Discussion Am I making the right choice? I need different perspectives

[Suicidal Little Boy]

(Warning: shit english, although its the only language I'm ok at as I suck both my language) Hi, I'm a 20 yrs old korean-filipino gay NEET for 3 years with almost normal physical but not mental health condition. I have so many problems about my future and I think everything is too late for me I will never be successful and will work as a typical depressed wage slave for the rest of my life. Ah shit here comes my untreatable adhd combined with my untreatable ocd incoherent sentences and ramblings and shit i hate myself i want to kill myself without any effort even though i really don't want to oh wait i can edit it later but imma forget it anyways so i guess you guys have to sort this out yourself lol ive got mild dysthymia although thats self diagnosed but the psychaitrist told me i have major depressive disorder so guys what do you think? Am I making the right choice of killing myself even though im super young and there could possibly be improvment even though i don't think so oh wait this is my first post lol i swear to god im not troll IM NOT A TROLL I JUST NEED TO LISTEN TO DIFFERENT OPINIONS AND PERSPECTIVES GODDAMMIT WAIT EVERYTHING I'VE WRITTEN HERE IS SO SCATTERED AND NONSENSICAL WTF I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE ANYMORE FUCK.

Sigh, at least this ordered faq-style form will be, hopefully, more coherent to you my fellow SanctionedSuiciders.

1. Whats up - Im generally in peace right now because I planned to kill myself so I don't have to worry about all my other problems like my future and stuff. Though I have dreams and things I want to do but I am always constantly overwhelmed, scatterbrained, low self esteem, self-loathing/hatred due to all my failures, no resilience to any problems and my family is not helpful at all and I have some mental illnesses (dysthymia, adhd but it can't be treated for some reason, ocd (skin biting, extreme perfectionism, rigid thinking), maladaptive daydreaming) but I really want to fix them but fixing them takes so much effort and I'm so fucking overwhelmed all the time (based on the advice I've read over multiple sites, I should start small but that to me is still impossible because everything has to be finished perfectly and at once (ocd is a bitch)). Oh also i have no friends but one best friend and she is a lesbian so we are gay besties.
2. Whats your current situation? - After I graduated high school in philippines I decided to study in a korean university and live in korea instead since its better than that shithole philippines (like no offense PH is super fucked right now with the new president) but surprise surprise I am not fluent in korean so i got expelled and I've been trying to learn korean myself but due to procrastination, perfectionism, being indecisive and lots more bad habits I never actually started doing anything good so I've done nothing for THREE FUCKING YEARS STUCKED AT HOME EVEN THOUGH I COULD DO BETTER and now I'm too late in everything. Oh since I am a korean I was conscripted to the army last november but I got out after a week due to my mental illnesses so as of now I'm undergoing medication and currently taking classes in a korean language institute but im failing lol its not that hard i should just focus and follow through but i cant even do that anymore I fucking hate myself i fucking ahte myself I FUCKING HATE MYSELF DAMMMMITTTT.
3. How's it like living as a undesirable skinny faggot nerd who achieved nothing - That reason itself is the reason enough for me to catch the next bus as soon as I can see one, but I hope survival insticts wouldn't be such a bitch.
4. What do you shit like you do in a daily basis - wake up, buy junk and shit foods using the money i shamelessly stolen from my father, watch pointless youtube videos and twitch streamers, jack off to porn, ruminate on how miserably i spent my entire day and sleep jacking off to porn again to drown out the feelings of self loathing and "responsibilites".
5. So what do you want from us? - I just want to know your thoughts and perspectives about my life in general. You can spew the most vile things to me and I won't mind one bit, so comment away guys!

 

[Smart No More]

Have you been told you're depression is treatment resistant? If so maybe you could try for ketamine treatment. It seems hard to get but if you're treatment resistant yoy have a chance. I was reading up on it earlier and actually I think I'd prefer it over any other antidepressants. I know this isn't a quick fix for your problem but thought I'd share as it was present in my mind and could hold some potential for you.

What Is Ketamine? How It Works and May Help With Severe Depression

Is ketamine a treatment for depression? What are the risks? Learn about the uses, benefits, and side effects of ketamine.

www.webmd.com

 

[Suicidal Little Boy]

Have you been told you're depression is treatment resistant? If so maybe you could try for ketamine treatment. It seems hard to get but if you're treatment resistant yoy have a chance. I was reading up on it earlier and actually I think I'd prefer it over any other antidepressants. I know this isn't a quick fix for your problem but thought I'd share as it was present in my mind and could hold some potential for you.

What Is Ketamine? How It Works and May Help With Severe Depression

Is ketamine a treatment for depression? What are the risks? Learn about the uses, benefits, and side effects of ketamine.

www.webmd.com

No its not my depression that is treatment resistant but my ADHD. The medication I've been taking for my dysthymia and OCD is not really working and I hate the side effects so I stopped taking it for 2 months now.

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel like only you know if suicide is the right choice as after all, only you are the one who is living your life and it is your life and your decision. It does sound like you are going through a lot and I can imagine that it must be stressful and tiring. I hope that you find relief from your suffering in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Aboutblue]

I was a NEET for a while. At least a year. I dropped out of college and spent all night watching anime and browsing 4chan and all day sleeping. It was totally whack and I hated myself so much, maybe even more than I do now. I hear that same self hatred from you but I can assure you it's not warranted. Not a thing you wrote is a reason to hate yourself. You're dealing with a lot. You're going through a lot. Cut yourself some slack. You said you have dreams and that's more than I can say I've ever had. You can accomplish them. It helps to start small and give yourself credit for tiny successes. And try to be kind to yourself. Don't call yourself shit. I know I talk to myself like that too but honestly it doesn't help. Just starting to think "would I speak that way to a friend?" can help you catch yourself.

