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peacetime

Student
Dec 27, 2022
114
I think I have bipolar or a tendency to go through psychosis. I spoke to a doctor about it while getting a depression and anxiety diagnosis, but they couldn't diagnose me with it because even though what I told them sounded like bipolar, I have zero social connections who could corroborate my view of the events. And I was also taking or getting off of depression meds in some of the phases.

Whatever the case may be, I'm a massive fuck up. At age 23, while feeling fantastic for a few months, I got my shit together and went through the entrance exam of the top university in my country, and got in. But a few years into it, I quit and cannot get back in. I fucked up the biggest opportunity of my life because of my mental illness or just my retardation, take your pick.

Now, I'm 27, and I am honestly barely functioning. I applied to a "low tier" university and got in. Studying will be very difficult, I feel weak and low energy -- basically my regular state to be honest. I can complete a Bachelor's now in a little less than 2 years probably, with some of my previous courses being accredited. I've looked at average salaries and I can make good money and have a good future in this field (BBA), but I just feel horrible about having been at the best university and having dropped out due to what is sort of a temporary, recurring mental fuckery that I have. I don't even want to tell people I was at that university because now I'm at a far worse one, and I don't want to explain how I dropped out and popped back in at my current one. I also don't know if I'm actually able to work. I wouldn't be, if I had to start working right now.

This is all incredibly prideful of me. I don't have any social connections, so I don't know where all my pride comes from.
I also have fears that I will just get through a shitty phase again and drop out, again, but I've identified shame and pride as being my biggest problems.

How do I get past something like this? I think my brain is just fucked and I focus on irrelevant things, and loop on the thoughts. I honestly could have killed myself if I had had SN due to my wounded pride. And I hate myself because I'm smart and score high on tests, but I'm also mentally ill and just very low functioning a lot of the time. It feels like a shitty existence and I don't want it, but I'm trapped.
 
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Celerity

Celerity

shape without form, shade without colour
Jan 24, 2021
2,732
29 here with a similar trajectory in my life and probable bipolar. I don't know the answer, but I just wanted to chime in to say you aren't alone. Trying lithium soon. This will be my last rodeo with medication.
 
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Reactions: Regen, yyytry and peacetime
P

peacetime

Student
Dec 27, 2022
114
29 here with a similar trajectory in my life and probable bipolar. I don't know the answer, but I just wanted to chime in to say you aren't alone. Trying lithium soon. This will be my last rodeo with medication.
Are you studying or working? What diagnosis did you get to get lithium?
 
T

timf

Enlightened
Mar 26, 2020
1,349
Prescription Lithium can be difficult to get to the right level. Here is a video by a guy in the UK who found a way to regulate his bipolar using over the counter lithium orotate.

 
AnxietyHangover

AnxietyHangover

Global Moderator
Aug 20, 2022
243
Be careful with your kidneys my dudes, lithium is harsh on kidneys.
 
Celerity

Celerity

shape without form, shade without colour
Jan 24, 2021
2,732
Are you studying or working? What diagnosis did you get to get lithium?
To the first question - both. Going back to school for something practical this time around. To cut my younger self some slack, I didn't know about this career then and may have considered it if I had. My psychiatrist has not shared with me his diagnosis, but I think he is going with BP II. He agreed with me that I do not meet the criteria for BP I.
Be careful with your kidneys my dudes, lithium is harsh on kidneys.
I am aware, but other mood stabilizers come with their own problems. I gained 30 lbs over 6 months on Seroquel. I also could not tolerate Lamictal due to severe dry eyes and sensitivity to light.
 

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