An ex messaged me out of nowhere yesterday

[Trav1989]

Okay, this is quite weird so let me start from the past. Prior to meeting my ex-wife I was in a relationship with a woman from 2016-2018 which ended abruptly after an argument about her talking to another guy behind my back and I broke up with her and kicked her out of my house two days later. A few months later I had met my future wife and married her in 2019 and we were together officially until earlier this year (but she had left me 4 months prior for another guy then another, then another, then another, etc). Fast-forward to yesterday.

My ex found me on Facebook and sent me a message telling me that she missed me and I was the only guy who treated her well and that she was engaged to a man she didn't love and wanted to make sure it's what she wanted to go through with. She asked how I was doing and I told her I was married and divorced my wife because she cheated on me and after some more small talk she told me that she still loved me. She even went as far as to say that she wants me to pick her up from her fiancés place in January after she gets her affairs in order because he is physically abusive and she wants to move in with me and restart.

I told her I wasn't sure and would have to think about things over the weekend.

I find this particularly odd because my SN will arrive next week and I am planning on CTB the first week of October...

I am not sure I can go through with another relationship after the trauma my ex-wife put me through and I most certainly did NOT expect my prior ex to write me. In fact, I had mostly forgotten about her because I knew she was with someone else but deep down I knew that she never wanted things to end between us but I was extremely straightforward back then and unforgiving.

I honestly still want to CTB and I'm not sure I even want to deal with this life anymore but despite me telling her she should stay with her fiancé multiple times she showed me pictures of the bruises from him hitting her which obviously made me think twice. I just feel very conflicted right now and as I mentioned above, I'm extremely traumatized due to what my ex-wife put me through and having to deal with life until next year at the earliest to see what becomes of this sounds like a living hell to me.

I told her that there are other men she could find than me but she kept insisting that she still had feelings for me and it was our chance to be together and that she tried to message me multiple times in the past when I was with my wife but I never noticed them at the time but when I looked in my inbox, yep they were there so I supposedly clicked them but didn't read them or reply back.

She has been contacting me off and on for years and this time I finally noticed her message within two weeks of me deciding to CTB.

I will admit that I do very much desire to CTB still and her messaging me doesn't change that fact in the slightest but I'm kind of aggravated because this gives me hope when I had none and I hate second guessing myself. I know how things go though, we'll be together for a few years and the honeymoon phase will end and then things will slowly deteriorate until nothing is left like every other relationship I've ever had that I didn't cut off early.

But then in the back of my head I'm thinking "maybe this is the one time things will work". I want to be out of this existence so badly and now this happens, it's like a cruel joke honestly. I've already promised myself that IF I even consider her offer I'm going to give it ONE chance and the moment I feel like things aren't going to work out during this time period I'm calling things off and moving forward with my plan anyways.

I'm just not sure that even if I do go through with the living option I have enough left to even offer somebody else because I've been through a lot and it just feels like a waste of time the more I think about it. My ex cheated on me the entire last year of our marriage with dozens of men by prostituting herself because I rarely bought her frivolous things and focused on paying the bills and putting food on the table. How am I to know that even though my prior ex says she is genuine that she isn't just putting up a front like my ex-wife did for years while she drained my savings?

I just feel very skeptical of it all and this further reinforces my belief that the only truth in life is death and that everything that happens in this existence other than that absolute is fabricated.

I'd like to know the opinion of others reading this post.

 

[Valhala]

Always give love a chance, even if the "honeymoon phase" will only last a few years. We are not eternal, so love doesn't have to last forever either, but while it lasts you can enjoy it. Sometimes a minute with the right person is worth more than a lifetime with anything. which other. Of course you should evaluate and make a decision yourself, this is just my general opinion.

 

[Ashu]

Always give love a chance, even if the "honeymoon phase" will only last a few years. We are not eternal, so love doesn't have to last forever either, but while it lasts you can enjoy it. Sometimes a minute with the right person is worth more than a lifetime with anything. which other. Of course you should evaluate and make a decision yourself, this is just my general opinion.

Right on.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I don't often comment on posts, but thought I should here. My reply may be quite messy as I'm not in the best place mentally, so I apologise for that.

She wants to use you to enable her to escape her abusive boyfriend, because she has no one to turn to. Simple.

Yes that was blunt, but 100% truthful. ..

You are exes for a reason, don't forget that. I have made mistakes of taking exes back, and trust me, it is a VERY bad idea, it WILL be the same. I took an ex back after a decade of no contact and well, all I'll say is: it ruined my fucking life. He ruined my fucking life (AGAIN). It took me years to rebuild myself, just like the last time he ruined my life, but this time I had to move hundreds of miles (secretly) to get away from him.

