NSFW am i justified for leaving a person i knew for a decade in this way?

[mittymittens]

context: i knew this boy since i was 8 years old and have been in touch since then. at some points in our lives we were close and in the more recent years we werent but we were always still connected somewhat if that makes sense, until this year.

since he was 8 hes always liked me romantically and honestly never stopped it just the extent of it was differing each time and the last time i spoke with him he confirmed that he still liked me and i only started reciprocating those feelings sort of 2 years ago and those feelings came back this year. he is also extremely immature and disrespectful.

2 years ago august 2022, he asked if i could be his gf like many times before in the past but i ended up rejecting him and then after he asked if we could do a fwb. i said i would think ab it and i would get back to him. that next year about the same timeish (june 2023) i followed up on it and we both agreed to it. i followed up because well i was subconciously beginning to like him again and i honestly wanted to reconnect with him and be closer like old times and even expressed this to him asking if "we could be besties" and kept reaching out every year so we didnt lose that connection.

november of 2023, on a weekend, we did do something (iykyk) and in the end he promised me that he would not tell anyone about it , that he "respects women and wont tell anyone unless they did first" and i trusted him completely as this was my close friend at some point and i obviously was unaware of his true behavior.

on that monday i saw him and a friend of his looking at my direction and i knew what that implied and i knew he lied.

a mutual friend of ours, we will call her A (she/her), who mostly hangs around my friend group and hes not rly that close to her or even at the time when he told her, "A" told me that he told her but then told her not to tell me so he def knows he shouldnt be telling me and he knows that i wont be happy about it. if she wasnt even close to him because she told me then i doubt it was just two people that i know of who knows about it. she told me they had that call around december 2023 but she only told me months later as we werent close when it happened.

now for the question, i ended up unfollowing/unadding/unfriending him on every social media site i had him on in feburary 2024. he caught on and asked another mutual friend, ill call him "B" (he/him), he lowkey? tried to pressure "B" to tell him what happened between us about 2 weeks after i did that but ended up dropping it because our mutual friend wasnt obviously gonna reveal anything to him.

after "B" told me this--which he did immediately, i immediately felt bad and told "B" to tell him ill talk to him on our break and he responded very quickly to "B" agreeing to it but in the end i ended up just hiding from my usual spot so we never had that conversation because i felt weird that i had to reach out to him like always and i hadnt really thought on what i should say.

in the following months he would glance at me at times but especially in may and june of this year when it amplified, i saw him always looking at me, staring at times, lingering at times, one time even tried to eavesdrop on me and my best friends conversation when i was being loud and said "He LIED?!?" (wasnt ab him). during the last day we would ever see each other again and the last oppurtunity to talk in person about it, i walked past him and i saw from my perpherial vision that he stopped walking when he saw me just to look at me like almost like he wanted/planned to say something to me finally but didnt because i was walking out with my family and everything happened extremely quickly or any other reason.

around june too that same mutual friend "B" told me he told him that he still never really knew what happened between us. he also talked to mutual friend "A" around that time too and speculated my whole friend group hated him and she told him to just ask us and he goes "Nah" like he wants to find out information without actually confronting about it for whatever reason.

is it justified to leave a friend i knew for 10 years with these reasons without closure?
i just didnt really want to go up to someone that hurt me who i barely even talked to and explain why im hurt. but at the same time as someone who feels bad a lot and empathisizes with people i feel bad and i never wanted a friendship with someone who i still really care about to take such a left turn but i felt really hurt. i cannot speak to him now and wont be able to until october or end of september because hes in the military.

hes also someone i tried reconnecting with several times but it never really worked and in the beginning of asking him if we could be a fwb, i also told him he should hang around my friendgroup again after the summer and that i missed him and he said he would but he never did and now he also ended up telling "A" that he suddenly misses the group and wanted to be close to everyone again in the end but the reason why he spent time in my friend group at all in the first place was because he was trying to ask out one of my other friends in that group and then when he realized she wont reciprocate he stopped hanging out with the group.

honestly im not upset at the fact he told people in general. but instead more upset he told me something and did the opposite and promised me along with it too. i cut him off because i completely trusted his word and i felt betrayed and i knew he only told people for a interesting story to tell and/or to boost his image.

i dont know what if i did was right and i also dont understand him at all because he disrespected me and just didnt care about spending time with me enough to do it and when he wanted to i was already gone and i just dont understand that logic.

 

[tenshi天神]

you don't owe him an explanation and he seems like a big waste of your time. its so disrespectful of him to have done something like that when you trusted him. you did nothing wrong. & if he wanted to know badly enough, he could've confronted you about it. I hope you're able to move on from all this. good luck & much love.

