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crippled with grief
- Nov 8, 2021
- 335
Sorry for what feels like I am spamming this forum and thinking as though it is vital everyone hears all my inner ramblings. Luckily, this is my penultimate thread as I will not have anything left to express besides my goodbye thread. Anyway, this is my scheduled email to the love of my life but I thought I would share it with you guys because I want to finally liberate myself and express all my thoughts to the world as I obviously could never share this any other way to normal people.
I had planned this week in York for a while now. And I have had this email scheduled for just as long. It is timed for after the event occurred which happened sometime after midnight of the day you receive this. You may already know of the news depending on how fast the recovery team and police etc. have responded. Hopefully this has gone to plan and you already know by now so that this email is less devastating.
I am so sorry I have done this, I do not mean to hurt you. Please allow me to explain. I want you to be the one who I express everything to because you are the person I hold the closest out of everyone on this planet. This is an explanation of my entire thought process of months and months.
You were always right. I am intense, I am clingy, I am needy. I will never not be in disbelief that I am no longer with you. I think you have seen how calm I can be – perhaps even too laid back at times – but we both know that is only when things are going smoothly. Life unfortunately is not always like that and I cannot react like this every time there is a challenge. I have been so erratic, so self-sabotaging. I wish I was not like this because I know how unhealthy it is for everyone, but it is the brain I was blessed with.
These days, I now have this weird sort of anhedonia. You made me so happy and so energetic. I also know I have many things that used to make me happy that don't directly involve you but yet I don't see the point, the motivation, and I can't enjoy anything anymore if I know I can no longer tell you about the thing that is making me happy, the thing that I did, the goal I am working towards, the thing that I achieved, the emotion I felt, the new friend I made, or the thing I laughed at. Nothing interests me now. Nothing makes me feel. My dreams at night haunt me and I wake up scared. The memories of all the happiness, the love, every small cute thing you did are so vivid in my mind that they haunt me now I am so low. I miss your attention that made me feel so special, so good about myself. I wish my attention to you made you feel the same way. And despite having other good people around me, no one fills the empty void of loneliness that losing you created. I get sentimental and cry over the smallest of links and reminders back to you. You are like a family member to me, but I can't even talk to you. You are a part of the family and I have lost you. When I am struggling like I am now I want to see your face, feel your comfort, hear your words to make me feel better but I can't. I lost my best friend, my other half, my future. I cry myself to sleep every single night. I never feel a moment's calm at all. I am in a state of constant panic. I am a mess of a man, completely lost of his former self. In the pursuit of love I wrongly built my entire life around one person. I put all my eggs into one basket. And now I have lost everything. I would have changed every genetic fibre in my body to be with you but I know why you would not want that. We should be true to ourselves. The problem is I have never known who I am. I have always adapted my personality to suit the people around me because I have never known my own. I am mentally ill like that.
I miss enjoying things but I can't seem to fix it. I have lost all motivation to do anything but try and be with you and that is wrong of me. People lose the love of their lives all the time but the response to it is different. I don't blame you and I don't even blame the situation. The way I have been 24/7 over the past three months is clearly the result of a deep crippling general anxiety disorder, nothing else. I blame the brain that makes me unable to cope with the situation which is probably not even all that bad when you put into comparison all the crises someone can go through. I blame the brain that makes it impossible for me to connect with more than one person, to make friends, and to have social skills despite how much I desperately wish I did. I blame not being able to carry out the things that I know will make me feel better. I don't blame being heartbroken, I blame myself for being a boring, anxiety ridden person whose only ever true goal in life was to be somebody's favourite person, to share their life, to be somebody's top priority. I don't blame the fact you don't love me as much as I love you, I blame not being able to cope with loving someone more than they love me. I blame myself for being a romantic who considers the best day in his life a walk with his girlfriend. I blame my inability to shake off this awful pain, the constant sinking feeling in my stomach when I wake up, a pain that feels like being stabbed in the stomach repeatedly. I blame the horrible disease that is depression. I blame the horrible crippling pain of anxiety. I blame my need to have to share my entire life with one person in order to avoid the feeling of loneliness. I blame the way I need to live through other people. I want to get better and have tried and tried but I cannot get out of this mental hole without you. And that is so unfair on you and you do not deserve that massive responsibility. No one should have to have that responsibility. Previously I wouldn't have said I was co-dependent, I think I proved that with how I handled being alone over the summer, but now clearly I have got to the point where if we ever got back together I would constantly be relying on you and the relationship would never be the same again. You are right that after all this it would never work despite how much I wish it would. I would never work being with anyone again. I would always have these mental scars and I have accepted I would never be the same again. And even if I was the same again it wouldn't be good enough. The way I am I am so closed off and will never be able to express my emotions well enough. You have seen that already and my communication would never be good enough for anyone to deserve to be stuck with me. The smallest possibility that you return to me is the only thing that has kept me alive but I now realise that you are never coming back. I have turned you away for good. I have already been so weird these past few months. I have totally changed for the worse and I am only going to get more worse still.
