C
curiousbeing
I tried my best
- Dec 18, 2022
- 130
So, I traveled to that alone beach, at least 2 kilometers away from the nearest village, 40+ kilometers away from nearest city. To test how good / how bad I will implement my CTB plan (plastic bag suffocation, stabbing, drowning, hypothermia, air temperature 8-12C. I once entered pool where water was 28C and I was already moderately shivering, later I even caught fever)
So, I tested basically 3 different things: entering sea, knife, suffocation
I have bad and good news
Bad news for me first:
I couldn't just suffocate myself. Not merely because of horrible suffocation feeling but also I don't want to spend my last moments in such a desperate suffocation. It's bad that I couldn't bear suffocation, but I agree that my last moments shouldn't involve suffocation
So, no suffocation for me
Good news for me:
Well, I didn't care too much about cold sea. I tested water, felt coldness, it didn't trigger my SI as much as suffocation or drowning ( I didn't submerge myself). But in the past I frequently went to sea. So, I am scared of going to the depths of sea (up to head level), but I realized that I can go further, say, until stomach deep, during ctb. I couldn't go deeper than stomach level in the past, but I am sure that during ctb I will have nothing to lose so I will move up to the chest level without feeling panicked.
So, I can go inside sea.
Knife. I firstly felt my pulse, I knew exactly where my carotid artery pulse was. I will simply gather my strength and hit where pulse is, as hard as possible. I tested knife on potatoes and at least it cut them to some degree, so I am sure it will cut deeper. I am underweight, there isn't too thick muscle in my throat.
I could imagine hitting it, without any strong feeling of SI
So, I am ready.
I will go to the sea as deep as I can, minimum stomach deep. I will take my backpack. My backpack will be full of sand to weigh me down. After I am inside sea, to speed up process of losing consciousness, I will stab my throat where carotid artery pulse is. And then basically wait a few minutes to lose consciousness (I read that 15 minutes required until hypothermia knocks person down, by cutting myself I won't have to wait 15 minutes)
Hopefully, sea waves won't bring my body to shore, at least backpack filled with sand will prevent them.
Yes, I read that some people survive drowning, hypothermia for hours, because in cold water, brain processes slow down, body preserves itself. But, by cutting myself, I will cause bacterial infection or whatever it is and infection, as far as I am aware, won't be slowed down by coldness. So, infection + bleeding will do their own job
I will take maybe 2 painkillers, wait for 30 minutes for painkillers to become activated and hit myself (painkillers reduce my pain usually after 30 minutes)
Time will be either afternoon or evening. Weather gets dark at 5:00 pm already
That's it. My plan. (I won't suffocate / choke myself, I can't do them)
Is there anything I should be mindful of?
Even if I can't go stomach deep, I can at least go to sea knee deep. Or between knee and hip. It won't be enough to be drowned, but it will be enough to motivate myself to go further, or fall inside sea and get bacterial infection from bleeding area. So, knee deep water will still be sufficient, although I will do my best to go as deep as possible, even up to chest
I did all this to introduce myself to this ctb plan, reduce my SI, test everything, and make sure I will do my actual ctb without failure. For example I learned that I just can't do plastic bag method
With each ideation, planning and testing, I feel more ready, lesser SI, to do actual ctb plan and free myself
So, I tested basically 3 different things: entering sea, knife, suffocation
I have bad and good news
Bad news for me first:
I couldn't just suffocate myself. Not merely because of horrible suffocation feeling but also I don't want to spend my last moments in such a desperate suffocation. It's bad that I couldn't bear suffocation, but I agree that my last moments shouldn't involve suffocation
So, no suffocation for me
Good news for me:
Well, I didn't care too much about cold sea. I tested water, felt coldness, it didn't trigger my SI as much as suffocation or drowning ( I didn't submerge myself). But in the past I frequently went to sea. So, I am scared of going to the depths of sea (up to head level), but I realized that I can go further, say, until stomach deep, during ctb. I couldn't go deeper than stomach level in the past, but I am sure that during ctb I will have nothing to lose so I will move up to the chest level without feeling panicked.
So, I can go inside sea.
Knife. I firstly felt my pulse, I knew exactly where my carotid artery pulse was. I will simply gather my strength and hit where pulse is, as hard as possible. I tested knife on potatoes and at least it cut them to some degree, so I am sure it will cut deeper. I am underweight, there isn't too thick muscle in my throat.
I could imagine hitting it, without any strong feeling of SI
So, I am ready.
I will go to the sea as deep as I can, minimum stomach deep. I will take my backpack. My backpack will be full of sand to weigh me down. After I am inside sea, to speed up process of losing consciousness, I will stab my throat where carotid artery pulse is. And then basically wait a few minutes to lose consciousness (I read that 15 minutes required until hypothermia knocks person down, by cutting myself I won't have to wait 15 minutes)
Hopefully, sea waves won't bring my body to shore, at least backpack filled with sand will prevent them.
Yes, I read that some people survive drowning, hypothermia for hours, because in cold water, brain processes slow down, body preserves itself. But, by cutting myself, I will cause bacterial infection or whatever it is and infection, as far as I am aware, won't be slowed down by coldness. So, infection + bleeding will do their own job
I will take maybe 2 painkillers, wait for 30 minutes for painkillers to become activated and hit myself (painkillers reduce my pain usually after 30 minutes)
Time will be either afternoon or evening. Weather gets dark at 5:00 pm already
That's it. My plan. (I won't suffocate / choke myself, I can't do them)
Is there anything I should be mindful of?
Even if I can't go stomach deep, I can at least go to sea knee deep. Or between knee and hip. It won't be enough to be drowned, but it will be enough to motivate myself to go further, or fall inside sea and get bacterial infection from bleeding area. So, knee deep water will still be sufficient, although I will do my best to go as deep as possible, even up to chest
I did all this to introduce myself to this ctb plan, reduce my SI, test everything, and make sure I will do my actual ctb without failure. For example I learned that I just can't do plastic bag method
With each ideation, planning and testing, I feel more ready, lesser SI, to do actual ctb plan and free myself
Last edited: