do you want to get better, or to have a break? most drugs that will give you a "break" are short lived and will often leave you in a worse position afterwards. Cocaine, MDMA, Meth, Crack are all amazing "breaks" but are probably not what you need. I am quite passionate about psychedelics as therapy, though they are difficult experiences, I think probably the most beneficial and most likely to help you to recover. When you tried ayahuasca was it a one off ceremony? was it with someone who knew how to deliver it? you say you're scared of it and I get that, but is that because it is showing you the parts of yourself that need to change? if you are resistant to want to recover the psychedelic experience will be more difficult. If you can admit to yourself that you want to get better and address the dark parts of yourself, psychedelics may be your best bet. I'm not trying to come across as judgmental, what I'm saying may be completely irrelevant since I know nothing about you, take care x
Hello SlackJim
Have you had any luck with psychedelics? I'd love to hear which ones and your experiences if you'd like to share. I've written a long ramble below on my experiences - because my brain is not working very well and it makes me feel kind of numb when I am writing. Hope you don't mind. I do appreciate your message and thoughts x
For me, it's increasingly clear to me that there is nothing that makes me feel better. I get two weeks off from time to time, then anything that is helping me stops working. Psychedelics at the most give me a day off - and not even that anymore. I'm pretty bedridden and just trying to gather the energy to do stuff like write my will and suicide notes. I am also writing a medication test schedule -because there are some I haven't tried. My big fear is that I get even worse, and do not have the energy to CTB - so I want to make sure I am all prepared to CTB.
Psychedelics on the whole have given me hallucinations, which I used to believe. I got married on the back of an Ayahuasca trip, because it was all so convincing for me. It was with a proper Shaman. I felt so in touch with my higher self (as I then believed in it). Now my marriage is over, and I am having to face the reality that all my visions were not true, and that I am a woman with a mental illness that I can find no treatment that helps. My days are spent panicking and wanting to die, and every night I am scared of going to sleep, because the next morning it starts all over again.
I have read up on whether Ayahuasca helps depression, and there are very mixed reports. I am dubious as to whether it does - if the reports were more promising I would return to it like a shot, but just not listen to the hallucinations.
I do love cocaine. I have only had it once, it was just beautiful. Meth and crack haven't tried. MDMA doesn't do much for me - I asked my psychiatrist if that meant anything re my brain, and he said "maybe just bad drugs" which wasn't helpful. I was hoping he was going to say something like - maybe I have no serotonin receptors, which would not surprise me....Basically, what do psychiatrists know. Maybe I will get some more cocaine....
I am a different person when I am happy (which I had for 11 days this year because of a supplement that then stopped working). I don't know how I can change myself, when all I am doing from the moment I wake up is suffering suicidal thoughts and panic. I would take anything to escape, and yet hardly anything helps.
For me, in general, psychedelics make me hallucinate - it's all Kabbalah, mysticism, Hindu Gods and Goddesses, also Egyptian ones. I am thoroughly fed up of it. I used to believe in all of it - and now it is pointless to me. My Ayahuasca story - it's quite ridiculous:
Ayahuasca was with a shaman in Spain, he is now deceased. It was part of a one week course, containing two ceremonies. The second ceremony took away my long-held self hatred (I used to wake up every day thinking I hate myself and I want to die, and after aya it was simply I want to die)...The vision was about choosing my mother to act like she hated me, because that was how much I hated myself. I tapped myself a lot on the forehead and everywhere else - I said I was "recalibrating." I also said during the ceremony while I was on teh Ayahuasca, that I was never drinking Ayahuasca again. I felt very in touch with my "higher self" as I then believed in it, so also believed never taking Ayahuasca again was the right solution.
My then boyfriend was desperate to marry me (even though I was entirely mad and moody and unsure about the relationship, and kept breaking up with him). On the Ayahuasca, in touch with what I believed was my higher self, I had a vision of our engagement ring, was told the name of the crystal for it (which I had never heard of before) and was told everyone celebrates when we get married. I also had a vision that we would have male twins.
Because of that vision, and because I trusted it so much, I got engaged and then married! The marriage was very unhappy for both of us, we rowed all the time. But still, I committed to it and believed it would work, because of what I saw when I was high. As I increasingly realised the severity of my depression, and more recently my mental illness, nevertheless I still believed my husband and I would stay together and we would have male twins.
We separated just last year. I am still grieving because I ended up feeling so much commitment to the marriage, and so invested in it working. Though now I increasingly know that nothing helps me, and that I will not get better.
Now my marriage is over and I have learned to take everything seen on psychedelics with a big pinch of salt. Everything I ever believed in crumbled away.
I'm sorry this all makes me sound so grumpy.
I don't think psychedelics can do anything lasting for me - I have taken a lot of LSD it doesn't help me anymore, even on the day I take it. Besides look at Jim Morrison!!! He took so much LSD it is TERRIFYING!!! He was practically pickled in it.
Mushrooms nowadays, after one beautiful experience many years ago, just turn my stomach into knots and make me cry because I hallucinate with regrets about being so ill in my marriage, and there is nothing I can do about the grief or shame of that. I feel like they are bleeding my brain with tears. That is how I would describe it. Just horrible.
I have also tried: Peyote - first time a massive vision about Tantra/Kabbalah and also grief for an abortion I had, second time nothing
Ibogaine - at home - not recommended at home!
Kambo - made me feel better the first time for two weeks, since then does nothing for me.
5 MEO-DMT - told me to write a letter to an ex of mine, which on sobering up I knew was a very bad idea
DMT - didn't last that long
What else is there to try?!!!