I've come to realise that this world is just not for me. I am a socialist after all and this is a brutal individualistic society. Teachers, employers, social media influencers teach us that we can only truly focus on ourselves, improve ourselves, achieve optimal success if only we stop caring about everyone else. And that is true, that is the world that has been designed and you must be that way to survive. People only care when there is something in it for them and ultimately everyone is and always will be selfish otherwise they will fail. And this is not a criticism of you. Everyone is like this. Everyone in my life knew about what happened to me but not one person reached out to me except for a text of support which was only in reply to when I reached out to them. Not one get well soon card, not one bouquet of flowers, not one in-person visit, not one facetime, not one conversation about what they're up to in their life to distract me from mine. People you think you care for simply don't care that much back. Ultimately, I will always feel lonely in this world no matter what friends I have. I lied about reconnecting with my friends for my birthday because I thought if it seemed like I was doing better you would talk to me again. In truth I spent it alone and no one got me anything. I lied about being back on track with the gym and diet, in truth I have had no energy to do so. I have continued to lose muscle, and I look like a skinny teenager again. I have lost years of progress in months. And it would take years to ever get back everything I have lost in life. My whole identity has been stripped from me and I have nothing of my former self to improve and build upon. I have barely left my room, gone outside, or done anything but stay in bed these past 3 months. I am terribly depressed with no drive to work towards the things I once wanted or do the things I once did. I am constantly exhausted and eating the smallest amount of food makes me need to take a nap. I sleep 12 hours a day most days, even thinking about doing something exhausts me. I go a full week without showering. I am unfit, unhealthy, and have no motivation to do anything. I have all the signs of depression and it has ruined my life. The existence my brain has created for me is one I do not want. I loved life, I loved the things I once did and the person I once was, I loved who I was on track to becoming. And I am so sad I am going to die but I am in too much pain to avoid it.
I have tried everything to let go and to set you free from me holding you back but as you have seen I always end up trying to force my way into your life again. "Somewhere I got stuck on you". It's been a full term without you and I am still trying to do anything to see you again. I don't want to spend years on years hoping you will return. The only thing that kept me from doing this sooner was the potential of seeing you when I packed my things. It was the only thing that kept me going through the days. The only thing I was waiting for. The only thing I have the motivation to do. I wasn't coming here to move out that was just an excuse. I was coming here to see you. To have one last shot at becoming your friend again and saving my life. I can't talk to anyone else like I could to you. And I am on a path to nothing but being a harasser. All I want is to know what you are doing. To know how you are feeling. To know what you are thinking. What you are planning. Praying that you will miss me and want to catch up with me. To want to do something with me. To go on a walk or to go and grab coffee. I can't help but do this sabotaging behaviour that has ruined every nice thing I ever did. I have made the person who was the other half of me hate me. To feel uncomfortable about me. To think I am a creep and a weirdo. And I can't stop it. Nothing else works and this is the only way. It just turns out that I quite literally cannot live without you. And that is ok. I have made peace with that reality. And as much as I am sorry for the pain this will cause initially, this is why I have to do it; My only drive is to be with you and therefore I am scared that all my future has in store is harassing you, releasing my anger and desperation on you, and hurting you further. This is for myself in the sense I do not want to spend my days being known as the crazy, unhinged, bitter ex-boyfriend (which all our mutual friends and you probably already think by now) or even end up with a restraining order. I also don't want to have to spend every day fighting with myself to resist the temptation of using a second account to check your fitness page, check the increasing posts or follower count on your main page, check the uni and fax netball accounts and so on and on. But it is also for you. I am just making you feel uncomfortable. Making you feel unsafe. Like you are constantly being watched. If I am being honest you have a stalker in me. And I want the best for both of us and I don't want to hurt you any longer. I am a loser, I am a stalker and I am bitter about you being so happy and better off without me when I have completely fallen apart without you. And I don't want this bitter, loser stalker from keeping you from being better off. You have already moved on, already become better off, already no longer miss me, and it would be a shame if I brought you back into feeling shit again. I want you to be the happiest that you can be and I know this will cause pain at first but in the long run I believe you will be better off compared to if I was to be here. I have already seen how happy your friends have made you in these recent weeks, way happier than I ever did or would be able to.
