Any software engineers?

[mysideofthemountain]

Doesn't really matter I guess.

I'm a software engineer. The thing that's triggered my most recent, intense bout of suicidal ideation and intense emotional pain is getting rejected from a job.

It was 5 interviews over 8 hours with 7 interviewers. 6 yesses. Then, on the very last interview with the very last interviewer (system design) I scored a 7/10 on the design and 0/2 red flags and 0/2 yellow flags. This ended up being a no and resulted in no offer.

It wasn't even a FAANG. But it was definitely a tech company with multiple verticals. It would have been awesome. Honestly I'm attracted to the prestige. I want to be smart, I want to be competent, I want to accomplish something and be proud of myself.

I'm just not good enough.

I was practicing with a friend of mine for interviews. She and I have about the same number of years of experience and we're about equal performance on leetcode and system design. I got rejected and she got an offer from Hubspot. She totally deserves it, she's awesome.

But like why am I not good enough. We did a lot of the same prep. We were very similar.

It hurts. It hurts so bad.

 

[over2025]

It's just a job. Yes, rejection hurts. I would probably put a job at the bottom of my list when it comes to things that matter in my life. Also, tech market right now is brutal so it's not just you.

 

[mysideofthemountain]

It's just a job. Yes, rejection hurts. I would probably put a job at the bottom of my list when it comes to things that matter in my life. Also, tech market right now is brutal so it's not just you.

I mean I guess. But we spend most of our lives working. Something like 80k hours for people who don't CBT and live to retirement.

Given how much time is spent at work, I want to be proud of myself and accomplish something. Instead I failed.
If I am being honest this is the thing that has sort of pushed me over the edge this time. I wasn't good enough. And I have never been good enough. And that hurts exquisitely

 

[over2025]

I mean I guess. But we spend most of our lives working. Something like 80k hours for people who don't CBT and live to retirement.

Given how much time is spent at work, I want to be proud of myself and accomplish something. Instead I failed.

We work because we are forced to as slaves of the economy and the rich. Everyone starts out with passion, but at the end of the day, I have yet to meet someone older who has told me that their job is anything else but a means to make money to do other things in their life.

We work because we are forced to as slaves of the economy and the rich. Everyone starts out with passion, but at the end of the day, I have yet to meet someone older who has told me that their job is anything else but a means to make money to do other things in their life.

This isn't to say that you can't enjoy your job or that you shouldn't seek something that you are at least content with doing for 80,000 hours. But to say, that the value of work goes significantly down compared to everything else.

 

[mysideofthemountain]

We work because we are forced to as slaves of the economy and the rich. Everyone starts out with passion, but at the end of the day, I have yet to meet someone older who has told me that their job is anything else but a means to make money to do other things in their life.

I don't have anything else in my life. Really.

Even the friend I mentioned in the OP that I said I was prepping for interviews with…she has more or less dropped me ever since she got her offer. She doesn't need me anymore.

I spend most of my days alone. I've made some friends in my area but the truth is that most people have distinct and fulfilling lives that don't involve me. Maybe they enjoy my company now and then but I'm just a part of their lives at best.

I don't have a distinct and fulfilling life. No friends who reach out to me on their own - I'm always initiating - and my family does the same. My life has been work. To fail at something I dedicated my life to hurts

 

[over2025]

I don't have anything else in my life. Really.

Even the friend I mentioned in the OP that I said I was prepping for interviews with…she has more or less dropped me ever since she got her offer. She doesn't need me anymore.

I spend most of my days alone. I've made some friends in my area but the truth is that most people have distinct and fulfilling lives that don't involve me. Maybe they enjoy my company now and then but I'm just a part of their lives at best.

I don't have a distinct and fulfilling life. No friends who reach out to me on their own - I'm always initiating - and my family does the same. My life has been work. To fail at something I dedicated my life to hurts

Once you get the job that you want, what then? What will you fill your days with?
This is the realization that I had once I accomplished my professional goals. I was left with a very empty life otherwise. I realize that I didn't really care for my profession. It was the thought that I had dedicated all of my effort into my profession, rather than creating a balanced and fulfilling life, that has left me feeling so empty.

