Help Also A Rant/Story

[Into The Wild]

I don't think I can take much more at the moment. I mean of everything and this all pervasive feeling that I know how it is all gonna end. That nothing I love/want lasts.

I have been trying so so hard to get back up from when my fiancée left me 2/3 years ago and have achieved some good things in my life. But every new set-back just sends me right back here and I am so done with it. Cut long story short: I started seeing a new girl 3 months ago and I found out she'd been messaging and dating some other guy behind my back almost from day 1...It was eerily reminiscent of other bad times I have had romantically. But in a way what she did is irrelevant. It is all so irrelevant. This feeling has been in the back of my head since the day my fiancée left and it just comes out when things go badly. I can only see myself dying by suicide at the moment.

Every set-back, no matter how small, just sends me spiralling down. I am in a place I have wanted to be professionally for ages. But I hate myself and I hate that I am a burden to others. My sibligns are both doctors and even they are getting fed up with me. That I can't "sort myself out"...well I just can't. I am trying to re-invent myself: to change the way I am so I don't have to rely on anyone else cos I know they will just let me down. But I just have this feeling that anything good I have in life always comes attached with an impending crisis. But I am also just so sick of fighting my bad feelings. I want to let them win because that is who I am and I am fed up with lying to myself about things "getting better" because they hardly ever do. And if they do the higher you rise the harder you damn fall.

I suppose that is the only way I can explain myself: I know that everyone has ups and downs but mine hit me so hard and so fast for some reason. It is stupid and I hate myself for it. But there is something seriously wrong with me that I cannot handle them and how far I fall and I am damn sick of it.

I have started thinking about killing myself again. I have had 2 serious-ish attempts where I went to the side of motorways and was standing there for a good few hours trying to get the courage to do it. Once I stepped out but the car swerved. He was okay thankfully. That was about a year ago. But I am a coward and can't do it again...I feel like I am only going on because other people may get sad. But to be honest most others won't even notice I am gone after a bit of time. I am very very very ill mentally and I just can't go on like this. But I have to because A. Cowardice & B. Guilt

Is there any tips anyone can give me for trying to pick myself up? Even on a temporary basis? I am going back to work soon and to the city this girl lives in. That kind of proximity in terms of geography makes me very very anxious...But I need to try and make the most of things.

I don't want to die, guys (and TBH I want to make that clear because many on here have way worse ailments than me and I wish you only the best on what you decide to do) but I also don't want to live. I don't want to live like this anymore.

Once again...thank you for whoever makes and maintains this site. I dip in and out...but being able to write something so honest and awful on here does make me feel even slightly better. I have to lie to everyone else.

Best Wishes,

ITW

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry your life has been this hard for you, and I hope it does get better. One thing that helps me when something goes wrong in my life is to stop and look for something positive about it. I know it may sound stupid or pointless but, it really helps to make my problems smaller. Sometimes I am also able to see that my problem is actually a blessing in disguise.

 

[Jean4]

You said the magic words. I don't want to die.

Seek out a therapist and get help. It will NOT be easy. However, you said the magic words. Put in the work and fight to get better. I have faith in you.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

Sometimes life forces us off a nice straight road and into the dark woods, we get lost, we lose ourselves , but if we keep searching eventually we find a path that leads to a new road, the road we were supposed to be on in the first place.

It sounds like you are letting people into your life that hurt you, and you are judging yourself and value based on their actions. You can't control people you love from hurting you, but you are not responsible for that pain either. The whole "what could i have done differently" , "if I was only (fill in the blank)" thought process is self sabotage. It's their mistake, their loss, and yet you have to live with the pain.

Sometimes a person just needs to take s step back, take a look at things and focus in a new direction. Something you want to do just for yourself that doesnt involve a relationship or validation from a partner.

When a person can change their focus on how they can make themselves happy without a relationship, and think about the kind of person you deserve to have, while moving forward with independence and self growth , you will be surprised that the person you are really supposed to be with,the person that will appreciate you , will just somehow appear. Probably in the last place you expect..

Sorry im not trying to tell you how to live or how to feel... i know what its like to want to die from losing a loved one, i know what its like to throw myself and my self worth into another person, and how bad it hurts to be betrayed... I am truly sorry for your pain...

Volunteering at an animal rehab, senior center, homeless shelter or childrens hospital can really help with growth, distraction, healing, perspective, and making new friends.

 

[Into The Wild]

Thank you everyone for your kind responses.

I am trying very hard to get back up and "go again" as people say, in terms of finding something new and changing myself to be somehow different and not get too concerned about things like this.

When a person can change their focus on how they can make themselves happy without a relationship, and think about the kind of person you deserve to have, while moving forward with independence and self growth , you will be surprised that the person you are really supposed to be with,the person that will appreciate you , will just somehow appear. Probably in the last place you expect..

I think the problem is, and why I need to go to therapy or EMDR, is that I believe this already happened and I lost it (about 2 years ago)...Since then I just don't think I will get another chance with someone who truly values me like she did.

I am trying to do this

to stop and look for something positive

But it can be very hard when my self-esteem is so low.