Life is pretty shitty and nothing is easy but you are young and not yet out of options. You don't need to be so down on yourself for where you are in life. There's no point to life anyway so why be hard on yourself. You can still do something else if this is making you so miserable. I know I was miserable as a NEET. I wouldn't wish that kind of self hatred and feeling of being stuck on anyone. If I can get out of it, and even find love (and then lose it FML), then I know you can too.

 

[Suicidal Little Boy]

I was a NEET for a while. At least a year. I dropped out of college and spent all night watching anime and browsing 4chan and all day sleeping. It was totally whack and I hated myself so much, maybe even more than I do now. I hear that same self hatred from you but I can assure you it's not warranted. Not a thing you wrote is a reason to hate yourself. You're dealing with a lot. You're going through a lot. Cut yourself some slack. You said you have dreams and that's more than I can say I've ever had. You can accomplish them. It helps to start small and give yourself credit for tiny successes. And try to be kind to yourself. Don't call yourself shit. I know I talk to myself like that too but honestly it doesn't help. Just starting to think "would I speak that way to a friend?" can help you catch yourself.

Life is pretty shitty and nothing is easy but you are young and not yet out of options. You don't need to be so down on yourself for where you are in life. There's no point to life anyway so why be hard on yourself. You can still do something else if this is making you so miserable. I know I was miserable as a NEET. I wouldn't wish that kind of self hatred and feeling of being stuck on anyone. If I can get out of it, and even find love (and then lose it FML), then I know you can too.

After all my failures and indecisions my path to recovery and success is already extremely difficult to journey through and I don't want to ever feel miserable again. The end of the journey, my goals, is never really worth the miserable experience anyways so I don't really have anymore plans to live any longer.
Even though I am young and have the option to possibly turn things around (which I assume many would kill to have such an opporutnity) the suffering ain't worth it really as I have no more resilience to handle problems anymore I mean LOOK I am failing in my korean language studies even though it isn't that hard and I've got plenty of time to work it through but my brain I swear to god refuses to engage with it so I'm "Fine you win, lets kill ourselves" and my brain felt suddenly peaceful with the idea of dying and I think thats my intended fate. To no longer exist in this world. To die...

 

[breadlexington]

After all my failures and indecisions my path to recovery and success is already extremely difficult to journey through and I don't want to ever feel miserable again. The end of the journey, my goals, is never really worth the miserable experience anyways so I don't really have anymore plans to live any longer.
Even though I am young and have the option to possibly turn things around (which I assume many would kill to have such an opporutnity) the suffering ain't worth it really as I have no more resilience to handle problems anymore I mean LOOK I am failing in my korean language studies even though it isn't that hard and I've got plenty of time to work it through but my brain I swear to god refuses to engage with it so I'm "Fine you win, lets kill ourselves" and my brain felt suddenly peaceful with the idea of dying and I think thats my intended fate. To no longer exist in this world. To die...

Hey.

I want to tell you about a friend of mine who just got married.

He's not from the Philippines but he was born to a very conservative family in Malaysia. He knew he was gay from a very young age. He also has ADHD.

My friend lives in the US now. Not sure I'd recommend America, but there are so many countries out there that don't look at people in the LGBTQ community the way I understand your country does.

Lots of artists went through periods of their lives where they felt like they were failing. Lots of scientists didn't do anything for some time. Business people who later got rich were broke sometimes. Plenty of people who later live happy lives feel shut in sometimes. Who you are at 20 doesn't have to be who you are at 30, 40, 50, 60.

My friend had such a beautiful wedding. None of the friends who were there knew him when he was 20.

 

[Suicidal Little Boy]

Hey.

I want to tell you about a friend of mine who just got married.

He's not from the Philippines but he was born to a very conservative family in Malaysia. He knew he was gay from a very young age. He also has ADHD.

My friend lives in the US now. Not sure I'd recommend America, but there are so many countries out there that don't look at people in the LGBTQ community the way I understand your country does.

Lots of artists went through periods of their lives where they felt like they were failing. Lots of scientists didn't do anything for some time. Business people who later got rich were broke sometimes. Plenty of people who later live happy lives feel shut in sometimes. Who you are at 20 doesn't have to be who you are at 30, 40, 50, 60.

My friend had such a beautiful wedding. None of the friends who were there knew him when he was 20.

I understand you meant well but I told you, I simply don't like going through those miserable moments because those transient happiness and positive experiences is just not worth the overwhelmingly painful sufferings and negative experiences that last for a long fucking time.

I guess what FuneralCry said is right:

I feel like only you know if suicide is the right choice as after all, only you are the one who is living your life and it is your life and your decision. It does sound like you are going through a lot and I can imagine that it must be stressful and tiring. I hope that you find relief from your suffering in whatever you decide to do.

We are ultimately the only ones who can decide about this final decision and no one else can determine that.

 

[pointblank]

Damn, I wish we could've been friends. I'm from the PH too.