We both promised we would never leave and I am sorry for letting you down on this. I know I could have carried on heartbroken and try and rebuild the pieces back in my life. But I do not want to. I just do not have the willpower anymore. I am tired and exhausted. I am too weak. I am in too much pain. I will slowly get stronger just for my mind to shoot me back down again and again. It will take me years just to function properly again. But I want so much more. I want a life I simply can't achieve anymore. So I am left with wanting to do this. And I believe this makes me a bad person. A selfish person. A coward. And I am sorry. I can only ask that you forgive me. But I believe it is the best thing for both of us. I always wanted you to be happy and I would do anything to make it happen, and this is what it takes. To me you are the most beautiful, sexiest, kindest woman on this planet. You are perfect. I will never have a better life than the one I had with you. I have peaked. And I have always been willing to die for you and this is one of those rare circumstances where the person must commit to that oath.
You were right when you gave me those reasons as to why you needed to break up with me. I did not express my love to you enough while we were together, only now. You were also particularly right about you being my everything and being too dependent. You were. You were my entire world. And leaving me has meant my whole world has come crashing down. My world is over.
I love you, Emily. And I feel so blessed to have experienced your love. It made me the happiest I have ever been. I guess I never realised how unfulfilled and incomplete I was before you came into my life. But now for the brutal truth of it all for the last and final time. I know in the end that for you it wasn't true enough love for me to be the right person to get you through this hectic stage in your life. But that doesn't change my feelings for you. I am in such awe of you that nothing ever could make me not think you are the most special person in the universe. You could commit the worst crime, you could have cheated on me and I would still think so. I am just that madly in love with you. Maybe that means I have zero self-respect but you truly were everything I have ever dreamed of. You were my other half. You were my soul mate. Happiness to me is sharing my soul with another soul and you gave me the chance to finally do that. Monday, 9 August 2021, our hike around Dovestones. Remember the date. I don't want people to memorialise the date I died, or the date of my birthday. Instead I want people to remember what was by far the best day in my life. Maybe that is sad and maybe you will think I am a helpless romantic for thinking that was that good but the truth is that day with you was the happiest I have ever been. You gave this loser a day which was greater than every other day combined. Those pictures remain long in my memory. I want you to let my parents know that I wish for my ashes to be scattered on the top of where we took those pictures. You were so good to me. Far too good for me. And I will never be good enough in return. You deserve so much better. You have grown so much over this last year and, even though I grew a little also, you have grown at a much faster rate than me and now you are way out of reach from me. You have developed into this more sociable personality and have a very high social status and social life at Uni. I on the other hand am still an anxious, lonely kid with no real friends. You have so much more to offer to me than I will ever have to offer to you. You have way more hobbies, interests, and friends to share with me than what I have got to share with you. I have already run out of my things in life to share with you and is why you have subconsciously got bored of me. Perhaps I was on track to gain more things in my life that I could have shared but it would have probably still been way too one-sided. You are way out my league. I always knew in terms of attractiveness that I was punching with you but I guess I was always in denial in thinking I was on par with you in other categories that kept you wanting me. You can do so so much better in every single aspect of a guy. Looks, physique, personality, socially, ambition wise, achievement wise, hobbies, things in their life to share, willingness to grow, comparability wise, everything. I know you said it wasn't ever about other people but whether you know it or not, deep down it is. And it is not even to say whether you want to date him or not but ultimately the things that being with me bring had already been started to be replaced by Ollie. What I brought; being your gym buddy, being the first person you would text in the morning, being the person you got coffee with, being the person you went to a study space with, being the person of similar interests, being your best friend, being the person you would tell your day about, being the person you went to for advice, the person who would help you when something went wrong, being the person you would tell your feelings to, being the person you shared clips on social media with, being the person you planned your next move with, being your main source of male attention – they had all been replaced by him. And that isn't even a bad thing in a relationship as you would expect things