Venting After a certain point, I stop being someone people like being around

[monetpompo]

whine whine whine bah bah bah i'm think gonna die alone!! ahhh!! (clocking into sasu to translate this into coherent thought)

I really want to be a cool hip friend that has hobbies, watches movies cool people like, and listens to cool people music, and can also drive so that I'm actually able to hang out with my friends. You think about me and you go like, "Gosh, he's so cool. How does he do it?" Instead I do almost nothing with my day besides sit outside lazily and watch youtube videos. I don't like reading. I get too anxious to watch movies even though I really want to. I don't like being alone but I'm nervous when I'm around other people but I need attention to feel like I'm a human person. I don't want to do gross things like hookup with people or do self harm again because it makes me feel good when no one's around. My mind is all jumbled and I'm 20, but I'm still 18. I'm still 16, I'm still 14. I'm still the same. My lack of hobbies because of my fear of failure makes me a stagnant and boring person. I don't do much at all but I still want to talk to people, even though I most likely contribute nothing to people's lives. It's so selfish and narcissistic of me to want company and to want to have conversations when I don't even have anything going on. I only have my 1 friend I reach out to consistently and I'm scared he doesn't even like me. I'm scared that this is really all there is and it's my fault because I never put that much effort into being alive, because I always wanted to die. I've always wanted to die and always thought I would die, even though I've never been close to it. If I keep saying these things, it won't change anything. No one will help me.

Living is anticlimatic and never what you expect it to be because nothing is ever as good as you imagine. You exist and you do things, but no one is ever like, "I'm so glad you're my friend!" or "I really appreciate you!" because you just exist. You're not entitled to anything because you're an adult and not an adult-sized baby. I want praise more than anything even though I've literally done nothing praise worthy in my life. I have two 3rd place essay competition awards, I have never had a successful job interview, and I ask the people around me if they want me to cut them off or if I'm bothering them. I don't feel appreciated because I don't need praise and I don't need to ask people to tell me I'm a good person. People are able to function without that. I like therapists the most when they're stroking my ego and telling me that "I don't deserve what happened to me" and "You're a great person", since that's really the only way I'll be able to hear that without it being pathetic. I know I'm not the most interesting friend. I know I just exist. I have average looks, an average voice, and matter the most to people when my clothes are off. I just wish I could be more of a human being. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or if I don't recognize some fundamental thing I'm missing in my life. I put my hands on my head trying to do any new hobby because I fail or get overwhelmed by it and then I don't feel motivated to pick it up again. It's not possible to die from laying down and doing nothing, but sometimes I think I can.

 

[Sunderland]

i've got a few years on you, i'm 24. you've got time to make a change, i feel the time slipping from me and i'm in the exact same spot as you. without condoning nor condemning, i understand.

 

[mariannelle]

i dont have any years on you and i am not wise enough to offer advice like the guy above me sorry. what you have expressed in this post is similar to emotions and stuff I have felt recently. I feel comforted that how I feel is not entirely my own; thank you. joy and glory. I wish you one hundred peace someday, and I hope that if you ever get peace you would be willing to share how you found it.

 

[StupidCat]

You seem like an interesting fella to me.

 

[monetpompo]

what you have expressed in this post is similar to emotions and stuff I have felt recently. I feel comforted that how I feel is not entirely my own; thank you. joy and glory.

thank you marianelle!!!!! and thank you for the follow!

​

i write about how much comfort sasu posts bring me when i relate to someone or when someone relates to me because my feelings can feel so isolating and foreign that it's hard to feel like it's possible for people to relate to me. people will just go, "i hope you feel better" or feel bad that i'm sad and that'll be it. it's such a weird uncomfortable feeling to vent to somebody that doesn't understand you. i'm sorry that you relate to how i feel but i'm happy that you were able to feel less alone by my post.

You seem like an interesting fella to me

i'm really prone to doing things performatively as motivation to do them in the first place. when i don't really have anyone to reach out to i stop wanting to do things in the first place because i'm spiralling lol. one of my favorite hobbies is watching movies but i've been too anxious/sad to pay attention to them (III╥_╥⁠)

 

[StupidCat]

but i've been too anxious/sad to pay attention to them

lol
Tbh, I can relate to most of the stuff you post. I'm also a stagnant piece of shit. I spend most of my days in my house doing nothing. Probably reading something useless and writing gay stuff. The only difference is that I don't crave human connection that much and my parents are poor so I have to carry my ass. But you express yourself so well I kinda envy that. I only write obscure poetry trying to convey what I feel.

 

[RestlessTaiga]

I feel the exact same thing, everyday I feel like time is slipping down my hands and I don't know what to do about It, it sucks...

 

[themisfell]

I can understand this. for me, it's all this marked by the deep seated trauma I have in myself. I'll be a little presumptuous but I'll assume you can relate too. it's miserable. there was a time, for a few years, where I had people I could lean on and respect, but all those bridges were burned due to various reasons. now I just spend all my days essentially moving through the motions and it makes me want to just fucking rip my hair out and die.

my point is, I'm really sorry. it's a miserable existence. at the very least, if you want someone to talk to about this kind of thing, I don't mind a pm. I get wanting to talk to people more, and I know this might sound slightly insincere but I do hope you feel better. just because we're on this forum doesn't mean I want other people to be miserable too. I hope at the very least writing this out was cathartic. I hope reading it over and having other people read it brings you some form of peace.

