DeathOfKane
Member
- Apr 5, 2024
- 65
It's almost fucking laughable the situations I've been in all my damn life. It makes me so mad I'm calm, you know? Like everybody is driving me fucking nuts. Even the people I love. People seem to think I'm a mind reader and think they are one themselves.
NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO COMMUNICATE. THEN SUDDENLY IM THE FUCKING PROBLEM WHEN I ACT ACCORDINGLY.
I'm fucking SICK of playing mind games with everybody.
My entire life is just weird ass interactions with everybody.
It happens so much its honestly starting to look like people do this dumb shit on purpose.
This year alone has been a dumpster fire. I'm literally ready to ctb but I JUST got a job to finally buy the SN and supplies needed with it haven't even begun working yet. I literally wouldn't care if some of these people weren't tied to my god damn exit.
I'm tired of having stupid coversations and arguments with people who start the damn issue. For privacy I'll explain in the most discreet way.
Example 1) I was working on a certification to get a different job. Dude training me loses an important slip he needed to send off my documents. I did everything on my part. I went to go get the procedure required after training done. Call him up and ask him when he'll be there because his place was closed by the time I did it. He tells me come the next day and slip it underneath his door he'll get it when he returns. I do as he says. I LIVE AN HOUR AWAY FROM HIS STORE. He made it known he opens his business on all days of the week but only if he has a suffifcient amount of trainees. I say this because that means its not unheard of for him to be out one day and come in the next day no problem as long as he has enough trainees. So I'm thinking the jackass had continued the process. It's been a week and a half (process after he gets my slip takes 3 weeks.) This man never let anybody know he was out of state and wouldn't be back for a WEEK. I'm arguing with him because he goes from claiming he's the only one with access so unless I didnt bring it theres no reason its not here, to then changing up to saying he does let another person access his store. THEN beginning to blame my unplanned illness on the delay.
So I hung up on him because he's clearly too incompetent to deal with. He's using the fact that he said "when i return" to justify his bullshit. Had that dumbass told me he wasn't going to be back for a week I would've handed it in person and waited. My biggest issue is the fact that while I'm paitently waiting out my time NOTHING HAS FUCKING BEGUN. I tell him this part and he continues deflecting from his miscommunication. FOLLOWED HIS UNCLEAR DIRECTIONS AND SOMEHOW IT'S MY FAULT.(Issue resolved way later than it should have been.) I'm tired of old ass people acting incompetent and deflecting from their lack of braincells. He can go fuck himself, hes such a hypocrite because his entire thing he has going was quickness and effective communicating.
Example 2) In November I was beginning to start an assisited housing process to get out of the retraumatizing enviornment I'm in. Now I was aware from the jump that this could take long. They contact me 5 whole months later offering me a roommate. I literally don't want one at this point so I said nevermind. Now I know you're thinking, "Why apply if you don't want a roommate?". The answer is I was told I could have a chance to live by myself and if I had to get a roommate the maximum would be 2, have my own room and only share common areas. It's not like I had any other chances because leaving on my own has a high chance of me ending up homeless with a worse state of poverty. He called me back insisiting I reconsider and that it could be a great oppourtunity. (The assisted housing is specifically for mentally ill people. Its a requirement, so they already know the situation isn't great because I had to fill out my history to even apply.) I realize I cant die until I can get my supplies. The supplies take time to come as well so its not like I can order and call it a day by the beginning of the next week. I discuss it with my treatment team, I'm as actively suicidal as I was for all of my attempts so I really didn't see a point. But I can agree that until I get my means to ctb, I'd prefer to not constantly suffer C-PTSD in the same place it all occured. So I call back and tell him I'm willing to take up his offer. I go see him, sign some papers. He calls me several times when really it could've been one call, to ask extra questions for my application he has to send in. I answer every time and answer all his questions and clarifications to the best of my ability.
At the end of the call he says, verbatim, "Okay thank you {insert my name}, I'm sending in your application." HIS LITERAL WORDS TO ME. That was about a month ago.
Throughout the weeks I've been meeting with him and signing more papers and forms for him to speak to my team. My therapist was mentioning that after one sends in the application, they let you know within a matter of days what you specifically qualify for.
