Anger over suicidality

[nevernotsleepy]

Everyone in my life think I'm a happy person. The few people I've been honest about my struggles with suicide think I'm 'healed' as I paint it like I have gotten better. This is a lie but I do it so they won't worry about me. Lately, my life has, on paper at least, improved greatly. I have a perfect gf, amazing friends and just started school away from a toxic family. But I am still so fucking sad. And I am so angry with myself that I can't be happy despite having this 'good' life. My life is easier than it ever has been and yet I'm sadder than ever. I still want to ctb. And everyone thinks I'm just jolly. I refuse to reach out for real help from my gf and friends because the idea of making them as sad as I am ruins me. I am so mad at myself that I still want to ctb. Also I am mad that I can't/shouldn't because I have all of these great people in my life. I get mad I let all of these people care about me when I can barely care for myself. I want to cbt but the idea of hurting those close to me is one of the only things stopping me. I can't believe I tricked so many people into caring about me and I feel so much guilt every day. Does it ever go away? If I'm not happy now, when my life is going well, how will I ever be? Am I cursed to want to ctb forever?

 

[idhayam]

I have a similar problem. The day after I tell my mother about the issue that I face, she never asks about it again thinking that it will heal over time. My mother is the only one who was aware of any issue, and because she comes to think that I'm completely fine I end up losing the courage that I initially had to tell her my issue, to tell her once again. So I have to pretend that I'm a happy person now.

 

[J&L383]

A lot to unpack. Starting with the last, no I don't think you're cursed. (I don't believe in such things). Second, I do think it's a lot to put on your girlfriend or friends. This is where a professional could help. Ideally, and this is hard in today's world, sadly (finding one, and paying for one can be a challenge) a trained person might be able to help you here. (Psychologist or similar). You started by recognizing that you have a lot of good going in your favor, so try to focus on that rather than the sad part. But I totally understand the sad part! (Me too. Sometimes I feel I have happiness in my misery). Give yourself permission to feel sad, but then put it aside, and then decide, and see, if you can feel glad instead.

 

[avalokitesvara]

I feel you. Sometimes I feel like being suicidal is like a worm in my brain. It got in a long time ago and it's always there no matter what is going on in my life.

I've recently stopped feeling guilty though, and stopped acting. I don't go around going "I'm gonna kms" all the time, but I have allowed certain people to know I'm suicidal, and allowed myself to live how I want and not put on a mask. This has been interesting. I feel like I made friends with my suicide. I have it planned out almost to my satisfaction, and I know I will be able to go through with it at the time I decide it's time. Paradoxically, that's taken away a lot of the panicky feeling I used to have like I was trapped and have to ctb NOW. I know my death is my personal thing and I am allowed to have my own relationship to it, I'm allowed to choose how and when to go. I'm allowed to feel positively about it. Other people are allowed to be very sad and upset about my death, but those are their own feelings. I don't need to take on their feelings about it. I don't need to feel guilty.

It sounds like I have about a decade on you in age, and it took me a long time to get to this point. When I was in college I felt very much like you and ruined my relationship with my gf and pushed other people away. My advice is to try and get some therapy. Not to "fix" you but to try to get a more understanding relationship with yourself. You have a lot of questions like "why do I feel this way, what's wrong with me, how can I do this to the people who care about me" and a lot of feelings like you are faking or acting, like your real self and real feelings are too much for other people and have to be hidden.

I think the most important thing in this life is to be able to feel authentic and like you are being the real you. For some of us that real us includes being suicidal. Therapy really helped me to understand myself and accept myself. It didn't take away the depressed and suicidal parts of me, it didn't "fix" me, and I still suffer. But it helped me be me without shame. And I think we all need and deserve that.

Especially if you had a toxic family you probably have some trauma and fucked up identity issues... Therapy can definitely help you heal from the effects of growing up in that way.

Yeah having constant crises and attempts is really horrible to put on people around you. But being able to talk and share how you're feeling is not bad, and you might be surprised how resilient people can be and how capable they are of hearing hard things. Maybe there's one person you feel like you can open up to a little, a friend maybe?

Sorry things are so hard right now. I think also going through a big change like starting school and moving from a shitty family environment can be a lot to handle. Try to be patient and give yourself time to figure things out

 

[nevernotsleepy]

I don't know what to say other than thank you so much. This has put me at ease a lot about my future and helped answer my questions. I heavily relate to the idea of being suicidal being a worm in my brain. I can't get rid of it truly. I have tried therapy but the idea of anyone knowing that much about me scared me so much. I know I should try it again and this has given me motivation to. Thank you.