 

[Labyrinth]

Knowing someone for a decade doesn't necessarily demonstrate a lasting connection. Quantity of time ≠ quality of friendship. You do whatever you want. Literally, you are the one who rules your life. Your choices must be respected unconditionally. Moving away from or approaching someone is your right.

A man's main motivation is his sexual appetite. Once satisfied, your interest decreases drastically, because dopamine hormones look for constant novelty to get the same pleasure as the first time. Men have a hypersexualized mind and libidinous acts are treated as triumphs in the circle of male friends. So it's not surprising that he told his secret.

Affective/sexual loneliness is one of the reasons why many people are on this forum. These events are apparently "normie" socio-psychocultural incidents.

 

[null_blank]

you don't owe him an explanation and he seems like a big waste of your time. its so disrespectful of him to have done something like that when you trusted him. you did nothing wrong. & if he wanted to know badly enough, he could've confronted you about it. I hope you're able to move on from all this. good luck & much love.

This is the exact reply. If he's going to treat you like that, you're so much better off just dropping him and moving on.

No friendship is worth all that pain. Even if he was a long time friend, even if he started out nice. He sure didn't end that way and I'm sorry you had to learn how awful some people can be. I've had some guys in my life turn out to be some real pieces of work, too.

Wishing you better days c:

 

[mittymittens]

Knowing someone for a decade doesn't necessarily demonstrate a lasting connection. Quantity of time ≠ quality of friendship. You do whatever you want. Literally, you are the one who rules your life. Your choices must be respected unconditionally. Moving away from or approaching someone is your right.

A man's main motivation is his sexual appetite. Once satisfied, your interest decreases drastically, because dopamine hormones look for constant novelty to get the same pleasure as the first time. Men have a hypersexualized mind and libidinous acts are treated as triumphs in the circle of male friends. So it's not surprising that he told his secret.

Affective/sexual loneliness is one of the reasons why many people are on this forum. These events are apparently "normie" socio-psychocultural incidents.

i get the men part viewing these acts as victorious so i understand to some extent why he would tell his guy friends but why tell MY friend who's a girl? like he was barely close w her and he still told her

 

[Cress]

I think as a general rule between friends confidentiality is extremely important. Even more so because you explicitly asked for the confidentiality And if you're pretty sure that he broke that agreement it's totally fair to break off the relationship.

Personally I talked to all sorts of different people and they confide in me all sorts of different things I always wondered why that is and I think It has to do with the fact that I never gossip And when friends ask me about another person's life I won't disclose even basic details. I believe people have a right to privacy and just because they chose to trust you with something doesn't mean you can randomly give it out to other people who they didn't authorize personally.

No matter how small or insignificant these sorts of things seem to be it really starts to add up and you can never know how gossiping and talking about people behind their back can come back to bite you. I learned that from a pretty young age. I'm sorry For everything that you're going through at the moment. Your logic sounds reasonable if you're doubting yourself.

 

[Genetic]

The trust and respect between friends is of utmost importance, and can be the deciding factor as to whether your friendship is something special or not. By the sounds of things it sounds like cutting him was the better option. Personally, I struggled to let go of friends who I knew weren't good for me purely because I had known them for a majority of my life. However, once I started to pile up all the little moments, all the tiny nitpicks I had started to stare me in the face when I thought of the person in question. If what your ex-friend has done to you has managed to override your thoughts with negativity regarding them, then I think it's safe to say that you made the right choice. Someone you know of 8 years should've been more than familiar with you in terms of your thoughts and feelings, so for him to disrespect a genuine wish of yours can be just a painful when coming from someone you're meant to trust as deeply as that.

Hope it gets better

 

[Zen0]

context: i knew this boy since i was 8 years old and have been in touch since then. at some points in our lives we were close and in the more recent years we werent but we were always still connected somewhat if that makes sense, until this year.

since he was 8 hes always liked me romantically and honestly never stopped it just the extent of it was differing each time and the last time i spoke with him he confirmed that he still liked me and i only started reciprocating those feelings sort of 2 years ago and those feelings came back this year. he is also extremely immature and disrespectful.

2 years ago august 2022, he asked if i could be his gf like many times before in the past but i ended up rejecting him and then after he asked if we could do a fwb. i said i would think ab it and i would get back to him. that next year about the same timeish (june 2023) i followed up on it and we both agreed to it. i followed up because well i was subconciously beginning to like him again and i honestly wanted to reconnect with him and be closer like old times and even expressed this to him asking if "we could be besties" and kept reaching out every year so we didnt lose that connection.

november of 2023, on a weekend, we did do something (iykyk) and in the end he promised me that he would not tell anyone about it , that he "respects women and wont tell anyone unless they did first" and i trusted him completely as this was my close friend at some point and i obviously was unaware of his true behavior.

on that monday i saw him and a friend of his looking at my direction and i knew what that implied and i knew he lied.