(this is why I applied. If you're able to prove to them you can be trusted alone then as long as theres space you have a chance to be.)
I found it weird he hadn't mentioned anything yet but figured with my luck of course the fast part is even slow. He had literally been keeping in touch with me for a seperate related service, so it's not like I hadn't seen or heard from him or he can't contact me. I didn't assume anything other than what he said could be true. He told me he's sending it in, I'm not gonna be in his ear every second with distrustful questions. But I should have been.
THIS WEEK, my therapist calls him herself to see how the process is going and see if she needs to give him any more information. HE FUCKING TELLS HER HE DOESN'T HAVE MY PAPERWORK. You see why I dont fucking bother with anything right? He's saying how he doesn't have the access to do that and that the papers that I know for a fact was brought to him(health records), he never got.
This is literally not a misconception on my part. This is a man who constantly fucking repeats what hes doing, to the point where its annoying. When I went to see him last month he said "we are filling out the application to see what you qualify for so I can get the process started" SO WHAT THE FUCK HAS HE BEEN WASTING MY TIME DOING?! IF HE DOESN'T HAVE ACCESS WHY WASTE MY FUCKING TIME AND LIE?!?!?!?!? THIS LITERALLY COULD'VE BEEN AVOIDED. If this man JUST said, "We're filling this out, I have to get the okay from so and so to get this out" or "We're almost done I have to give this to a coworker whos job it is to have access." I WOULD'VE BEEN FINE. ITS THE FUCKING LIES I HAVE PROBLEMS WITH. This man is not new. He's not ignorant to the way his job goes about things. He told me he had been there for several years and have helped many people. I'm over it and honestly thinking about dropping all this bullshit. I don't care anymore I'll just suffer the effects of staying where I am because I am TIRED of doing things and literally fucking nothing is happening. This is why im suicidal to begin with, nothing on this stupid fucking planet makes sense or is worth bothering with a dumbass process. Every chance at fixing my life I've ever tried has backfired and failed. I'm fucking done. This shit was gonna take long to begin with but to know nothings even started and that I'm LITERALLY AT SQUARE ONE IS FUCKING DEMOTIVATING.
Example 3) Partner (Long distance) has been fucking pissing me off. I don't feel appreciated at this point and talking about it wouldn't do shit. This is the freshest and honestly I'm over everything and shes making it worse. Its harder to write thing because I literally just went through this and thats why im even writing this post becasue she's pissing me off and I need somewhere to vent after responding to her messages from last night. To give you an idea of the way shes pissing me off, it's about the relationship and the love within it. I tried to break up with her in april after some revelations that honestly make me fucking suicidal and she knows that. I'm not in the space to be worrying about a relationship my focus is literally on my death. I told her I can't be a good partner like this. She refused to because of a promise to stay together from the year prior, basically saying she doesn't care she wants to stay together. Fine.
The relationship has literally never been the damn same and no talking about it doesn't help. Nothing will put it back on track because the issue is something we'll literally be stuck with for life. Theres no fucking undoing anything and she needs to accept that instead of trying to go back to something thats not possible. I honestly feel like shes been going about this very selfishly at this point. At the time when she called herself selfish (last week or so during a serious talk)I disagreed because it was for another reason. I do agree with her on that incident now, it was selfish. Anyways, heres the issue.
All the shit I tried to prevent with breaking up, is literally happening. She and I talk every single day for extended hours. We are CONSTANTLY together. We are eachothers only person to actually talk to, so yes i understand the codepedency part. I honestly feel like I'm becoming less codependant on her with hers worsening with me. I've been isolating because interactions with anyone are fucking tiring and a chat longer than 2 minutes gets old really fast. My life is trash and nothing in the fucking world makes sense. I've been trying to make sense of things and literally all the bad shit happening in my life is just the stupid fucking consequence of the actions people have done to me and the decisions they make that ONLY AFFECTS ME. I've blamed myself for fucking years when really the shit was never about me, and when people are like just accept it and you'll feel better, it means literally nothing. I've gotten to a stage of acceptance. I just dont give a fuck about anything anymore because theres no clarity I'll ever be able to get. Trust me, I've tried. All the answers are illogical bullshit and nonsensical actions. Nothings even worth doing. I have tried with every fiber in my body to do things or to change things, to make sense of it all. None of that shit matters becasue literally year after year it gets unberably worse. My efforts mean nothing. I'm exhausted. Point blank period. I dont give a shit about the future I don't even plan to be here for fall and really my plan was to barely see the summer.