to be shared out across your many friends. But the reason you stay with somebody is because ultimately they have the one thing that no one else could offer which is that you love them as a person, you love their soul and their being. And the brutal reality is that you never loved me that way. You might have loved being with me and what being with me meant, but deep down whether you knew it or not you never loved me. It is why when you started to make friends you began to grow apart. You have already got so many better people to share out the things that you needed me for previously and I am glad. You deserve better. You are free to do so, you shouldn't be with someone who deep down you do not love. I think you did know that though but were to afraid to admit it. The other reasons were just justifications for it. Trust, care, and feeling the natural urge to spend time with someone are all things that aren't just lost rather they are built. When we first met we wouldn't have had those things and thus it can't be a reason that prevents people from trying again in a relationship as they are ultimately things which can be won back. The reality is that you never truly loved me. After we broke up you knew you couldn't deny the possibility that you two get together. Likewise, you went on a break with me and asked the question of me and Ollie: who is the boyfriend and who is the friend? And if you are having doubts that you needed to ask yourself that question the harsh truth is that it proves you never truly loved me. The question was answered the moment it was asked. That is life. That is the nature of those things and I do not blame you for listening to your nature. But it is also in my nature to feel devastated by it because I did truly love your soul. Every decision I made was around you. And it hurt me because I wrongly thought for the first time in my life that I was someone's favourite person. That I was someone's top priority. But I was only ever that temporarily during a year of covid when you had less priorities; less people and less things to do. As soon as life got busy and the priorities grew I got ranked lower and lower. In times of busy life and stress people naturally fall back to the things and people they care about and that are good for them and you did do that, but I was just not one of them. I was not a source of relief during hectic life. Netball, socials with the girls, deep chats with Kate, gym with Luke and Ollie all were. I am sorry I wasn't one of those sources. It really hurt that I wasn't. It really hurt I was never good enough. Once again I will never be good enough. And I can't help but try and try and prove my worth to you when ultimately what is best is that you avoid me and get closure from all these damaging, tortuous acts of emotional harm I am causing you. And you deserve that closure from me. You deserve to be left alone from me. And I love you too much to deny you that and being here would prevent it.
Even though I wasn't such a good person, I hope you will think of me by focusing on the good thoughts. I hope you remember me and the good times we had together. The growth we had as a couple. The things that we brought to each other. The things we changed about one another. The new hobbies we shared. The life we had. In the end I ran out of things to share with you and you needed to grow further. I was too madly in love with you but I didn't have enough to show for it. Yes, I wanted to do so much more with you but what we did do was amazing and I am so so grateful for it. It was the best time of my life and I am lucky to have lived it.
After hours and hours of pondering for months I have no doubt that this is my fate. One benefit of severe anxiety is that you are quite efficient when it comes to processing and working through every single thought, scenario, outcome, and possibility.
I can't handle being lonely. I can't handle being scared in this darkness. And I lost my battle with mental health. That is all. Maybe if you said you could come back to me at a later date like next year then it would have been enough for me as something to hold on to, a date to work towards, but saying that wouldn't be the truth. What would change next year? We would just be kicking the can down the road. Maybe we could have turned it around and worked and from the depths of despair created the greatest love story known to mankind. But it takes two to tango and ultimately you would be lying to yourself if you ever said you wanted to tango with me again. Even if you did what would your friends think of you coming back to me after everything. Everyone would judge you and say you are only doing this to save me. That I am manipulating you etc. etc. And you deep down would not want it. What I so badly want is a complete fantasy land. Something which only happens in the movies, not real life. I have finally accepted that.
My only last wish is that you move on, overcome this and stay happy because you deserve only the best.
Sorry you had to end up entangled in the life of someone like me. Of all the boys you could have picked you were unlucky enough to pick the 1% of us who are too mentally unstable to live like normal people. I am sorry for that.
- Jamie
(A song for if you ever want a reminder of me – one of my favourites. Love it nearly as much as I love Tame Impala!)