 

[dyingslowly]

Software engineer here, the thing is the biggest bullshit useless department in any organization in this time of the world is HR. They are useless spineless lightweights. Who produce these "ghost jobs" post them on the portals and count them to report to the government that they are creating new jobs. They waste time of the candidates while as an organization they are literally doing nothing ... yeah. Core systems were developed by someone long ago and now they are being maintained and nothing else. The thing you should throw this idea of building something "better" for the world, doing something "different" these are useless statements fed to people by propagandists. Companies want your labor and give you money. If you are not in this for true passion (like development, doing it as a hobby or doing it purely for money and getting out of poverty) you are most likely to get burned since this job is so competitive, demands so much time in learning and working outside of work hours to keep an edge. I never got a CS degree, I would have loved to, but I wasn't able to since I am not that academically smart. Yet still, I am able to make money out of technology, the key is that I was super passionate about learning programming. Coming back to your friend getting hired, you have to know that the job market especially in tech has a heavy bias towards hiring women since HR is mostly women. They prefer to have women around. The job I work at just fired a girl dev for not being able to do the things correctly and on time, it was kind of sad seeing her go but it is what it is. The guy founding it also bagged HR girl since he wanted to have more control on hiring process, and not having a serious passionate team is a red flag for investors. It has been almost 3 weeks, and they are now ready to soft-launch thanks to the high-speed concurrent backend design I have implemented in record times. They were little surprised to see how far in value terms their bucks could go if they got someone who "really knows" how to get sht done. Leetcode is literally bullsh-t when it comes to actual work in tech, nothing is really valuable there to be implemented in a practical scenario. Instead, you should learn how processes work in the os, how to achieve speed (thus saving on AWS bill), how to construct a maintainable infrastructure leveraging different languages in what they do best. One example is that you can make a timer in Python that executes thousands of tasks in a program written in golang. Build portfolio and display them as case studies like this system does this and that, it is high speed, handles 1 million requests with very little bill in AWS. Is encrypted and is very hard to hack or crack, is easier to use and is scalable. You have to learn how to work with trees, sorting, and such but they could be learned and developed when the time comes. Sorry for the long rant :)

 

[mysideofthemountain]

Once you get the job that you want, what then?

Well I don't think I'm going to get the job I want. I am failure. I'm not good enough.

It was the thought that I had dedicated all of my effort into my profession, rather than creating a balanced and fulfilling life, that has left me feeling so empty.

How do you cope? What do you do now?

Software engineer here, the thing is the biggest bullshit useless department in any organization in this time of the world is HR. They are useless spineless lightweights. Who produce these "ghost jobs" post them on the portals and count them to report to the government that they are creating new jobs. They waste time of the candidates while as an organization they are literally doing nothing ... yeah. Core systems were developed by someone long ago and now they are being maintained and nothing else. The thing you should throw this idea of building something "better" for the world, doing something "different" these are useless statements fed to people by propagandists. Companies want your labor and give you money. If you are not in this for true passion (like development, doing it as a hobby or doing it purely for money and getting out of poverty) you are most likely to get burned since this job is so competitive, demands so much time in learning and working outside of work hours to keep an edge. I never got a CS degree, I would have loved to, but I wasn't able to since I am not that academically smart. Yet still, I am able to make money out of technology, the key is that I was super passionate about learning programming. Coming back to your friend getting hired, you have to know that the job market especially in tech has a heavy bias towards hiring women since HR is mostly women. They prefer to have women around. The job I work at just fired a girl dev for not being able to do the things correctly and on time, it was kind of sad seeing her go but it is what it is. The guy founding it also bagged HR girl since he wanted to have more control on hiring process, and not having a serious passionate team is a red flag for investors. It has been almost 3 weeks, and they are now ready to soft-launch thanks to the high-speed concurrent backend design I have implemented in record times. They were little surprised to see how far in value terms their bucks could go if they got someone who "really knows" how to get sht done. Leetcode is literally bullsh-t when it comes to actual work in tech, nothing is really valuable there to be implemented in a practical scenario. Instead, you should learn how processes work in the os, how to achieve speed (thus saving on AWS bill), how to construct a maintainable infrastructure leveraging different languages in what they do best. One example is that you can make a timer in Python that executes thousands of tasks in a program written in golang. Build portfolio and display them as case studies like this system does this and that, it is high speed, handles 1 million requests with very little bill in AWS. Is encrypted and is very hard to hack or crack, is easier to use and is scalable. You have to learn how to work with trees, sorting, and such but they could be learned and developed when the time comes. Sorry for the long rant :)

I am also a woman for what it's worth.