My mental state is tanking and she wants to play fucking mind games. Last night shes texting me and she gets off of work and once she showers and settles in, asks to get on the phone. I said no. I'm literally so high I can barely understand english and I've got a headache. I'm not in the condition to be on the phone emotionally supporting another person. I tell her that. Like my heads literally hot and spinning and I was trying to make myself food. She clearly gets pissy about it and barely responds to me. Sends me a hug emoji and then coldly leaves. She usually says I love you and whatnot. This time is was just "Going to sleep, goodnight" No I love you or anything. So I match her energy. I get ready to actually got to bed because my medicine in kicking in and 10 minutes later my phone goes off with a possible important notification (I tell em by sound) so I got up to check it. I see 7 messages from her.
She hits me with these series of messagess.
I repeat verbatim.
"love you"
"What were you trying to make?"
"What's wrong?"
"Where'd you go?"
"Hasn't been that long."
"Needed to hear it, know whats true"
"bye"
This makes my blood boil because this shit made no god damn sense. Side note shes been knitpicking the phrase "love you" for fucking years. complaining that she doesn't like it literally demanding I "Fix It." Has literally HUNG UP if I don't say it the way she fucking likes. I don't mind it because the meanings are different based off of who I'm talking to. We had a whole thing about this last week as well where I explained myself. (related to the stuff you'll see after i finish explaining this. If you're still here. Don't blame you for leaving.) She just said okay to understanding how I view it but never said she felt differently. I find it weird that she says things to me she doesn't even like said to her.
So I responded clearly annoyed.
"Literally what are you talking about?"
"You said you're going to sleep and you said goodnight without saying anything so I didn't say anything. Then I'm going to sleep and you text back almost a whole 10 minutes later with the version of I love you that you literally don't even like."
"Then all the questions come after the conversation seemed to have ended."
"If you needed to hear it you would've said it. You didn't even say it the way you like. Why am I held to a standard you aren't? It bothers me that you still say it that way when you feel like it's inadequate."
"Goodbye."
"I'm going to bed. You ended the conversation over 10 minutes ago."
I go to sleep and wake up to bullshit honestly. It all just sounds like excuses for her behavior and shes honestly begun pushing me to the point where I don't care what the reasons are, I'm annoyed by it. She says shes an intentional and literal person like I am yet she assumes a whole lot rather than ask and hopes I assume too. I told her I need a break. I want my space.
Anyways her excuses were;
1.That I liked it and it doesn't bother her anymore after our talk. BUT SHE NEVER SAID THAT. She explained her side was that she doesn't like it and its not enough she never retouched on that. I explained myself and my part and she never once said she changed her mind or added any comment to mine that would insiunate shes okay with it. Just an acknowledgment of what I had to say. Mind you I had to force the conversation out of her because she didn't want to 'make it a thing'...I'm literally opening the floor for her to talk. So of course I'm not going to assume she magically changed her mind because thats not how our relationship works. I thought we agreed to disagree. She was mad about it because of her assumptions based off of what I said previously that she never clearified but chose to get mad at for years. She acts like shes joking but she's not because she makes issues out of it literally. All these years shes gotten upset and never wanted to say why until now. If its just a little joke why feel so strongly?
2.There's a lot happening and she wants to be on the same page and it's clear we aren't. She says its hard to have the conversations she wants to have with me. I'd be fine with that if she didn't act the way she does. Shes the one holding herself back from the conversations she thinks are desperately needed, yet acts out towards me when I LITERALLY DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT IT IS SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT. She apologized but it means nothing. She keeps doing it.
