Discussion Any of y'all trans, and does it contribute to your want to die? (Very slightly nsfw)

[sunnydaysahead]

Hello there. I am a trans man not on testosterone yet, and I may never be if I kill myself soon enough. I have wanted nothing more to be on it since I was 15 years old. I'm an adult now and have been for years, and I feel I'll never escape my family who is even against the idea of me being gay. I am disabled, and that's a factor to me getting the hell out of my family's house. I have decided that if I have not moved out by my next birthday in August 2026, I will take this as a sign to CTB.

Also, if I get on T and it turns out I am not trans, i will also kill myself. I want nothing more than to be just an average guy, but I also feel like I may never be able to afford medical intervention; I'm pretty poor and if I ever get a job where I make more I'll lose my medical and ssa benefits. Phalloplasty (penis creation surgery) which is my main goal, isn't perfect and is incredibly fucking expensive. Top surgery is also something I'm looking for, but if they outlaw it or something in this hell-country of USA (or all trans healthcare, if we get incredibly unlucky) then that's a major suicide motivator for me and many others. It sucks all around

 

[piercedwounds]

I am trans ftm and it definitely does contribute to me wanting to ctb. Just the thought of never truly being a REAL man is soul crushing along with of course a lot of people treating us like monsters :')

 

[Namelesa]

I am a trans girl but it doesn't contribute to my suicidalness at all anymore thanks to a good transition and having a body I am happy and comfort with. It used to a lot before hormones. My suicidalness is cus of other things like problems caused by BPD. I am probably one of the few trans people not part suicidal cus of this There are a lot of trans people sadly on this site :<

 

[mangoastronaut]

I am a trans enby AFAB (to describe myself, idk what I currently identify as). When I was younger and hadn't started transitioning, yes it made me severely suicidal. I was the only trans person in my high school. My family did not accept me whatsoever, and I thought I would either never transition or lose their support.

It's no longer something that makes me suicidal, though. After years of saving up, I got top surgery from a surgeon who did a spectacular job. Went on T, off for a couple years, and am now back on it. Back when I identified as a binary man, I passed seamlessly that people were suprised when I'd come out to them. Now that I'm nonbinary, it's euphoric when people don't know what to call me.

Phalloplasty is also something that I really REALLY want. My partner is in the medical field, and they say that it's something worth waiting for because it's something currently being worked on and they're confident something better is coming soon (if the current administration doesn't stop it). In the meantime, I've found packers and STP's that have worked for me.

Also, now I am surrounded by all sorts of different trans people. Being around them has put my own journey into perspective and has made me love being trans. I love my top surgery scars, I love my body hair, I love my T dick. I love trans people and love being around trans people.

I do, however, feel like a monster from time to time, especially when I listen to the news about how the current administration wants to take our rights away and is trying to label us as terrorists. I look at myself in the mirror and see a freak who doesn't deserve to live. These feelings never last, though, but they are severe to the point that they make me suicidal.

Also, my family has come around. It took a long time, but when my grandma said that she doesn't care who I am as long as I am happy that's when everybody else followed suit (she's the matriarch, we respect her and her opinions). It meant a lot, especially since we are a Mexican Catholic family.

Which, that's also something that put things into perspective for me. I immigrated to the US, and even though the current administration is trying to murder us at least I'm not in my home country where having dyed hair is seen as gay and could have me murdered. Unfortunately, being in the US is the safer option for me.

Are you on Medical? When I was on it, they covered my hormones 100%. I don't know about surgery, but it's definitely worth looking into.

I understand your pain, though. I used to be there. I also feared not beig trans while on hormones, but that wasn't the case. And from what you're saying, it sounds to me like you are trans. The only time I've heard of AFABs thinking they're trans but actually aren't are SA survivors who wanted to escape being in their bodies and wanted to feel more powerful, but that is such a small percentage. I wish you the best of luck. Just know that if nobody else loves you for being trans, I do. I want the best for you.

 

[Kurwenal]

I don't know if it's right for me to post here, as I am not trans myself. Please, anyone, let me know if I shouldn't post and I will delete this comment.

It took a long time, but when my grandma said that she doesn't care who I am as long as I am happy that's when everybody else followed suit.

But when I read this sentence, I just had to say: your grandmother is a wonderful person and I wish there were more people like her in this world.

 

[TransTaxEvader]

i have to brush my teeth in the dark so I don't see myself in the mirror

I have to shower and get dressed in the dark so I don't have to see my body

dysphoria has ruined my life

it *is* a mental illness and it is deadly

I would not wish this on anyone

I won't have to keep living with it for long

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

Transwoman here... I just happened to have started transitioning when my life was getting worse.