[a collection of poems I wrote in my final weeks are also attached] [https://1drv.ms/w/s!AhSihhPrU5OVj2kBp89xHIy5q-z9]"
I had planned this week in York for a while now. And I have had this email scheduled for just as long. It is timed for after the event occurred which happened sometime after midnight of the day you receive this. You may already know of the news depending on how fast the recovery team and police etc. have responded. Hopefully this has gone to plan and you already know by now so that this email is less devastating.
I am so sorry I have done this, I do not mean to hurt you. Please allow me to explain. I want you to be the one who I express everything to because you are the person I hold the closest out of everyone on this planet. This is an explanation of my entire thought process of months and months.
You were always right. I am intense, I am clingy, I am needy. I will never not be in disbelief that I am no longer with you. I think you have seen how calm I can be – perhaps even too laid back at times – but we both know that is only when things are going smoothly. Life unfortunately is not always like that and I cannot react like this every time there is a challenge. I have been so erratic, so self-sabotaging. I wish I was not like this because I know how unhealthy it is for everyone, but it is the brain I was blessed with.
These days, I now have this weird sort of anhedonia. You made me so happy and so energetic. I also know I have many things that used to make me happy that don't directly involve you but yet I don't see the point, the motivation, and I can't enjoy anything anymore if I know I can no longer tell you about the thing that is making me happy, the thing that I did, the goal I am working towards, the thing that I achieved, the emotion I felt, the new friend I made, or the thing I laughed at. Nothing interests me now. Nothing makes me feel. My dreams at night haunt me and I wake up scared. The memories of all the happiness, the love, every small cute thing you did are so vivid in my mind that they haunt me now I am so low. I miss your attention that made me feel so special, so good about myself. I wish my attention to you made you feel the same way. And despite having other good people around me, no one fills the empty void of loneliness that losing you created. I get sentimental and cry over the smallest of links and reminders back to you. You are like a family member to me, but I can't even talk to you. You are a part of the family and I have lost you. When I am struggling like I am now I want to see your face, feel your comfort, hear your words to make me feel better but I can't. I lost my best friend, my other half, my future. I cry myself to sleep every single night. I never feel a moment's calm at all. I am in a state of constant panic. I am a mess of a man, completely lost of his former self. In the pursuit of love I wrongly built my entire life around one person. I put all my eggs into one basket. And now I have lost everything. I would have changed every genetic fibre in my body to be with you but I know why you would not want that. We should be true to ourselves. The problem is I have never known who I am. I have always adapted my personality to suit the people around me because I have never known my own. I am mentally ill like that.
I miss enjoying things but I can't seem to fix it. I have lost all motivation to do anything but try and be with you and that is wrong of me. People lose the love of their lives all the time but the response to it is different. I don't blame you and I don't even blame the situation. The way I have been 24/7 over the past three months is clearly the result of a deep crippling general anxiety disorder, nothing else. I blame the brain that makes me unable to cope with the situation which is probably not even all that bad when you put into comparison all the crises someone can go through. I blame the brain that makes it impossible for me to connect with more than one person, to make friends, and to have social skills despite how much I desperately wish I did. I blame not being able to carry out the things that I know will make me feel better. I don't blame being heartbroken, I blame myself for being a boring, anxiety ridden person whose only ever true goal in life was to be somebody's favourite person, to share their life, to be somebody's top priority. I don't blame the fact you don't love me as much as I love you, I blame not being able to cope with loving someone more than they love me. I blame myself for being a romantic who considers the best day in his life a walk with his girlfriend. I blame my inability to shake off this awful pain, the constant sinking feeling in my stomach when I wake up, a pain that feels like being stabbed in the stomach repeatedly. I blame the horrible disease that is depression. I blame the horrible crippling pain of anxiety. I blame my need to have to share my entire life with one person in order to avoid the feeling of loneliness. I blame the way I need to live through other people. I want to get better and have tried and tried but I cannot get out of this mental hole without you. And that is so unfair on you and you do not deserve that massive responsibility. No one should have to have that responsibility. Previously I wouldn't have said I was co-dependent, I think I proved that with how I handled being alone over the summer, but now clearly I have got to the point where if we ever got back together I would constantly be relying on you and the relationship would never be the same again. You are right that after all this it would never work despite how much I wish it would. I would never work being with anyone again. I would always have these mental scars and I have accepted I would never be the same again. And even if I was the same again it wouldn't be good enough. The way I am I am so closed off and will never be able to express my emotions well enough. You have seen that already and my communication would never be good enough for anyone to deserve to be stuck with me. The smallest possibility that you return to me is the only thing that has kept me alive but I now realise that you are never coming back. I have turned you away for good. I have already been so weird these past few months. I have totally changed for the worse and I am only going to get more worse still.