And I have learned a lot of that stuff! Not all of it. I won't swear to having learned all of it. I have 7 years of experience in the industry which is not a lifetime but also not nothing.

I'm just not good enough.

 

[over2025]

I'm just not good enough.

I bet if you had applied for that job six years ago, you would've gotten it. Too bad you have to compete with AI nowadays.

 

[dyingslowly]

Well I don't think I'm going to get the job I want. I am failure. I'm not good enough.

How do you cope? What do you do now?

I am also a woman for what it's worth.

And I have learned a lot of that stuff! Not all of it. I won't swear to having learned all of it. I have 7 years of experience in the industry which is not a lifetime but also not nothing.

I'm just not good enough.

Okay so what is your stack in tech like what you do if you were to tell me about it in a technical way? I would feel very happy if I am able to give you a correct direction.

 

[over2025]

How do you cope? What do you do now?

I'm trying to create the experiences that I missed on by focusing solely on my career. I currently don't have a social life, basically no friends, have never been in a relationship, and don't have a great relationship with my family. On top of that, my physical condition is horrible. And I am permanently disfigured from a medical condition I had that I didn't take care of.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

I'm not a software engineer, but are these the types of jobs that people will apply for more than once? I know in my field, people will come back and apply again. And, even internally, people will apply more than once for a promotion. It's just a fact that there are going to be more applicants than positions and it sounds as though you did really well. My advice would be to be extremely, extremely gracious about the rejection, and write them a thank you note for the interviews and say you hope to have the opportunity to work with them in the future. If they have a good impression of you, they may remember you for the next time or even recommend you to someone else (trust me!). You have to approach interviewing like networking and think of it as a way of getting to know people. And continue to network in other ways as well-- for example, if your friend can take you to happy hours or whatever. Just be very laid-back and friendly and interested in the work.

You did really good to get so far!

 

[JoysoftheEmptiness]

Doesn't really matter I guess.

I'm a software engineer. The thing that's triggered my most recent, intense bout of suicidal ideation and intense emotional pain is getting rejected from a job.

It was 5 interviews over 8 hours with 7 interviewers. 6 yesses. Then, on the very last interview with the very last interviewer (system design) I scored a 7/10 on the design and 0/2 red flags and 0/2 yellow flags. This ended up being a no and resulted in no offer.

It wasn't even a FAANG. But it was definitely a tech company with multiple verticals. It would have been awesome. Honestly I'm attracted to the prestige. I want to be smart, I want to be competent, I want to accomplish something and be proud of myself.

I'm just not good enough.

I was practicing with a friend of mine for interviews. She and I have about the same number of years of experience and we're about equal performance on leetcode and system design. I got rejected and she got an offer from Hubspot. She totally deserves it, she's awesome.

But like why am I not good enough. We did a lot of the same prep. We were very similar.

It hurts. It hurts so bad.

I studied IT and BIT, so not a software engineer, but someone who knows coding in various languages. Rejection, for anything hurts, I used to cry when I struggled to get a job, and got turned down. Life is painful.

 

[mysideofthemountain]

Okay so what is your stack in tech like what you do if you were to tell me about it in a technical way? I would feel very happy if I am able to give you a correct direction.

Currently working at a startup that's failing.

Stack is Django, a few nextjs services for some areas that had scalability issues, and a react on the front end. Using MySQL (not my choice I will never get over not having materialized views) for DB and deploying on gcp with k8s.

I tend to prefer backend stuff. Non-exhaustive list of things I've done that I actually thought were cool:
- build a service for automating admin access and audit logging for said admin access to internal platforms that integrated with pagerduty and zen desk to determine if access could be granted automatically based on policies or manually
- redesigned the backend for our bespoke notification service, doing the performance testing both of the queries and models used, the queue set up, and infra. Resulted in us being able to send 80k email notifications in a minute to over a million. Also added a lot of monitoring, alerting on failures and automatic retries
- did a lot of performance benchmarking to allow us to figure out resource service tiers for vertical scaling and cost effective HPA ranges for pod configurations in k8s

I've also been tech lead on a project to rearchitect our main customer dashboard but that's a front end heavy project and I HATED IT

I studied IT and BIT, so not a software engineer, but someone who knows coding in various languages. Rejection, for anything hurts, I used to cry when I struggled to get a job, and got turned down. Life is painful.

