Venting Another excruciatingly uncomfortable evening.

[Imaginos]

Just one more restless night, out of countless others, spent in this blacked out bunker that passes for a room where I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tearing off every last scrap of flesh from my bones just so I'd finally be able to cast aside all this pain, like digging out some disgusting tick after its burrowed underneath your skin. There's nothing to do. I'm trapped inside myself. and there's nothing here. Nothing. I'm at the bottom of a trash compactor with walls made of pure agony squeezing me relentlessly, and I wish I could just give way and disappear. I'm just stuck there. with no way out. I hate coming here. Every breath I take is like inhaling mustard gas. Nothing helps. I hate posting about my bullshit. I don't like being anywhere. I'm so tired. There's glass shards all over my body, lodged inside my brain. Why did I have to exist? How much longer....how much longer.....how much longer will this go on? Enh, whatever. That's enough verbal diarrhea, I guess. Just a small window into what I have to look forward to every day & night that I'm awake. But, oh well. Woe is me. I make myself sick. Anyway, nothing to see here.

 

[higashikata_panos]

Nah dont say that , I feel you. Nothing ever helps and each day is a day I struggle to get through. I relate so so much to what you said...

 

[Strumgewehr]

You would make a great heavy metal lyricist.

 

[Imaginos]

Nah dont say that , I feel you. Nothing ever helps and each day is a day I struggle to get through. I relate so so much to what you said...

I just don't understand why I'm still here. I feel like someone who's been flayed again & again, night after night, day after day, for year upon painful year. All that's left is a pile of battered, mutilated meat piled in the corner, wheezing to just let it die. Of course, then an all too familiar terror that sounds like the faintest whisper inside my mind, but hits that same frail psyche like a freight train comes slowly tumbling in. "That pain you're in, it really hurts doesn't it? Well guess what? It's gonna get worse. Oh yes. Far worse than you can even imagine. The real torture hasn't even begun yet. Hehehehe, and the best part? You'll just helplessly writhe around like you've always done. Think of it as being slowly eaten alive, except.........you won't die! Hehehehehe!" Anytime I try to fully process this and I feel like my brain is vaporizing inside my skull. It's hard not to think of Prometheus in a predicament like this. Having his guts pecked out every single day, only for it to start all over again the next. Like him, not even death is an escape I can avail myself of.

You would make a great heavy metal lyricist.

Ha, now there's a thought. I guess my ramblings did come off a bit like that, didn't they? It's really just a jumbled mess actually, but thanks anyway.

 

[transgenderfailure]

I just want to tell you that I like the metaphors you use to describe the way you feel. It hurts me to imagine how much pain you must be enduring. Sorry that this is happening to you.

 

[rebelwacause]

I just don't understand why I'm still here. I feel like someone who's been flayed again & again, night after night, day after day, for year upon painful year. All that's left is a pile of battered, mutilated meat piled in the corner, wheezing to just let it die. Of course, then an all too familiar terror that sounds like the faintest whisper inside my mind, but hits that same frail psyche like a freight train comes slowly tumbling in. "That pain you're in, it really hurts doesn't it? Well guess what? It's gonna get worse. Oh yes. Far worse than you can even imagine. The real torture hasn't even begun yet. Hehehehe, and the best part? You'll just helplessly writhe around like you've always done. Think of it as being slowly eaten alive, except.........you won't die! Hehehehehe!" Anytime I try to fully process this and I feel like my brain is vaporizing inside my skull. It's hard not to think of Prometheus in a predicament like this. Having his guts pecked out every single day, only for it to start all over again the next. Like him, not even death is an escape I can avail myself of.

Ha, now there's a thought. I guess my ramblings did come off a bit like that, didn't they? It's really just a jumbled mess actually, but thanks anyway.

I know it's no consolation @Imaginos but know that I'm thinking of you and sympathise entirely. Currently I'm up at 3 in the morning and enduring some horrible pain myself.

What you wrote above, struck a chord with me and I can really relate. I really appreciate it, when people write exactly what I'm feeling because it makes you think, "shit I'm not the only one here." Our individual pain is no doubt unique but our experiences are similar I think.

I thank my stars for this forum being such a non judgemental place where ideas like this can be shared. It's the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.

 

[Imaginos]

I just want to tell you that I like the metaphors you use to describe the way you feel. It hurts me to imagine how much pain you must be enduring. Sorry that this is happening to you.

I know it's no consolation @Imaginos but know that I'm thinking of you and sympathise entirely. Currently I'm up at 3 in the morning and enduring some horrible pain myself.

What you wrote above, struck a chord with me and I can really relate. I really appreciate it, when people write exactly what I'm feeling because it makes you think, "shit I'm not the only one here." Our individual pain is no doubt unique but our experiences are similar I think.

I thank my stars for this forum being such a non judgemental place where ideas like this can be shared. It's the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.

That's quite kind of you both to say. Although, I have to admit, it's truly hard for me to believe all that self-indulgent misery I vomited out up there could have the slightest effect on anyone, positive or negative. From where I'm sitting, it just feels so useless. Like drawing pictures in the sand only for the tide to wash it all away. There's just such an intense hollowness to it all that makes me question why I even bother expressing myself in the first place. Any catharsis is momentary at best, but I guess that's just how it goes for me. With everything. Anyway, sorry if I made anyone feel like crap due to describing my situation. As bad as it gets (even now), I just try, desperately as I may, to remind myself of the ultimate freedom that's guaranteed to each and every one of us and that it will come for me someday, even if I'm never able to summon it by my own hand. It's cold comfort in its purest form, but it's all I have to tell myself. Every moment forward really is worse than the last. I'm just so exhausted of riding this out. The same awful feelings day after day. And yet the road ahead just keeps going on....like a grueling, death march with no end in sight.