3.She wanted to talk to me still......THEN DON'T END THE CONVERSATION FOR NO REASON?! This isn't fucking tom and jerry. I'm not chasing you. If you say goodnight and end it, im not spamming your messages with bullshit, I'll say it back and talk to you tomorrow. I'm literally here for her more than her family is. I push aside my own discomfort and triggers even when she is my trigger, just to be there for her. I go out of my way to accomodate her, If im not available at the moment I try to make myself available as soon as possible because I know I'm all she has. I'm sure she does the same but I don't act like her when I don't get my way. I'm here everytime she needs me but two days of me saying no to just a fucking call is causing a damn problem. I had no issue continung to communicate with her but since she didn't get what she wanted she pushed me away. All those questions she asked she didn't care about them she just wanted me to come back. I'm not going off of a second thought action. She left because thats what she really wanted to do at that moment, it was her first choice and she took it. I don't care that she says she left so she wouldn't be cold because thats exactly whats she was. You don't get to push people away and wonder where they go. I'm not playing mind games with anybody I'm not a fucking child. Want me here or not? If so, then act like it.
This specifically annoys me because we just had a situation discussing this last week where I said I love you and she didn't say it back. So you know what? fine. I'm not pushing or forcing anybody to say anything just know I'm not saying it back.
She literally sat here and told me she felt like the only one who means it...so all that effort i've put into the relationship means not shit to you? fine.
Like I said, not forcing anybody. She explained it, claiming it was just a moment but I told her im not forgetting it. So to do this a week later? Yeah whatever, just a moment my fucking ass. I know you may wonder "why be with her then". We have 6 years worth of history and progress and I love her. Literal childhood sweetheart. But the shit shes doing is becoming a fucking turn off, we are not little kids anymore. I'm not going to keep putting effort into something clearly unappreciated. She keeps bringing up how hard things for her like we aren't both going through shit yet everytime we have an issue its something she fucking started. I put in double effort to make sure Im mindful of how I talk to her and its like she doesn't even bother sometimes.
Her off putting behavior is making me not want to bother having these "important" conversations.
This shit can't possibly just be me who keeps experiencing stupid things like this. It's making me angrier because its been like this for years. Only difference is the person and reason. I'm tired of being a bullshit magnet. It's too much to ask for simple communication and interaction apperantly. I already expect SO LITTLE from the world and it's given me reasons to not expect shit. Like actually. Asking for simple shit is too much for people.
NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO COMMUNICATE. THEN SUDDENLY IM THE FUCKING PROBLEM WHEN I ACT ACCORDINGLY.
I'm fucking SICK of playing mind games with everybody.
My entire life is just weird ass interactions with everybody.
It happens so much its honestly starting to look like people do this dumb shit on purpose.
This year alone has been a dumpster fire. I'm literally ready to ctb but I JUST got a job to finally buy the SN and supplies needed with it haven't even begun working yet. I literally wouldn't care if some of these people weren't tied to my god damn exit.
I'm tired of having stupid coversations and arguments with people who start the damn issue. For privacy I'll explain in the most discreet way.
Example 1) I was working on a certification to get a different job. Dude training me loses an important slip he needed to send off my documents. I did everything on my part. I went to go get the procedure required after training done. Call him up and ask him when he'll be there because his place was closed by the time I did it. He tells me come the next day and slip it underneath his door he'll get it when he returns. I do as he says. I LIVE AN HOUR AWAY FROM HIS STORE. He made it known he opens his business on all days of the week but only if he has a suffifcient amount of trainees. I say this because that means its not unheard of for him to be out one day and come in the next day no problem as long as he has enough trainees. So I'm thinking the jackass had continued the process. It's been a week and a half (process after he gets my slip takes 3 weeks.) This man never let anybody know he was out of state and wouldn't be back for a WEEK. I'm arguing with him because he goes from claiming he's the only one with access so unless I didnt bring it theres no reason its not here, to then changing up to saying he does let another person access his store. THEN beginning to blame my unplanned illness on the delay.
So I hung up on him because he's clearly too incompetent to deal with. He's using the fact that he said "when i return" to justify his bullshit. Had that dumbass told me he wasn't going to be back for a week I would've handed it in person and waited. My biggest issue is the fact that while I'm paitently waiting out my time NOTHING HAS FUCKING BEGUN. I tell him this part and he continues deflecting from his miscommunication. FOLLOWED HIS UNCLEAR DIRECTIONS AND SOMEHOW IT'S MY FAULT.(Issue resolved way later than it should have been.) I'm tired of old ass people acting incompetent and deflecting from their lack of braincells. He can go fuck himself, hes such a hypocrite because his entire thing he has going was quickness and effective communicating.