 

[711slushies]

Im not in the same boat, but a similar boat. I felt the most cared for I'd ever felt by people in my actual life when i was dying from an ED. a lot of love/care/praise issues of mine stem from that. I've been hospitalized 6 times for it, and have been recovered over a year now (and never want to do it again) but the longest hold up in my recovery was I'd purposefully relapse because it felt so much easier to become friends with other patients and get along with my family and feel genuinely supported by friends. But tricks get old, I fell out of contact with most other patients, friends gave up on me, and my family doesn't see it as something special anymore, even when I was actually closer to dying more recently with physical health issues.

I desire to feel loved and cared for and appreciated in the same way I mentally envision it going. I do believe i have some people in my life that do, but they don't to the extent that I want them to if that makes sense? but it always feels like im dancing in metaphors with my friends and expressing care. While its something that really sucks, its comforting to know that other people feel similarly. I always find it hard to talk about without sounding like an incel haha. like yes, i am well aware that everybody is well aware of my autism. But its so hard for me particularly to feel cared for to the extent i desire in any kind of relationship and I don't understand what specifically i am doing wrong that keeps giving me friendships that are only half a year at best and always explosive in the end. but also don't call it out super directly cuz that hurts and its never something i can use to actually change yk? And its like, everybody always says there will be somebody who likes and supports me for who I am to the fullest extent, but i've thought that about so many people and it just turned out they wanted me only for sex or only for homework help or only for xyz

And another thing is that i feel like a lot of the things that would make me more likeable or easier to digest are reliant on having support systems already set up. If im constantly overwhelmed because of everything i have to do on my own, of course im gonna be more agitated all the time. Its like i was set up for failure haha. and at some point it feels not even worth it to try because i don't even know where to start. and all of my achievements arent really achievements in my eyes. its more like if everybody starts at 0, im making my way back up from the negatives and since people dont see progress as an achivement and because im progressing in some areas and declining in others, it means nothing

yikes sorry to ramble on your thing, but i feel similarly to you. sometimes when its really rough i remind myself that appreciation also comes in the form of "this person sent me this meme because they saw it and thought of me", though i dont follow that all too often myself cuz i cant convince myself that thats true, so take it with a grain of salt

 

[monetpompo]

GOOD POST!! read this while doing my morning browse of the site. i appreciate anyone who replies saying they were able to relate to my post, since i like knowing i brought other people comfort. it really hurts to feel like this because it requires somebody to already feel isolated to think that other people's love "isn't enough" in some way, and it can sound like you're whining if you outwardly say "i want to be cared about more, people don't care about me". it's like you're taking every person in your life for granted. i always imagine some person saying, "and why should anyone care about you in the first place? huh??"

I desire to feel loved and cared for and appreciated in the same way I mentally envision it going. I do believe i have some people in my life that do, but they don't to the extent that I want them to if that makes sense? but it always feels like im dancing in metaphors with my friends and expressing care.

i have an ex i thought about earlier who made me feel really cared for when i was with him in person, but he was distant through text simply because he had a busy life. it made me so anxious that i would cry because i missed him and i would feel guilty that i missed him because i knew he was allowed to have a life. eventually i couldn't handle it anymore and had to cut ties with him, even if we weren't on bad terms, because i wanted someone that i could reach out to without feeling like a burden. i haven't talked to him since last year, but i still think back to some of the things he said to me because he was the most "healthy" person my mental illness had ever come into contact with. he told me i could still be loved even if people aren't always paying attention to me and that he still liked me even if we didn't see each other that often. i believed him but i still thought it wasn't true, since he could still not care about me as much as i care about him. an insane part of me just wants to be told someone cares about me over and over like i'm a baby that's afraid they'll vanish into thin air when they leave the room and i don't want them to stop existing. i'm always afraid someone will like someone else more than me. i feel very aware of when i'm not enough for someone or when someone wants "more" than me, and that's because i can't be someone's whole friend group or because they just have other people in their life, but how do i be more than myself? i feel like a part of me is never going to be enough and i think like that because of my mental illness ((but also it's supposed to be true on a social level?!?))

And another thing is that i feel like a lot of the things that would make me more likeable or easier to digest are reliant on having support systems already set up. If im constantly overwhelmed because of everything i have to do on my own, of course im gonna be more agitated all the time.

my sister has really good social skills. she always has friends to talk to. she's just better than me by a lot since she knows how to exist and how to do well. i've never had much of a support system ever. i don't trust the people around me and i always look standoffish by default. it's hard to navigate my feelings in my relationships and how people feel about me, if i'm acting in a way that makes people not like me. you'd already know if people like you if you had people to reach out to. i think my idea of love is more of a fantasizing kind where people pay a lot of attention to me and like hanging out with me, where i'm cared for and people worry about me. that's not something realistic. no one's going to do that except my parents, but my parents won't do that either. there must've been a feeling of euphoria from feeling so cared about while dying from your ED. that really would be when people care about you most. when i expressed my suicidal thoughts in the past it made my close friend really stressed and worry about me so i don't do it anymore, but i thought, "oh, this feels pretty good". it's pretty sick of me to want to be cared about so much that i'd like the attention i get from saying i want to die. it must be the closest you can get to parental love. i'm sorry that we both feel like this. i wish i knew how to be a normal person so i could tell everyone how to do it.

 

[PrettyWhiteFlower]

This is literally how I feel. But I have many many years on you. I have so many interests but I never actually do any of them. I'm just too sure I'll fail so I never even try. My house is full of things I bought on a high but then reality hit that I'd just embarrass myself and I shove them in a cupboard or something.