Warlord's Pulse
Time to end this endless war
- May 27, 2024
- 202
Don't wanna say I must praise myself for changing a existential problem into a practical one and then existential again, maybe that differentiation doesn't even make sense, but oh boy, what a messy journey.
I did it. There's nothing particularly wrong with my life nowadays. Didn't leave a single goal unaccomplished, and in less time than I would expect.
However, the void, the mental pain, it's still there. Everyday. I wake up and the first thought that goes in my mind is "suicide". I struggle to get out of my bed, and by the way I kinda fucked up my sleep schedule again, but that doesn't worry me. I think of fucked up things even when I'm pulling 100kg in the gym.
Good games and company seems to keep me off the bad thoughts momentarily, but with my... grind (?) I don't have enough time for this, moreover, I get tired very quickly. Use to play games and chat with long-time internet friends that I never met in real life, strange that I can be open with them more than people around me.
Seek for help is haunting, I'm not good at communicating and I just don't know how others will react, and honestly, I basically don't have someone who is, simultaneously, willing and capable to help. To be even more honest, I started to actively distancing myself to old friends, the school-era friends I mean. I once heard that "there's no friendship in adulthood", well, I felt it. When I left the school I basically turned out to be a hikikomori so never even have the opportunity to meet new people, that's why my friends are all the same for a decade, but everyone followed their own path and, with time, we organically distanced ourselves. I for once was one of the most ostracized out of all that, due to my personal and professional nature (don't need to get out of my room to make money nor to entertain myself), sometimes I feel anguish when I remember moments with them and was overwhelmed with questions like "what are you doing?" - "how much are you earning?" - "opened your own business? wow, you must be earning a lot" NO I WAS NOT, GODDAMMIT. I just don't resonate with them anymore, don't like to play along them anymore. I will be completely alone, but I'm quite used to it. They have other friends, most likely better ones (as they obviously prefer to pass the time with the others), so it shouldn't matter anyway. It sucks that things turned out to be this way, but hey, what can I do?
For me, the last years were a true demonstration on how the randonness can change life. I would never imagine that my life would be like that, that's not necessarily good or bad, it just is what it is.
Funny unrelated thing: the first and only time that I went to a psychologist, I was 19 yo iirc, my dad took me there and said "please, tell EVERYTHING, don't hide anything" - I just nodded. Of course I didn't tell everything, actually I told 10% of everything, just told that I was "feeling tired and unfocused". No way, just no way I would tell everything. The guilt, the grudge, the violence, the waste and long lasting thoughts of dead. No, just... no.
Nowadays my parents must think that I'm doing alright. My business grew up and I'm earning a lot of money. I... like what I do, if I should say so myself. I took care of my health and even my looks, have healthy hobbies like reading and riding my bike, and I'm very disciplined at gym. But no, I'm still struggling. I'm at my pinnacle, both of doing well in life and doing shit mentally.
I have a very big and united family, which is rare and a privilege. There's not a single case of suicide in my family. My suicide would be devastating, I know that very well. I can't say if I would be sorry for that. I... honestly don't even know if I care that much, and for that I can be sorry. Sorry for not caring enough. Sorry for being so fucked up. In the end, this must be a form of natural selection. I'm just too much of a weakling to deal with life and too dumb to think in a solution. Holy hell.
Edit: One important info, is that I have my SN alongside everything that I would need (antiemetics etc). I don't want to take an impulsive action, and for that, SN is a good option as it requires a lot of planning. I'm even considering to get methylene blue, in case I change my mind some minutes after I drink the SN. The way I see it, suicide really, really, really needs to be the last option.
I did it. There's nothing particularly wrong with my life nowadays. Didn't leave a single goal unaccomplished, and in less time than I would expect.
However, the void, the mental pain, it's still there. Everyday. I wake up and the first thought that goes in my mind is "suicide". I struggle to get out of my bed, and by the way I kinda fucked up my sleep schedule again, but that doesn't worry me. I think of fucked up things even when I'm pulling 100kg in the gym.
Good games and company seems to keep me off the bad thoughts momentarily, but with my... grind (?) I don't have enough time for this, moreover, I get tired very quickly. Use to play games and chat with long-time internet friends that I never met in real life, strange that I can be open with them more than people around me.
Seek for help is haunting, I'm not good at communicating and I just don't know how others will react, and honestly, I basically don't have someone who is, simultaneously, willing and capable to help. To be even more honest, I started to actively distancing myself to old friends, the school-era friends I mean. I once heard that "there's no friendship in adulthood", well, I felt it. When I left the school I basically turned out to be a hikikomori so never even have the opportunity to meet new people, that's why my friends are all the same for a decade, but everyone followed their own path and, with time, we organically distanced ourselves. I for once was one of the most ostracized out of all that, due to my personal and professional nature (don't need to get out of my room to make money nor to entertain myself), sometimes I feel anguish when I remember moments with them and was overwhelmed with questions like "what are you doing?" - "how much are you earning?" - "opened your own business? wow, you must be earning a lot" NO I WAS NOT, GODDAMMIT. I just don't resonate with them anymore, don't like to play along them anymore. I will be completely alone, but I'm quite used to it. They have other friends, most likely better ones (as they obviously prefer to pass the time with the others), so it shouldn't matter anyway. It sucks that things turned out to be this way, but hey, what can I do?
For me, the last years were a true demonstration on how the randonness can change life. I would never imagine that my life would be like that, that's not necessarily good or bad, it just is what it is.
Funny unrelated thing: the first and only time that I went to a psychologist, I was 19 yo iirc, my dad took me there and said "please, tell EVERYTHING, don't hide anything" - I just nodded. Of course I didn't tell everything, actually I told 10% of everything, just told that I was "feeling tired and unfocused". No way, just no way I would tell everything. The guilt, the grudge, the violence, the waste and long lasting thoughts of dead. No, just... no.
Nowadays my parents must think that I'm doing alright. My business grew up and I'm earning a lot of money. I... like what I do, if I should say so myself. I took care of my health and even my looks, have healthy hobbies like reading and riding my bike, and I'm very disciplined at gym. But no, I'm still struggling. I'm at my pinnacle, both of doing well in life and doing shit mentally.
I have a very big and united family, which is rare and a privilege. There's not a single case of suicide in my family. My suicide would be devastating, I know that very well. I can't say if I would be sorry for that. I... honestly don't even know if I care that much, and for that I can be sorry. Sorry for not caring enough. Sorry for being so fucked up. In the end, this must be a form of natural selection. I'm just too much of a weakling to deal with life and too dumb to think in a solution. Holy hell.
Edit: One important info, is that I have my SN alongside everything that I would need (antiemetics etc). I don't want to take an impulsive action, and for that, SN is a good option as it requires a lot of planning. I'm even considering to get methylene blue, in case I change my mind some minutes after I drink the SN. The way I see it, suicide really, really, really needs to be the last option.
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