Am I a horrible person?

[wildflowers1996]

I'm 28 now, but I keep thinking about when I was in school. I was the "weird quiet girl" and made fun of a lot. Because of my body dysmorphic disorder, I always assumed it was because I was ugly or unstylish or didn't know how to look after my appearance properly. Looking back, it may have been more to do with the fact that I was just really awkward. Probably a bit of both, idek.

Anyway there was this guy with autism who also didn't really know how to act socially and people took advantage of this and made fun of him. I didn't have anything against him but people thought it'd be fun to try to set us up. They kept encouraging him to flirt with me and he didn't realise it was making me uncomfortable.

Probably everyone else did but they kept encouraging it because it was funny to them. I remember sitting in the library and reading and him coming up to talk to me. I was always trying to avoid him, and I didn't know what to say so I would just give one word answers in the hope he would go away. I wish I had been kinder to him but I didn't want to encourage him. I feel horrible saying this, but not only was I not interested (I didn't want to be in a relationship with ANYONE whilst feeling so bad about myself), I cringed at the idea of us as a couple because we'd be two unattractive weirdos together. Anyway I just didn't know what to do so I got up and walked away from him, and then I realised there was a whole group of students all hiding together in the next part of the library who had been secretly encouraging him to do this and watching.

I hate talking about him like that because he wasn't a horrible person or anything I felt harassed, but I don't blame him, because I honestly don't think he realised how it was affecting me. It was so embarrassing though; he would come into school and tell people he'd masturbated over me, and people would get him to jump out at me pretending to be a rapist. I know he had absolutely no intention of actually hurting me but it was all so humiliating. He didn't seem to realise we were both being laughed at; I did. Then one time my peers got him to put his arm around me on the school bus and I was so uncomfortable and I knew everyone was laughing and then the teacher saw and yelled at him so much. I felt really bad afterwards, because I didn't think he was the one who should've been yelled at. He didn't mean any harm – it was the other students who knew what they were doing. I remember his response was "I guess I'll go cut myself" and then one of the other students (who had encouraged him to put his arm round me) came up to me afterward and said "did you hear what he said? He's going to cut himself because of you".

I still feel guilty about this even now. Guilty for thinking about him in such an insulting way, and for being embarrassed by him, and for not being kinder, when I KNOW the pain of not fitting in, and being laughed at, and being undesirable, and I know he's a human being who needs connection and compassion just like everyone else. I remember he found out my address when I never gave it to him, and I was so annoyed that he must've followed me, and he once turned up at my house uninvited.

I feel bad for being annoyed; I really do. Because he was probably just really lonely. And I feel shallow and hypocritical for not being attracted to him or wanting him around me. Because I know it sucks to be rejected, and to be made to feel unattractive, undesirable. I remember a girl calling him "ugly as fuck" behind his back and just ugh. The idea of people talking about me behind my back like that hurts so much (which they probably did tbh) and I hate, HATE that my first thought is "I agree". I feel so incredibly mean, but is it really my fault for feeling that way?

Honestly I'm just mad at God for making people unattractive/socially awkward; it feels so cruel. Btw, he actually apologised to me in the end. I think eventually he realised how uncomfortable I'd been made to feel, and he admitted he just didn't know what to do so he just did what people told him to do. I am not mad at him at all. He was probably nicer and kinder than most people at my school and I kind of hate myself by feeling offput by him and being so shallow. Especially when it's not like I'm pretty myself. Ugh. I keep thinking about him and how he's probably going to have such a difficult/lonely life.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

This is just my opinion but I don't think that you (or the autistic person in your story) is the bad person here. I think that the people who set the autistic person up are the bad people here as they are exploiting somebody's condition for their own amusement.