a mutual friend of ours, we will call her A (she/her), who mostly hangs around my friend group and hes not rly that close to her or even at the time when he told her, "A" told me that he told her but then told her not to tell me so he def knows he shouldnt be telling me and he knows that i wont be happy about it. if she wasnt even close to him because she told me then i doubt it was just two people that i know of who knows about it. she told me they had that call around december 2023 but she only told me months later as we werent close when it happened.

now for the question, i ended up unfollowing/unadding/unfriending him on every social media site i had him on in feburary 2024. he caught on and asked another mutual friend, ill call him "B" (he/him), he lowkey? tried to pressure "B" to tell him what happened between us about 2 weeks after i did that but ended up dropping it because our mutual friend wasnt obviously gonna reveal anything to him.

after "B" told me this--which he did immediately, i immediately felt bad and told "B" to tell him ill talk to him on our break and he responded very quickly to "B" agreeing to it but in the end i ended up just hiding from my usual spot so we never had that conversation because i felt weird that i had to reach out to him like always and i hadnt really thought on what i should say.

in the following months he would glance at me at times but especially in may and june of this year when it amplified, i saw him always looking at me, staring at times, lingering at times, one time even tried to eavesdrop on me and my best friends conversation when i was being loud and said "He LIED?!?" (wasnt ab him). during the last day we would ever see each other again and the last oppurtunity to talk in person about it, i walked past him and i saw from my perpherial vision that he stopped walking when he saw me just to look at me like almost like he wanted/planned to say something to me finally but didnt because i was walking out with my family and everything happened extremely quickly or any other reason.

around june too that same mutual friend "B" told me he told him that he still never really knew what happened between us. he also talked to mutual friend "A" around that time too and speculated my whole friend group hated him and she told him to just ask us and he goes "Nah" like he wants to find out information without actually confronting about it for whatever reason.

is it justified to leave a friend i knew for 10 years with these reasons without closure?
i just didnt really want to go up to someone that hurt me who i barely even talked to and explain why im hurt. but at the same time as someone who feels bad a lot and empathisizes with people i feel bad and i never wanted a friendship with someone who i still really care about to take such a left turn but i felt really hurt. i cannot speak to him now and wont be able to until october or end of september because hes in the military.

hes also someone i tried reconnecting with several times but it never really worked and in the beginning of asking him if we could be a fwb, i also told him he should hang around my friendgroup again after the summer and that i missed him and he said he would but he never did and now he also ended up telling "A" that he suddenly misses the group and wanted to be close to everyone again in the end but the reason why he spent time in my friend group at all in the first place was because he was trying to ask out one of my other friends in that group and then when he realized she wont reciprocate he stopped hanging out with the group.

honestly im not upset at the fact he told people in general. but instead more upset he told me something and did the opposite and promised me along with it too. i cut him off because i completely trusted his word and i felt betrayed and i knew he only told people for a interesting story to tell and/or to boost his image.

i dont know what if i did was right and i also dont understand him at all because he disrespected me and just didnt care about spending time with me enough to do it and when he wanted to i was already gone and i just dont understand that logic.

You don't owe him a damn thing, a promise is a promise, no matter the scale of it, it's not something a person should take lightly.
I'm not sure about you, but to me keeping a promise is has always been important. If he could break such an important promise on a a whim like that then I think it's safe to bet that he would've caused far more problems for you in future.

 

[antihydra]

Please move on. This cannot possibly be a one-off thing. I'm sure he's done something like this before, if not to you, then to somebody else. He will do it again. There are better people out there who are much more worthy of your time. Wishing you the best

 

[graysme]

You dodged a bullet there. Don't feel bad about what you've done, as there is nothing wrong, really. Most people we know from our childhood grow up to become someone completely different, most of the times they become incompatible with us. The fact that you've known him for 10 years doesn't change anything. Go on with your life, you don't owe him anything, stick with someone that respects you.

 

[QteStimBnnuy]

I know it's been mostly a week since, but randomly found it n I gotta be honest; If he's constantly asking you out and you're not interested. The "friendship" should have just been called off before any of this happened. As you said, many times before that you weren't interested and he needs to move on. It's even hinted that he was potentially going to but you kept it going. Not blaming or even thinking about what happened, just a point to be said for your own sake. As is before very questionable, but you gave him a shot. Guess it is what it is
In the betrayed you and your trust, directly just lying to you and going out to do the thing he said he wasn't going to. The act of him doing that was obviously not your fault as it was his actions, not yours n yeah he's an ass. Whether you tell a friend to tell him why and that you knew or not. It's more than justified to having left it and quite frankly should never start back up again

The fact he "doesn't possibly know" for the closure he needs is straight up bs to get to you, as you didn't seem much of the kind that was able to move on

Suppose I'm sorta half posting out of curiosity, has he left you alone. Where does it currently stand?