It hurts so much and they make you jump through so many hoops just to reject you anyway

 

[ForestGhost]

I'm a dev (for now, I am hanging onto my job by a thread) and I sympathize big time, the interview process in our industry has always been draconian but I think it's gotten even worse now with the current job market. I would really not fault yourself too much, there's just an insane amount of competition and people can have fickle and silly reasons for rejecting candidates in the first place. Wishing you all the best.

 

[mysideofthemountain]

I'm not a software engineer, but are these the types of jobs that people will apply for more than once? I know in my field, people will come back and apply again. And, even internally, people will apply more than once for a promotion. It's just a fact that there are going to be more applicants than positions and it sounds as though you did really well. My advice would be to be extremely, extremely gracious about the rejection, and write them a thank you note for the interviews and say you hope to have the opportunity to work with them in the future. If they have a good impression of you, they may remember you for the next time or even recommend you to someone else (trust me!). You have to approach interviewing like networking and think of it as a way of getting to know people. And continue to network in other ways as well-- for example, if your friend can take you to happy hours or whatever. Just be very laid-back and friendly and interested in the work.

You did really good to get so far!

I did reach out to two of the interviewers I clicked with on LinkedIn and sent nice messages but honesty I think the recruiter didn't like me by the end of it. He asked for feedback and I suggested that they have more than one interviewer in technical panels (for example, the system design one that disqualified me, apparently the interviewer was mad that I didn't focus more on the file upload part but he specifically told me not to focus on that part so like why did he penalize me for that?) and also suggested rubrics for standardizing evaluation across candidates, including the ability to level candidates based on responses in the standardization, and then he was like UH WE HAVE RUBRICS HERES YOURS which is how I found out I got a 7/10 and 0/2 red flags and 0/2 yellow flags and "didn't meet the bar"

 

[dyingslowly]

Currently working at a startup that's failing.

Stack is Django, a few nextjs services for some areas that had scalability issues, and a react on the front end. Using MySQL (not my choice I will never get over not having materialized views) for DB and deploying on gcp with k8s.

I tend to prefer backend stuff. Non-exhaustive list of things I've done that I actually thought were cool:
- build a service for automating admin access and audit logging for said admin access to internal platforms that integrated with pagerduty and zen desk to determine if access could be granted automatically based on policies or manually
- redesigned the backend for our bespoke notification service, doing the performance testing both of the queries and models used, the queue set up, and infra. Resulted in us being able to send 80k email notifications in a minute to over a million. Also added a lot of monitoring, alerting on failures and automatic retries
- did a lot of performance benchmarking to allow us to figure out resource service tiers for vertical scaling and cost effective HPA ranges for pod configurations in k8s

I've also been tech lead on a project to rearchitect our main customer dashboard but that's a front end heavy project and I HATED IT

It hurts so much and they make you jump through so many hoops just to reject you anyway

(Your skillset is good, but python is mainly now demanded for ai integration due to its speed issues)
yeah, I have been through shit interviews like that and that explains my hate towards HR. The more rigorous testing there is, the higher probability of a startup failing. This means one thing, they (the management) they don't know j--kshit about they are doing. They do stupid tests to hit a jackpot dev who will build everything (the product). Also, if they are failing, it means the funding is going dry and there is nobody who knows what their objectives are and what they are aiming for. Learn integration and fine tuning of OpenAI models to be used in different applications while you have some time and money from this failing sht startup to get on the next job. You already know Python, so you are good in that department you are ready to start now. Don't worry, I hate front-end too, I had to do Figma based design conversion, and I went absolutely nuts doing that. Remember that in an organization everybody is fighting for their survival, HR needs to keep the processes active just to keep getting the paycheck.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

It might also help you to think of it from the point of view of the interviewers. If you interviewed five people and could only hire one, you wouldn't think of the other four as failures. You'd just think that you had to pick one. Oftentimes, the choice between candidates is very, very close.

