Discussion Aiicc's suicidenote

[Vvoiid]

Taken from Reddit r/timetogo:

"This is it. I'm ready to escape this planet-sized madhouse. I've been ready for a long time. July 19th was the deadline I had been looking forward to for about two and a half months now. It's the first and only time ever that I've set myself a deadline, so if I can abide by it, that'd be pretty badass from me.

I'm going to go ahead and head out to my location in a couple of minutes. I just wanted to make this post in case someone is looking for me (however unlikely this may be) and wants to know what's up with me - or, alternatively, you can cite me as an example of someone who's done it (provide I don't just come back home and delete this comment) whenever someone here or on SSnet asks the common question "has anyone actually CTB'd?".

I'm not even feeling anything, really, aside from some standard anxiety (far less than it used to be for exams, etc.) and emptiness. My lizard brain is trying every trick in the book to stop me, but just this once, I will be strong. Time for the next great adventure. Aiicc out."


This was his post. The last paragraph really hit me. It's true for me except for the part where he says "I will be strong". I am not strong. I am a lazy coward. I hate myself for not doing it. I am filled with anger and rage against myself and this cruel world. When will I finally be able to escape this world? When will I finally be allowed to escape this unbearable suffering? This construct designed to torture me in every conceivable way possible only to leave me begging for death.

 

[Smilla]

Love the last line.

Thanks for sharing.

I hope he found his peace.

 

[skitliv]

The last paragraph really hit me. It's true for me except for the part where he says "I will be strong". I am not strong. I am a lazy coward. I hate myself for not doing it

This is true for most of us I reckon

 

[Luke]

It's true for me except for the part where he says "I will be strong". I am not strong. I am a lazy coward. I hate myself for not doing it.

I am sorry to tell you but you can't just decide to "be strong" and consciously switch off parts of your brain that are not under your control. The lizard brain as he put it. It cannot be overpowered, it must be tricked into not interfering. This is the whole point of the N/SN/Gas methods.

Does it really need bravery to step off a bridge and die in 5seconds not feeling a thing? I don't think so. Does the lizard brain interfere? oh it fucking does.

You need to be smart and find out how your biggest enemy works, that would be the lizard brain.

 

[Luke]

You know, try standing on the edge of a tall building if you have one nearby. I tried. I can't jump. I am perfectly aware of the fact that it would be the best action to take, yet I can't. The survival center of my brain just switches off my conscious thought process making me unable to take the last single step. That's how we evolved.

Taking a lethal dose of stuff is no problem, the lizard brain doesn't know it should "save" you.

Wonder why people are complaining about how bitter the N is. Surprise.. it's not because they can't deal with some bitterness come on.
It's because the bitter chemical taste/smell wakes up the lizard and tries to stop you from drinking it.
Sweetening and trying to get rid of the taste is not for comfort lol ... it's to shut off the part you can't control.

Now you need another good reason to hate yourself... remember what you did 20 years ago? You're welcome.

 

[leavinghope]

Now you need another good reason to hate yourself... remember what you did 20 years ago? You're welcome.

What do you mean by this?

 

[Luke]

What do you mean by this?

It's my way of trying to make fun of the all so common sudden guilt feelings I get from a random memory where I smiled the wrong way at someone 20 years ago. My brain does this shit and I know I'm not alone with this.