I've come to realise that this world is just not for me. I am a socialist after all and this is a brutal individualistic society. Teachers, employers, social media influencers teach us that we can only truly focus on ourselves, improve ourselves, achieve optimal success if only we stop caring about everyone else. And that is true, that is the world that has been designed and you must be that way to survive. People only care when there is something in it for them and ultimately everyone is and always will be selfish otherwise they will fail. And this is not a criticism of you. Everyone is like this. Everyone in my life knew about what happened to me but not one person reached out to me except for a text of support which was only in reply to when I reached out to them. Not one get well soon card, not one bouquet of flowers, not one in-person visit, not one facetime, not one conversation about what they're up to in their life to distract me from mine. People you think you care for simply don't care that much back. Ultimately, I will always feel lonely in this world no matter what friends I have. I lied about reconnecting with my friends for my birthday because I thought if it seemed like I was doing better you would talk to me again. In truth I spent it alone and no one got me anything. I lied about being back on track with the gym and diet, in truth I have had no energy to do so. I have continued to lose muscle, and I look like a skinny teenager again. I have lost years of progress in months. And it would take years to ever get back everything I have lost in life. My whole identity has been stripped from me and I have nothing of my former self to improve and build upon. I have barely left my room, gone outside, or done anything but stay in bed these past 3 months. I am terribly depressed with no drive to work towards the things I once wanted or do the things I once did. I am constantly exhausted and eating the smallest amount of food makes me need to take a nap. I sleep 12 hours a day most days, even thinking about doing something exhausts me. I go a full week without showering. I am unfit, unhealthy, and have no motivation to do anything. I have all the signs of depression and it has ruined my life. The existence my brain has created for me is one I do not want. I loved life, I loved the things I once did and the person I once was, I loved who I was on track to becoming. And I am so sad I am going to die but I am in too much pain to avoid it.
I have tried everything to let go and to set you free from me holding you back but as you have seen I always end up trying to force my way into your life again. "Somewhere I got stuck on you". It's been a full term without you and I am still trying to do anything to see you again. I don't want to spend years on years hoping you will return. The only thing that kept me from doing this sooner was the potential of seeing you when I packed my things. It was the only thing that kept me going through the days. The only thing I was waiting for. The only thing I have the motivation to do. I wasn't coming here to move out that was just an excuse. I was coming here to see you. To have one last shot at becoming your friend again and saving my life. I can't talk to anyone else like I could to you. And I am on a path to nothing but being a harasser. All I want is to know what you are doing. To know how you are feeling. To know what you are thinking. What you are planning. Praying that you will miss me and want to catch up with me. To want to do something with me. To go on a walk or to go and grab coffee. I can't help but do this sabotaging behaviour that has ruined every nice thing I ever did. I have made the person who was the other half of me hate me. To feel uncomfortable about me. To think I am a creep and a weirdo. And I can't stop it. Nothing else works and this is the only way. It just turns out that I quite literally cannot live without you. And that is ok. I have made peace with that reality. And as much as I am sorry for the pain this will cause initially, this is why I have to do it; My only drive is to be with you and therefore I am scared that all my future has in store is harassing you, releasing my anger and desperation on you, and hurting you further. This is for myself in the sense I do not want to spend my days being known as the crazy, unhinged, bitter ex-boyfriend (which all our mutual friends and you probably already think by now) or even end up with a restraining order. I also don't want to have to spend every day fighting with myself to resist the temptation of using a second account to check your fitness page, check the increasing posts or follower count on your main page, check the uni and fax netball accounts and so on and on. But it is also for you. I am just making you feel uncomfortable. Making you feel unsafe. Like you are constantly being watched. If I am being honest you have a stalker in me. And I want the best for both of us and I don't want to hurt you any longer. I am a loser, I am a stalker and I am bitter about you being so happy and better off without me when I have completely fallen apart without you. And I don't want this bitter, loser stalker from keeping you from being better off. You have already moved on, already become better off, already no longer miss me, and it would be a shame if I brought you back into feeling shit again. I want you to be the happiest that you can be and I know this will cause pain at first but in the long run I believe you will be better off compared to if I was to be here. I have already seen how happy your friends have made you in these recent weeks, way happier than I ever did or would be able to.