Don't make that mistake. Learn from your previous history with her. Life is about learning from our mistakes (for the record I was very young the first time, and thought he was different the second time) so do that and forget about her.

Your gut instinct is there for a reason, do NOT ignore it like I did. Shit people do not change.

She probably wants pity, why else would she tell you all that when you haven't even seen or spoken to her for years? Talk about oversharing. She is likely desperate, that's why she is planning ahead (planning for safety reasons so he doesn't notice she's left). That's a huge responsibility to take on, and one you shouldn't - she should go to a Women's Refuge where she can get the correct help and support, not into another relationship when she's just been abused, and she knows that - like I said, she's desperate and will do anything to get away from that piece of shit in her life.

Best of luck with it and always remember you're not responsible for others - you can help people in other ways, by giving them phone numbers, website addresses, advice etc (if you want to).

 

[RoadBLOCK]

Stay away from her, she only came to you after years? A hundred question marks

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I think this is pretty simple. Was she simply "talking" to another guy or was it more than that?

Disclaimer: I've never had an ex or a partner so I have zero experience when it comes to relationships.

 

[Davey40210]

Every situation is different so it's hard to comment. But it sounds like she was betraying your trust by talking to another guy behind your back. What's to say she wouldn't do it again? And she is asking you to pick her up from that guy's place? Sounds like she just needs someone as opposed to need you.

But you could consider it. I myself would take my ex back in a heartbeat. But that's because she didn't do anything wrong, and it was me who torpedoed the relationship due to whatever is inside me that wants to self destruct when anything goes well in my life.

 

[Trav1989]

Every situation is different so it's hard to comment. But it sounds like she was betraying your trust by talking to another guy behind your back. What's to say she wouldn't do it again? And she is asking you to pick her up from that guy's place? Sounds like she just needs someone as opposed to need you.

But you could consider it. I myself would take my ex back in a heartbeat. But that's because she didn't do anything wrong, and it was me who torpedoed the relationship due to whatever is inside me that wants to self destruct when anything goes well in my life.

I'm somewhat aware of the fact that she seems like the kind of person to "upgrade" regularly. She is like the type who gets a job that pays the bills but is always on the lookout for something better and eventually it all comes crashing down because she gets too far up the totem pole and can't cope so she falls back to the bottom and repeats this cycle endlessly.

I think this is pretty simple. Was she simply "talking" to another guy or was it more than that?

Disclaimer: I've never had an ex or a partner so I have zero experience when it comes to relationships.

I'm honestly not sure, I came inside from the back door after a smoke at 3am and she was in the bathroom and I overheard her talking to someone else on the phone and the way she was conversing with him was extremely provocative and sexual so it's quite possible.

 

[RoadBLOCK]

I'm somewhat aware of the fact that she seems like the kind of person to "upgrade" regularly. She is like the type who gets a job that pays the bills but is always on the lookout for something better and eventually it all comes crashing down because she gets too far up the totem pole and can't cope so she falls back to the bottom and repeats this cycle endlessly.

I'm honestly not sure, I came inside from the back door after a smoke at 3am and she was in the bathroom and I overheard her talking to someone else on the phone and the way she was conversing with him was extremely provocative and sexual so it's quite possible.

Bro just leave her

 

[Trav1989]

I don't often comment on posts, but thought I should here. My reply may be quite messy as I'm not in the best place mentally, so I apologise for that.

She wants to use you to enable her to escape her abusive boyfriend, because she has no one to turn to. Simple.

Yes that was blunt, but 100% truthful. ..

You are exes for a reason, don't forget that. I have made mistakes of taking exes back, and trust me, it is a VERY bad idea, it WILL be the same. I took an ex back after a decade of no contact and well, all I'll say is: it ruined my fucking life. He ruined my fucking life (AGAIN). It took me years to rebuild myself, just like the last time he ruined my life, but this time I had to move hundreds of miles (secretly) to get away from him.

Don't make that mistake. Learn from your previous history with her. Life is about learning from our mistakes (for the record I was very young the first time, and thought he was different the second time) so do that and forget about her.

Your gut instinct is there for a reason, do NOT ignore it like I did. Shit people do not change.

She probably wants pity, why else would she tell you all that when you haven't even seen or spoken to her for years? Talk about oversharing. She is likely desperate, that's why she is planning ahead (planning for safety reasons so he doesn't notice she's left). That's a huge responsibility to take on, and one you shouldn't - she should go to a Women's Refuge where she can get the correct help and support, not into another relationship when she's just been abused, and she knows that - like I said, she's desperate and will do anything to get away from that piece of shit in her life.

Best of luck with it and always remember you're not responsible for others - you can help people in other ways, by giving them phone numbers, website addresses, advice etc (if you want to).

