Sensei
剣道家
- Nov 4, 2019
- 6,336
I feel that I complain very much, although usually rightfully so. I'm here for a reason, after all. In contrast, I'd like to share an interesting and mostly positive experience I had the other day. There's no one else I can talk to about this, so I have to share it here. If you don't like it, don't read it.
Anyways, I had been given an appointment with my so-called contact person, i.e. a psychiatric nurse, not a counsellor or psychiatrist. To be honest, I have more confidence in him than in any counsellors or psychiatrists I've met, although they haven't been bad. He's so compassionate, caring, and understanding that I almost see him as a friend. (Yes, that's really pathetic, but that's how it feels.)
First of all, when I arrived, it turned out that I had some kind of "free pass" (I don't know the proper English term) so I didn't have to pay the usual €25. Maybe not a big deal, but my private economy is wobbly, so it made me very happy.
I had to wait for a while because my contact person evidently had to deal with some acute case, but I had all the time in the world; I'm a teacher and Christmas break has started. When he eventually collected me in the waiting room, there was a little incident. I totally unexpectedly met an acquaintance in the corridor. She was looking at her phone but when I, the ever-impulsive, bipolar fool, said hello and smiled, she smiled back and said hello too. However, I got the distinct impression that she had hoped that I wouldn't have noticed her and that she was embarrassed. There wasn't really any time to stop and chat, and the idea never struck me anyway.
I think I know what her issues might be, but she can't possibly know mine. She's a semi-public figure and I think it would be embarrassing for her if people knew that she gets psychotherapy. Something that might complicate matters is that we met at an event a couple of weeks ago and it was indicated that she might have a romantic interest in me. If it's true (I'm really bad at reading such signs, one of a dozen of reasons I'll stay single until I die, and something which really makes me feel like a failure) it's not mutual. My point is that this might have made this encounter more embarrassing for her than it had to be.
Now I need some honest advice. Once again being the impulsive, bipolar fool, I want to contact her and explain that I have no interest in letting anyone else know about this. We live in the same city, but I see her very rarely. I can contact her via Messenger, though. I have no problem telling her that I'm bipolar. Let's say it was you I met in the corridor. Would you have preferred that I contacted you, downplayed the whole thing, and reassured you that it will stay between you and me? Or would you simply have preferred that I didn't contact you so we could forget about the whole thing and move on? (If she's a member of this forum, I won't start believing in God, but definitely in the Devil.)
As for the actual session, it was a very positive experience which saved my day. I usually don't discuss my suicidal impulses in detail with my contact person as it tends to make him nervous. I don't blame him. If would have worked in psychiatric care, I wouldn't want to lose a patient either. This time I was tired of holding back and told him (almost) the whole truth: that I have to fight strong suicidal impulses every day during depressive episodes, that I made two suicide attempts during the last one, that I had to seek acute help when I almost threw myself under a truck during a mixed episode, that I took potentially lethal doses so that I could relax in the "twilight zone" in the aftermath of my last depressive episode, and so on. My contact person frowned and was clearly not happy about it, but to my delight he accepted it and didn't make a fuss. Instead, he focused on what do to when I become suicidal and how to avoid more attempts.
Then he started talking about group therapy and psychoeducation. (Ordinary psychotherapy has limited to no effect when you're bipolar, or schizophrenic for that matter.) When I hesitated he was very candid and said that I'm already so well read up on my disorder that it probably would be pointless for me to participate. Pathetically enough, this made me very happy as if I were a little boy who got praise from his teacher. In retrospect, I should probably have accepted the offer, though. The thing is that I don't know any bipolar folks in my city and it would've been nice to have someone to discuss mutual problems with over a cup of coffee. I could certainly need a couple of new friends too. Well, I'm an expert on making impulsive and detrimental decisions.
Then we had to decide on a treatment plan (again, I don't know the proper English term) for me, typical and unnecessary New Public Management documentation, which I have to deal with in my line of work too. Believe it not, but we decided on this: when I get a depressive episode, I'll self-medicate with stronger doses and discuss my problems in the "suicide forum" (I didn't give him any more details than that, and he didn't ask for any), and if this doesn't work and I get outright suicidal, I contact psychiatric care. A prerequisite for this was that I had to promise to contact them if I'm losing it, and I'll make an honest effort to keep my promise. We also had a very candid discussion about me contacting them. He always says that I must contact them when I'm suicidal, but I pointed out that I can't call them every day, and he agreed.