We both promised we would never leave and I am sorry for letting you down on this. I know I could have carried on heartbroken and try and rebuild the pieces back in my life. But I do not want to. I just do not have the willpower anymore. I am tired and exhausted. I am too weak. I am in too much pain. I will slowly get stronger just for my mind to shoot me back down again and again. It will take me years just to function properly again. But I want so much more. I want a life I simply can't achieve anymore. So I am left with wanting to do this. And I believe this makes me a bad person. A selfish person. A coward. And I am sorry. I can only ask that you forgive me. But I believe it is the best thing for both of us. I always wanted you to be happy and I would do anything to make it happen, and this is what it takes. To me you are the most beautiful, sexiest, kindest woman on this planet. You are perfect. I will never have a better life than the one I had with you. I have peaked. And I have always been willing to die for you and this is one of those rare circumstances where the person must commit to that oath.
You were right when you gave me those reasons as to why you needed to break up with me. I did not express my love to you enough while we were together, only now. You were also particularly right about you being my everything and being too dependent. You were. You were my entire world. And leaving me has meant my whole world has come crashing down. My world is over.
I love you, Emily. And I feel so blessed to have experienced your love. It made me the happiest I have ever been. I guess I never realised how unfulfilled and incomplete I was before you came into my life. But now for the brutal truth of it all for the last and final time. I know in the end that for you it wasn't true enough love for me to be the right person to get you through this hectic stage in your life. But that doesn't change my feelings for you. I am in such awe of you that nothing ever could make me not think you are the most special person in the universe. You could commit the worst crime, you could have cheated on me and I would still think so. I am just that madly in love with you. Maybe that means I have zero self-respect but you truly were everything I have ever dreamed of. You were my other half. You were my soul mate. Happiness to me is sharing my soul with another soul and you gave me the chance to finally do that. Monday, 9 August 2021, our hike around Dovestones. Remember the date. I don't want people to memorialise the date I died, or the date of my birthday. Instead I want people to remember what was by far the best day in my life. Maybe that is sad and maybe you will think I am a helpless romantic for thinking that was that good but the truth is that day with you was the happiest I have ever been. You gave this loser a day which was greater than every other day combined. Those pictures remain long in my memory. I want you to let my parents know that I wish for my ashes to be scattered on the top of where we took those pictures. You were so good to me. Far too good for me. And I will never be good enough in return. You deserve so much better. You have grown so much over this last year and, even though I grew a little also, you have grown at a much faster rate than me and now you are way out of reach from me. You have developed into this more sociable personality and have a very high social status and social life at Uni. I on the other hand am still an anxious, lonely kid with no real friends. You have so much more to offer to me than I will ever have to offer to you. You have way more hobbies, interests, and friends to share with me than what I have got to share with you. I have already run out of my things in life to share with you and is why you have subconsciously got bored of me. Perhaps I was on track to gain more things in my life that I could have shared but it would have probably still been way too one-sided. You are way out my league. I always knew in terms of attractiveness that I was punching with you but I guess I was always in denial in thinking I was on par with you in other categories that kept you wanting me. You can do so so much better in every single aspect of a guy. Looks, physique, personality, socially, ambition wise, achievement wise, hobbies, things in their life to share, willingness to grow, comparability wise, everything. I know you said it wasn't ever about other people but whether you know it or not, deep down it is. And it is not even to say whether you want to date him or not but ultimately the things that being with me bring had already been started to be replaced by Ollie. What I brought; being your gym buddy, being the first person you would text in the morning, being the person you got coffee with, being the person you went to a study space with, being the person of similar interests, being your best friend, being the person you would tell your day about, being the person you went to for advice, the person who would help you when something went wrong, being the person you would tell your feelings to, being the person you shared clips on social media with, being the person you planned your next move with, being your main source of male attention – they had all been replaced by him. And that isn't even a bad thing in a relationship as you would expect things to be shared out across your many friends. But the reason you stay with somebody is