. after all, i cannot relate to people on any level whatsoever.
moreover, i'm a deviant. a degenerate. not in the sense of sexual promiscuity, but that my addiction to pornography has tainted how i view sex in society, and consequently my desires, which disgust me, are inevitably tied to this. i neither objectify nor depersonalize. i simply do not want to corrupt something which i perceive as untainted by depravity, and even if they secretly hold vices in some way -- as most people likely do -- it is essentially promiscuity and not necessarily sexual ineptitude, at least in cases where there are expectations to begin with.
this has lead to me developing a fear of intimacy, and hence why, even if given attention, can never progress into a relationship. i'm essentially what incel communities would call a mentalcel or volcel, though i don't really desire to use that language. this in conjunction with my social ineptitude contributes to the feeling that i am utterly inhuman.
has anyone had similar thoughts?
my inexperience only becomes worse when most people my age have had some form of intimacy with another. so really i have no place intervening on the relationships that normal people foster with eachother. it would be like an animal disguised as a human trying to form a relationship with another human. the fact of codependency means that we expect certain things of our partner, and are consequently conscious of the perception of others which reinforce certain aspects of a relationship: since i can only anticipate that a potential partner will be concerned with judgement, it would be disingenuous to manufacture socially desirable traits which lack the underlying chemistry needed to sustain a relationship. after all, i cannot relate to people on any level whatsoever.
moreover, i'm a deviant. a degenerate. not in the sense of sexual promiscuity, but that my addiction to pornography has tainted how i view sex in society, and consequently my desires, which disgust me, are inevitably tied to this. i neither objectify nor depersonalize. i simply do not want to corrupt something which i perceive as untainted by depravity, and even if they secretly hold vices in some way -- as most people likely do -- it is essentially promiscuity and not necessarily sexual ineptitude, at least in cases where there are expectations to begin with.
this has lead to me developing a fear of intimacy, and hence why, even if given attention, can never progress into a relationship. i'm essentially what incel communities would call a mentalcel or volcel, though i don't really desire to use that language. this in conjunction with my social ineptitude contributes to the feeling that i am utterly inhuman.
has anyone had similar thoughts?