 

[mittymittens]

I know it's been mostly a week since, but randomly found it n I gotta be honest; If he's constantly asking you out and you're not interested. The "friendship" should have just been called off before any of this happened. As you said, many times before that you weren't interested and he needs to move on. It's even hinted that he was potentially going to but you kept it going. Not blaming or even thinking about what happened, just a point to be said for your own sake. As is before very questionable, but you gave him a shot. Guess it is what it is
In the betrayed you and your trust, directly just lying to you and going out to do the thing he said he wasn't going to. The act of him doing that was obviously not your fault as it was his actions, not yours n yeah he's an ass. Whether you tell a friend to tell him why and that you knew or not. It's more than justified to having left it and quite frankly should never start back up again

The fact he "doesn't possibly know" for the closure he needs is straight up bs to get to you, as you didn't seem much of the kind that was able to move on

Suppose I'm sorta half posting out of curiosity, has he left you alone. Where does it currently stand?

sorry for late reply but addressing the first paragraph, i know you said you didnt blame but i do want to add. i am a naive person to some extent even today and have been for the entirety of my life unfortunately (better word might be "innocent" but i dont like that word but naivety means ignorance i think and thats not me) just how i was raised and my environment. i did not know he didnt actually view me as a Friend realistically and that he always wanted more. It was honestly this year that i fully accepted the fact that he always saw me as more. I did not reciprocate from ages 8, 9, 10, and 11. i naively thought that eventually he would realize i would never reciprocate and i only saw him as a friend, i didnt want to cut him off because i really liked talking with him and i valued --and still do-- friendships over everything else. i also did not experience romantic attraction to anyone at those ages so i couldnt empathize the emotions that were attached to it and i thought that even though he did like me, at the end of the day he saw me as his best friend. obviously i realized now that this was probably not the case even if it saddens me a bit.
me and him reconnected at 15, and thats when i started reciprocating so cutting him off wouldve been contradictory.

i asked him for a fwb which was last year because at that point we really didnt talk anymore and he was already after another girl in my friendgroup that year who he only rly mostly talked to and atp he told me and other people he wouldnt date anyone for the remaining year he had left before he went to the military so i thought i was in the clear.
when i did ask for the fwb, we did start texting a good amount again which looking back now i think it did start up feelings again as he started saying stuff like "we dont have to always do IT everytime we hang out" and i think thats entirely on me. but that was during the summer and after the summer ended we stopped talking until 3-4 months later we ran into each other in the mall and Self explanatory things happened lol. after that, he just said happy thanksgiving to me 2 weeks later and then we never talked again and then i unadded him

should also clarify bcus i reread the og post and i worded it for some reason that made it sound like a certain way but, we didnt have sex but we did other things that were sexual. we planned to have sex that next week but it ended up falling through. admittedly i also was insecure by the fact it fell through because i know for a fact he fascinated about me for literal years and even now im confused as to why someone would let the chance (that wouldve made his fantasies real) go. he also apparently rly wanted to have sex with my former best friend back when they hooked up last year before i knew her, so that fact made me feel even more insecure. but when he started staring at me again he was already more than experienced.

he didnt know this but the reason why i hooked up w him was to reclaim my body after an unfortunate experience that happened to me.

i dont fully know if he ever reciprocated my feelings this year. all i have was that he looked at me everytime i spoke to other people if he was in the general area and that he stared at me a lot 2 months right before he went to the military and tried eavesdropping me which... sounds like it should be solid clues but this year i heard from friends who were more associated with him that he kindof ish turned into a fuckboy and had more attention from other women as he took care of his physiche not only that, he had garnered 5 sexual partners this year (last ive heard, entirely possible it couldve been more) and before this year he had no experience. also heard that he apparently used a girl that he supposedly was obsessed with for her body. so i cant tell if he still liked me or if he wanted to just do it with me

as for the last statement:
im like 80% sure (i wasnt looking directly just relying on my peripheral vision) the last time he ever saw me (we both knew in that moment it wouldve been probably the last time we would see each other) i remember walking past him with my family and he just stopped walking to look at me which was something he didnt do before. i dont know if he planned to ask me what happened between us since i did unadd him everywhere with no explanation,
apart of me theorizes hes afraid of confrontation of somesort if he believes the person is angry for X reason as we had issues in the past where he would get upset with me and then ignore me for 3 months without confronting me but i obviously knew he was upset and then one day he would randomly interact with me normally like he didnt just ignore me for Literal months.

yes he has left me alone, hes in the military now and will be for the next month and half and when he gets out i doubt he would contact me as months wouldve passed by then. but... unfortunately(?) i think we may be going to the same school next year and i wouldnt doubt i would run into him at least once.