I have autism, GAD, BPD, social anxiety and highly likely C-PTSD. I survived childhood adversity and abuse, and complex trauma through my life, but had a breakdown 13 months ago and been suicidal since then. After waiting a year for any treament beyond online CBT with no additional human input, I'm now under the care of CMHT in the NHS and have a really good CPN. We've just finished my Emotional First Aid training based on DBT skills. Next we start the psychotherapy for all the trauma. I believe I am made up of 6 people plus me myself. "Me" myself-anxiety, panic attacks. "Creature"-takes care of me and day to day living. Helps me call crisis team when I'm unsafe. "Self hate"- loathes me and wants to damage and hurt me. "Self destruct"- sees no purpose, no hope, no future. Wants me to ctb. Can be despairing, or silent and cold. "Silhouette"-big and strong, silent, pushes flashback freeze frames out of sight. Doesn't appear in actual flashbacks. "Volatile"- wants to recover and be kind to myself and others but if any sign of rejection, minimising my problems and the efforts I'm making to recover, turns to rage and will attempt to mentally destroy whoever is responsible. Is forgiving after the event and allows trauma bonding. Also has risky behaviours, rage and euphoria for no reason. I've only recently identified these people but they help me to understand myself and what happens to me. When self-hate and self- destruct take over, I usually don't remember anything about it so sometimes I write it down as it's happening. BPD mood swings and danger tend to occur in the evening or night, or in response to any trigger especially rejection. I'm too direct or blunt in my interactions with others despite trying to be kind. This causes problems and, coupled with the BPD rages and not being the best looking or most interesting person, I have no friends at all and dysfunctional contact with my dysfunctional family who all also have mental health issues to a greater or lesser degree. My father, despite being a kind person at heart, failed to protect me from all the forms of childhood abuse, always demanded more from us, wanted achievements not who we were. He was an alcoholic for many years and attempted ctb multiple times, including violent methods, and is no longer alive. My mother was abusive in almost all forms and we all live with the consequences, has her own MH issues which she denies, and I'm still in regular contact with her which I feel obliged to do but it's difficult. I work very hard at my recovery. I really like and appreciate my CMHT team, my CPN and the crisis team. Psychiatrists-not so sure. Had one amazing kind one but he's left. Had one really bad one who set my recovery back a lot. Usually and up til now I've had little or no hope but had promised I'd try treatment before ctbing, but these last 7 days, despite having bad times still, my DBT skills have worked 2 or 3 times so that's introduced a little hope. I have a dog which I share with my abusive ex. She's old but still very fit and loves training, playing and walks. She's very clever and has pulled me out of flashbacks.