People started noticing I had some sort of appeal and I started having a lot of relationships. But once one of my partners passed my bpd fully showed itself and I did anything and everything to try and numb myself or make myself feel better.
I've been on hrt for 2 and a half years at this point and I can see some form of love for my body but I honestly just hate myself as a person at this point.

I don't have the resources to go any further with my transition... as much as I wish I could.
My family is fully against anything I do that seems trans and all of the friends I once had have moved on a long time ago.

I feel that life for trans people is just impossible now...

 

[rainatthebusstop]

Hey, just wanted to say I am in a similar situation to you and yes, it does contribute. A lot.

People already hate hate me from the get go, and being trans and not on hormones has made it worse. I unfortunately waited until my puberty was over and my growth plates fully closed, so no way it's worth it transitioning now. I am stuck in a body that's not only ugly but also will never match me. People will forever use my nails on a chalkboard name. Is it worth living with thousands of needles in your skin just so people won't kick you any more than they already do?

I cannot know. I am a coward who can't afford to find out. If I had any decency I would have already killed myself but I can't ironically enough even man up enough to do that.

 

[cvury]

You can buy gray market HRT rather easily for cheap, I can help u. I mean there's nothing to lose.

 

[that_miqo'te]

I hate being trans, I just wish I was me, but I don't exist , I never existed and the UK has effectively criminalised existing as trans so I want nothing more than to die now. I had an experience after a failed attempt where I thought I had succeeded and I had my body and felt safe for the first time in my life and I just want to go back there forever

 

[Alexandra_]

I have gender dysphoria. I'd love to be a man, too, at least transgender, but that will never happen. I'll die in my disgusting body

 

[kcon1243]

I've wanted to die since before I even processed gender and sexuality. I've been out for 20 years, on hormones for 15, post-top surgery 13 years and post-phallo 6 years.

Still want to die, but my suicidal ideation has never been motivated by my gender, sexuality or influenced by being trans in any way for me, personally.

Even if I were cis and 100% not trans, I'm certain I'd still spend my days contemplating suicide as I have since I was a small child.

 

[LostZombie]

Oh yes 100%. Not the being trans part, but how society in the western world treats me. We are treated as second class citizens the, and the VP recently called all people who push trans ideology terrorists.

Ironically enough when I lived in THE MIDDLE EAST
AKA: gay is illegal
I was treated better as a trans person IN THE MIDDLE EAST rather than in the "land of the free"

I want everyone to understand this. You will be treated better as a trans person in the middle east, than in the western world

This what causes it, not being trans. The fact that the most "advanced society" cannot deal with trans people.

 

[SissySteph]

The main issue that caused the desire to CTB has resolved (thankfully). Only after that did trans / sissy desires manifest. Feel concerned for those in USA at the moment.

 

[BPDtgirl]

The main issue that caused the desire to CTB has resolved (thankfully). Only after that did trans / sissy desires manifest. Feel concerned for those in USA at the moment.

People conflating being a trans person with "sissy desires" certainly contributes to me wanting to end it

 

[CaramelAppleStars]

Oh yes 100%. Not the being trans part, but how society in the western world treats me. We are treated as second class citizens the, and the VP recently called all people who push trans ideology terrorists.

Ironically enough when I lived in THE MIDDLE EAST
AKA: gay is illegal
I was treated better as a trans person IN THE MIDDLE EAST rather than in the "land of the free"

I want everyone to understand this. You will be treated better as a trans person in the middle east, than in the western world

This what causes it, not being trans. The fact that the most "advanced society" cannot deal with trans people.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Adding onto this, it's the fact that I will never be able to live as a person outside of my identities. I will never be seen as "normal" solely because of something I cannot control, and the fight against this feels hopeless. Props to those who can stay strong, but for me, it just contributes to my mental decline.

 

[1993]

Yes and yes. However I would urge you to wait to start T, even if it takes a long time. I lost a lot, but it's the only thing I'm happy about I that I took that leap of faith. T worked as a kind of antidepressant and I finally found myself. You deserve that feeling too

 

[SpencerSees]

Transguy as well. It definitely contributes. I know I will never be loved as a gay man, because there is no way I could ever get on T without my family disowning me.
If I was a cis gay man I wouldn't even care about all the bullshit in my childhood, because there would be ways to feel connected to other men without the constant thought that they only want me sexually.
They love trans guys as long as we are exotic and new, but never for a real relationship.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Yes, I'm tired of it all personally. Rage is what gets me to move through, I can't wait until the day I die and I finally stop fighting and be at peace for once. I want someone to tell me that it's okay to let go, that I can finally move on in peace and then end this mockery, this existence that's only rage and bitterness, I yearn for oblivion but I can't stop, until the day in which I know the tyrants that made my life hell, the systems that made me what I am are destroyed and burning. The systems that denied me and others help, the systems that protected my abusers and encouraged their creation in the first place. I will not kiss the ground until I see their destruction.