• Hey Guest,

    As you know, censorship around the world has been ramping up at an alarming pace. The UK and OFCOM has singled out this community and have been focusing its censorship efforts here. It takes a good amount of resources to maintain the infrastructure for our community and to resist this censorship. We would appreciate any and all donations.

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drag201

drag201

Member
Oct 15, 2023
75
I haven't been on this site in a while because honestly I didn't have the energy for it. Every single day feels soo long, and things haven't gotten better since the last time I've been here.

Someone that I was very close to since childhood passed away two months ago, he was like a father to me since my biological one is beyond awful. I feel so disconnected from reality I couldn't feel a thing about it and I honestly still don't, but I miss him. I'm also worried about my mother's health and she is genuinely the only thing keeping me going. I cannot imagine what I'll do if something happens to her. But at the same time I can't imagine what would happen to her if i go through with committing. I have no family or current friends, I work but I dont have money for a house of my own, my driving license, uni, and I don't know why I have to force myself to continue being alive every single day, there is nothing going for me, no relationships, nothing career related, no ambitions etc. Im a lot more scared to keep living. I made all of these plans for studying in university but I feel like it's a way to fill my pointless life that will never feel gratifying no matter where I go, what I do or who I meet I have the accesses to ctb and maybe the minimal courage needed to do it.
I have this sense of impending doom regarding EVERYTHING around me and I seriously dont know how to keep on living with so much anxiety, depression and worry, I always passively had suicidal thoughts but right now I cant even describe the toll this stuff is taking on me, even physically Im so fucking debilitated. As im writing this im so panicky and I can barely breathe and ive been like this for so long. Everything feels like a nonstop panic attack
I have no one to talk to as well. This is a personal thing but I've always refused therapy and medication and I don't want to worry anyone and hell i cant even explain half of what im feeling.
I honestly wish this would just stop. I wish i hadnt been born at all so i wouldnt have to plan out my own death and feel trapped in my body and life every breathing moment, I wish I could give my body and switch places with the people who are losing their lives to disease or other matters outside their control.
I just needed to write it out. I think i will be coming back here more often. I hope you are all doing well at least for today. Thank you for reading
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
39,130
It sounds like you suffer a lot, I also just wish for it all to be gone for me as well, personally I wish I never existed more than anything. But anyway I wish you the best.
 
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