eattwinkiesseejesus
Praying for death to a God that doesn't answer
- Jan 18, 2025
- 25
Every day I wake up, I wish the day was my last and every morning I curse whatever forces me to keep breathing.
I've never known normal, from my early days in the crib til now I've been cursed with a very thorough memory. My chronic nightmares and insomnia began in the days I still slept in my crib, my overwhelming social anxiety and panic attacks really came through in the 3rd grade, my first feelings of depression had me telling everyone since i was in my 4th and 5th grade years that I hoped I'd never live to see 40, my daily bouts with suicidal ideation in the 6th grade as well as otc meds I began hoarding so I could take in excess ... in high school I could never wear shorts due to all the cutting....
Depression and anxiety have always followed me and I've always been a very "passionate" person - I've always told people I play both sides of the spectrum very well. I didn't learn until this past year that I was bipolar and that this..issue.. was causing all these things (or that it could be genetic- just wondering if i passed this curse on to my kids is enough to make me want to end it all). This hormonal imbalance that makes me hate myself and want to kill myself day in and day out is exhausting. I thought whatever was wrong with me before was bad enough but then I developed BPD being with my children's abusive narcissistic asshole of a father and now cptsd from being ripped away from everything and unjustly thrown in the looney bin - I feel completely broken and alone. No one in my family understands it all, my mother doesn't even believe the disorder is real - she says "just be happy" "just eat if you're hungry" "if you're tired just go to bed!" How can she possibly understand that I have spent so many nights tossing and turning, begging crying and pleading with God to just let me sleep?? How could she comprehend why my brain is constantly telling me I'm a pathetic piece of shit that just needs to off myself?? - I don't even understand and I'm the one living thru it! I'm tired and I'm burnt out. I have no one and nothing left, the only friend I thought I had disappeared after learning that I had been sent to the pysch ward. I get it, no one wants a broken crazy piece of trash as their friend and I don't blame her but she's all I had these last 10 years... to come out of such a dark place mentally to find myself standing alone - I just don't wanna do it anymore. It hurts, just breathing and being alive hurts. I don't understand why my body hates itself, why I can't just be made normal like everyone else and what for?
Why am I fighting??? For a husband that cheats and lies with every breath he takes? For children that will grow to hate and resent me cuz mommy is too depressed and broken to give them the mentally healthy lifestyle they deserve? For friends that never stay and only use me when it's convenient??
I can't stop thinking about ctb, it's been on my mind constantly since I got locked up. Nothing has been the same, my cycles are all mixed and my moods are all over the place, "rapid cycling" as they call it. I'm so tired and what was already miserable to live with has gotten way out of hand, I don't know how to manage all these new issues - I was barely surviving the way it was.
The sodium nitrite in my closet is looking better with each passing day, anyways sorry to come and rant - I'm just at my wits end
I've never known normal, from my early days in the crib til now I've been cursed with a very thorough memory. My chronic nightmares and insomnia began in the days I still slept in my crib, my overwhelming social anxiety and panic attacks really came through in the 3rd grade, my first feelings of depression had me telling everyone since i was in my 4th and 5th grade years that I hoped I'd never live to see 40, my daily bouts with suicidal ideation in the 6th grade as well as otc meds I began hoarding so I could take in excess ... in high school I could never wear shorts due to all the cutting....
Depression and anxiety have always followed me and I've always been a very "passionate" person - I've always told people I play both sides of the spectrum very well. I didn't learn until this past year that I was bipolar and that this..issue.. was causing all these things (or that it could be genetic- just wondering if i passed this curse on to my kids is enough to make me want to end it all). This hormonal imbalance that makes me hate myself and want to kill myself day in and day out is exhausting. I thought whatever was wrong with me before was bad enough but then I developed BPD being with my children's abusive narcissistic asshole of a father and now cptsd from being ripped away from everything and unjustly thrown in the looney bin - I feel completely broken and alone. No one in my family understands it all, my mother doesn't even believe the disorder is real - she says "just be happy" "just eat if you're hungry" "if you're tired just go to bed!" How can she possibly understand that I have spent so many nights tossing and turning, begging crying and pleading with God to just let me sleep?? How could she comprehend why my brain is constantly telling me I'm a pathetic piece of shit that just needs to off myself?? - I don't even understand and I'm the one living thru it! I'm tired and I'm burnt out. I have no one and nothing left, the only friend I thought I had disappeared after learning that I had been sent to the pysch ward. I get it, no one wants a broken crazy piece of trash as their friend and I don't blame her but she's all I had these last 10 years... to come out of such a dark place mentally to find myself standing alone - I just don't wanna do it anymore. It hurts, just breathing and being alive hurts. I don't understand why my body hates itself, why I can't just be made normal like everyone else and what for?
Why am I fighting??? For a husband that cheats and lies with every breath he takes? For children that will grow to hate and resent me cuz mommy is too depressed and broken to give them the mentally healthy lifestyle they deserve? For friends that never stay and only use me when it's convenient??
I can't stop thinking about ctb, it's been on my mind constantly since I got locked up. Nothing has been the same, my cycles are all mixed and my moods are all over the place, "rapid cycling" as they call it. I'm so tired and what was already miserable to live with has gotten way out of hand, I don't know how to manage all these new issues - I was barely surviving the way it was.
The sodium nitrite in my closet is looking better with each passing day, anyways sorry to come and rant - I'm just at my wits end
. I'm here if you wanna talk. Not gonna say stay strong and that bullshit because I know this things are real people are such stupid they just say don't think about it, try to stay calm blah blah blah, once again Really sorry to hear all of this.