Definitely try to keep your social life going. Don't worry about being the one to initiate, a lot of people appreciate it. Just reach out to your contacts occasionally to stay in touch. I've things like volunteering at museums and have met nice people that way.

 

[dyingslowly]

(Your skillset is good, but python is mainly now demanded for ai integration due to its speed issues)
yeah, I have been through shit interviews like that and that explains my hate towards HR. The more rigorous testing there is, the higher probability of a startup failing. This means one thing, they (the management) they don't know j--kshit about they are doing. They do stupid tests to hit a jackpot dev who will build everything (the product). Also, if they are failing, it means the funding is going dry and there is nobody who knows what their objectives are and what they are aiming for. Learn integration and fine tuning of OpenAI models to be used in different applications while you have some time and money from this failing sht startup to get on the next job. You already know Python, so you are good in that department you are ready to start now. Don't worry, I hate front-end too, I had to do Figma based design conversion, and I went absolutely nuts doing that. Remember that in an organization everybody is fighting for their survival, HR needs to keep the processes active just to keep getting the paycheck.

Also know that the tech market is in a very uncertain space due to ambiguous future of Trumps policies for tech space, as that will be resolved in Feb or March. Money will start to flow back into economy and people will be trying to build things etc.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

I did reach out to two of the interviewers I clicked with on LinkedIn and sent nice messages but honesty I think the recruiter didn't like me by the end of it. He asked for feedback and I suggested that they have more than one interviewer in technical panels (for example, the system design one that disqualified me, apparently the interviewer was mad that I didn't focus more on the file upload part but he specifically told me not to focus on that part so like why did he penalize me for that?) and also suggested rubrics for standardizing evaluation across candidates, including the ability to level candidates based on responses in the standardization, and then he was like UH WE HAVE RUBRICS HERES YOURS which is how I found out I got a 7/10 and 0/2 red flags and 0/2 yellow flags and "didn't meet the bar"

To me, that looks as though you know what you're talking about and were giving them informed feedback. They may have been frazzled from a long day of interviewing themselves. It seems like a good thing that the recruiter showed you your score. I'd send everyone a thank you, and give yourself more credit.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to SaSu!

I'm sorry you were rejected. It can be so devastating but as you say you have skills! With everything in life we need that little bit of luck.

It's not your fault at all. I'm pretty sure you did your best to get the job.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I worked in tech on the infrastructure side: Software Engineer, DevOps Engineer, SecOps Architect.

I worked at several startups, and one company that was very elilte and notoriously difficult to get into. I won't lie, I got lucky. I didn't have many rejections, and I got poached by recruitiers a few times.

All of the interviews I succeeded at required a mix of soft skills and technical skills. I was genuinely passionate about what I did, which carried me through the soft skills questions. The passion also meant I was an expert in some specific areas, which helped on the technical side. I feel like "follow your passion" is embarrasingly cliche advice, but in tech passion can be what gives you the edge in a competetive environment.

 

[mysideofthemountain]

I worked in tech on the infrastructure side: Software Engineer, DevOps Engineer, SecOps Architect.

I worked at several startups, and one company that was very elilte and notoriously difficult to get into. I won't lie, I got lucky. I didn't have many rejections, and I got poached by recruitiers a few times.

All of the interviews I succeeded at required a mix of soft skills and technical skills. I was genuinely passionate about what I did, which carried me through the soft skills questions. The passion also meant I was an expert in some specific areas, which helped on the technical side. I feel like "follow your passion" is embarrasingly cliche advice, but in tech passion can be what gives you the edge in a competetive environment.

I would do anything to be you if that's the case.

I got strong yes on my two behaviorals…

Welcome to SaSu!

I'm sorry you were rejected. It can be so devastating but as you say you have skills! With everything in life we need that little bit of luck.

It's not your fault at all. I'm pretty sure you did your best to get the job.

I did do my best yeah. My best wasn't good enough. That's what hurts.

 

[doneforlife]

I worked in tech on the infrastructure side: Software Engineer, DevOps Engineer, SecOps Architect.

I worked at several startups, and one company that was very elilte and notoriously difficult to get into. I won't lie, I got lucky. I didn't have many rejections, and I got poached by recruitiers a few times.