Example 2) In November I was beginning to start an assisited housing process to get out of the retraumatizing enviornment I'm in. Now I was aware from the jump that this could take long. They contact me 5 whole months later offering me a roommate. I literally don't want one at this point so I said nevermind. Now I know you're thinking, "Why apply if you don't want a roommate?". The answer is I was told I could have a chance to live by myself and if I had to get a roommate the maximum would be 2, have my own room and only share common areas. It's not like I had any other chances because leaving on my own has a high chance of me ending up homeless with a worse state of poverty. He called me back insisiting I reconsider and that it could be a great oppourtunity. (The assisted housing is specifically for mentally ill people. Its a requirement, so they already know the situation isn't great because I had to fill out my history to even apply.) I realize I cant die until I can get my supplies. The supplies take time to come as well so its not like I can order and call it a day by the beginning of the next week. I discuss it with my treatment team, I'm as actively suicidal as I was for all of my attempts so I really didn't see a point. But I can agree that until I get my means to ctb, I'd prefer to not constantly suffer C-PTSD in the same place it all occured. So I call back and tell him I'm willing to take up his offer. I go see him, sign some papers. He calls me several times when really it could've been one call, to ask extra questions for my application he has to send in. I answer every time and answer all his questions and clarifications to the best of my ability.
At the end of the call he says, verbatim, "Okay thank you {insert my name}, I'm sending in your application." HIS LITERAL WORDS TO ME. That was about a month ago.
Throughout the weeks I've been meeting with him and signing more papers and forms for him to speak to my team. My therapist was mentioning that after one sends in the application, they let you know within a matter of days what you specifically qualify for.
(this is why I applied. If you're able to prove to them you can be trusted alone then as long as theres space you have a chance to be.)
I found it weird he hadn't mentioned anything yet but figured with my luck of course the fast part is even slow. He had literally been keeping in touch with me for a seperate related service, so it's not like I hadn't seen or heard from him or he can't contact me. I didn't assume anything other than what he said could be true. He told me he's sending it in, I'm not gonna be in his ear every second with distrustful questions. But I should have been.
THIS WEEK, my therapist calls him herself to see how the process is going and see if she needs to give him any more information. HE FUCKING TELLS HER HE DOESN'T HAVE MY PAPERWORK. You see why I dont fucking bother with anything right? He's saying how he doesn't have the access to do that and that the papers that I know for a fact was brought to him(health records), he never got.
This is literally not a misconception on my part. This is a man who constantly fucking repeats what hes doing, to the point where its annoying. When I went to see him last month he said "we are filling out the application to see what you qualify for so I can get the process started" SO WHAT THE FUCK HAS HE BEEN WASTING MY TIME DOING?! IF HE DOESN'T HAVE ACCESS WHY WASTE MY FUCKING TIME AND LIE?!?!?!?!? THIS LITERALLY COULD'VE BEEN AVOIDED. If this man JUST said, "We're filling this out, I have to get the okay from so and so to get this out" or "We're almost done I have to give this to a coworker whos job it is to have access." I WOULD'VE BEEN FINE. ITS THE FUCKING LIES I HAVE PROBLEMS WITH. This man is not new. He's not ignorant to the way his job goes about things. He told me he had been there for several years and have helped many people. I'm over it and honestly thinking about dropping all this bullshit. I don't care anymore I'll just suffer the effects of staying where I am because I am TIRED of doing things and literally fucking nothing is happening. This is why im suicidal to begin with, nothing on this stupid fucking planet makes sense or is worth bothering with a dumbass process. Every chance at fixing my life I've ever tried has backfired and failed. I'm fucking done. This shit was gonna take long to begin with but to know nothings even started and that I'm LITERALLY AT SQUARE ONE IS FUCKING DEMOTIVATING.