because ultimately they have the one thing that no one else could offer which is that you love them as a person, you love their soul and their being. And the brutal reality is that you never loved me that way. You might have loved being with me and what being with me meant, but deep down whether you knew it or not you never loved me. It is why when you started to make friends you began to grow apart. You have already got so many better people to share out the things that you needed me for previously and I am glad. You deserve better. You are free to do so, you shouldn't be with someone who deep down you do not love. I think you did know that though but were to afraid to admit it. The other reasons were just justifications for it. Trust, care, and feeling the natural urge to spend time with someone are all things that aren't just lost rather they are built. When we first met we wouldn't have had those things and thus it can't be a reason that prevents people from trying again in a relationship as they are ultimately things which can be won back. The reality is that you never truly loved me. After we broke up you knew you couldn't deny the possibility that you two get together. Likewise, you went on a break with me and asked the question of me and Ollie: who is the boyfriend and who is the friend? And if you are having doubts that you needed to ask yourself that question the harsh truth is that it proves you never truly loved me. The question was answered the moment it was asked. That is life. That is the nature of those things and I do not blame you for listening to your nature. But it is also in my nature to feel devastated by it because I did truly love your soul. Every decision I made was around you. And it hurt me because I wrongly thought for the first time in my life that I was someone's favourite person. That I was someone's top priority. But I was only ever that temporarily during a year of covid when you had less priorities; less people and less things to do. As soon as life got busy and the priorities grew I got ranked lower and lower. In times of busy life and stress people naturally fall back to the things and people they care about and that are good for them and you did do that, but I was just not one of them. I was not a source of relief during hectic life. Netball, socials with the girls, deep chats with Kate, gym with Luke and Ollie all were. I am sorry I wasn't one of those sources. It really hurt that I wasn't. It really hurt I was never good enough. Once again I will never be good enough. And I can't help but try and try and prove my worth to you when ultimately what is best is that you avoid me and get closure from all these damaging, tortuous acts of emotional harm I am causing you. And you deserve that closure from me. You deserve to be left alone from me. And I love you too much to deny you that and being here would prevent it.
Even though I wasn't such a good person, I hope you will think of me by focusing on the good thoughts. I hope you remember me and the good times we had together. The growth we had as a couple. The things that we brought to each other. The things we changed about one another. The new hobbies we shared. The life we had. In the end I ran out of things to share with you and you needed to grow further. I was too madly in love with you but I didn't have enough to show for it. Yes, I wanted to do so much more with you but what we did do was amazing and I am so so grateful for it. It was the best time of my life and I am lucky to have lived it.
After hours and hours of pondering for months I have no doubt that this is my fate. One benefit of severe anxiety is that you are quite efficient when it comes to processing and working through every single thought, scenario, outcome, and possibility.
I can't handle being lonely. I can't handle being scared in this darkness. And I lost my battle with mental health. That is all. Maybe if you said you could come back to me at a later date like next year then it would have been enough for me as something to hold on to, a date to work towards, but saying that wouldn't be the truth. What would change next year? We would just be kicking the can down the road. Maybe we could have turned it around and worked and from the depths of despair created the greatest love story known to mankind. But it takes two to tango and ultimately you would be lying to yourself if you ever said you wanted to tango with me again. Even if you did what would your friends think of you coming back to me after everything. Everyone would judge you and say you are only doing this to save me. That I am manipulating you etc. etc. And you deep down would not want it. What I so badly want is a complete fantasy land. Something which only happens in the movies, not real life. I have finally accepted that.
My only last wish is that you move on, overcome this and stay happy because you deserve only the best.
Sorry you had to end up entangled in the life of someone like me. Of all the boys you could have picked you were unlucky enough to pick the 1% of us who are too mentally unstable to live like normal people. I am sorry for that.
- Jamie
(A song for if you ever want a reminder of me – one of my favourites. Love it nearly as much as I love Tame Impala!)
[a collection of poems I wrote in my final weeks are also attached] [https://1drv.ms/w/s!AhSihhPrU5OVj2kBp89xHIy5q-z9]"
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