Yeah, I feel as though she knows that I'm a stable person who knows what I want from life (contrary to me being on this forum) and I was always fair with her. She also knows that I lack ambition and am content with just the bare minimum. I am quite sure that if we were to get back together things would supposedly be going swimmingly for a good 6 months to a year before she would grow bored of being with me and then start looking for the next guy. Everyone has flaws and while mine are lack of ambition and straightforwardness she is somewhat extreme in regards to being the polar opposite.

If my past with her is any indication of her character she is always looking for the next "high" and relishes the chase over the reward, once she gets what she desires she grows bored and places her catch on a pedestal before going on the hunt again. She will emotionally play her partner and lie to get what she wants and weaponize sex.

My ex-wife was similar to this woman but far less overt about it, she would do things behind my back but would be extremely secretive about it and only admit such once she knew she had a path to move forward so I can honestly say I have a lot of experience with such behavior sadly.

As somebody who wears their heart on their sleeve and has always been very open it's become glaringly obvious when people who do not share the same beliefs present themselves to me. I've always been that "safety net" for women who are troubled throughout most of my adult life, they know I'm not abusive or manipulative but they also know they are only going to get what they see so it's a double-edged sword. I'm going to give them stability but they'll never realize their lofty goals with me either.

This has happened to me possibly a dozen times in my life, there have been a few occurrences where my ex's would show up at my doorstep late at night or early in the morning with nothing but their clothes on their back and ask me if they can stay, we then usually end up having sex, then end up in a short/medium-term relationship, they get a job, buy a car, meet some guy at work, then next thing you know they run off with him and a few years later they are back and it all repeats.

It would be nice to believe in true love but in all honesty, I'm 35 and I've never really experienced it. Yeah, I've felt it towards others but it was never reciprocated and the longer I live the more I realize that everything relating to this existence is just a fabricated lie and that it's very seldom to find truth in a fictitious existence filled to the brim with bad actors.

Every ounce of pain and loneliness I've felt has just contributed to me desiring to CTB more and more, it all just feeds the fire that has been burning in me for decades and is about to combust but knowing me I'll just douse it with some water and fade off into nothingness.

I'm but a stepping stone along a path and none of those who cross me will ever realize how reliable I was until I am no longer there and then I'll be replaced with another who fits my mold and the world will continue on without me like it has until the Earth's surface is turned into glass.

Bro just leave her

I'm not even with her, I fashioned this post to fish for opinions regarding my future course of actions, I already believe that such will not pan out in my favor but just wished to see what others thought.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Yeah, I feel as though she knows that I'm a stable person who knows what I want from life (contrary to me being on this forum) and I was always fair with her. She also knows that I lack ambition and am content with just the bare minimum. I am quite sure that if we were to get back together things would supposedly be going swimmingly for a good 6 months to a year before she would grow bored of being with me and then start looking for the next guy. Everyone has flaws and while mine are lack of ambition and straightforwardness she is somewhat extreme in regards to being the polar opposite.

If my past with her is any indication of her character she is always looking for the next "high" and relishes the chase over the reward, once she gets what she desires she grows bored and places her catch on a pedestal before going on the hunt again. She will emotionally play her partner and lie to get what she wants and weaponize sex.

My ex-wife was similar to this woman but far less overt about it, she would do things behind my back but would be extremely secretive about it and only admit such once she knew she had a path to move forward so I can honestly say I have a lot of experience with such behavior sadly.

As somebody who wears their heart on their sleeve and has always been very open it's become glaringly obvious when people who do not share the same beliefs present themselves to me. I've always been that "safety net" for women who are troubled throughout most of my adult life, they know I'm not abusive or manipulative but they also know they are only going to get what they see so it's a double-edged sword. I'm going to give them stability but they'll never realize their lofty goals with me either.

This has happened to me possibly a dozen times in my life, there have been a few occurrences where my ex's would show up at my doorstep late at night or early in the morning with nothing but their clothes on their back and ask me if they can stay, we then usually end up having sex, then end up in a short/medium-term relationship, they get a job, buy a car, meet some guy at work, then next thing you know they run off with him and a few years later they are back and it all repeats.

It would be nice to believe in true love but in all honesty, I'm 35 and I've never really experienced it. Yeah, I've felt it towards others but it was never reciprocated and the longer I live the more I realize that everything relating to this existence is just a fabricated lie and that it's very seldom to find truth in a fictitious existence filled to the brim with bad actors.

Every ounce of pain and loneliness I've felt has just contributed to me desiring to CTB more and more, it all just feeds the fire that has been burning in me for decades and is about to combust but knowing me I'll just douse it with some water and fade off into nothingness.