Example 3) Partner (Long distance) has been fucking pissing me off. I don't feel appreciated at this point and talking about it wouldn't do shit. This is the freshest and honestly I'm over everything and shes making it worse. Its harder to write thing because I literally just went through this and thats why im even writing this post becasue she's pissing me off and I need somewhere to vent after responding to her messages from last night. To give you an idea of the way shes pissing me off, it's about the relationship and the love within it. I tried to break up with her in april after some revelations that honestly make me fucking suicidal and she knows that. I'm not in the space to be worrying about a relationship my focus is literally on my death. I told her I can't be a good partner like this. She refused to because of a promise to stay together from the year prior, basically saying she doesn't care she wants to stay together. Fine.
The relationship has literally never been the damn same and no talking about it doesn't help. Nothing will put it back on track because the issue is something we'll literally be stuck with for life. Theres no fucking undoing anything and she needs to accept that instead of trying to go back to something thats not possible. I honestly feel like shes been going about this very selfishly at this point. At the time when she called herself selfish (last week or so during a serious talk)I disagreed because it was for another reason. I do agree with her on that incident now, it was selfish. Anyways, heres the issue.
All the shit I tried to prevent with breaking up, is literally happening. She and I talk every single day for extended hours. We are CONSTANTLY together. We are eachothers only person to actually talk to, so yes i understand the codepedency part. I honestly feel like I'm becoming less codependant on her with hers worsening with me. I've been isolating because interactions with anyone are fucking tiring and a chat longer than 2 minutes gets old really fast. My life is trash and nothing in the fucking world makes sense. I've been trying to make sense of things and literally all the bad shit happening in my life is just the stupid fucking consequence of the actions people have done to me and the decisions they make that ONLY AFFECTS ME. I've blamed myself for fucking years when really the shit was never about me, and when people are like just accept it and you'll feel better, it means literally nothing. I've gotten to a stage of acceptance. I just dont give a fuck about anything anymore because theres no clarity I'll ever be able to get. Trust me, I've tried. All the answers are illogical bullshit and nonsensical actions. Nothings even worth doing. I have tried with every fiber in my body to do things or to change things, to make sense of it all. None of that shit matters becasue literally year after year it gets unberably worse. My efforts mean nothing. I'm exhausted. Point blank period. I dont give a shit about the future I don't even plan to be here for fall and really my plan was to barely see the summer.
My mental state is tanking and she wants to play fucking mind games. Last night shes texting me and she gets off of work and once she showers and settles in, asks to get on the phone. I said no. I'm literally so high I can barely understand english and I've got a headache. I'm not in the condition to be on the phone emotionally supporting another person. I tell her that. Like my heads literally hot and spinning and I was trying to make myself food. She clearly gets pissy about it and barely responds to me. Sends me a hug emoji and then coldly leaves. She usually says I love you and whatnot. This time is was just "Going to sleep, goodnight" No I love you or anything. So I match her energy. I get ready to actually got to bed because my medicine in kicking in and 10 minutes later my phone goes off with a possible important notification (I tell em by sound) so I got up to check it. I see 7 messages from her.
She hits me with these series of messagess.
I repeat verbatim.
"love you"
"What were you trying to make?"
"What's wrong?"
"Where'd you go?"
"Hasn't been that long."
"Needed to hear it, know whats true"
"bye"
This makes my blood boil because this shit made no god damn sense. Side note shes been knitpicking the phrase "love you" for fucking years. complaining that she doesn't like it literally demanding I "Fix It." Has literally HUNG UP if I don't say it the way she fucking likes. I don't mind it because the meanings are different based off of who I'm talking to. We had a whole thing about this last week as well where I explained myself. (related to the stuff you'll see after i finish explaining this. If you're still here. Don't blame you for leaving.) She just said okay to understanding how I view it but never said she felt differently. I find it weird that she says things to me she doesn't even like said to her.
So I responded clearly annoyed.
"Literally what are you talking about?"
"You said you're going to sleep and you said goodnight without saying anything so I didn't say anything. Then I'm going to sleep and you text back almost a whole 10 minutes later with the version of I love you that you literally don't even like."
"Then all the questions come after the conversation seemed to have ended."
