Alone

[Blo0d_doll]

I've been thinking about a way to do ctb for a couple of days, but every time I feel like I can't find a way that satisfies me as I would like. Apart from this, in recent days I have started to get back into the habit of waterboarding, which although not lethal, I find it to be an excellent method of torture, even if self-inflicted it is as if it has become an addiction again. It would be fun to be able to try it with someone if I think about it, nothing erotic, I would just like someone to be there, doing everything alone makes me very tired. Today I woke up not so late, but I've been lying in bed for hours and I can't get up, as if I just couldn't find the strength. I have a hard time engaging and doing everyday things. My bedroom has become a landfill, and perhaps the last time I actually vacuumed it was months and months ago. Living like this is really pathetic, if I can't even get shit done what in the world am I doing?

 

[sadalways]

I feel you, getting out of bed can be really difficult. I have to basically force myself to climb out of bed, it's such a pain. My room is also a mess, can't seem to find the energy to do anything about it.

 

[Blo0d_doll]

I'm happy that someone can understand how I feel, although I imagine that many here are finding themselves in our situation. Whatever it is, I hope the best for you and I hope you find the peace you may be looking for. hug

 

[sadalways]

I'm happy that someone can understand how I feel, although I imagine that many here are finding themselves in our situation. Whatever it is, I hope the best for you and I hope you find the peace you may be looking for. hug

I hope the same for you. Best of wishes, and may you find peace too, nobody to deserves to feel how we feel. Sending many hugs

 

[GoSan1]

I've been thinking about a way to do ctb for a couple of days, but every time I feel like I can't find a way that satisfies me as I would like. Apart from this, in recent days I have started to get back into the habit of waterboarding, which although not lethal, I find it to be an excellent method of torture, even if self-inflicted it is as if it has become an addiction again. It would be fun to be able to try it with someone if I think about it, nothing erotic, I would just like someone to be there, doing everything alone makes me very tired. Today I woke up not so late, but I've been lying in bed for hours and I can't get up, as if I just couldn't find the strength. I have a hard time engaging and doing everyday things. My bedroom has become a landfill, and perhaps the last time I actually vacuumed it was months and months ago. Living like this is really pathetic, if I can't even get shit done what in the world am I doing?

While I do think that the waterboarding part might be a kink (not judging of course), I do agree on the loneliness. It was written even in the bible that because the man was lonely, a companion was created. Loneliness has destroyed many people's lives, but some simply can't belong. One can tell oneself that it's not a problem, but not even having a singular person to be with, hurts deep down. Speaking of experience, 5+ years of not having a singular friend, always being a last option. Thats life.

The energy part is most likely due to not enjoying living and thus just waiting in bed to die and rot. It's the body's way of saying "Nah, I don't wanna do it no more" and protesting. It all really sucks.

 

[Timelapse]

I just wanted to say, i feel disgusting.

i don't bathe myself

i don't eat properly

i don't clean anything

i don't talk to no one except suicide.ca (when they end up saying 1 more question then we part) you know you're shit

I haven't seen anyone who isn't at their job in months (deliveries)

but in all that mess, i feel comfortable in my uncomfortability.

but seconds turn into minutes turn into hours turn into days weeks months years.... I'm tired.

 

[Blo0d_doll]

i feel you..I cant do anything too :/

 

[Higurashi415]

I've been thinking about a way to do ctb for a couple of days, but every time I feel like I can't find a way that satisfies me as I would like. Apart from this, in recent days I have started to get back into the habit of waterboarding, which although not lethal, I find it to be an excellent method of torture, even if self-inflicted it is as if it has become an addiction again. It would be fun to be able to try it with someone if I think about it, nothing erotic, I would just like someone to be there, doing everything alone makes me very tired. Today I woke up not so late, but I've been lying in bed for hours and I can't get up, as if I just couldn't find the strength. I have a hard time engaging and doing everyday things. My bedroom has become a landfill, and perhaps the last time I actually vacuumed it was months and months ago. Living like this is really pathetic, if I can't even get shit done what in the world am I doing?

I barely go out of my room to pee. I'm eating once a day because I can't muster the energy to go get groceries. And I too use the word "landfill" to describe my room. I have to actively avoid a sea of clothes water bottles and cables and tissues to move.