All of the interviews I succeeded at required a mix of soft skills and technical skills. I was genuinely passionate about what I did, which carried me through the soft skills questions. The passion also meant I was an expert in some specific areas, which helped on the technical side. I feel like "follow your passion" is embarrasingly cliche advice, but in tech passion can be what gives you the edge in a competetive environment.

Wow !! If I may ask , why are you here ? Feel free not to answer if it's too personal.

Doesn't really matter I guess.

I'm a software engineer. The thing that's triggered my most recent, intense bout of suicidal ideation and intense emotional pain is getting rejected from a job.

It was 5 interviews over 8 hours with 7 interviewers. 6 yesses. Then, on the very last interview with the very last interviewer (system design) I scored a 7/10 on the design and 0/2 red flags and 0/2 yellow flags. This ended up being a no and resulted in no offer.

It wasn't even a FAANG. But it was definitely a tech company with multiple verticals. It would have been awesome. Honestly I'm attracted to the prestige. I want to be smart, I want to be competent, I want to accomplish something and be proud of myself.

I'm just not good enough.

I was practicing with a friend of mine for interviews. She and I have about the same number of years of experience and we're about equal performance on leetcode and system design. I got rejected and she got an offer from Hubspot. She totally deserves it, she's awesome.

But like why am I not good enough. We did a lot of the same prep. We were very similar.

It hurts. It hurts so bad.

There is no need to be harassed because of this. Clearing so many rounds would definitely give you that confidence for the next interview. This isn't the last interview or the only company with openings. Please go and celebrate to have cracked 6 rounds.

As far as good relationships, as you move on in life , you will meet new people, you will develop new bonds. Your current friend circle or family are not the only people who will be there for the rest of your life. Give it time.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

Wow !! If I may ask , why are you here ? Feel free not to answer if it's too personal.

The accumulated effects of a lifetime of trauma and mental illness have finally robbed me of everything I had to live for.

Last year I was working on interesting information security projects, but I was so depressed I couldn't stay focused for more than 15 minutes at a time. I tried multiple medications and deep meditation but nothing helped. Then I started getting sucked into coding intensely on certain projects to the point of obsession. My boss was ok with my output, but I was struggling so hard to control my attention and keep up with assignments that I finally gave up and quit my job.

After I quit the depression lifted and I went into my first manic episode. I had no idea what was happening to me and it was terrifying. I couldn't sleep and I had a psychotic episode that was a true living nightmare. I ended up involuntarily locked up in the hospital psych unit for about a week. They diagnosed me with bipolar I, but they traumatized me so much that I didn't believe it.

The mania lasted through this summer. During that time my wife left me, I lost all my friends, blew all of my money, and ruined all of the great plans I had for my family. I had accumulated a few million dollars during my career and I blew most of it practically overnight, except the part my wife gets through our separation agreement. Now I'm going bankrupt. I had two houses last year, now I live with my parents.

I have no hope of going back to tech, it's too demanding and my brain is too damaged to think clearly anymore. My skill set is too specialized for any other jobs besides minimum wage work, and I couldn't even hold down a menial job with bipolar. My only option is to be dependent on family and my wife until eventually I could get on disability.

At this point I've lost too much to recover, and every waking moment is misery. Bipolar is degenerative so things will only get worse no matter how hard I try. CTB is my only hope of relief from this agony.

 

[Aergia]

I'm an aspiring one. I guess. I just completed my undergraduate degree in CS (worth noting that where I live there isn't much of a distinction made between CS and SWE when it comes to academic qualifications) and I kind of regret it doing it. I have no idea how I'm going to get a job. The only reason I was able to obtain the degree was because most of my assessments tested an ability to memorise or implement algorithms (given all of the details) instead of problem-solving skills which I genuinely suck at. Multiple factors (including cognitive problems for the past 5 years) have resulted (for me) in a near pathological aversion to cerebral work—I haven't even created a portfolio or attempted to grind leetcode—so this is really my own fault.

I bet if you had applied for that job six years ago, you would've gotten it. Too bad you have to compete with AI nowadays.

this. When I started my degree I remember my social media feeds being full of SWEs talking about their high salaries and short work weeks. obviously this was back when LLMs were less capable and the market was less saturated...

(Question—does anyone here have any advice when it comes to which subfields of CS/SWE to go into? asking because I genuinely have no idea—initially wanted to get into ML and/or data science but I don't think I have the mathematical ability for that)