"If you needed to hear it you would've said it. You didn't even say it the way you like. Why am I held to a standard you aren't? It bothers me that you still say it that way when you feel like it's inadequate."
"Goodbye."
"I'm going to bed. You ended the conversation over 10 minutes ago."
I go to sleep and wake up to bullshit honestly. It all just sounds like excuses for her behavior and shes honestly begun pushing me to the point where I don't care what the reasons are, I'm annoyed by it. She says shes an intentional and literal person like I am yet she assumes a whole lot rather than ask and hopes I assume too. I told her I need a break. I want my space.
Anyways her excuses were;
1.That I liked it and it doesn't bother her anymore after our talk. BUT SHE NEVER SAID THAT. She explained her side was that she doesn't like it and its not enough she never retouched on that. I explained myself and my part and she never once said she changed her mind or added any comment to mine that would insiunate shes okay with it. Just an acknowledgment of what I had to say. Mind you I had to force the conversation out of her because she didn't want to 'make it a thing'...I'm literally opening the floor for her to talk. So of course I'm not going to assume she magically changed her mind because thats not how our relationship works. I thought we agreed to disagree. She was mad about it because of her assumptions based off of what I said previously that she never clearified but chose to get mad at for years. She acts like shes joking but she's not because she makes issues out of it literally. All these years shes gotten upset and never wanted to say why until now. If its just a little joke why feel so strongly?
2.There's a lot happening and she wants to be on the same page and it's clear we aren't. She says its hard to have the conversations she wants to have with me. I'd be fine with that if she didn't act the way she does. Shes the one holding herself back from the conversations she thinks are desperately needed, yet acts out towards me when I LITERALLY DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT IT IS SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT. She apologized but it means nothing. She keeps doing it.
3.She wanted to talk to me still......THEN DON'T END THE CONVERSATION FOR NO REASON?! This isn't fucking tom and jerry. I'm not chasing you. If you say goodnight and end it, im not spamming your messages with bullshit, I'll say it back and talk to you tomorrow. I'm literally here for her more than her family is. I push aside my own discomfort and triggers even when she is my trigger, just to be there for her. I go out of my way to accomodate her, If im not available at the moment I try to make myself available as soon as possible because I know I'm all she has. I'm sure she does the same but I don't act like her when I don't get my way. I'm here everytime she needs me but two days of me saying no to just a fucking call is causing a damn problem. I had no issue continung to communicate with her but since she didn't get what she wanted she pushed me away. All those questions she asked she didn't care about them she just wanted me to come back. I'm not going off of a second thought action. She left because thats what she really wanted to do at that moment, it was her first choice and she took it. I don't care that she says she left so she wouldn't be cold because thats exactly whats she was. You don't get to push people away and wonder where they go. I'm not playing mind games with anybody I'm not a fucking child. Want me here or not? If so, then act like it.
This specifically annoys me because we just had a situation discussing this last week where I said I love you and she didn't say it back. So you know what? fine. I'm not pushing or forcing anybody to say anything just know I'm not saying it back.
She literally sat here and told me she felt like the only one who means it...so all that effort i've put into the relationship means not shit to you? fine.
Like I said, not forcing anybody. She explained it, claiming it was just a moment but I told her im not forgetting it. So to do this a week later? Yeah whatever, just a moment my fucking ass. I know you may wonder "why be with her then". We have 6 years worth of history and progress and I love her. Literal childhood sweetheart. But the shit shes doing is becoming a fucking turn off, we are not little kids anymore. I'm not going to keep putting effort into something clearly unappreciated. She keeps bringing up how hard things for her like we aren't both going through shit yet everytime we have an issue its something she fucking started. I put in double effort to make sure Im mindful of how I talk to her and its like she doesn't even bother sometimes.
Her off putting behavior is making me not want to bother having these "important" conversations.
This shit can't possibly just be me who keeps experiencing stupid things like this. It's making me angrier because its been like this for years. Only difference is the person and reason. I'm tired of being a bullshit magnet. It's too much to ask for simple communication and interaction apperantly. I already expect SO LITTLE from the world and it's given me reasons to not expect shit. Like actually. Asking for simple shit is too much for people.
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