For the first in many years or possibly ever, I left the session in a good mood and didn't feel anxious and depressed as I usually do. I very much needed that.
Anyways, I had been given an appointment with my so-called contact person, i.e. a psychiatric nurse, not a counsellor or psychiatrist. To be honest, I have more confidence in him than in any counsellors or psychiatrists I've met, although they haven't been bad. He's so compassionate, caring, and understanding that I almost see him as a friend. (Yes, that's really pathetic, but that's how it feels.)
First of all, when I arrived, it turned out that I had some kind of "free pass" (I don't know the proper English term) so I didn't have to pay the usual €25. Maybe not a big deal, but my private economy is wobbly, so it made me very happy.
I had to wait for a while because my contact person evidently had to deal with some acute case, but I had all the time in the world; I'm a teacher and Christmas break has started. When he eventually collected me in the waiting room, there was a little incident. I totally unexpectedly met an acquaintance in the corridor. She was looking at her phone but when I, the ever-impulsive, bipolar fool, said hello and smiled, she smiled back and said hello too. However, I got the distinct impression that she had hoped that I wouldn't have noticed her and that she was embarrassed. There wasn't really any time to stop and chat, and the idea never struck me anyway.
I think I know what her issues might be, but she can't possibly know mine. She's a semi-public figure and I think it would be embarrassing for her if people knew that she gets psychotherapy. Something that might complicate matters is that we met at an event a couple of weeks ago and it was indicated that she might have a romantic interest in me. If it's true (I'm really bad at reading such signs, one of a dozen of reasons I'll stay single until I die, and something which really makes me feel like a failure) it's not mutual. My point is that this might have made this encounter more embarrassing for her than it had to be.
Now I need some honest advice. Once again being the impulsive, bipolar fool, I want to contact her and explain that I have no interest in letting anyone else know about this. We live in the same city, but I see her very rarely. I can contact her via Messenger, though. I have no problem telling her that I'm bipolar. Let's say it was you I met in the corridor. Would you have preferred that I contacted you, downplayed the whole thing, and reassured you that it will stay between you and me? Or would you simply have preferred that I didn't contact you so we could forget about the whole thing and move on? (If she's a member of this forum, I won't start believing in God, but definitely in the Devil.)
As for the actual session, it was a very positive experience which saved my day. I usually don't discuss my suicidal impulses in detail with my contact person as it tends to make him nervous. I don't blame him. If would have worked in psychiatric care, I wouldn't want to lose a patient either. This time I was tired of holding back and told him (almost) the whole truth: that I have to fight strong suicidal impulses every day during depressive episodes, that I made two suicide attempts during the last one, that I had to seek acute help when I almost threw myself under a truck during a mixed episode, that I took potentially lethal doses so that I could relax in the "twilight zone" in the aftermath of my last depressive episode, and so on. My contact person frowned and was clearly not happy about it, but to my delight he accepted it and didn't make a fuss. Instead, he focused on what do to when I become suicidal and how to avoid more attempts.
Then he started talking about group therapy and psychoeducation. (Ordinary psychotherapy has limited to no effect when you're bipolar, or schizophrenic for that matter.) When I hesitated he was very candid and said that I'm already so well read up on my disorder that it probably would be pointless for me to participate. Pathetically enough, this made me very happy as if I were a little boy who got praise from his teacher. In retrospect, I should probably have accepted the offer, though. The thing is that I don't know any bipolar folks in my city and it would've been nice to have someone to discuss mutual problems with over a cup of coffee. I could certainly need a couple of new friends too. Well, I'm an expert on making impulsive and detrimental decisions.
Then we had to decide on a treatment plan (again, I don't know the proper English term) for me, typical and unnecessary New Public Management documentation, which I have to deal with in my line of work too. Believe it not, but we decided on this: when I get a depressive episode, I'll self-medicate with stronger doses and discuss my problems in the "suicide forum" (I didn't give him any more details than that, and he didn't ask for any), and if this doesn't work and I get outright suicidal, I contact psychiatric care. A prerequisite for this was that I had to promise to contact them if I'm losing it, and I'll make an honest effort to keep my promise. We also had a very candid discussion about me contacting them. He always says that I must contact them when I'm suicidal, but I pointed out that I can't call them every day, and he agreed.
For the first in many years or possibly ever, I left the session in a good mood and didn't feel anxious and depressed as I usually do. I very much needed that.