 

[wildflowers1996]

This is just my opinion but I don't think that you (or the autistic person in your story) is the bad person here. I think that the people who set the autistic person up are the bad people here as they are exploiting somebody's condition for their own amusement.

yeah, I remember feeling mad at them rather than him. :( I know they were just teenagers and probably wouldn't do that kind of thing now. But I do also feel mad at myself for having such mean thoughts about him. He doesn't deserve to be thought about that way, or for people to make fun of him like that. I hope he can find someone less shallow than me who values him for who he is as a person, but honestly the world is cruel and I don't know if I see that happening.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

yeah, I remember feeling mad at them rather than him. :( I know they were just teenagers and probably wouldn't do that kind of thing now. But I do also feel mad at myself for having such mean thoughts about him. He doesn't deserve to be thought about that way, or for people to make fun of him like that. I hope he can find someone less shallow than me who values him for who he is as a person, but honestly the world is cruel and I don't know if I see that happening.

You're right about him not deserving to be thought of that way but are you really a bad person if you're able to acknowledge this and you feel so much guilt about it to where you made a thread about it? Like you say though, the world is cruel and I also doubt him finding somebody nice but at least you see him as a person now, right? I wish both him and you all the best

 

[Ashes of a Dreamer]

It's complicated because we don't chose who we desire or not, so you don't have to feel guilty for that. In your place, I'd try to befriend him, mentioning, however, that things wouldn't work in the way he was intending - would he feel friendzoned? Of course, but you can obligue yourself doing something you don't want to just for others sake, I guess. And I would mention it be better for him to avoid the people who were making fun of his situation.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think you're the bad person in this at all. All those arseholes that set this up were the cruel ones. Really- the guy and you were the scared participants in their twisted game. You both (understandably) acted out of fear because you were afraid otherwise, they'd pick on you more.

I don't think it was his 'fault' that he liked you but I don't think the way you described that you reacted was exactly rude either. You've already described how he didn't seem to pick up on social cues. Again, not his fault but- had you acted friendlier, that may only have encouraged him in the long run. Which would ultimately have been more cruel when you had to tell him you weren't interested.

I can understand you feeling bad for him but, hating being in those situations. But, I don't think the responsibilty of any of it is on you. I expect he fully realises that. Especially seeing as he apologised to you. He likely feels the same way.

Children are so cruel. There is that as well though- you were (presumably) children at the time. I think maybe we get slightly better at handling situations like this as we get older. I used to be terrified of being bullied as a child. I'd even (shamefully) engage in bullying behaviour with the small group I was in to avoid them turning on me. Nothing as serious as what happened to you but still stuff I wince at now. Someone would take the piss out of someone else's clothing and, we'd all join in. I'd like to think now, I would confront the bully themselves or, support the person being picked on. We don't always have that strength when we're young though. Really- he could have stood up to them too. But, it's understandable you were both scared, so went along with it.

He may be doing better than you think. You just don't really know. School could be so difficult though. At least we're not in it now. That's one good thing.

 

[resurgence]

was reading this waiting to get to the part where you did something bad and it just didnt come.
you were bullied and rejected the dude that was also being bullied that was fixated on you

I still feel guilty about this even now. Guilty for thinking about him in such an insulting way, and for being embarrassed by him, and for not being kinder, when I KNOW the pain of not fitting in, and being laughed at, and being undesirable, and I know he's a human being who needs connection and compassion just like everyone else. I remember he found out my address when I never gave it to him, and I was so annoyed that he must've followed me, and he once turned up at my house uninvited.

I feel bad for being annoyed; I really do. Because he was probably just really lonely. And I feel shallow and hypocritical for not being attracted to him or wanting him around me. Because I know it sucks to be rejected, and to be made to feel unattractive, undesirable.

this isnt your fault though. you both were kids being bullied and you couldnt of saved him from it if you tried. it really isnt at all and the fact that still to this day you feel guilty and like you are a bad person for this means you for sure arent a bad person. a bad person wouldnt even do half of this.
please try to be kinder to yourself, you honestly sound like such a sweet person.

 

[mya_]

You shouldn't feel bad about yourself. In the end, it was the other people laughing at both of you. I don't think he's angry with you either, he probably understood the situation.
In general, being bullied traumatizes you in one way or another, and it makes you think that some of the situations are your fault when they're not. It's not your fault that you didn't feel attracted to him and didn't know how to handle that situation at the time; you were just a teenager.

 

[RoyalBengalAutistic]

I didn't read your full post. But if you are having this thought, you are probably not as bad as you think.