I'm but a stepping stone along a path and none of those who cross me will ever realize how reliable I was until I am no longer there and then I'll be replaced with another who fits my mold and the world will continue on without me like it has until the Earth's surface is turned into glass.

I'm not even with her, I fashioned this post to fish for opinions regarding my future course of actions, I already believe that such will not pan out in my favor but just wished to see what others thought.

It sounds like you need to work on why you go for women that are "troubled", and perhaps that's the real issue here - you can't help but try and fix them, or rescue them, which you cannot do, they can only do that for themselves, and women *without* those issues are not drawn to men that want to fix them, quite the opposite, but the types of women you go for, will be, although they may not have a lot of self awareness, they will still know men will want to fix them, in some way. Others will be 100% self aware, depending on the personality, and will play on it, and abuse you, and will *know* exactly what they're doing, but deny it.

Men are natural rescuers, but it is a flaw, and something you definitely need to work on, because otherwise you will never find someone that doesn't have those issues - there will be signs in the beginning that perhaps you overlooked, but it is there.

I do understand, because I've been with men like that, but I've now realised, at the same age as you (I'm also 35) that there's a reason I do this, and I'm working on it. Perhaps self sabotaging comes into play here - this is something we're not consciously aware of, but you can change it, if you want to. Start by not being so much of a people pleaser -trust me, I know how difficult it is, but I can tell you it attracts the wrong type of person, because it gives off push over vibes. It is *very* hard to overcome this, but you *can*, I promise. The first step is realising you can't fix people, and putting boundaries in place.

You are only responsible for yourself, no one else (unless you have kids, obviously). You're not too old to make changes, 35 is young, especially given you've spent your life this way and it's all you've known.

I've known people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s to still be this way so don't give up, there's plenty of time left! We all have things we should work on before leaving this world, no one is perfect by any means, but you owe it to yourself before leaving to at least try.

Give yourself a break, and don't be so hard on yourself, try to be kind to yourself. Your life is about *you* and no one else.

 

[lastboyscout]

Right on.

exactly like this, its a matter of time until she leaves u again.. exs never work

and in a phase u want to give up, restarting a relation..hmmm

 

[TraumaEscapee:)]

She found you on Facebook you said? You're life is difficult which is why you're on this forum. Why did she never reach out to you to ask you how you were years ago? Why is it that now she NEEDS something from you she has reached out. If she genuinely cares about you, she would want to know how you are, ask how you are, and show an interest in your life without wanting anything in return. From what you've said, she can't be trusted, is untrustworthy and is selfish and willing to get with any man. She doesn't want you, you're probably her only option in this situation. She's likely betting on you "rescuing" her until someone better comes along. You did everything for her and it wasn't enough. She ignored you for many years, showed no interest until she wanted something from you. The word "user" springs to mind. When people have no one they sometimes delve into their past to see who they can contact and speak to. She's probably hurt so many people that she has no one, so she's likely just gone to you in desperation. When things were fine in her life she didn't need you or want you. As soon as something bad has happened she suddenly is interested in you. It's no different to people who suddenly develop an interest in someone after they win the lottery but had no interest in them before. It has user written all over it.

The best thing you can do is help her get into a refuge but don't let her back into your life. Once shes in the refuge shell likely ignore you again as you'll be of no use to her anymore as you'll have helped her do what she wanted which was get away.

Think of it like this....say you take her back. What will it look like? Even if shes changed, every time she's on the phone you'll assume she's cheating on you. You'll be paranoid because if the trauma. It will turn you into a miserable person and eventually you'll break up again. Prevent the storm before you encounter the hurricane is what I say. There will always be trust issues in the relationship. Someone who loves you, doesn't love you as soon as it's convenient for them. Don't ignore your gut feelings. Your gut feelings are usually correct.

I'll tell you a story. Years ago I was living with someone who sexually abused me as a child. For a very long time, even in my teens when I lived with them and on another occasion. I was so desperate to escape, I joined a dating site and went of with a man who I barely knew. Lucky he was a good person but it never worked out. I was young (just turned 18 the month I joined the site) and traumatised. Was I looking for love? Or someone to rescue me? Both. A year later I got in touch with him again, he seemed nice, but he was cheating on me. I found out on his birthday.

There's a saying "no one will fall in love faster than a person who needs a place to stay". Be very careful. Help her escape through the proper channels, police and refuge searching. Don't let her back in your life.

 

[alienfreak]

I think it is a risk to take advice on forums like this about relationships because relationships are incredibly complex and there's no way you can fully communicate the situation to us. You have to look deep into your intuition. That being said, if you have doubts and it could serve as a source of hope that can motivate you to live for a while instead of CTB, then it's hard for me to justify not taking the chance and seeing what happens.