TheGoodGuy
Illuminated
- Aug 27, 2018
- 3,056
It was mindblowing for me to listen to this video and what Alan Watts have to say about death and ever since I heard saw the video it gave me a great comfort that I will just seize to exist after death no pain, suffering or peace just nothing like before we were born, but for some time now I have felt a great deal of dread knowing that I will seize to exist and I will never experience anything more in life.
I am too broken both physically and also mentally with 5 years of apathy and anhedonia and social anxiety so I won´t experience anything more out of life my life ended a long time ago and I have just been existing ever since and it´s so tragic because I come from a loving family home with a big family and as a child we used to have friends over all the time so there was so much life and happiness and now I have such bad health both physically and mentally that I am confined to sit in my apartment year after year with no friends or social interaction and I don´t even have any hobbies left because of apathy.
My point is even though I know there are no chance of making anymore memorable moments in life there are still a bigger chance than if I kill myself because then my life will be over and it´s hard to think about "is this really it I am 25 years old and have just been confined to my apartment all alone for 5 years is this really all adult life has to offer me?".
On the contrary I might have had the best childhood in the entire world it was really THAT good and despite my horrible depression in my teens (14-20½) I had an amazing and interesting fun life I had many friends still, had an awesome style (Goth later street) despite the depression I could still feel emotions like sadness, excitement, nostalgia, and I had hope for so many things that made life worth living and I didn´t have apathy or anhedonia life was so exciting as a teenager but my social life ended at 17 and at 20½ when my depression went away it got replaced with apathy and anhedonia I haven´t lived or made any memorable experiences in my adult life so far, the twenties is where most people make their life long memories they live life and see the world and I have wasted my early to mid twenties to apathy and anhedonia through no fault of my own it´s just so unfair.
I really wanna die but I don´t wanna ruin my parents life of course and I also feel I should be able to experience more out of life like everyone else but I also often think to just 'suicide and reroll life' and hope to be reborn in a perfect body both health, looks and rich or to kill myself and just wake up as a child again to experience my childhood all over again in a never ended loop that would just reset every time I hit puberty of course these options are just desperate dreams and I will most likely just seize to exist so it´s just extreme hope/cope.
I am too broken both physically and also mentally with 5 years of apathy and anhedonia and social anxiety so I won´t experience anything more out of life my life ended a long time ago and I have just been existing ever since and it´s so tragic because I come from a loving family home with a big family and as a child we used to have friends over all the time so there was so much life and happiness and now I have such bad health both physically and mentally that I am confined to sit in my apartment year after year with no friends or social interaction and I don´t even have any hobbies left because of apathy.
My point is even though I know there are no chance of making anymore memorable moments in life there are still a bigger chance than if I kill myself because then my life will be over and it´s hard to think about "is this really it I am 25 years old and have just been confined to my apartment all alone for 5 years is this really all adult life has to offer me?".
On the contrary I might have had the best childhood in the entire world it was really THAT good and despite my horrible depression in my teens (14-20½) I had an amazing and interesting fun life I had many friends still, had an awesome style (Goth later street) despite the depression I could still feel emotions like sadness, excitement, nostalgia, and I had hope for so many things that made life worth living and I didn´t have apathy or anhedonia life was so exciting as a teenager but my social life ended at 17 and at 20½ when my depression went away it got replaced with apathy and anhedonia I haven´t lived or made any memorable experiences in my adult life so far, the twenties is where most people make their life long memories they live life and see the world and I have wasted my early to mid twenties to apathy and anhedonia through no fault of my own it´s just so unfair.
I really wanna die but I don´t wanna ruin my parents life of course and I also feel I should be able to experience more out of life like everyone else but I also often think to just 'suicide and reroll life' and hope to be reborn in a perfect body both health, looks and rich or to kill myself and just wake up as a child again to experience my childhood all over again in a never ended loop that would just reset every time I hit puberty of course these options are just desperate dreams and I will most likely just seize to exist so it´s just extreme hope/cope.
